Don't know my own mind

LegacyUser

This is really difficult to explain.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year because we just weren't getting on. We had the spark, the passion, the friendship everything - but we were just fighting non-stop. The whole relationship was a whirlwind. We were living together within 3 months. It was just too much too soon.

Anyway, without going in to too much detail my ex had a lot of baggage, an ex wife and children from previous relationships (yes, that's plural). I was supportive but sometimes all the stories just didn't add up - he has admitted to lying to me about his situation in the past...so, i was just feeling, confused, alone and in a terrible dynamic of fighting and lies. I have broken up with him before but he has managed to talk me around, this time, I really did have enough. I wasn't happy in the situation and felt like the deeper i got in to it, the harder it would be to pull away.

As with the previous 2 break-ups my ex was very distraught and was doing anything and everything to get me back. I was just explaining over and over again that i couldn't do it anymore and there was too much baggage and he had too many women looking for child support (4 kids in total) and i just couldn't see a future in it.

He fought this and fought it and went completley crazy for a few days but then, overnight just snapped out of it - became totally rational, said he understood where i was coming from and I was right to end things as they were.

He said the fighting was down to his situation and the stress he was under and has promised me he can resolve it etc.

I was like "great" - until i realised that he is placing ALL his hopes and dreams and future on sorting his life out just so that we can get back together! I am not ruling that out - but i don't see it as probable....the problem is - I am terrified of him when he is acting out of this! He goes totally crazy and it feels like anything can happen. I feel like I am going along with this just to make the situation easier on myself - though ido keep saying "You know either of us could meet someone else tomorrow"

The other problem I have is that I have a really close nit circle of friends and I am so close to my family, although all of them quite like him, they really don't want me to be with him as my boyfriend because of the baggage etc. I was getting so much grief over being with him, I really don't know if that was one of the reasons I ended the relationship, or was it because of the isolation and fear i felt when we were fighting?

Although I really do feel at times like I would love us to end up together, I know it would not be a good situation for me mentally.

I just really don't wanna mess him about, he doesn't really have any friends and is not close to his family so he's on his own in the house we shared and i find myself calling over a lot to comfort him - not in a sexual way or anything - but i think it eases my guilt a bit - but i keep ending up going along with these plans for our future...

But if i don't go along with them, he will go crazy and start turning up outside my office crying, turning up at my parents house crying, trying to drag me in to cars etc (all in the last few months)

So, you can't blame me for trying to keep the situation under control - even though I know i'm not handling it properly

Any advice?

pilph

I am not qualified to give advice to you but a lot of what you say here is understandable. The whole thing about him crying outside your office/parents house just means he is scared of losing you.

The thing about your friends and family maybe thinking you should end the relationship is also understandable. People look out for each other ans want the best for their friends & family. They can offer the advice, but probably don't fuly understand the depth of feeling involved on both sides.

Having a partner with kids from a previous relationship is tough, but not a reason to not go out with someone, if you know what I mean. If it were me I'd probably just have a chat and spell out what you need from the relationship and ask what your partner needs. If there is common ground then maybe there is a way forward? If not then maybe you should think about ending it.

Ickle Magoo

So, what do YOU want OP? It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship from your post, certainly as is & I think if ALL your family and friends are in agreement then they probably have a point worth listening to.

If he is able to turn things around by making other changes in his life then you both have to be honest about what you want and work at it. He is always going to be forking out a lot of maintenance and his previous partners and children will hopefully always be a part of his life so if that's not an added stress you want to deal with, then, I don't think it's very fair to give him hope that whatever the issue is, is fixable.

His crying and turning up at your work is just emotional blackmail to keep you in the relationship on some level - and so far, it appears to be working. If you don't want a relationship with him then you have to say that in no uncertain terms and then cut ties. If he starts wailing and turning up at work you need to point out how embarrassing you find that & that it is annoying and he is not to do it. Then all it takes is you being strong enough to cut him out your life so you can both move on.

Maybe draw up a list of the lies and arguments, why you don't want to be with him, etc. Then whenever the guilt or emotional blackmail starts getting to you then read the list and remember why you shouldn't protracting & delaying the inevitable?

Best of luck.