What does it mean to be intense ?

LegacyUser

I was having dinner with a mate last week. We were talking about different things and near towards the end of the dinner she told me that she find me "so intense" and that talking to me was "so exhausting" She then quickly apologised and change the subject. Now I hav no problem with what she said, but I did ask her to explain what xactly she ment. She keeps brushing me off saying sh dosent want to talk about it. Which is fine. But I just dont know what she ment by it. I would like to try and identify what exactly intensity is and try and modify my behaviour with people. So what exactly does it being intense mean ?

LegacyUser

Subjective term I suppose, but I'd suggest it means someone who comes across in the course of a conversation as though they take things (in general) very/too seriously. Or to explain it by opposites, I'd put it towards the opposite end of the scale from terms like "laid back" or "easy-going". Re why it can be an unappealing trait, it can be "interesting" at first, but sooner or later someone like that can be pretty tiring to talk to and difficult to relax around.

Mr Benevolent

With respect OP I'd suggest a dictionary. You know what the word means, apply it to a person. Just relax a bit, don't talk with incredible detail about things, avoid serious topics most of the time and try to consider if the other person might be interested in what you're saying. Often people will pretend to be interested but aren't. It's human nature.

Ask yourself this: What's the difference between light rain and intense rain? Answer that, QED.

Intense?

Intense? wrote: »

I was having dinner with a mate last week. We were talking about different things and near towards the end of the dinner she told me that she find me "so intense" and that talking to me was "so exhausting" She then quickly apologised and change the subject. Now I hav no problem with what she said, but I did ask her to explain what xactly she ment. She keeps brushing me off saying sh dosent want to talk about it. Which is fine. But I just dont know what she ment by it. I would like to try and identify what exactly intensity is and try and modify my behaviour with people. So what exactly does it being intense mean ?

You probably talk about meaningful things such as science, philosophy, politics, religion or whatnot. I would take it as a compliment, even if it wasn't meant to be so.

Opposite of laid back is the easiest way to describe it as anon_123 said..

Laid back: Just falling in and out of conversation, happy to talk about nothing and everything.
Intense: Leaning over the table at you, talking about every subject like it's massively important.. Not many quiet moments. Almost like you're on speed.

It's not a bad trait but for laid back person, it can be overwhelming and tiring to try and keep up.. I've two friends who I'd call intense and they're great craic. I think coconutlulz is off the mark by the way, "intense" is a way of conversing, not what a conversation is about or how meaningful/deep it is.

LegacyUser

No offense, but obsessing over what your friend said is pretty intense... can you not see that?

pookie82

If she said she finds you intense as a person, it probably means you're a lot smarter than her and she's overwhelmed by the topics of conversation. She probably wants to talk about shoes.

Malari

pookie82 wrote: »

If she said she finds you intense as a person, it probably means you're a lot smarter than her and she's overwhelmed by the topics of conversation. She probably wants to talk about shoes.

I wouldn't necessarily say that. I think it's more about your style of conversation.

Some people can make off the cuff remarks they haven't really thought through and someone with an intense conversation style might really try to get to the bottom of WHY they made that particular remark. It might seem like conversation to the intense person, but exhausting to the other person!

For example, I recently told a friend I don't always wear my cycle helmet, and boy did I regret saying that, because the next 15 mins was spent defending and explaining my decision. She couldn't let it go until I admitted I was wrong.

And yes, even your attitude to finding out what she meant by intense IS intense Try to pick up some cues - if it sounds like she is trying to change the subject, just go with the flow in conversation, don't keep harping back on the same topic?

What had you been talking about when she accused you of intensity? Maybe it was something she didn't really want to discuss?

dan_d

I'm very laid back and I find some people very intense and have described them that way. To me it means someone who picks up on every minute detail of a conversation and questions it a lot. Someone who watches everything around them constantly - and often comments/questions other people's appearance/presence etc. Sometimes it can be if I'm talking to someone, and they're discussing ideas and questioning me as in, "but why would you do that" and " why do you think that would work?" or " what sort of way would you implement that"...debating rather than conversing. Conversations that leave me exhausted!!I'm quite intelligent and very widely read, up to date on world/business/media affairs, but some people just tire me out talking to them. Often I find people who are very intense tend to be in your personal space a lot too, and are high maintenance from a friendship/relationship point of view.
Having said that, I've been told I'm practically horizontal I'm so laid back, and I rarely lose my temper or anything, so I might be judging from a bad position!

up for anything

dan_d wrote: »

Often I find people who are very intense tend to be in your personal space a lot too, and are high maintenance from a friendship/relationship point of view.

Seconded. I have a friend who is like this. Comes too close physically and maintains constant eye contact and is constantly asking me to justify things I have said in passing even about the weather. It's very difficult to stand over some off-the-cuff remark. She would have made a great prosecutor. She gets worse after a couple of drinks. Everyone I know that she knows would describe her as intense.

tenchi-fan

She could mean anything really.

I've spoken to a few people who, no matter how relaxed the topic of conversation, they stare when maintaining eye contact, speak fast, nod their head rapidly when agreeing, laugh loudly, swig water between sentences, and really express themselves when they don't like or don't agree with something - I don't mean they get violent, but their face might go red.. I have 5 women and one man in mind in particular and the only way I could describe them is intense.

I could just imagine your friend saying "oh nevermind, I didn't mean anything by it" and you trying to keep things light but continuously prompting "oh i know you didn't mean anything by it.. i'm just wondering what you meant.. in what way am I intense!"

Faith

pookie82 wrote: »

If she said she finds you intense as a person, it probably means you're a lot smarter than her and she's overwhelmed by the topics of conversation. She probably wants to talk about shoes.

That's nonsense, to be honest. I'm very intelligent, yet I find conversations with intense people exhausting.

Malari wrote: »

I wouldn't necessarily say that. I think it's more about your style of conversation.

Some people can make off the cuff remarks they haven't really thought through and someone with an intense conversation style might really try to get to the bottom of WHY they made that particular remark. It might seem like conversation to the intense person, but exhausting to the other person!

For example, I recently told a friend I don't always wear my cycle helmet, and boy did I regret saying that, because the next 15 mins was spent defending and explaining my decision. She couldn't let it go until I admitted I was wrong.

And yes, even your attitude to finding out what she meant by intense IS intense Try to pick up some cues - if it sounds like she is trying to change the subject, just go with the flow in conversation, don't keep harping back on the same topic?

What had you been talking about when she accused you of intensity? Maybe it was something she didn't really want to discuss?

I agree with this completely.

I lived with a very intense person for a year. Often I really enjoyed it - she'd drag thoughts and opinions out of me that I'd never articulated or even thought through completely before. But it's exhausting when you make an off-the-cuff remark and somebody instantly questions you on it, demanding to know why you think/feel that. Sometimes you just want to shout "I JUST DO!".

Example conversations:

Me: I think parole shouldn't exist. When you're jailed for 10 years, you stay in for 10 years.
Non-intense friend: I disagree. I think good behaviour *blah blah blah*...

Or

Me: I think parole shouldn't exist. When you're jailed for 10 years, you stay in for 10 years.
Intense friend: Why do you feel that way? Don't you think <this>?
Me: Ehhh...
Intense friend: <continued questions about my comment that actually I don't feel like delving into>.

I think a lot of very academic people can be intense. If you thoroughly enjoy studying, you probably really want to understand others' opinions and thoughts etc, and constantly question them on it to try and complete your understanding. It's like being interviewed, or grilled, rather than having a natural conversation, and can make you feel like you're under scrutiny. When you know someone is going to question everything you say, it's makes you very reluctant to say anything lest you be wrong.

Micahelxcx

I think most people can be intense about subjects or topics close to their heart.
Like for example, guys can become incredibly intense about sport. They will watch the world cup and describe every piece of action in a game, how players played, what the ref was like, what the game was like.

Women can be intense about fashion, hair, etc.

Yet the same people can be laid back about other issues such as reading, telly, programes, politics.

tenchi-fan

hmm not quite the same thing, Micahelxcx. those example are more being passionate about a strong interest. What the op describes is more a personality clash between her and a friend

LegacyUser

tenchi-fan wrote: »

What the op describes is more a personality clash between her and a friend

Im a bloke and we were on a date. We've been going out a couple of months

tenchi-fan

Intense? wrote: »

Im a bloke and we were on a date. We've been going out a couple of months

oh right. sorry! you said you were having dinner with a mate so i just jumped to that conclusion.

LegacyUser

Intense to a woman broken down to the very atom usually means you talk an awful lot more than her and probably more serious than her.Watch the hills ,watch when the girls break up with their boyfriend and wont shut up ,in fact watch Americans as they are in general intense people .

Instead dont analyse the next time you go for a date , just stop and chill because intense people are really hard to deal with . Take it from me ,I used to be one of them.

MissHoneyBun

People are always gonna think things about you -good, bad and everything in between. At the end of the day, all you can be is yourself.

B.P.D.iva

well i am the total opp. to intense..i am v. laid back..but not tryin to say being intense is a bad thing..cos i am so laid back people tend mistake my kindness for weakness, and have had many relationships kind of crumble cos i like to give ppl. their own space..but got really annoyed when it wasn't given in return..don't take it personally...means you are passionate about what you believe in