Lost and Confused: Broken Up but still in love

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

I'm looking for some advice. It's gonna be a long one as I have a lot to get off my chest. I've recently broke up with my girlfriend of 7 years. This was the longest and most significant relationship in my life and I am still very much in love with her.

We've had a tough time both financially and emotionally over the years but we've always pulled through. I know I haven't been pulling my weight in the household and the relationship in general was beginning to become stuck in a rut, something I now realise I'm at fault for. Anyway, we recently moved abroad and things were going great, a fresh start in a new city, it seemed like just what we needed.

We've been here several months now and things eventually slipped back into the old routines. My girlfriend decided it was too much and decided to end the relationship, she stated several reasons all valid and all things I could have easily changed. I feel like such a fool for not seeing how things were sooner, I grew far to complacent. Her letter to me came as quite a shock but really gave me the cop I needed, I know I have a lot of stuff to work on, even just for my own personal well being.

Unfortunately I'm still deeply in love with her and she says these feelings are no longer mutual. I understand a break may do us the world of good, I was of the opinion that we were taking some space and time to work on ourselves and our relationship. However she recently told me it was a break up and not a break. I took that quite hard and did the usual pleading and begging, something I'm not proud of but that's desperation for you.

My biggest problem is that she is also my best friend and even if we must part ways, that friendship, even if diminished, is something I never want to lose. Then I found out that there seems to be a new guy which she met at her workplace, I'm pretty devastated about that.

So the situation at present is that we are still living together (neither of us can move out until the end of the month), things have been pleasant enough but I'm very torn up about it and I'm struggling to keep my emotions in check.

I'm feeling so lost right now, I feel like I should be fighting for our relationship. 7 years, filled with great times is hard to throw away. This is the woman I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Yet she seems to have shut down and given up and is perhaps moving on already.

I'm left confused at to what happen next, I really don't want to give up but at this point all seems lost.

Any advice is apprecita

Motley Crue

Ataloss wrote: »

Then I found out that there seems to be a new guy which she met at her workplace, I'm pretty devastated about that.

I'd be disappointed about this. 7 years is longer then some people are married, and yet within a few weeks....days maybe...there's someone else? Whether she had an eye on him before you broke up or whether she is just on a quick rebound I don't know and it would be unfair to say. But perhaps it's worth asking yourself how you can let her see you in a better light.

Maybe you can offer to do some things, pay some bills or sort some affairs out on her behalf in relation to the break up....maybe if you show her some magazines from an Estate Agents and speak about a new property you are considering she will realise you have taken her at her word. Maybe then you will be able to discuss and salvage anything you might have left. If not, I think you should pack your bags, and leave with dignity. Good luck.

backwards

:(I really feel for you, and I know what you're going through.

Simirlarly I came out of a 7 yr relationship 2 years ago.

Everything had become complacenet, we were in a rut and just miserable in ourselves. We still loved eachother, although at the time it didn't feel like it. We were engaged to be married, but miserable. Something didn't add up.

Op there is really not a lof you can do. You won't change your exes mind by persisting. If she does give it another go, you will be left wondering if she is giving it a go because she really wants to or because you want her to.

As you said the reasons are valid, and now you regret things. We do things sometimes without thinking. We take things and People for granted.

My advice is to leave her go. If in time you both realise that you love eachother, and nothing was majorly wrong in your relationship, then what goes on through the break up doesn't matter anymore. Trust me.

People have different ways of dealing with things. Perhaps she feels she needs to look like she is moving on. Believe me, she is not moving on by entertaining this guy at work. 7 years cannot be wiped from anyones memory as quickly as that.

I still think of my ex everyday. I still love him. I know the best thing we did was break up, and I trust that if we're ment to be that it will be!!

Everyone will say this, as they did to me, but time is the only thing that will fade that pain in your heart.

Try to focus on yourself. How you can become a person that you really want to be. Focus on hobbies and you.

PM me if you need other advice from someone that's gone through something very similar!

Micahelxcx

you say you realise you weren't pulling your weight in the relationship, is it any wonder she's pissed off with you.
I know a guy living with a girl for the past three years and all he does is come home from work and moan about his boring job; expects her to come home from her job and make him and her dinner. He is lazy and a pain in the butt.
She does all the housework, cleaning, ironing, doing the weekly shop. And he goes out with his mates every Wednesday to the pub. Fridays they go for a few drinks and a meal. Saturdays they go out with couples.
She got bored and fed up and broke up with him.
Does this scenario resemble any lifestyle for you?
You say you're devastated. Well, from your note, it is a little too late.

I agree that something must have be wrong for sometime if she is already seeing another guy so quickly. You don't break up with someone after 7 years and forget all about them and your feelings for them. I'd imagine she is still reeling from the break-up herself and this is why she is with him. Maybe it helps her escape from thinking of you all the time.

But for you, get off your arse and show her, as you say you are both still living together for another month, that you really want her back. Clean the place from top to bottom. Do the shopping, apply for new jobs, tell her you really, really love her and are sorry for not listening to her earlier.
Mend your ways. You have a month to do so.

But if she doesn't change her mind, let her go. And move on. It will be very difficult initially, but in the end it is the best thing for you and her.

Monkey61

To be honest mate, if she has told you that she doesn't love you anymore and you have been having problems -then I don't think that there is much you can do.

On one hand 7 years seems like a long time to just give up on, but every extra year from now is just one more that you could be out finding your perfect soul mate or whatever and not wasting time devoting to a relationship that isn't the one you want.

Now especially if she has met someone else...well, then there isn't really anything that you can do about that. All the excitement of something new and fresh is a very attractive option and there isn't much that you can bargain with on that one. A new guy is always going to seem more exciting. Even if she did just meet him recently, sometimes that is all it takes to make you realise that a current relationship is not what you want anymore. I was with my last girlfriend for just over a year (a lot shorter I know), and everything was going along nicely. I thought we would possibly be together for a very long time, then randomly out of the blue I met someone else and within a week realised that I needed to break up with my girlfriend. I am now blissfully happy with the new girl and never thought I could feel like this!

I think the only thing you can do is let her go and make the best out of your life. It it is meant to be then maybe in a year or more you can see how the land lies, but certainly not right away. Respect her enough to respect her decision and acknowledge that she knows her own mind. Don't play games and try to coerce her into staying with you. Let her see what is out there and you do the same. You could meet your future wife tomorrow for all you know.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the advice, I'm feeling better just having gotten it off my chest. I'll address some of the comments below.

Motley Crue wrote:

...there's someone else?...

Micahelxcx wrote:

I agree that something must have be wrong for sometime if she is already seeing another guy so quickly.

That's the troubling thing as it's quite out of character for her. She's not the vengeful or bitter type, so I don't think it's to hurt me. Perhaps it is just a rebound or to take her mind off me, I'm completely unsure and that's a major part of the hurt.

Motley Crue wrote:

Maybe you can offer to do some things, pay some bills or sort some affairs out on her behalf in relation to the break up....

Micahelxcx wrote:

But for you, get off your arse and show her that you really want her back...

I already have all this well under way, most of it is to my benefit as well. The changes I'm making will improve my life whether it changes her mind or not which is something to take out of it at least.

At this point I've decided it's best to let her go, as much as it hurts, I still want to see her happy and I think trying to force something is only going to make matters worse. Perhaps all she needs is some perspective, I know I've gotten a bucket-load and it made me realise the truth of matters.

So tough times ahead, I'm feeling daunted about the possibility of moving on, I don't think I even remember how to date new women. I don't even know if I want to for sometime. There's a nice flirty French girl at work who seems interested but I don't know what to do with that information. The confidence boost was good and helped me feel better but pursuing her would make me, as stupid as it sounds, feel guilty. It would feel like cheating as my heart is still with someone else. Hmmmm....

So it's still all ongoing and any further advice is appreciated