Really want sex with ex :(

LegacyUser

My ex and I broke up a few months ago and I was devastated. I cut contact with him which really helped, but recently I've become more and more obsessed with thoughts of having sex with him again. I've been with other guys since we broke up and it was always unsatisfactory - due to lack of the intimacy I'm used to, I suppose. I've been toying with the idea of texting him and asking him to come over some night, or accidentally-on-purpose bumping into him when we're out and asking him then. The main thing stopping me is I'm afraid he'll say no. I'm not even sure what I want from it, other than one night of forgetting the pain and just pretending everything's okay again. It's not even the sex I want, it's the cuddling and intimacy too.

Am I being completely stupid? Is this the worst idea I've ever had? I'm really hoping you'll all say I should go for it, but I'm guessing they're not the replies I'm likely to get. I know it's likely to set my recovery back, but maybe it's worth it?

minidazzler

You said you have been with other guys but lack of intimacy killed it, he is your ex, what's to say it would be intimate if he was to fcuk you?

Since you are still not over him it can't do much good TBH, maybe an orgasm, but that's gonna fcuk with your head more and make you think ye might actually get back together.

dublingal80

its not just sex, cuddling or intimacy that you are looking for.... its 1 more night with him, to bring you back to the relationship you once had, and pretend that you guys were still ok.

i honestly wouldnt do it. He could be seeing someone, he could be see lots of some ones. its going to set you back so so so much.

Maybe try to only sleep with guys you proper like and the intimacy will come in time

Asphyxia

I think doing this would be just asking for trouble. You are obviously not over him so having sex would only bring back all the past emotions and feelings towards him. If your ex doesn't feel the same it could really mess with your head and you'd be back to square one after it's over in a bigger mess. You have to give yourself some more time to heal from the relationship it will be hard at the start but it does get easier.

Nevyn

It can often happen over time in a relationship that our own sexuality gets intermixed with the sexualtiy of being in a couple. So that it gets to the stage that when you get horny your mind and body links those feeling to wanting sex with your partner rather then just wanting sex.

When the relationship ends this can be a right pain as everything you want sex or get aroused you default to thinking of your ex and istead of just wanting sex you want sex with them, specifically.

It takes time to break that assocation and disentangle your sexuality and sexaul responses so that you no longer think of them.

Either it's something you can work on fading over time or else you can have rebound sex with someone else to help break this so they are not the last person to kissyou/touch you ect.

Motley Crue

MsUnreg wrote: »

I know it's likely to set my recovery back, but maybe it's worth it?

No. It's not worth it. You'd be better off getting that kind of intimacy from a stranger. He is your ex, so he knows your levels of passion, he know's you in the bedroom and he can give you what you want because either you've taught him that or because you both gradually explored each other over time.

One of the hardest things about a relationship ending is the lack of the physical intimacy. Sometimes we don't want our partner in bed with us, necessarily, we just want someone who knows what we want out of sex and someone who can give that to us. When a relationship ends the process of finding the right sexual partner begins again and it can be tempting to go back to the old ways.

But I would advise against it. It will not stop at one night, and you broke up with him for a reason, if you want to try and mend the relationship then you should go back with him - but going back for the considerate sex you shared should not be the only reason on your mind.

The next time you are with a sexual partner, ask him/her to do something to you that you want, don't be afraid to speak up - even if you only intend it to be a one night stand, make sure its enjoyable for you and satisfactory. You are letting this person touch you, feel you and see you - you are naked, or almost naked, and you are vulnerable - if you're prepared to let him in (no pun intended) then tell him what you want

Micahelxcx

How long were you in your relationship? Are you missing the security and intimacy you had because you are now feeling so vulnerable?
Coming out of a relationship leaves partners both insecure and susceptible?
I would suggest forgetting about your ex completely. Your other sexual partners have not been the same for you as your sexual relastionship with your ex because everyone is different.
They cannot compete in the sexual satisfaction stakes with your ex because you both shared a high level of intimacy.
If you want your ex back then tell him.
Otherwise move on.
And remember! Sexual relations is just one part of a healthy relationship.

banshee_bones

Very bad idea. You will set yourself back, and you will also set him back. Not only are you messing with your feelings you will be messing with his.
Looking back with rose tinted glasses is easy and it is very tempting but its just a phase and I think you will get past it. It probably feels right now that no one will ever come close to what you had with your ex sexually, but trust me you will find that again, you just have to give it time.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far. To answer a couple of questions, we were together for 2 years and he broke up with me out of the blue for no good reason. I would love nothing more than to try and mend the relationship but I think he's too immature to try. We both talked about our future together - he'd regularly talk about 'when we get a house together' or whatever so it was a serious relationship. If I thought it was as simple as asking him to try again, I would. (It's not, is it?)

I guess I just see it as a one night stand with someone I'm really attracted to. Ideally we'd walk away the next morning and let that be that. Motley Crue, I think you're right in that it's easier to go back to what I know, than to go forwards and try to find someone new. If I thought it was as easy as going out tonight and bringing someone home, I'd do that. But I've tried it and been horribly disappointed. My ex and I used cuddle so tightly from day 1, but with these other guys I haven't even wanted them to touch me afterwards. (I'm paranoid I sound like a slut; It was only 2 guys, not dozens).

So in a way I suppose I'm just after a satisfying one-night stand, and it just so happens that I know exactly where I could get one* .

*But yes, I admit there's a small hope that we'd spend a night together and he'd suddenly realised what he threw away.

merlie

Hi Msunreg,

I understand your predicament, but logically wanting just to sleep with your ex for one night and saying goodbye after that is going to hurt you even further. You haven't communicated with him since the break up to know how things are with him. He was all cuddly with you etc,. cos you were in a relationship, you don't get those from one night stands. If it was all broken down into what you really want, it is just plain sex. You said you know where to get it. You are just going about plainly hurting yourself.

What you need to do, is do other things. Keep busy, meet with friends, start a new hobby etc., you don't need a man in your life at the moment. You need to sort you out and take care of yourself. Having one night stands with your ex or with others is not going to help how you feel better.

I do understand that you miss your ex. It is hard to get over a serious relationship, you will miss all the closeness, the companionship, the small talk, the cuddles etc...yeah it hurts like something worse than hell but honestly in time you will feel much better about yourself and you will start to think less and less of him.

If he had wanted to get back with you then he would have contacted you. If you are afraid to contact him because you fear he will say the words 'No,' then leave it. I have an old saying 'If in doubt, leave it out!'

Sorry it is not really what you want to hear but you need to look after you first, concentrate doing other things than pursuing one night stands.

I wish you the best of luck

Beetlebum

Oh sweetheart...I could have written your post word for word a couple of years ago so I know exactly how you're feeling.

I bought a s*xy white dress, got my hair done and asked my ex to meet me for a casual pint. I thought he'd see me and want to rip my clothes off but instead he looked at me with pity in his eyes and told me he was seeing someone else. I felt pathetic.

Please don't do this. You are rationalising a terrible idea in your head and ignoring the little voice of reason on your shoulder. Do not do this. You will feel way worse afterwards.

I know you think you can hnadle it, well let me save you the time effort and embarassment - You can't.

The good news is this will become easier and one day you'll be 100% over him. Until that day take care of yourself and keep moving FORWARD..

PK2008

If you do have sex with him you'll just be back to square one again.

LegacyUser

Thanks again everyone, especially Bettlebum. Your post really struck a chord with me. I'd die if I saw him and he told me he was seeing someone else. Unfortunately, everyone I've asked has said it's a terrible idea, so I guess it really is.

You know how with things like this sometimes you take one step forwards and two steps back? This is just one of those times for me. I'll try and ride it out (no pun intended!).