I am too quiet

LegacyUser

I am a extremely quiet 28 year old guy. The chances are that if you have met me you would probably have thought that you never met anyone as quiet & reserved as me. Here are the facts of my life:

- I have always been extremely shy; Even as far back as when I was 5 and starting national school. I was never popular in school
- In secondary school, I had a core group of friends who I have lost touch with (Except for one who lives in a foreign country). We didnt have a falling out or anything, We just drifted apart after school and they are all over the place now
- I college, again I had a core group of friends. After college, again we all drifted apart due to getting jobs in different locations etc.
- Since college, I dont think I have made one single friend (Outside work). Within work, I get on great with some of my colleagues. I am not sure if they would consider me a genuine friend though.

Problem Number 1: I cannot make any new friends. I do not know how people go about it outside an educational environment (Where you are kinda forced to make friends). I feel extremely lonely at times and this gets me down.

I have never been with a girl, not even a kiss. I have never been brave enough to ask a girl out. I have gone out drinking many times down through the years but have never been nrave enough just to approach women. Lack of self-esteem, social phobia - whatever it is; I have not been able to talk to women in pubs & clubs. Now, If I do ever meet a girl, I like, She will think it extremely weird that I have so little experience. I bought "The Game" from Neil Strauss and he is on the money with so much.

Problem Number 2: I have never been with a girl and if I ever do find one, She may reject me because of my past. I know I am not a good looking guy. But I have seen plenty of non-good looking guys getting together with some wonderful girls

I am a good guy. I am probably too nice. But I am interesting when people get to know me; I can talk about books, films, theatre, sports. Its not like I am a completely boring guy. I just dont know how to sell myself to people (If you understand me). I dont have any communication skills. I fear that my life is destined to be like this - What a waste of a life it is. It prevents me from reaching my potential.
I bought "The Rules of the Game" by Neil Strauss which I think would actually help me improve my confidence (I know the aim is to get a date but I think it would help me overcome my social phobia to a degree). But I cant find the confidence to begin the tasks in it.

At the moment, I dont have a "circle of friends" as such. I have a friend here, a friend there, another friend here - None of of whom really know each other. And it is difficult to meet up with them (Jobs, partners, locations). So most weekends, I sit in at home - I can hardly go out by myself. But by staying in, I am never going to meet new people. My life is just so depressing at the moment... But now is the time for me to turn things around - to overcome my social phobia. If I dont do it now, Will I ever do it?

miss5

I was painfully shy when I was younger but the important thing is to ensure
it doesn't hold you back in life. As you said yourself your a good guy, focus
on the positive aspects, Would you consider joining a club to meet new people? There are so many sports/clubs where you could meet a variety of people. The more you interact with new people, the more you will slowly
start to feel more confident, Any genuine girl wont care about your dating history, Try to initiate conversation with girls you like and remember being
shy is cute

LegacyUser

hey there, i know how difficult it is being shy and finding it difficult to talk to people, i was like that for quite a lot of my years. due to personal circumstance a couple of years ago i ended up going to therapy for a while and found it really helped me to get comfortable with who i am and to start enjoy being me. that's where things started to get better, people will find it difficult to connect with you if you are not really comfortable with yourself.

i work in a library and over the last couple of months i've started to read some of the books we have on communication and interaction with other people. it actually opened my eyes a lot. i had always thought that i was a nice person, why did other people not really see that and want to engage with me? through reading the books i realised that i was pushing people away myself without even realising it, things like being nervous about conversation and i was talking to people while at the same time trying to figure out how to end the conversation because i was so uncomfortable! of course no one was going to talk to me if i was giving out signals that i didn't really want to talk!

i've also learned about how conversation flows, not in an artificial way but how to naturally gain interest by paying proper attention and being genuinely interested in what the other person was saying, how to engage fully. it really has helped me and these days i find i'm much better at engaging with people and even tend to start chatting with folk randomly like people at checkouts or who i come into contact with at work, and it all comes from a good mood and actually wanting to communicate, it's not forced.

most importantly i've learned that you have to give out what you want to get. if you want people to be interested in you then you need to show them that you are interested in them, they need a reason to engage with you. if you find people tend to ignore you or not talk to you you need to stand out a bit and initiate with them and show them you are interested in communicating.

you might like to take a look in your local library at the communications section and see what you'll find, even books on business communication or body language can help you to learn to be a better communicator. i hope it will help you grow in confidence. once people sense that you are open to talking to them and that you will engage with them properly you may find that they will interact with you more. and naturally things like girls and relationships will follow - you have to show the ladies that you are interested in them, if you are too reserved to show them then how will they ever know?

Hank_Jones

I would advise you to join sports clubs you have an interest in,
or to take some classes in something you are interested in.

This means that you will have something to talk to people about.
I used to think that I wasn't able and would never be able to talk to anyone about anything.
Then I went to college and realised that it was easier to talk to people who have the same sort of interests as myself.

Regarding approaching women, I would just say that you shouldn't view it as some sort of obstacle.
Women in reality are just people, some of them are extremely nice and some of them are just as shy as yourself.
Just have a little bit of confidence in yourself and you'll be fine.

I hope everything goes well for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys.

I know that you are right;

You will only get what you give. If I dont talk to people, why would they talk to me?
If I dont let women know I like them, they will never know.

Its just so damn hard and I suspect I will probably go through my whole life like this.

LegacyUser

opbackagain wrote: »

Thanks for the replies guys.

I know that you are right;

You will only get what you give. If I dont talk to people, why would they talk to me?
If I dont let women know I like them, they will never know.

Its just so damn hard and I suspect I will probably go through my whole life like this.

Hey bro. Just to throw out my tupence worth.
I think in life everyone has their own mountains to climb or problems and difficulties to overcome. I think it's just one of them things - and the ironic thing, as awful as it is at the time, it's probably the most challenging thing that your likely to face in your lifetime and it will make you a stronger person - so it's actually to be embraced in sense, as much as we wish we didn't have to.

Your mountain is obviously this problem with social interaction.
All I know is this.
When your confronted with a maths problem, to solve it, you think about it.
When your trying to get your car to start, you check the various components, you deduce what the problem might be, and you try and solve it, so you can get your car on the road and go about your life.

Same thing.
Your being confronted with a problem. And as you said, now is the time to tackle it.
It's preventing you from reaching your potential and now you feel motivated to do something about it.
The mind is the greatest tool and weapon we have. So use it, apply it.
Think - consider your situation, consider every aspect.
Deduce ways and means to tackle your problem.
Try them.
If they don't work, then it's back to the drawing board but at least your direction is becoming better defined.

As I said, just my tupence worth. Best of luck bro.

disgruntled09

I posted a question here not so long ago about ways of gaining self confidence, self esteem and getting over shyness issues.

Someone recommended Paul McKenna's book "Instant Confidence". I bought this book and am almost finished it. I am finding it is helping somewhat but i think i might have to read it a couple more times for it to really go in. Defo worth a read though.

Another recommended Cognative Behavioural Therapy which seems interesting. Havent gone that far yet but might just. Check out this website ... http://www.cbt-dublin.com/

Another option is hypnosis. Its all a matter of being able to programme your mind to a different way of thinking. The book teaches you that. If you need extra support in doing that, maybe CBT or hypnosis is the way to go.

Good luck