Friend and Ex

LegacyUser

Without going into longwinded details, I finished with a guy a couple of months ago. He finished it actually, he seemed to think I wasn't as into it as he was, even though I was. All along he was very cagey about getting involved and seemed terrified I would hurt him. Somehow I did hurt him and he decided he didn't want to be with me. I was and am still devastated and think about him everyday. We were together less than a year but of any relationships Ive had, I have never had this connection and he said he hadn't either. I should say I'm a bit older than him (he's 22) and I think this was one of the reasons he was a bit nervous of the situation and me in general.

Anyway, this isn't even my issue. I no longer live Dublin where we both were based, my friend does however. Basically, she bumped into him one day, he had a big offload about why he finished it and she said she felt sorry for him and ever since they've been meeting up for the odd coffee or even a drink. Now I don't for a second think there's anything going on between them or that either, particularly him, are interested. But my head is f**king wrecked with her flaunting this in my face. While I was trying to get over it she was all "ah he's made up his mind,there's no point moping,move on"etc. I kind of felt she didn't take it seriously. But now she's all Aw he needs to talk, he misses you. She's now kind of making a big deal of it, in a dramatic, teenage way. If they were friends before I was with him I wouldn't mind, but she only knows him through me!

Maybe this is unreasonable but if anything it feels good to vent a little bit. I just don't want her hanging out with him. There's no need for it. It makes me interested in what's going on with him but at the same time hearing about him is torture. I don't want to be so unreasonable as to ask her not to hang around with him but I'm going a bit demented. I can't think of anything else. I'm nearly 29 by the way, I'm not a teenager! Sorry if that did end up a bit longwinded!

Glenshane Pass

Cut both of them out of your life - just like I have done.

Regardless of why shes doing it, its no good for you. You want to cut contact with him, thats a given, but although it can be like a drug, hearing from the mutual friend about the ex, its going to prolong everything.

You'll be given some information that will provoke you to think your ex isn't moving on without you.

Or, you'll be given information which will hurt you. All in all, none of it is worth it and it will keep you in limbo for a long time.

I have a mate that keeps bringing up my ex, and he loves it too. Don't know why he does it when he knows it hurts, boredom? Likes the drama? Don't know, but I warned him he wouldn't hear from me for a while if he continued.

Put yourself in a powerful position, cut them both out of your life, and start moving on in peace.

Denimgirl

Yeah I agree with Glenshane P, what kind of sado is your mate to be hanging out with your ex anyway?I think she's trying to wreck your head and maybe carrying info back and forth between you, tell her if your ex has anything to say to you he has your number otherwise you don't want to talk about him and she should really get a life herself hanging out with friends ex boyfriends who she would'nt even know only for you,I would'nt be able for her! she'd drive me nuts! get rid!!

Monkey61

If she is a good friend you should calmly tell her that you are trying to move on with your life and do not want to hear his name mentioned under any circumstances.

It is possible that she is just being friendly and nice. It isn't her fault that he chose her to have a massive chat with. You could just be being super sensitive to the whole scenario and thus interpret any mention of him as her "flaunting it in your face."

She can hang out with whoever she wants though. I don't buy this whole "friends not allowed to hang out with exes" stuff. But she should be decent enough to not tell you about it if it is upsetting you.

dublingal80

what is it with girls! seriously!! she is being horrible! she is your friend, she should be looking after you, and if she was meeting him, she doesnt have to be telling you everything she has been

myself and my ex broke up recently and my friend started texting him to see if he was ok, basically just trying to get info out of him, and would tell me if she got a text from him or not and im left thinkin - why are you telling me this? its not helping me get over him!!!
And he knows what she is like too so 90% of the time he is ignoring her texts and the odd time he does text her its very short!

Some girls just cant help themselves, love the drama and just want to be stuck in the middle of it all

LegacyUser

Thanks to you all for taking the time to read and reply. The vent alone did me good but it's nice to see that I'm not completely irrational or losing my marbles altogether!

I think I will have to cut her out to some degree. I have already said it hurts me to hear regular updates about him and she usually comes back with classics like "but are you not curious to hear what he says". Someone said there is the possibility that she's just being nice and I suppose its not entirely her fault he chose to confide in her but at this stage it just doesn't feel sincere, more like some kind of power game. I do agree that I'm sensitive to the situation but surely she in turn should be sensitive to that fact!

Thanks so much again.

merlie

I understand how you feel but now there is a third person involved and this can mess things up for you, as if it is not already messy. You do need to take a break from all of this.

As a friend she should understand your situation and realise the amount of climbing you have to do to feel alright again. It would look like she is enjoying mediating between you two and is taking an active role. But to go and feel sorry for him is a bit much, she should be feeling sorry for you, not him. Who is to say that she is not relaying what you say back to him?!

It does make your situation more complicated than should be. If he missed you and wants to talk then he should be in contact or get in contact with you and not through your friend.

You do indeed a break from all of this. So indeed your best bet is to lay low for a while and avoid contact.

Good luck