A poem for your critique (red pens at the ready!)

ToasterSparks

Hey all,

Let me know what you think. This was meant to be a nice poem but as usual I turned it into something creepy!

Obsession

Fingers dance swiftly across keys of granite
I know what I want and I know I must have it
Heart skips a beat when I see you’re online
Someday I’ll be able to say that you’re mine

Scanning and searching for more information
Hoping you’ll accept my friend invitation
Checking for comments on other friends’ pages
Reloading and hoping your profile pic changes

I see you at college in every class
I smile at you always and wave as you pass
You turn to your friends and you never respond
But you know, and I know, there’s a definite bond

I’ve posted on pages I know you will see
We’ve both clicked ‘Attending’ for Steven’s party
You’re single, you mentioned it to Sarah Wright
She wished you ‘good luck’ at the party tonight

My arm brushed off yours as you passed me today
I dropped my books, you asked if I was okay
I get it, you meant it, you’re sending a sign
Tonight I’ll be yours, and you’ll also be mine.

ThatNewGuy

Any chance this is coming up as the unseen poem on English Paper 2 tomorrow?

Good poem btw!

CHD

I can see how this poem ends.

Go home to get ready for the big night
Can't wear green like Sarah Wright
Quick login to check my notifications
Resist urge to post my love to the nation

Arrive at party and I see you there
Acting all cool like you havn't a care
I wait in the corner for you to approach
Its been 3 hours now are you having a joke?

Party ends and we have all had a few
Standard goings on a half past 2
Fights to my left puking to my right
You walk down the road out of my sight

Go home and log in to scan for a age
I frantically click F5 on you're page
Its been a long night you are probably ploughed
Finally you post ''grets parrty i pulld laugh out loud''

Sleepless night I get up and get dressed
Pack my pistol I feel so depressed
Finally you arrive in class at One
BANG! goes the shot of my gun.

pickarooney

Poetry showdown - bring that **** on!

ToasterSparks

ThatNewGuy wrote:

Any chance this is coming up as the unseen poem on English Paper 2 tomorrow?

Hope today went well for you. English is a nice subject, but very hand-cramp-inducing!

@CHD: Well, the poem is about unrequited teenage/YA love updated for the 21st century. And a little cyber-stalking is definitely part of that nowadays.

Anyone have any criticisms or comments for the poem? Anything at all would be good.

The Mad Hatter

ToasterSparks wrote: »

Anyone have any criticisms or comments for the poem? Anything at all would be good.

I've got a couple of things to say, which I hope are helpful. I like the poem, and I think you're onto some good stuff with it, but (and please don't take this the wrong way) I think it could definitely be much stronger.

Some specific things:

First of all, but the three-beat rhythm is very gentle, and works as a very nice counterpoint to the darker subject material. So that's cool - well done.

I would be inclined to break it in the last line, though, as the "also" ruins the dark effect and seems to be purely there for rhythmic purposes. This would be a good place to break the rhythm anyhow. Something like "Tonight I'll be yours. Tonight you'll be mine." might work better there.

Because you've set up such a steady rhythm, it comes as a surprise when you break it elsewhere, and to me it reads oddly, like "We've BOTH clicked 'atTENding' for STEVEn's parTY," or "HOPing you'll ACcept my FRIEND inviTATion," where one or more words winds up with a stress in the wrong place ("party" in the first, "accept" in the second).

The opening lines seem out of place too. "Keys of granite" doesn't really seem to me to have any meaning attached to it, rather to be an attempt to rhyme with the second line (which it doesn't do anyway). Also it's the only metaphor in the whole poem, which aside from that is very down-to-earth and literal. The second line essentially says the same thing in two different ways, so I think you'd be best off changing these lines completely, if you can.

That's how I see it anyways. Hope that helps.

getz

ToasterSparks wrote: »

Hey all,

Let me know what you think. This was meant to be a nice poem but as usual I turned it into something creepy!

Obsession

Fingers dance swiftly across keys of granite
I know what I want and I know I must have it
Heart skips a beat when I see you’re online
Someday I’ll be able to say that you’re mine

Scanning and searching for more information
Hoping you’ll accept my friend invitation
Checking for comments on other friends’ pages
Reloading and hoping your profile pic changes

I see you at college in every class
I smile at you always and wave as you pass
You turn to your friends and you never respond
But you know, and I know, there’s a definite bond

I’ve posted on pages I know you will see
We’ve both clicked ‘Attending’ for Steven’s party
You’re single, you mentioned it to Sarah Wright
She wished you ‘good luck’ at the party tonight

My arm brushed off yours as you passed me today
I dropped my books, you asked if I was okay
I get it, you meant it, you’re sending a sign
Tonight I’ll be yours, and you’ll also be mine.

i like that one best

ToasterSparks

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

I've got a couple of things to say, which I hope are helpful. I like the poem, and I think you're onto some good stuff with it, but (and please don't take this the wrong way) I think it could definitely be much stronger.

Some specific things:

First of all, but the three-beat rhythm is very gentle, and works as a very nice counterpoint to the darker subject material. So that's cool - well done.

I would be inclined to break it in the last line, though, as the "also" ruins the dark effect and seems to be purely there for rhythmic purposes. This would be a good place to break the rhythm anyhow. Something like "Tonight I'll be yours. Tonight you'll be mine." might work better there.

Because you've set up such a steady rhythm, it comes as a surprise when you break it elsewhere, and to me it reads oddly, like "We've BOTH clicked 'atTENding' for STEVEn's parTY," or "HOPing you'll ACcept my FRIEND inviTATion," where one or more words winds up with a stress in the wrong place ("party" in the first, "accept" in the second).

The opening lines seem out of place too. "Keys of granite" doesn't really seem to me to have any meaning attached to it, rather to be an attempt to rhyme with the second line (which it doesn't do anyway). Also it's the only metaphor in the whole poem, which aside from that is very down-to-earth and literal. The second line essentially says the same thing in two different ways, so I think you'd be best off changing these lines completely, if you can.

That's how I see it anyways. Hope that helps.

Thanks for that, loads of interesting points I'll have to go back and look at. And you're right about the start of the poem - it was originally intended to be a love pem between two online friends, but I switched it (cos you know, creepy cyber-stalker is more fun!)

Yeah, the last line should be a little more ... final. And I like your idea. It makes the poem a little bit darker when the speaker goes out of rhythm on the last line.

Yes, I must work on that dodgy rhythm in parts too.

Again, thanks, great feedback.

CHD

No reply?

I guess I win this poetry battle.

The Mad Hatter

CHD wrote: »

No reply?

I guess I win this poetry battle.

It's not easy to write with one character dead;
You hindered us all when you blew off her head.

CHD

The Mad Hatter wrote: »

It's not easy to write with one character dead;
You hindered us all when you blew off her head.

She had to go, alas was depressed
She was a stalker it was for the best

CHD

I declare CHD WINNAR

djan

ToasterSparks wrote: »

Hey all,

Let me know what you think. This was meant to be a nice poem but as usual I turned it into something creepy!

Obsession

Fingers dance swiftly across keys of granite
I know what I want and I know I must have it
Heart skips a beat when I see you’re online
Someday I’ll be able to say that you’re mine

Scanning and searching for more information
Hoping you’ll accept my friend invitation
Checking for comments on other friends’ pages
Reloading and hoping your profile pic changes

I see you at college in every class
I smile at you always and wave as you pass
You turn to your friends and you never respond
But you know, and I know, there’s a definite bond

I’ve posted on pages I know you will see
We’ve both clicked ‘Attending’ for Steven’s party
You’re single, you mentioned it to Sarah Wright
She wished you ‘good luck’ at the party tonight

My arm brushed off yours as you passed me today
I dropped my books, you asked if I was okay
I get it, you meant it, you’re sending a sign
Tonight I’ll be yours, and you’ll also be mine.

---

Go home to get ready for the big night
Can't wear green like Sarah Wright
Quick login to check my notifications
Resist urge to post my love to the nation

Arrive at party and I see you there
Acting all cool like you havn't a care
I wait in the corner for you to approach
Its been 3 hours now are you having a joke?

Party ends and we have all had a few
Standard goings on a half past 2
Fights to my left puking to my right
You walk down the road out of my sight

Go home and log in to scan for a age
I frantically click F5 on you're page
Its been a long night you are probably ploughed
Finally you post ''grets parrty i pulld laugh out loud''

Sleepless night I get up and get dressed
Pack my pistol I feel so depressed
Finally you arrive in class at One
BANG! goes the shot of my gun
As we fall together
with a thump.

Possibly the :)BEST:)poem I have ever read. You gotta love the total change of the second part. Great flow, vivid imagery. I could write a 10 page personal response on it.


Pity I couldnt do that in the exam:(