Need to masturbate every day/every other day

LegacyUser

I've realised that I need to masturbate at least every two days.

I was trying to stop myself for two reasons:

1) so that sex is more pleasurable -
2) can't usually cum with a girl through penetration/without fantasising
3) so I would stop looking at porn on the net

I'm in my late 30s and I've been at it since I was 13 or so. I'd like to stop so that my sex life would improve. I'm single at the mo mind but with the last few girls I've been out with, I kind of need to fantasise before I cum and it puts me under pressure. I guess I could go "that's fine for me" as I love the act of sex, just cumming isn't easy unless I'm doing it myself.

I'm not sure if I'm addicted to masturbation or not - but I only look at porn to masturbate and to get it out of the way so I don't have to fantasise.

I'll be off on holidays with a friend soon and won't have the ability to **** as we're sharing a room. But it's usually only an outside influence that prevents me rather than an internal "you don't need to".

Is it normal to masturbate so much?

The Corinthian

neeedto wrote: »

Is it normal to masturbate so much?

I don't think it is abnormal, or even unusual, TBH.

The reasons you list for wanting to stop are realistically not down to masturbation and I suspect there are other issues at work.

LegacyUser

I am male and kind of in a similar position. I do it a few days on trot and not again for a while. Some times there is a build up of pressure in that area and it has to be relieved some way. Also if wearing tight clothing it brings the need to do it on more

Also I do get pleasure from it, find it relaxing and normal do it before going to bed watching internet porn mostly. You can time yourself to cum. I can hand away for ½ a hour start and stop as I go along to delay it.

If desperate during holiday, always do a sneaky one in bathroom at night. Turn on water to drown out noise.

I think I have done it at work three times in 20 years, boredom and just needed the relief of it.

I feel it would affect me as a problem if I had to do it when getting up in morning before work

Chairman Meow

Only every 2 days???

cafecolour

Masturbating every day isn't abnormal. But there can be a couple issues at work, especially if you've been single for ages.

Are you masturbating in the same way every time? Ie sitting at your computer, with the same grip/speed for the most part? You've essentially programmed your penis to respond only to a specific pressure/grip, which is making it harder to respond to the rhythm of sex.

What are you fantasizing about when you are with the girls? Are you attracted to something different than the girls you are dating?

Finally, you sound like you are treating masturbation as task (to 'get it out of the way') - it should be an enjoyable experience that allows you to discover different things you enjoy - physically and mentally.

The Corinthian

face10000 wrote: »

I think I have done it at work three times in 20 years, boredom and just needed the relief of it.

I do think that doing so in work is inappropriate or at least very unprofessional.

I feel it would affect me as a problem if I had to do it when getting up in morning before work

Of course it would, other than wasting time when you have to get ready for work, you run the risk of falling asleep afterward.

prinz

If it's impacting on the OP's life then yes sounds to me like you've got yourself a problem there. Masturbating often isn't a major issue in itself but when you have problems enjoying sex with a partner because of it then you're going wrong. Give the hand and the porn a break for a while and see what happens.

Amadeus.

Masturbation is normal. I do it on average twice a day. Once in the morning and last thing at night(if I don't have sex with the mrs).
The only thing that would stop me is if I tore my foreskin, then I have to leave it for a couple of days which can be quite frustrating and during these times I find myself very edgy.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Well, I do use the same technique that I have used for about 20 years and I know that that's part of the problem.

I started a new job recently and was away for a week's holiday so there was an imposed "ban" on doing it.... so there I was thinking "right, that's it. I can give up porn and prevent myself from getting off". Then within two days of being home I felt like masturbating and went straight back onto the computer - because that's the quickest way to get off.

If I was to trace it back to my teenage years, I was exposed to porn quite young - at about 12/13 and I remember then wanting to have sex and spent my teenage years waiting til I hit 18 ( I thought you had to wait til you were 18?) and then when it did come around to having sex, I was so worried about it all that I'd have performance anxiety and it would all go wrong - so I then avoided sex.

I avoided getting into situations where sex might be on the cards.... this has changed in the last 10 years and although I still get Anxiety, I am more confident these days.

I also remember thinking when in school "I can either marry a "silly sexy blonde slut" or a "smart attractive brunette" - someone to have sex with or someone to be a mother to my kids. It was around the same time that I tried discussing one of the blondes from DALLAS with a friend in school and was embarrassed by the reaction - ie, he called me a pervert or some such name and then started telling others about it.

So what do I fantasise about? Well, it could be an attractive 50 year old woman - it could be a girl in a school uniform.

When I'm out and I see attractive 18/19 year olds, I'm smitten.

The women I go out with are all attractive and with decent bodies but they're not a slim blonde 19 year old which is what I fantasise about when I need to cum.

So (sorry, I'm working it all out as I type) I'm living in a fantasy world of sex - which, unless I go pay for it (which I don't do) won't ever happen.

What I would like is to stop **** in order to be able to cum with a gf without having to resort to fantasising. The thing is, with my last gf, I always felt compelled to cum and had to fantasise to do so as it wasn't happening naturally.

What I would rather have done is enjoyed the sex for what it was and not have had to cum so that I'd be building up to it the next time. Hard to explain that to a woman though.

Trying my best to keep away from the porn and to keep my hands off for the time being.

The Corinthian

needto wrote: »

If I was to trace it back to my teenage years, I was exposed to porn quite young

TBH, many people are exposed to porn when still quite young and grow up without any sexual hangups and others are not and end up with quite a few. I think you are looking in the wrong places for the causes to your problems.

I also remember thinking when in school "I can either marry a "silly sexy blonde slut" or a "smart attractive brunette" - someone to have sex with or someone to be a mother to my kids.

This actually underlines my point about looking in the wrong places for the causes to your problems. The virgin-whore syndrome predates the widespread availability of pornography in Ireland and in reality predates the widespread availability of pornography in general.

I've an old friend who actually suffers from this syndrome to the point he has never had any relationship, since his teens, that lasted more than 24 hours or was a casual fsck-buddy relationship. Women who will have sex with him are effectively whores for doing so, while those he respects he cannot have sex with - he has, over the years, 'fallen in love' with a number of unattainable women, for this purpose.

While possibly even more extreme than your case, his problems stem not from pornography (I once shared a flat with him for two years, so I'd almost certainly have known if he had any). Instead, it came down to a combination of a conservative, Catholic upbringing and a doting mother, who other than spoiling him was poorly educated (left school at 12) and thus 'inferior'. As a result, he grew up with misogynistic views with regard to women - none of which which came from either pornography or masturbation.

In addition, as has been pointed out, it is not unusual for a man to masturbate or have sex every day well into middle age. This too, in itself, will not necessarily result in any problems.

As such, I strongly suggest you examine other factors in your life and past that may be at the root of your problems. I genuinely believe that if you focus on pornography or masturbation, you will ultimately solve nothing.

LegacyUser

I take that all on board Corinthian.

Yep - conservative upbringing - I was always waiting for the parents to have a talk to me - the only thing I really got was from my mother: a piece from the newspaper about how condoms couldn't protect against AIDS.

I have always had a **** time with condoms actually which increased my anxiety.

Going deeper though, I guess I've never seen myself as "a catch" as it were or because I have always doubted my ability to earn money and being successful. As in "she'd never go out with me because even though I have a job, I'm living in constant fear of being fired or I'm so unconfident, I'll never go far in the job or God, what would happen if we went out and met her friends and I'd have nothing to say.

Throughout my 20s I was rather shy and quiet so I would never really have dared ask a girl out - although I did end up going out with a few who I liked but never clicked with. Just ended going out with the wrong girls really and I wasn't happy in myself.

So now I'm more comfortable and happy with myself - I don't really have the shyness anymore and have quite a few things going for me... and I'm quite well liked with friends etc...

I have many female friends who I'd never sleep with as they are friends and i've no ill feelings towards women.

Possibly to do with this:
I see a girl I really fancy physically. In my head I think "even if I got her into bed, I'd fall at the first hurdle and wouldn;t be able to get it up. Everyone will find out" . . .

It's like i'm going to be found out some day.... I'll be discovered or exposed. That feeling hasn't been around for a while though.

Then I go out with girls who I like and are cute but not glam or really "sexy" (don't like that word but you get me) and I feel more comfortable with them and we have successful sex to an extent but it's the glam sexy girls that I want to be with or who I think about to make me cum.

Then again, there's a girl I really like at the mo' who's a bit of both with a great sense of humour who I do click with and I have been thinking about her in a gf/sexual way.

The Corinthian

I think your problem is there, in your upbringing; the (often conflicting) values that were imposed on you and your resulting sense of self-worth. Deal with them rather than the masturbation/porn, which is at best a symptom and at worst a red herring.

In this respect, I can only suggest councilling or talking to others with similar experiences or upbringings (some may appear in this thread). Unfortunately, I had a different upbringing that while it had its own issues, left me a lot more balanced in this regard.

kjl

Well, I have noticed the dirtiness in my porn steadily increasing though out the years, as in when I was 15 I had a 10 second video of teri hatcher which I much have jerked off to about a million times. Now however it takes a lot more to get me off.

But I find that when I'm with a girl, the physical touch, the excitement, I have no problems focusing on the girl in question. Now I masturbate a lot, like 3 times, maybe more a day and I can assure you that it has not affected my libido in any way shape or form. Just forget the notion that you need something from sex, and just enjoy it.

Motley Crue

The Corinthian wrote: »

I do think that doing so in work is inappropriate or at least very unprofessional.

It depends in what profession the OP works!

The Corinthian wrote: »

Of course it would, other than wasting time when you have to get ready for work, you run the risk of falling asleep afterward.

prinz

The Corinthian wrote: »

This actually underlines my point about looking in the wrong places for the causes to your problems. The virgin-whore syndrome predates the widespread availability of pornography in Ireland and in reality predates the widespread availability of pornography in general..

It may predate it, but IMO porn only serves to add fuel to the problem. It seems to me the OP is comparing the regular girls he meets and has relations with against the fantasy pornstars and the regular girls are, in his mind, coming up short. That's a cycle that be improved with a re-evaluation of women as a whole and on how porn has affected the OP's view of reality so I don't think the OP reflecting on how he views (in the figurative not literal sense) pornography is looking in the wrong place at all. It seems to fit into the overall issue.

Mr Benevolent

OP you really need to go out and talk to women your age. Not about sex, just smile, say hello etc. Giving up masturbation isn't useful.

The Corinthian

prinz wrote: »

It may predate it, but IMO porn only serves to add fuel to the problem.

Maybe, but in my experience, and certainly in this case it it at best a minor contribute, not a cause.

I'm sure porn can cause critical issues in some cases, but I just get the impression, this is not one if them.

LegacyUser

Confab wrote: »

OP you really need to go out and talk to women your age. Not about sex, just smile, say hello etc. Giving up masturbation isn't useful.

Er thanks but I have a lot of female friends my own age. The issue isn't about me being able to communicate with women.

I think the deeper problem is one of responsibility - I sometimes masturbate in order to waste time and avoid the tasks at hand - have done that for years. At the moment I'm very busy and my mind is on my job and I don't have time to spend looking at porn. And I'm happier with that.

There are a few issues going on with confidence and the lack of it but I'm working on that.

And you know, I met some attractive women my own age this evening where I thought "yep, I could happily get it on with them" .

B.P.D.iva

i think it is perfectly normal..i am female and do it everyday..and watch porn but only girls stuff..i don't like the other crap..anyways..am 35 and single..so i don't see the harm in having some fun with yourself..unless your fantasties become strange and involve hurting females etc. then I would get help..other that than just do what you need to do

Drops of Jupiter

Hi OP,

I don't think the issue is how much you masturbate or look at porn but the fact is that you sound very unhapppy and lonely and your current situation is impacting your ability to have a meaningful healthy relationships.

I think learning about sex from watching porn at a young age without ever having any real life experience of dealing with women in any capapcity is bound to lead to problems in some cases and probably has done in your case. At aged 12/13 you still very impressionable with little life experience.

Some men are capable of separating the reality from the fantasy but a lot cases they are not and it impacts their ability to form an intimate connection with a real life woman as well as their views on women.

I have nothing against porn but I really wish people would admit that in some cases porn can often lead to addictions/obsessions/attitudes that ultimately can be devasting and soul destroying for men. To admit this does not mean you are an anti-porn prude yet nobody wants to talk about it!

It's like drugs not everyone who takes coke is going to become addicted. I know some people who use recreationally and have done for years. Others end up addicted, lost their jobs, relationships etc. Different strokes for different folks. Your own upbringing, values, attitudes are going to affect how you view porn also.

I would suggest that you stop watching porn for a while and try and connect with a women in an emotional non-sexual way and see how that goes. I know you said you have no ill will towards women but you seem to hold somewhat unhealthy attitudes to them (virgin whore stuff) and can only relate to them in a sexual way.

Also, if you google Naomi Wolf "The Porn Myth" and take a read. It's not an anti-porn article but talks about how in some cases porn reduces a man's sexual desire for real women and takes the mystery out of sex which often leave men lonely and unfulfilled. Feminists believed that porn would lead to increase sexual appetities among men but the reality seems to be quite different.

Powerhouse

The Corinthian wrote: »

I do think that doing so in work is inappropriate or at least very unprofessional.

I think this is quiet a bizarre observation. What is less appropriate or professional about say taking a leak in work as opposed to masturbating?

Surely all of these are private matters done in the privacy of the toliet and do not affecting one's ability to do the job? I don't know where the inappropraiteness or unprofessionalism comes into it.

shellyboo

OP, I think you sound perfectly normal. I reckon if you lost the guilt you've associated with your masturbatory/porn habits then you'd find this whole sex business a lot less nervewracking.

You're telling yourself that these habits are affecting your sex life negatively, and once you start thinking that way it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm a woman and I go through the same thing -- once I get it into my head that I won't be able to orgasm or I need help to orgasm (a toy or something), that's it. I wouldn't be able to orgasm "naturally" as you say.

You said yourself that if you were left to have sex but not climax, and then give it another go that you'd find it much easier -- well, what's wrong with that?! Sounds fine to me, and it's not something I'd worry about as a female. I mean, a guy who just wants to pleasure me for an hour or so and not worry about himself? Little to be complaining about really.

Your anxiety about the whole thing - the masturbation, porn and fantasies - are what's causing the problems, not the things themselves. Chill! You're normal! Just enjoy yourself, and stop putting needless pressure on yourself.