Why do the ones I really want get away some how?

LegacyUser

To put it into context: I'm a bit of a womaniser. Not in a bad way; I just enjoy casual sex with women who are completely fine with it being casual. They aren't 'sluts' by any definition; I'm just usually very good at putting women at ease and getting them comfortable with me. I guess you could call it game if you want to.

For example;

I could 'booty call' over ten women right now, all very very attractive and some with boyfriends (although they didn't have them at the time of our earlier trysts, I have slept with women who had boyfriends before, and this is something I don't do anymore as it is a horrible thing to do and I regret doing it in the past.)

My issue is purely that I am mad about one woman. She was into me too. She likes to play her cards close to her chest because of previous let downs, and I understood that and spent plenty of time getting to know her. The majority of our correspondence was through chatting online, texting, and occasional phone calls. We have met about four times, all quite brief and through mutual friends.

She was working in Brazil for most of the year and was back for a couple of weeks, and will be moving back to Ireland full time later this year in a few months time.

While she was here for the few weeks, she did not contact me first; i contacted her. Her replies were colder than usual, and it's now at the point where I will not contact her again for at least a month to ensure I don't come across in any way pushy. We did not see each other at all.

Thing is, I'm not the best guy I could be. I am quite unhealthy, I drink a lot and go out a lot. I've got a good job and make a decent amount of money, but I waste it trying to act the rock star.

I've never met anyone quite like her before, and we are a match in pretty much everything except in terms of sexual... ease, I suppose.

So I've resolved to try to get my act together over the next few months, see where it goes from there.

Does anybody else have any suggestions for me? Will cutting contact have the desired result?

Thanks for reading.

(we're both in our 20's by the way, just in case you think I'm an immature 40 year old or somethin)

Victor

If you want to cut back on the drinking, try replacing it with something else that will take up your time. Also, its better to have a pint or two five times a week than ten altogether on Saturday night.

m@cc@

Would you give up the casual sex for this one woman?

LegacyUser

Thanks for the tips Victor.

m@cc@:

Yeah I would, but not immediately. It has to start off casual for it to develop into something more, and I'm quite patient.

Do you think I have a shot with this girl?

LegacyUser

rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

Do you think I have a shot with this girl?

Of course you have. There's nothing stopping you but the doubts about your past in your mind. You'll kick yourself if you don't make a go of it. Be careful of putting this woman on a pedestal though, she's not perfect! This might be what's holding you back too (thinking she's perfect)

good luck

LegacyUser

I think you need to tell this lady how you feel. Tell her she's special to you and not like any other girl you've met and you'd like to get to know her. It's the only way, us girls can't read your minds and especially with a player like you it's impossible to figure out where you stand. It's time for you to take a risk and open up...

LegacyUser

I appreciate you saying that I should tell her, but in my experience saying something is nowhere good as showing it. I have patience, realistically I can wait until she gets back. If she doesn't have a boyfriend at that stage then I'll give it a go...

If she does have a boyfriend and she's not happy with him, then there's other ways I can do it. If she is happy with the guy I'll just leave off.

As painful as it is to admit, and as painful as this whole thing is, I just have to bide my time I reckon. Anyone got any tips on getting over someone in the meantime? And no, 'getting under someone else' is one I know full well already...

seenitall

Why do you only want the ones who get away?

LegacyUser

Eh, that's not what I said. I guess it's more like this;

whenever I meet a woman or get to know a woman that I really want, that kind of feeling where you just see you and her working so well together and she makes you feel slightly nervous when she looks at you because she's so much the person you want to be with.... well, for me it never works out.

It's the women who scare me and make me slightly giddy that I can never get. I'm so comfortable around most women in that way that it's a very rare occurrence and I don't want to settle. I tried that many times before and it just doesn't work out. Why settle for someone who doesn't make you feel like that? Wouldn't you much prefer someone who makes your heart leap whenever you talk to them?

F**k, reading back on that, I think I've got it baaad....

seenitall

Fine, I may be waaaaay off the mark here. It's just that the title of your post reminded me of someone I know. She is at a loss why all the guys she gets the tummy butterflies and dry mouth about end up being unattainable and/or unavailable. While I watch her and wonder why the heck she always goes for unavailable guys?!

That's all!

Emme

rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

Yeah I would, but not immediately. It has to start off casual for it to develop into something more, and I'm quite patient.

Are you saying that you would have other girls on the side while you were initially dating the girl you really like? Methinks you can't like her that much so. If you're really into her you wouldn't be into dating anyone else but her from the very beginning.

Maybe this girl is just a challenge to you because she's unattainable and it would be a massive ego boost for you if you succeed in getting her to go out with you. And once you get her into bed you'd probably lose interest and start looking for the next hit :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

Haha, thought that kind of response would have come sooner.

I'll answer your statement with cold, hard fact.

If I'm in a relationship with someone, i am 100% committed. When i'm not in a relationship i'm not. I would expect anybody else to be the same.

Fact is, 'dating', by most people's approximation, is seeing somebody without commitment, yes?

I'm a realist. Women want men that women want. I think the fact that I would choose her over all the others says something, don't you agree?

I want a relationship with this woman, and until I have that, I will explain that I'm single and I enjoy myself. This puts less pressure on her to get into a relationship, and makes it all the more special if it does happen.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't paint me as seeking an ego boost or being a predator. I'm trying to find the woman I want to spend time with more than any other, and to be honest seeing lots of people is the best way to do that.

seenitall

Rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

Haha, thought that kind of response would have come sooner.

I'll answer your statement with cold, hard fact.

If I'm in a relationship with someone, i am 100% committed. When i'm not in a relationship i'm not. I would expect anybody else to be the same.

Fact is, 'dating', by most people's approximation, is seeing somebody without commitment, yes?

I'm a realist. Women want men that women want. I think the fact that I would choose her over all the others says something, don't you agree?

I want a relationship with this woman, and until I have that, I will explain that I'm single and I enjoy myself. This puts less pressure on her to get into a relationship, and makes it all the more special if it does happen.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't paint me as seeking an ego boost or being a predator. I'm trying to find the woman I want to spend time with more than any other, and to be honest seeing lots of people is the best way to do that.

Lovely. Getting icicles on my nose just reading this post. TBH, it actually fills in the picture for Emme's theory about you quite wonderfully.

PK2008

Rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

Haha, thought that kind of response would have come sooner.

I'll answer your statement with cold, hard fact.

If I'm in a relationship with someone, i am 100% committed. When i'm not in a relationship i'm not. I would expect anybody else to be the same.

Fact is, 'dating', by most people's approximation, is seeing somebody without commitment, yes?

I'm a realist. Women want men that women want. I think the fact that I would choose her over all the others says something, don't you agree?

I want a relationship with this woman, and until I have that, I will explain that I'm single and I enjoy myself. This puts less pressure on her to get into a relationship, and makes it all the more special if it does happen.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't paint me as seeking an ego boost or being a predator. I'm trying to find the woman I want to spend time with more than any other, and to be honest seeing lots of people is the best way to do that.

To be honest OP there does seem to be a slightly creepy undertone to your view of women, not predatory but a bit clinical or formulaic like one of those pick up techniques.

Anyway the fact she makes you nervous is not a bad thing, its a good thing, ok it puts you off your 'game' but if you want to have a good relationships with her then maybe you should stop playing games.

Why dont you just ask her out?

Kimia

Rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

Haha, thought that kind of response would have come sooner.

I'll answer your statement with cold, hard fact.

If I'm in a relationship with someone, i am 100% committed. When i'm not in a relationship i'm not. I would expect anybody else to be the same.

Fact is, 'dating', by most people's approximation, is seeing somebody without commitment, yes?

I'm a realist. Women want men that women want. I think the fact that I would choose her over all the others says something, don't you agree?

I want a relationship with this woman, and until I have that, I will explain that I'm single and I enjoy myself. This puts less pressure on her to get into a relationship, and makes it all the more special if it does happen.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't paint me as seeking an ego boost or being a predator. I'm trying to find the woman I want to spend time with more than any other, and to be honest seeing lots of people is the best way to do that.

This is the oddest response I've ever seen. Before getting to this part, I was on board with you OP. I was saying to myself 'god that poor guy, always chasing women, never really finding anyone he likes enough to settle down, and now he's found someone and he's like a big kid! aww'.

And then we get to this post. Wow. Firstly it's ridiculously contradictory. You go from this point of view

Do you think I have a shot with this girl?

to this

I think the fact that I would choose her over all the others says something, don't you agree?

says lots more about your ego than Emme ever could. And FYI, this

I want a relationship with this woman, and until I have that, I will explain that I'm single and I enjoy myself. This puts less pressure on her

actually puts more pressure on her. But maybe that's what you're going for.

And yes, there is a seriously creepy undertone to this. You are just a cliche, you want what you can't have and that písses you off. :rolleyes:

If you want to be in a relationship with this woman, just ask her out. No need for the pathetic games.

LegacyUser

Contradictory?

Is it contradictory that I would have a choice in my love life, and that all the power does not reside with the woman, as is the norm?

I guarantee she gets hit on more often than I ever have, has a much wider choice of sexual partners, and has probably had her fun in the past (or even now, I'm not there with her, so how do I know?).

Realistically, any attractive woman does. The difference is that I don't stand for women coming up to me and asking for me to buy them a drink, I don't stand for being led on only for some laugh amongst them and their friends. I don't stand for being used.

I have friends who do, and believe me, they are sexless, loveless and desperate to meet a woman who will appreciate them for who they are, not for their bank balance or how many drinks they can buy. Some of them have even given up hope, and they are so delighted when any woman pays them attention it comes across as creepy.

It just destroys your dignity.

Can we all just agree that we have sex drives that need to be fulfilled? Well, unfortunately, for most guys, they aren't. And I know a lot of women (some who are friends of mine) who freely admit that they use sex to get what they want; be it actually having it, or making the guy believe he's got a shot when he really doesn't.

A lot of women see sex as something they 'give' the man. What is that about? It's not! It's completely equal, or at least it should be!

I made it quite clear in my first post that the women I sleep with are more than happy with the arrangements we have, and that most don't want a relationship. I make it very clear that a relationship is something that takes me a while to decide on, and if they start to fall for me I let them down gently and don't lead them on.

Sadly, the days of vocal professions of love and proposals of marriage are over. It would make things so much simpler really, wouldn't it? Like I said before, I will show her what she means to me when I get back, but I've got to do it in a way that doesn't overwhelm her, or I will drive her away.

I cannot BELIEVE that I come on here for help, make it very clear that I am looking for positive, constructive advice, and I get labelled a 'creep' for being honest. I have a sex drive, I can have sex when I want it. And regularly do. There is nothing wrong with that as long as I don't hurt anyone.

Lovers play games with each other. Complete honesty kills any kind of tension you might have and ruins the fun of figuring out what the other person thinks. It's challenging, and she challenges me on everything, which I love.

You don't want to kill that fun, and anybody who has been in a long relationship knows that. Really happy couples I know who are well into old age say that 'we still have the ability to surprise each other, and that's what makes it so fun still'.

More specifically, I'll respond to Kimia:

Yes, I am like a big kid. But I can't put all my eggs in one basket. I hope you understand how much I'm terrified of f**king this up and being left without respect for myself, and wondering that if I did things differently how it would have worked out.

Asking somebody out is just that; asking them out. A relationship is something that develops over time, after repeated 'dates'. I will ask her out of course, I just wanted input into the situation from people and to get it off my chest...

I'm hardly going to go up to her with a written note and read it about how much I want to be with her and take care of her when she's upset or sick and make sure she's always okay and tell her that I want to be in a relationship, am I?


I'm not that surprised by the reaction, I'm aware that a lot of you won't be able to identify with this and that's fair enough. Attacking me about it doesn't really help anybody but yourself though. Whenever you attack somebody directly like that it's usually to make yourself feel better.

I've responded to everybody's points, I apologise but anything that wasn't constructive I discarded immediately, because I'm not the one getting anything out of it, and the sad thing is neither are you.

Drops of Jupiter

"

rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

I cannot BELIEVE that I come on here for help, make it very clear that I am looking for positive, constructive advice, and I get labelled a 'creep' for being honest. I have a sex drive, I can have sex when I want it. And regularly do. There is nothing wrong with that as long as I don't hurt anyone"

Hi OP,

Sorry, I have to agree with the other posters. I am not sure exactly what you came on here for but if you are going to post looking for advice you need to be ready for the reality check that you will inevitably get. Maybe you don't realise it but you do come across as a bit of a narcissist from your posts anyway- something you seem to be very unaware of.

In my experience people like you are often the most insecure which may be the case seeing how defensive you got by the criticism. I think you have serious intimacy issues - If I was to hazard a guess I would say that thought of being really intimate in an emotional sense or being rejected for that matter scares the life out of you. You have cultivated this fake rocks star persona and you now realise how shallow and lonely that really is.

I didn't fully read the other posts but maybe take the feedback on board. People in RL don't often give us the reality check we really need. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Liam Byrne

rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

Yes, I am like a big kid. But I can't put all my eggs in one basket. I hope you understand how much I'm terrified of f**king this up and being left without respect for myself, and wondering that if I did things differently how it would have worked out.

Welcome to the real world.

rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

Asking somebody out is just that; asking them out. A relationship is something that develops over time, after repeated 'dates'.

And that is where the contradiction lies. I am partially with you on some of the things that you said, particularly about normally wanting a "relationship" to develop naturally......but likewise, if that's what you really think, then you can't know whether you want a relationship with her unless one develops and you know what it's really like - good points and bad points.

So, if you truly believed in the natural progression, after which you rule out others, then you wouldn't be worrying about this particular girl so much.

Every so often we need to bite the bullet, and if it works, great; if not, we pick ourselves up and start again.

But if you don't try, you'll never know.

grrrrrrrrrr

OP,

You cant play "games" with people.

Only reason your chasing this woman is cause she wont come (excuse the expression) at the click of your fingers.

What do you want from this woman? Marriage? If you've had 10 women at your call for what ever lenght of time then will you not get bored with this woman after so long? (Be it 6 months or 10 years).


I'm gonna walk away before I get banned for calling you something

Jaxxy

I have to disagree with the majority of posters here as I do not think it's fair to judge you by your attitude toward relationships, OP. After all, your opinions on the issue shouldn't matter to anyone but yourself and your "intended".

But you must understand that not everyone will share your open attitude toward dating, the girl you're chasing included (just because she's very attractive and gets chatted up a lot does not necessarily mean she has half a dozen FB's on call). Like others have said before the best thing you could do is to tell her. Ask her out when she moves back to Ireland. If you honestly feel as strongly for her as you appear to wouldn't you much prefer to know where you stand as soon as possible rather than waste your time playing a long-game that might not have the end result you desire?

You might suffer a blow to your ego if she turns you down, but IMO a short-term dent to your dignity (as you mentioned earlier) is a hell of a lot better than the prolonged damage you might endure if you drag it out.

I've been known to be cold to prospective partners as something of a defense or protective mechanism. I've since learned that if I truly do like someone I'm seeing, or have developed feelings for them, the best thing to do is to let them know. Women, like men, aren't mind readers. Sometimes you have to spell it out and be obvious. If she feels the same way about you as you do about her then her responses will be positive. If she doesn't then at least you'll know and can move on and turn your energies toward something or someone else.

Chinafoot

Rockstarlifegonetohell wrote: »

I'm trying to find the woman I want to spend time with more than any other, and to be honest seeing lots of people is the best way to do that.

And you know this how? Did you read "The Game" by any chance? Clearly hasn't worked out too well for you already, has it?

Sorry but I don't buy this game-playing rubbish of "if she sees other women want me, she'll want me." Its up there with the "treat em mean, keep em keen" shíte. There's a good chance this girl will see you dating lots of other women and be turned off by it. It would certainly make me think the bloke is definitely not relationship material. Actions speak far louder than words OP, and proclaiming to be mad about her will mean feck all if you're shagging other people. If her responses have been cold towards you she may simply be uninterested in you and perhaps be put off by your reputuation as a womaniser.

My advice would be to talk to her honestly if you genuinely want something to happen with her, and stop playing stupid, immature games that in the end will make you look like nothing more than a promiscuous narcissist.

LegacyUser

To be honest op, You read really desperate.
And is your self esteem quite what it should be?
You are not the person you would like to be for this girl, then quit the rockstar act, quit the womanizing, quit the bad habits, and cop yourself on to life.