I wasn't recognised...

LegacyUser

Hi,

I was out with 5 girls at home over the weekend. I was in the same class as these girls during secondary school. I was bullied by one of the 5 early on in school, and that combined with the fact that I was a shy youngster, left me totally excluded from the group from the word go. I had one or two other friends during my school days, but by 6th year I was on my own every lunchtime&break time. Jesus, I could cry now even thinking about it. I'm 28 now.

So, I got back on track with one of the 5 and she is probably my closest friend now. That sort of brought me towards the group a bit. I have gotten friendlier with 1 or 2 of the others over the years, but I dont' always feel a really important member of the gang, I suppose missing out of the school days has made that happen and nothing can change that.
So, on Sat night, we were in a particular bar, and bumped into another girl from our class. I hadn't seen her since school, and I dont' think the others had either. She said hi to all of the 5 individually, then stared blankly at me for ages. Then, she turned to one of the girls and said "who's she?". My friend told her, her face dropped, and she turned to look at me in complete disbelief. she said "you look hot" and stood there gaping. Anyhow, I said nothing, just stood as tall as I could. I couldn't decide whether or not I should have felt complimented, or insulted. I was so insulted that she didnt' recognise me. It reaffirmed the fact that I was a nobody back at school. I also dont' see how my appearance has changed over the years. I can understand if she just forgot my name, but to not recognise me at all! I’m not trying to be arrogant here, don’t get me wrong.

I have issues with my appearance, felt ugly for long time, and was once told it. Although I'm really baffled about how I could have changed since school. I don't think I have, only I look older. My hair is slightly different to what it was in school, but it's not like I've drastically changed the colour in any direction. I strongly feel that this girl was thinking, 'omg X(me) was such an unattractive dog at school, and now she's moved up the attractiveness ladder a couple of notches'. I don't regard myself as being good looking, and I'm not better looking than the other 5 girls, but also not any worse looking in my opinion. I know people will say, it's a compliment, but I just can't see it that way. I feel insulted, and the school feelings have come back to me slightly.

On top of that, when this girl said what she said, one of my friend spoke and said something like ' I didn't know X(me) when we were at school, I only got to know her once we went to the same college and it turned out she was a nut'. They were bladdering on about me being quiet at school etc etc. I felt annoyed, being shy or quiet is not a disorder. I don't think my friend caused offence though, more of a comliment really. I did say to her on Sat night after that incident, that I was quiet during school and that I was on my own. I was on the verge of blurting out that "there are specific reasons why I was on my own and why I never got to know the girls well or become friends with them", and glance in the direction of the bully to more or less tell my friend what actually happened to me at school. I held back though, I'm glad now.
(incidentally, to this day the bully in question never likes to see me getting comments of approvals from the other girls, or me being the centre of a conversation/attentions etc)

I suppose what I'm looking for is some feedback. None of you were there on Saturday night I know, but I simply feel insulted, like I was known as a shy, ugly, unoticed waster at school. I may have improved in my looks a small bit, but I'm not hot. Why didn't she call any of the other girls hot?
Also, and I suppose on a side issue, is leaving the bully to her own devices the best thing? She's still holding that hatred for me, and always will. Is ignoring it the best option? I feel very angry in situations where I see how much I've missed out. I feel like there's an injustice

Thanks for reading, and sorry this was so long!

krudler

Seriously? so you were, what 17-18 in 6th year? someone you barely knew 10 YEARS AGO didnt recognise you?I wouldnt recognise half the people I went to school with these days aside from the ones I knew well, its not a big deal.

i wouldnt care less if someone didnt recognise me from my school days, so what? life moves on and so should you. If you were quiet in school then how do you expect people to remember you years later?I was fairly shy in school and kept with a group of 3-4 people, I'd say most of my teachers and classmates wouldnt have a clue who I was if I walked into a room nowadays, and likewise I'd remember the outspoken guys or the ones who were messers, but not the ones who kept to themselves over the years.

Dont let it get to you.

Eve_Dublin

You know what OP? F*ck the past, f*ck the bitterness you feel towards your ex bullies, f*ck them all and move on. You are what you are right now. You´ve changed, they´ve changed and everything else is irrelevant. I know how you feel to some extent though OP....I had a good group of friends at school who are still my very close friends and who I love dearly but I was bullied at school too after I did something very stupid (but very typical of someone at that age) and never stood up for myself...I became the butt of a lot of people´s jokes for a couple of years after that incident and I held onto the bitterness and anger until quite recently (I´m 30 now and I´ve only let it go in the past 2 years) and then one day I decided I couldn´t carry on like this anymore. I hated my town and I still got incredibly angry when I thought of those people and how they treated me and knocked my confidence for six. I´ve heard how the lives of my bullies have turned out since then...one of them is dead, one is in a wheelchair, one of them a drug addict and a thief...life hasn´t been kind to most of them. I don´t believe in karma and I´m not making the point that "what comes around, goes around" because that´s a lie.

You have to let yourself forgive these girls because honestly, they´ve no idea how you´re feeling inside and the only person you´re affecting is yourself by carrying around that anger. It will get you nowhere.

Another piece of advice: only surround yourself with people that make you feel good about yourself. You´re old enough now that you get to choose your friends. Cut out the people that belittle you or make snide comments like the one made by that girl (although I don´t think she meant to hurt you, in fact it genuinely sounded like she was trying to compliment you but it was stupidly tactless and pretty clueless all the same). You´re all too old to be carrying on this way and carrying this baggage around with you....you´re NOT that quiet, shy girl at school anymore, you are who you are now. Don´t let your past take away from that, don´t let it control you. Just say to yourself, "No, F*ck this, I´m better than all that!¨when you find yourself feeling sorry for yourself (understandable) with regards to the past, just stop it in its tracks before it spirals.

And remember: some people will always be a-holes but that´s the way of the world. Just be thankful you´re not.

newtoboards

I think you've blown this out of all proportion to be honest. Someone complimented you when they found out who you were and your friend mentioned you were quiet/shy in school and you're looking for a problem with that. You are 10 years out of school and expect people to remember you even though you kept very much to yourself. You need to let it go. Also with regard to the bully, you need to deal with this as it's consuming you. You still feel hurt all these years later so that kinda tells me you haven't really gotten over what happened you. Try to talk to someone about this, perhaps a friend outside that social circle? Also if you think you can talk to your bully and ask her what the problem with you is it might help.
On a side note I'd suggest you do something to improve your self esteem as nobody else can help with that but you. Perhaps take up a hobby/activity that you would like and help widen your social circle in doing so? Finally I'm sorry that a bully has affected your life so badly, they have a way of getting under your skin and seeming to not let it affect them. Bullying is invariably carried out by people who have a difficult home life or they themselves are being bullied by someone else. I don't know if that helps you any but they could have their own demons to fight.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks Eve_Dublin. good pointers.

I think to an extent I have taken this too seriously. i suppose the school days came back to me, and I am understandably upset when i see how much I missed out. that's what it's all about really. but yes, I took some of Sat night a bit too seriously.

I am dealing with my issues thanks, doing a lot better. What's done is done. 90% of the time when I see this old bully I feel a bit of pity for her cos I see her issues now, whereas I didn't see them before. At least I'm dealing with mine, she isn't from what I can see. THis girl has felt threatened and jealous of me since primary school. Somebody else (outside circle) pointed this out to me. I have done nothing wrong.

peasant

So, you've changed since you were a teenager.
You got good looking and a personality on top of it.

Whereas the bully still is the same asshole she always was.


What exactly is your problem again?


Superiority ...you gots to feel it

Emme

OP, like you I was bullied at school wasn't one of the hot people.I was shy, fat and ugly and it was a mixed school and the boys used to call me ugly and make vomiting sounds whenever I passed by. I think this contributed to me developing an eating disorder in my teens but I managed to grow out of it. When I left school I made a new circle of friends and was pleasantly surprised at how nice people could be.

I got a great sense of satisfaction at our 10 year school reunion when people didn't know me (apparently because I looked so good ). Some of the people who were hot at school had disintegrated beyond recognition, with beer bellies, grey hair and wrinkles at 28! :eek:

Do you really need to be hanging out with people you were at school with 10 years ago? Does this person's opinion matter? You've moved on, she hasn't.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Do you really need to be hanging out with people you were at school with 10 years ago? Does this person's opinion matter? You've moved on, she hasn't.

I think that's the point, the OP obviously hasn't if this is upsetting her.

Was never really bullied in school but did go through a year of really bad bullying by the "in" group outside school hours when I was between the tender age of 13 and 14. My solution was to realise they were complete dicks and stop hanging around with them.

Thing is out of that group I am now best mates with two of the worst offenders, in fact was best man at one of their weddings. Initially when they started hanging around in my new group of mates around 10 years later I was really wary and didn't want to associate with them.

It was only when we sat down and talked about it I realised they honestly didn't remember the extent of the bullying, and some of it was fairly vicious. The parts they did remember they were embarrassed about and said that yeah they weren't particularly nice at the time.

Finally came to the very obvious realisation that we were kids at the time. Kids can be nasty little f*ckers when in a group, peer pressure, obsession with being cool etc etc.

But kids grow up, change and move on.

The OP has grown up, she has obviously changed, is no longer shy, has a circle of friends. Maybe it's time she also moved on and stopped obsessing over something that happened many years back. Everyone else involved seems to have already done that.