A friend in need - advice

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Just looking for some advice. A friend called me over the weekend - her fiance sat her down, told her he no longer loved her, has had doubts about their relationship for some time now (although to her and everyone they were like the perfect couple). He doesn't see a future with her at all. To say she is devastated is an understatement. This has come completely out of the blue.

They have been together 7 years, bought a house together 3 years ago and got engaged last year. Their wedding was planned for next year and hotel, church, dresses etc had all been booked.

I guess I am looking for some advice on how to help her get through this. He has already told all his friends and family and is adament there is no turning back. She is just....broken and I hate to see her like this. It seems nothing I say or do is making her feel better.

Anyone been through anything similar or have any advice for me!?

Thanks so much.

Denimgirl

it's a tough one to call when someone rips your heart out like that!i don't think anything can make the feeling go away!just be there for her and be a shoulder try keep her busy.very sad,seems like everybody is breaking up this year I've heard so many couples breaking up since the start of the year.

newtoboards

To be honest they're both lucky it has ended now as booking's can be cancelled. If one person feels like that it doesn't make sense to hold onto the relationship then that's the voice that must be heard. I almost got engaged to someone before because I didn't want to disappoint him and I had to slap myself back awake to remind myself i'd only be leading him up the garden path.
All I can say is be there for her and ensure you don't go down the bitching about the fiance road as you don't know what the future holds for them and they do have a past together that was mostly good and shouldn't be forgotten. Support her with cancelling whatever bookings have been made and see if deposits can be retrieved. Get hotel and dress cancelled asap but only if she's ready to face it and if someone else hasn't been asked to handle such arrangements.

LegacyUser

newtoboards wrote: »

To be honest they're both lucky it has ended now as booking's can be cancelled.

In the past year I know people who got married. In all cases one of the people involved is not in love with the other person.
1. Turned 37 and wanted a baby before it was too late, so married one man, while she is still in love with her ex who dumped her not too long ago.
2. One lad is just a child and cheats on his wife every chance he gets.
3. One couple haven't had sex in 5 years yet they still got married.

Her heart is broken, but it's for the best, she'll realise that when she meets someone new.

When people break up, one of the hardest parts is. Thinking you'll never find some who will love you and know you as well as your ex. But she will and it will be great and happy forever.

Faith

Just be there for her as much as you can. Let her know you're available morning, noon and night, and make it clear that you won't get sick of her talking about him. Just be her shoulder to cry on.

Miss Fluff

Just be there for her. She will probably want to talk about it a lot so you need to lend that sympathetic ear. Try and make sure to engage her in some fun activities, suggest you both go and get the hair and nails done or a weekend away if she is up to it. It will be a long hard road for her to get back to feeling strong again but with the support and love of good friends and family she will be fine. Poor lamb. Like another poster said, better she finds out now. There are a lot of people existing in shambolic relationships, better she find out now then spend four years waiting for a divorce.

m@cc@

Today, tomorrow and next week won't make any sense. Just tell her to concentrate on getting through the next couple of weeks as best she can. It's cliched but time is a healer.

SheRa

On the practical side, you might want to offer to cancel the wedding plans for her. I know from previous experience how painful it is to cancel your own wedding (even though in my case it was my decision).

Help her to move (even if she is tied to the mortgage, she may wish to move back to her parents etc).

With regard to getting over the horrendous feeling of shock and a lost future with the man that she loves, try and get her to focus on getting through one day at a time, and not to look at the big picture just yet it'll be too raw and painful. Let her know that you are there for her. I very recently broke up with my OH and I have been absolutely blown away by the kindness, love and practical help that my friends have shown me. It does help..

Faith

SheRa wrote: »

With regard to getting over the horrendous feeling of shock and a lost future with the man that she loves, try and get her to focus on getting through one day at a time, and not to look at the big picture just yet it'll be too raw and painful.

Yes, this is spot on too. When I broke up with my OH, a few very well-meaning friends kept saying "Now you can do whatever you want with your life! You can move to Hawaii when you're finished college!". I appreciated the sentiment, but at that point, all I wanted was my OH back. I would have sacrificed every dream I've ever had to get him back during the first few weeks. SheRa is dead right, don't try to get her to look at the bigger picture, just take it one day - even one hour - at a time with her.

I'm over 10 weeks into my break up, and I still find it hard to think of the bigger picture. Thoughts of meeting someone else that I'm really interested in are rare, confusing events.

remembering

It happened to me also. wasnt engaged though, was living with someone for over 2.5 years and i started talking about the future one night, before i knew he told me he didnt love me, that was all he said, no explanation nothing, i was so shocked, i went out that night and moved out the next day, saw absolutely NOTHING coming so that in itself was such a shock, its worse for your friend been engaged etc but as someone said here, time is a healer, cliched and all as it sounds. it took me a good year to get over it but im glad now i found out and that i didnt waste another 2 years or more. it must be so hard for her but it does get better, trust me.. just be there for her when she wants to cry and cry. oh its so hard, would really hate to be back there but its a big lesson for everyone thats in a relationship and dont ask enough questions, i have leart me lesson big time!

Bellablue

I'm also in your friend's situation. My husband left me after nearly 12 years together ( married for 4) a few days ago after telling me a week or so ago he didn't love me any more.

I have to say I'm finding the most difficult part of it is coming home every day. He is the one who moved out and I can't stand to be in our house as everywhere I turn is another reminder of the life I've lost.
I'm looking for every excuse to get out and see or talk to friends, but am conscious that I don't want to be a nuisance as they have their own lives and families.

I would say to just be there for her as much as possible and make an effort to call her and try to encourage her to come over or for you to go out and do something together. Even if you don't hear from her, just give her a quick ring to see if shes ok? If she's anything like me, she may hold back on calling on her friends too much for fear of being a burden......

Offering to cancel some of the practical wedding stuff is a good call as well. I am finding the best thing to do is avoid anything that is any sort of a reminder of "what might have been" and I can only imagine how painful the thought of the wedding arrangements are to her at the momemnt.

Sending her hugs and best wishes as I know exactly how she feels