poems. need feedback.

Colm!

I write sometimes. Here are some poems I've written, in order of when I wrote them. You can see that I'm re-using a lot of images throughout the poems, that's pretty much intentional: these poems revolve around the same concept, written at different points.

black lines&the truth

"I'm not sure what the next step to take is"
All that I've ever known is
That I've been going somewhere
That sounds a lot like nowhere

I've been moving for so long
And yet I see myself wasting my time
Sitting down and drawing black lines
Trying to make a map of my life
The black lines lead me down one direction
"Explore" they whisper
"See that nothing is left unknown
Follow us, live in us"

I don't have the courage
I don't have the strength
I don't have the power
I don't have what I wanted
I desired motion
But have no direction
I'm too scared to gaze upon
Sights my eyes have forbidden

these black lines will never lead me there
and white lies will never lead me there
now I long to escape
observe the world beyond black and white

The Inspired

I once tried to act as God
And create for myself
A story, a poem, another world
Another human face,
A reality that differed from mine

As I am man, not divine
My godlike feat was never achieved
All I wrote was a mirror
I only saw myself in the reflection

When I tried to build
Something new
All I saw was plastic, artificial
Unreal, unlikely, fake, forgettable
I constructed a television screen...

I am not The Inspired
I am not the Divine
I am a man without a light
I call out but I am blind

to build a brave new world
I need new eyes
I need someone to show me
another side
I need to be inspired
by someone new.
(maybe that's what we all need)

Revisitation: black lines&white lies

black lines
white lies
blue skies
broken minds
shattered lives
running out of time

Not sure what to believe
Truth's written in languages I can't read
All I ever wanted to was be
Something nobody has ever seen

One of you has stepped out of line
One of you is running out of time.

she said she's falling for me
she said she's falling again
and I don't know the way
I wish I had fallen again
Closed off all I had seen
Left the world in black
and white

Words are empty, words are meaningless
Nothing is true when it's put to the test
All that we are destined to become
Is determined by what we've known
One lie can blacken the blue sky
Leave us broken with shattered states of mind

I saw her crying and I didn't know the way
I saw someone lying and I didn't know the way
I saw this dying and I didn't know the way
I closed my eyes and I didn't know the way
all I know is I will never be the same

apologies&memories
forgive me for all that I've done
we start again
with different names
standing under the blackened sky

"And Every Last One"

sunrise
morning
rising
calling
looking into
sunset, follow through
and watch the day fall from the sky
sunset
sunrise
repeat

Stuck in a circle
Break the cycle
Start something new
Rise with the sun
And refuse to fall
Escape
Escape
escape

this is time
this is life
circles, black lines
we live in circles
cycles, patterns
living unbroken

break the chain
live again

This is every day before
and after
all the same
black and white

Escape From Each
And Every Last One
Of These Cycles
escape escape escape escape

this is a circle
just like each and every last one
of the experiences in life
I have lived in

happiness sadness love pain hope regret sorrow intimacy hope rejection defeat lies victory
repeat
This is the circle
coming around again

sleep\closure

black lines surround me
living in dreams,
floating through streams
I awaken, open my eyes

in the morning,
all will be forgotten
this is my calling,
this is my decision

eyes closed,
black lines surround me
I asked of myself, I hoped
that I would be set free

Rewrite Revisit Recall Remove
Forget all that I have said
Better off in the beginning than the end
Circles coming around again
Maps drawn and new places found
Bring me back that way again

And if all I said will be remembered
Bring me back that way again
And should all I done be told to the world
Bring me back that way again
And if I live life in a circle
Bring me back that way again
And when the worlds I live in collide
Bring me back that way again
Bring me back that way again
Forget all I've done again

No happy endings,
No marches into the sunset
No love, no hate
Just the beginning
Of everything and nothing at the same time
Everything is nothing at the same time

And I'll fall asleep again.
I need to rest.
Wake up a million miles away
At a new beginning, a bright new day
The circle will come around and I will fall
Into the fire, and burn again,
And fall asleep, to deal with pain
And rise again, another day
Two million miles away.

Morning comes and I see the light
I see this clearly as black and white
So let me draw the final line
And finish my cartography.

I can't break this cycle
Going back that way again.
let it go, this too shall pass

Dreams

Live Life Living Like Living Lucidly.
Look into Living Life in Lucidity..
Living Life as Life Looks to be Lived
Lightless Lines Outline Love in Lives Left Liquidated
Leaving Light in Lucidity, Leaving Lines Lacking Life

in the morning, everything will be forgotten
you'll dream of Life and Love
and pray to go Lucid,
construct a world of black and white
draw the Lines.

Live Lucid Lonely Lives, dreams, Leaving Lovers behind
or Live Lives Lacking Loneliness yet not Lacking Love
Lucidity Leads us to Live Lives of Love
yet they're just Lines drawn in our minds,
Lines of Lonely thoughts and lives

it's not real
it's not real
it's not real
it's not real

i created a Lucid dream
i created a perfect world for me
i thought that Love would find me
all i saw were the black Lines, the white Lies...
false awakening?
i never woke up. i slept all this time.

Love. Life. Lines. Lies...
Loveless, Lightless.

you fall asleep
nightmares, silences
find yourself in a circle of violence
surrounded by happiness and sadness
praying for Lucidity, praying for ability
fly away, fly above this madness
oh, we're all dreamers now

Let me dream again.

now i know, now i know, now i know, now i know
wake up. forget. do not recall. dreams were made to be forgotten

Griffun

There is such earnestness in your poems - relentless.
You seek rythm and mood. you succeed.
But i would urge you to experiment with brevity and to step outside of your themes. Try the haiku for a break.
Sorry if I appear opinionated. I'm not an expert.