Girls keep feeling me up - really freaking me out!

Esoteric_

OK so this is a bit strange (for me anyway!). I am 21, pansexual (if you don't know what that is, assume bisexual as I DO like both sexes) and in a long term, committed relationship with a man.

Anyway, I have a lot of friends who are a few years older than me but act more like they're 17 or 18. You know, when we go out to a pub or club and get drunk, they act like complete idiots and make a fool of themselves and me? I think everyone has a few of those friends!

Thing is, they keep introducing me to their other friends, who are predominantly female, between 17-22 and bisexual (I swear, it's a f**king trend among people now!). I don't mind this, as I love meeting new people and frankly, I could do with some more friends. But all their friends seem to have ADD or some other mental disorder. I REALLY don't mean to be mean saying that, I have bi-polar and anxiety myself so I'm not dissing people with mental health conditions! It's just that they seem to use this as an excuse to act like idiots. I know people with ADD can't always help being hyper obviously, but they go above and beyond "normal" ADD behaviour.

The girls are getting ridiculous. I'm introduced to a new girl, and about 80% of the time, despite me mentioning several times that I have a boyfriend, they feel me up (literally grab my breasts with both hands!) or spend all night coming on to me.

Because of personal issues from the past, I find it incredibly hard to tell them to back off. I DO tell them to stop, and I step away or walk outside, but they continue to do it all damn night, even if they're sober! I basically get really embarrassed and keep telling them firmly to give it over, but they seem to think that because I've got a big chest and am bubbly and confident that I'm asking for it!

I don't want to cause huge rows with my friends, so what can I say to make them stop this, as I really freak out when it happens? It brings on flashbacks of something bad that happened in my past and I've even TOLD some of them that they're giving me flashbacks and explained what happened but it hasn't stopped any of them. I want to say something because telling them to stop and backing away isn't working, they just try harder if anything I also don't want to cause a huge fight, so something polite is necessary!

kjl

I have read though your post and I think I get where you are in life at the moment.

Is it possible that this incident from the past may have involved another woman? Sometimes incidents like this can make us think we have these feelings towards the opposite sex, but the fact that you use the word pansexual shows to me that you never wanted to commit to being gay or bisexual.

I think that you might be straight, and the reason you are getting so upset about this is because you no longer wish to associate with these people or this lifestyle anymore. If you are not happy with the company of these girls, then don't associate yourself with them anymore. It's as simple as that.

Cheap Thrills!

You've got to learn how to stand up for yourself and say no. It's not that hard.

It's defintely a trend now when you go out as a girl/woman that other girls hit on your but listen, don't take it too personally. You don't have to be mean just take their hands off you and stick with your boyfriend.

If they're cheeky enough to feel you up then they are thick skinned enough to take a firm but polite rejection. Don't overanalyse it.

I notice that girls do it a lot more and it's embarassing but you dont have to be nasty. Just firm and clear.

Ickle Magoo

Next time someone goes to feel you up, grab their arm and tell them where to shove it, get a bit more aggressive, shout it in their face, call them a few choice names and mean it! If they don't stop then leave the venue, don't just subject yourself to a night of trying to fend off drunken idiots. If things don't change then I think you need to find yourself some new friends, it's hard enough having a fun night out without being cornered by a drunken moron at some stage without that moron supposedly being your pal.

Best of luck, OP.

Esoteric_

kjl wrote: »

I have read though your post and I think I get where you are in life at the moment.

Is it possible that this incident from the past may have involved another woman? Sometimes incidents like this can make us think we have these feelings towards the opposite sex, but the fact that you use the word pansexual shows to me that you never wanted to commit to being gay or bisexual.

I think that you might be straight, and the reason you are getting so upset about this is because you no longer wish to associate with these people or this lifestyle anymore. If you are not happy with the company of these girls, then don't associate yourself with them anymore. It's as simple as that.

Um, not to be rude but telling me I might be straight is quite odd. I've known my sexuality since I was about 11, and the reason I'm not happy with being felt up by other women is because I'm IN A RELATIONSHIP and it's considered to be SEXUAL ASSAULT if somebody you don't know randomly grabs your breasts. And no, my past traumatic incident did NOT involve women.

Also, what the hell does pansexuality have to do with not committing to being gay or bisexual? That's like saying bisexual people are just greedy!

Really, I'm glad you posted, but please don't offer such frankly out-dated and narrow minded views to me please. I know my sexuality and I clearly stated I'm unhappy with being felt up because I have a BOYFRIEND.

Stu

So, no matter what you say to these girls, they just won't back off. I find that hard to believe. If you tell somebody firmly not to put their hands on you, the vast majority of people will get the message and back off but yet you are constantly having random people groping you and they just won't stop no matter what you say. Sorry, but i just can't see it myself.

Nevyn

It does my head in tbh, so what if I am bi and they know it that doesn't give tehm the right to grope me or be all over me or try and kiss me and then say it's doesn't mean anything cos they are female. Does my head in that sort of attension whore behaviour.
You are going to have to stand up to them, I have found pouring a glass of ice water over one of them does it.

kjl

LyndaMcL wrote: »

Um, not to be rude but telling me I might be straight is quite odd. I've known my sexuality since I was about 11, and the reason I'm not happy with being felt up by other women is because I'm IN A RELATIONSHIP and it's considered to be SEXUAL ASSAULT if somebody you don't know randomly grabs your breasts. And no, my past traumatic incident did NOT involve women.

Also, what the hell does pansexuality have to do with not committing to being gay or bisexual? That's like saying bisexual people are just greedy!

Really, I'm glad you posted, but please don't offer such frankly out-dated and narrow minded views to me please. I know my sexuality and I clearly stated I'm unhappy with being felt up because I have a BOYFRIEND.

Well no offence OP, but anyone who calls themself pansexual is either not fully committed or looking for attention. Which is it OP?

I don't think my advice was narrow minded, did I offend gay people in any way? I simply said that perhaps you are not whatever you say you are. I know a girl who came out and told everyone she was bisexual, then later realised that she was not, so it does happen.

I still think that you are saying this whole pansexual thing as a cry for attention, which makes me wonder if you really are.

Nevyn

kjl if someone id themselves as pansexual then that is thier choice and thier right and you do not have the right to take them to task over it or cross examin them.
It is not helpful and off topic, do it again and you will be banned from this forum.

the_syco

kjl wrote: »

I don't think my advice was narrow minded, did I offend gay people in any way? I simply said that perhaps you are not whatever you say you are. I know a girl who came out and told everyone she was bisexual, then later realised that she was not, so it does happen.

How about you google what pansexual means, as you do come across as narrow minded.

/edit
Only saw mod warning after I posted.

Cheap Thrills!

I would treat a girl touching you up in an unwanted way the same as you would a man. At first be firm and assertive, remove their hands and tell them directly to stop.

As you said though that didn't seem to be working so if they are pushy then be more stern and if necessary ask your boyfriend or another trusted person to back you up so they get the message loud and clear. You should also mention to your mutual friends that you are not a sexual curiousity to be manhandled or womanhandled by them. Be serious and consistant.

If it still keeps happening I would think about distancing yourself from these friends. They should be backing you up not allowing you to be mauled in this way. You are a person with rights. You don't have to put up with this from women any more than you do with men.

prinz

Here's what you do..... LEAVE. Someone doing something that makes you uncomfortable leave. Walk out. Go home. Tell your frieds. Tell a bouncer. Dump your friends. There is no excuse for acting like an ass, there's also no excuse to endure it at length. You can take charge here.

P.S. if you want people to accept your sexuality at face value perhaps you should give others the same benefit.

Esoteric_

Thanks for the responses everyone, really appreciate them!

So I guess I'm just gonna have to man up a bit and learn to throw a drink over them :P I just really don't like causing drama or hurting people. I guess what I think is me being firm may not be firm in their eyes. I'll have to try harder I guess!

KJL - as somebody said, google what pansexual means. Bisexual = likes the MALE and FEMALE sex. Pansexual = likes people REGARDLESS of gender, IE also likes transgendered, hermaphrodites, etc. I am in no way looking for attention or confused about my sexuality, I just know what it is and embrace it, thanks.

Stu, like I said, I do tell them to back off but when you're shy and quite frankly meek, it's not a given that they'll listen to that, especially when you have a large chest and it's known that you're "bisexual" (that's what my friends assume I am, I don't really discuss my sexuality with them, they just know I like men and women). If you'd like me to prove it, feel free to drop into Fibbers one night and look for yourself. You'd probably be felt up too, the place is crawling with people like that!

the_syco

LyndaMcL wrote: »

If you'd like me to prove it, feel free to drop into Fibbers one night and look for yourself. You'd probably be felt up too, the place is crawling with people like that!

Jebus. I goto the wrong section in Fibbers :P :pac: I'm assuming you're talking about downstairs? Don't go down there much myself: usually stay upstairs and/or in the smoking area, and don't see much of this crap.

On a more serious note, I think you should flaunt the boyfriend around Fibbers for one of the nights. As for the b|tches who like to jiggle your bits, I'm thinking your "friends" may be encouraging them, and thus it may be an idea to make new friends? That, or push them away the jigglers, with force.

That, or leave the friends goto the usual Fibbers (top of O'Connell Street), and you goto the other Fibbers (along the quays, opposite the Civic Offices, where "Out on the Liffey" used to be). There's a thread here about the new one, so maybe a change in scenery may do you some good?

Stu

I know Fibbers well and its always been a normal enough place as far as clientele is concerned. What kind of people do you hang around with? Seriously, if you are getting groped fairly regularly then you are mixing with some seriously rude people with no tact.

The fact that you say that you are a meek shy person makes it even less plausible that you are being regularly groped by other women. It doesn't make sense. I'm out clubbing/pubbing most weekends with all age ranges from 22 to 45 and i've never seen or heard of a female friend getting groped by other women once, let alone regularly.

If you are regularly getting touched up by friends of friends or randomers and are not getting any backup from friends then you might ask yourself if they really are genuine friends. Your story is a tad strange or else there is a new breed of young person out there that i haven't had the misfortune to encounter.

LegacyUser

Your 22 year-old friends hang around with 17-year old bisexuals? Am I the only one who thinks there's something a little untoward about that? If I was a 22 year old gay man and a 17 year-old boy groped me, I could probably wind up in prison.

Think you need a new scene OP.