Husband left. Is this it?

Bellablue

My husband of almost 4 years (together for 12) left the other night. A couple of weeks ago he told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. The reasons for this mostly stemmed from my dependence on him and lack of an independent life of my own. (Even though I knew this was not right, I just couldn't ever put my finger on why it was a problem for me) He told me he'd been building up to this for a long time but could never say it to me.

Since we've been married we haven't had the best luck with illness, bereavements, family problems, financial difficulties, job problems and other issues. I feel like our marriage never got a fair shot. These problems have also led me to struggle with depression and anxiety issues over the last few years. To me it seemed that lately he might also have been suffering from depression but I am not sure if this has been all caused by me and my issues or if our external problems were partly to blame.

Lately (ironically) I have been feeling in a better place, and was confident that things were about to look up (!) Although he agreed to "give things a fair try" he just seemed completely emotionally closed off to me and things ended with him saying he didn't love me, didn't see how that could change and that he could not stay. He also said he felt he wanted to be single, didn't feel like he could handle being responsible for anyone in a relationship , wanted to see if he'd miss me and could maybe in time work on things?

I completely understand his feelings and agreed with all he said. But I feel that if he gave us a chance, we could rebuild the relationship from new foundations. I just can't believe that he would throw away 12 years so suddenly and completely. However, I believe his comments about wanting to see if he'd miss me and possibly giving things another try in time are simply his attempt to soften the blow (Despite the fact I had made it very clear to him that he was to lay everything on the table now, as I had been hurt badly in the past by an ex who couldn't bring himself to finally end it)

I am absolutely devastated. I am left here in the house that we built together, surrounded by his possessions and memories of our marriage. We have had no contact in the few days since he left, except for a very brief text exchange in which he said that we would talk.... but not when. I've initiated no contact with him at all, despite the fact that it's killing me that my partner of so long seems able to just end things so abruptly...I am really trying to steel myself to accept the end of our marriage but just don't know what to do....

fungun

hmm, I have very little wisdom to offer on this im afraid.

one thing you say though about him 'building up' to this...this may explain why he brought this up whilst you felt you were quite happy.

If he wants to see how much he misses you, really it sounds like there is not much you can do right now. However one thing I would say - if he sees someone moping at home, he isnt likely to miss that person too much. If he sees someone happy in themselves with a verve for life (and to be completely honest - options) - well he is likely to miss that person a bit more. So although i dont know your circumstances (any kids? Im guessing not from your post...do you live in a town/city?) all Id offer is to try to keep perked up so that if he enquires about you from someone else he hears about a woman who is happy and going forward.

Lousy situation though *hug*

smileyscientist

Bellablue wrote: »

My husband of almost 4 years (together for 12) left the other night. A couple of weeks ago he told me he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore. The reasons for this mostly stemmed from my dependence on him and lack of an independent life of my own. (Even though I knew this was not right, I just couldn't ever put my finger on why it was a problem for me) He told me he'd been building up to this for a long time but could never say it to me.

Since we've been married we haven't had the best luck with illness, bereavements, family problems, financial difficulties, job problems and other issues. I feel like our marriage never got a fair shot. These problems have also led me to struggle with depression and anxiety issues over the last few years. To me it seemed that lately he might also have been suffering from depression but I am not sure if this has been all caused by me and my issues or if our external problems were partly to blame.

Lately (ironically) I have been feeling in a better place, and was confident that things were about to look up (!) Although he agreed to "give things a fair try" he just seemed completely emotionally closed off to me and things ended with him saying he didn't love me, didn't see how that could change and that he could not stay. He also said he felt he wanted to be single, didn't feel like he could handle being responsible for anyone in a relationship , wanted to see if he'd miss me and could maybe in time work on things?

I completely understand his feelings and agreed with all he said. But I feel that if he gave us a chance, we could rebuild the relationship from new foundations. I just can't believe that he would throw away 12 years so suddenly and completely. However, I believe his comments about wanting to see if he'd miss me and possibly giving things another try in time are simply his attempt to soften the blow (Despite the fact I had made it very clear to him that he was to lay everything on the table now, as I had been hurt badly in the past by an ex who couldn't bring himself to finally end it)

I am absolutely devastated. I am left here in the house that we built together, surrounded by his possessions and memories of our marriage. We have had no contact in the few days since he left, except for a very brief text exchange in which he said that we would talk.... but not when. I've initiated no contact with him at all, despite the fact that it's killing me that my partner of so long seems able to just end things so abruptly...I am really trying to steel myself to accept the end of our marriage but just don't know what to do....

Its hard to even begin to imagine what you are going through riight now OP. I imagine you are still in shock about the whole thing and rightly so,a lthough I must say your post seems incredibly strong and matter of fact. I know if that were me, I hardly be able to compose the message.

My heart goes out to you, it really does. Its hard to believe that something can just be over like that after 12 years.

The feeling I get from your posr is that you seem to blame yourself for the problems that arose in the relationship i.e. the lack of independance etc?? but from reading your post and garneing from the facts you have presented there it seems that he and only he is to blame from the downfall of the relationship, the line in which you say he couldnt be responsible for anyone else in the relationship shocked me tbh. Who the hell wants to be a RESPONSIBILTY in a marraige- a marraige is a patnership of equals. He has no problem making you feel like a burden or that you alone are putting the strain on the marraige, yet every attempt you have made to try and talk to him and sort it out has been met with silence. It is HIM that is to blame for this not you OP.

He may be telling the truth when he says he needs time to think and to see if he misses you and to wait it out is the only way of knowiing if hes simply 'softening the blow' or is serious about giving it another try. From reading the above OP, I have to say that I you have more to gain than lose by cutting loose. It sounds like you have put up with more than your fair share with this man. I recommend you do as he is doing and take time out to really evaluate if you want to re- enter into this relationship. You are right to cut contact, he will contact when h is ready and it is up to you what way you want to proceed. But TBH, the moment he said 'I don't love you' I'd be walking out the door. You deserve so much more than this in life.

You have tried and tried to save, and perhaps it still can, but you have to start thinking of yorself now and what is the best thing for you at this time, not anyone else. I really would advise you to go and have a chat about this to someone, if not a counsellor than a friend or relative. I have just gotten out of a messy breakup and my friends were a god send, not even to give advice, just to lend an ear.

I know its hard to hear right now, but perhaps you will look back on this in a few years time and thank him and yourself for giving yourself the opportunity to break free and going on to be happy and content with someone who loves you for you.

BTW are there kids involved?

jessiejam

I feel for you op.
Its awful when you think something is going right then suddenly your OH drops a bombshell. From what I can gather from your post, he sounds bored. Things like that happen after 12 years together, but its a joint effort to get the spark back, not a one sided thing.

Stop blaming yourself for this, you may not like this but he sounds like a right selfish b*stard. Probably thinks the grass is greener somewhere else and wants a bit of fun, so leaves you to stew in it while he goes off to enjoy the "single life", knowing you will be there when he clicks his fingers and he's finished his fun.

In a marraige in my opinion there are 3 lives to live. His life, her life and their life. I would think he still loves you but he can't give any other reason to leave. There probably isn't one. After all your the one supporting him!.

God give me strength, I've no patience with people who leave their partner, breaking their hearts, just to see "if I miss you". Either end it or don't. Its not right leaving someone hanging on while you go make your mind up, making sure you don't cut all your ties so you have someone 'safe' to fall back on if you don't enjoy it like you thought you would. IMO thats what he's doing.

I'm guessing when he gets bored of the single life and realises its not that much fun going to bed on your own every night cooking meals for one, he will be back with his tail between his legs. Cause he realises he does love you after all... tah dah.

Until he gets bored again and the cycle repeats itself. Doing nothing for you and your self esteem.
Go out there girl build a life for yourself meet new people and maybe you will realise in the end theres more to life and you don't need him after all.
Best of luck

LegacyUser

Just wanted to wish you every strength and happiness, and to say just take it one day at a time. I was in same position as you a year ago. Don't blame yourself and don't excuse him either.... Time will explain things and make things clearer and you stronger and the crippling pain I'm sure you are feeling will eventually pass.
Take care of yourself, and a big virtual hug from me and all the rest of us who've been where you are.

Bellablue

Well, since the last time I posted things are finally final (if that makes sense). He contacted me yesterday saying he wanted to talk so we met up last night.

He told me it is over and his feelings won't change. I'm not sure why but I think I had accepted this at the very beginning of all this and so was well prepared for what he had to say.

He says he does not want to be married, just wants to be on his own and no longer wants what we planned together - (kids, new house etc). After an emotional couple of hours he left, and I felt strangely relieved.

I expected to be a mess....but I'm not. Someone said to me "you know, you can do whatever you want to do now" and suddenly it began to sink in that I actually could! Perhaps the shock is just delayed and it will hit me all at once in a while but today I feel calmer and happier than I have done in weeks.

While I do largely blame myself for the downfall of the relationship I see that he was partly at fault also. I really wish he'd told me how he felt sooner because I feel angry and sad at all this wasted time.

Thanks to everyone for lending an ear and giving advice....it's really helpful to hear from someone impartial.

So I am looking forward now and not back. Trying to work out the logistics and the way to deal with the difficult months ahead but still feeling a little bit of hope that maybe things will work out ok.....?

Bella

fungun

Best of luck with it, glad to hear you are so positive!

LegacyUser

Wow!!!
Well done Bella, you sound like a very stong woman, and hopefully things will stay amicable between ye! That releif is probably a very good indicator of where you truly are.....probably without even realising. Your positive and forward thinking attitude will bring you through everything thats ahead....
I would reiterate this though, please stop blaming yourself for how things turned out, and your anger is a very natural healthy and necessary emotion needed to also get you through all of this.
Wish you all the best, you deserve it hun!!! never forget that, concentrate on you , be very selfish for yourself for as long as you need to....You sound like a natural giver rather than a taker but now is the time to take a little for yourself.
Take care
S

Bellablue

holdyourheadhigh wrote: »

Wow!!!
Well done Bella, you sound like a very stong woman, and hopefully things will stay amicable between ye! That releif is probably a very good indicator of where you truly are.....probably without even realising. Your positive and forward thinking attitude will bring you through everything thats ahead....
S

Oh I definitely think things will stay amicable.....he called over the other night and we had a long talk in which I said that although I previously had asked him to be sure he didn't want to give things another try, now I had decided that things should end here as I realised that his heart was not in it - he was simply trying to let me down gently. I also told him that I could not be with anyone who did not genuinely want to be with me. We talked, discussed how we would go about sorting out practical issues and even laughed a little. He said he was "proud" that I was being so strong about things.

Today is the first day that I have not had to go to work since he left. I have the next couple of days off and am struggling to know what to do with them. He phoned this morning to talk about something to do with the house and unfortunately it was just after I'd received a text from his sister saying that she wanted to talk to me as she was sad how things had turned out. Consequently I wasn't in the best state when I got his phone call, and ended up being more upset talking to him than I'd meant to. I had made up my mind to always stay upbeat when we talk now but then at the same time I also feel that maybe I'm not wrong to let him know how I feel about what has happened?

Still trying to be positive and move forward but practical circumstances are making it difficult. I'm feeling heart-wrenchingly lonely - not just for my husband but just in general as I don't have a lot of friends or family around. Rattling around the empty house is really a killer.......:(

What I really need is some sort of plan to get me through the immediate future.....

Thanks again for all suggestions & help
Bella
x

dellas1979

Ah am sorry to hear your situation...

Give it a little time, and then think about future/what you want to do etc.

There are going to be days when nothing makes sense and you are over whelmed by anger or sadness or loneliness or all 3, but remember to allow yourself to feel these emotions and that its ok to feel like this.

Are you close to your family? Do you have friends you can turn to?

Bellablue

dellas1979 wrote: »

Are you close to your family? Do you have friends you can turn to?

This is what's making it all so difficult. The only family I have here is my mother - who has not really been able to cope since my dad passed away a couple of years ago. This is one of the problems I mentioned in my earlier posts. She is so upset by what has happened but isn't in a place where she can offer me any kind of support.

I don't have many friends....I am trying to talk to a couple of them and they do their best but understandably they have their own families and commitments.

What I am trying to sort out in my head is am I lonely for my husband to come back as I think its a mistake for us to make a definite and final split so suddenly or am I just lonely full stop and need to work on fixing that and moving on?

LegacyUser

I think you are right, things will stay amicable between ye.....And that's fantastic.
Like you I also found telling or discussing things with family and friends very upsetting, even though 99% of the time I'd be so together, one sad word or look would unravel me entirely.... I think for me that was prob the hardest part.

When a marriage ends a lot more than 1 heart breaks and the realisation of this is so hard, you can't protect everyone else and take care of yourself at the same time....Now you need to look after you! Remember you can't be strong for everyone else, you are only human and are allowed to grieve and show emotion even at the most inpromptu times, it's part of the road to recovery, you're allowed hun, it's expected!!

Control for me and damage limitation for all concerned was my priority, (am a bit of a tough exterior/mother/ control freak, which I have recently discovered)
For me any emotional cracking was like admitting failure again and again, sorry for going on about me but I just want to reassure you that all this lonliness and the emotional rollercoaster means you are 1 step closer to the end of the tunnel... 1 step closer to getting back to a happy you.... Every day no matter how hard, no matter what the setback is, it's all part of the recovery.

A plan for the short term immediate future is vital!!!! You are on the ball.
Visit every old friend relative you can...Go to gigs, comedy clubs, gym, movies....Get some fun into your life....I hate exercise but getting fit really helped me gain some sense of control in my life at the start, and it boosted my self confidence...All gone to pot now and have to seriously reign in my socialising/waistline...

I would recommend seeing a therapist counsellor for somewhere private to find perspective and even to vent, I still hate the idea of it myself but had a couple of instances where the emotional manifested into the physical and it scared the hell out of me and rather than go to a gp for a fix I found speaking with my "marriage guidance counsellor" (from accord-excellent) once or twice a Godsend.(Am atheist by the way)

You are a very strong woman, and even though it sounds like you still love your husband stop trying to shield him from reality, by all means preserve your dignity hun but he also needs to see the consequences of his choices....

You are definately a survivor and from previous postings have survived other very tough situations and you'll more than survive this one... There is a better match out there for you, an equal....

Best of luck love and health for your future......
S

seenitall

It is OK to feel lonely. It is OK to miss your husband. It is OK to feel upset when seeing or talking to your husband. It is OK to grieve over the end of your marriage. It is OK to feel like you are feeling now, confused about what you feel. THIS IS ALL GOOD AND HEALTHY AND HOW IT SHOULD BE (unfortunately ).

It is only early days into your separation, OP, for goodness' sake give yourself a fair chance of getting to grips with this hugely traumatic experience, go easy, easy, very easy on yourself. You do not have to figure out what you feel and what you should be doing, and it is not the time to be resolving to fix your loneliness and to be moving on. No. You will move on when you are ready to do so, and when that happens you will not be having to ask yourself those questions.

Grieving over the good that we had and that is now gone is a VERY important process of human experience, as it is absolutely necessary in order to be able to heal and continue with our lives, so please don't try to push it away or skip it by "moving on". Now is the time to cry for the 12 years of having a life partner and losing that relationship. Feel the loneliness, cry your eyes out and then ring a friend and cry some more. Or let her talk about herself for a bit then. Or have a nice meal. Or go and browse the shop windows, look at some books or some clothes. Or go visit your mother and give her some attention. And then go home and cry some more while watching TV, or while browsing your choices of joining a new club or starting a new activity on the internet. Crying is like a gift in stressful and traumatic times. It does serve a purpose physiologically, so I hope you will be able to cry a lot!

Every day of loss and grief and confusion is one day closer to the new, single, happy you. Every. Single. Day.

The best of luck with the old endings and the new beginnings!

pilph

I think what Belablue is experiencing is just like what most of us go through when we go thorugh a split. There are always emotions going on like do you miss the person you split from or is it just the loneliness of being on your own.

In my experience and I know it is a cliche, but time is the only healer. Time helps you sort things out, as the days go on your emotions change. There is no specific time frame for this, everyone is different, but Bellablue what I'd urge you to do is reflect upon what you have to offer someone and remain positive about yourself. Maybe write down how you feel starting today and keep notes about it. In a month or maybe 2 months, look back on this and see if you feel the same, or have things improved.

A split like this is tough, but that's what we're here for, to help each other :-)

SheRa

My heart goes out to you OP. I think that you are being very strong. While its great that things with himself are amicable after the split, trust me, the sooner the you can stop contact the better for your sanity and to deal with trying to move on. Also you mentioned that your sister wants to or has talked to you about how sad she is. I just think that is so selfish on her part. You've enough to be dealing with without her saying that.