Suicidal boyfriend, bad relationship, need advice

tuff cookie

Hi there, I am absolutley up the walls tonight. I feel like I am stuck and have no way out of my situation. I was hoping that maybe somebody could give me their advice as I cant talk to anybody about this.

I am with my so called fiancee 4 years now, we rushed into our relationship getting engaged after a couple of months and bought a house within the year. A lot of things have happened since, him losing his job, his brother to suicide. Our relationship was ok up to six months ago, we dont have sex anymore,talk anymore. He is depressed and taking drugs ( a complete seperate issue). I have brought him to the doctor and and he confessed to being suicidal himself. I just feel so stuck! I do love him but I just cant talk to him anymore. I feel like we have nothing in common anymore apart from our pets. He prefers to drink with scumbags these days and take drugs and lie and doesnt care about the consequences. Ive tried telling him to leave, and then that was when the whole suicidal feelings was revealed on his part, hence doctors visit as i mentioned.

I know Ive got to take a stand at some point but he is just in a really vunerable place right now. And even if I did...Id still be in a horrible situation, like what would happen to our house. Im paying for the mortgage right now, he is barely holding down a job which we are paying back loans and trying to live off his weekly wage. I just feel so alone and I know Ive made such bad decisions. I just dont know what to do! I have tried ringing the samaritans but they dont give advice and I dont really have that many close friends that I could talk to..
I just feel so sad and lost, i want our relationship to work but he is just in self destruct mode and there is nothing i can do to stop him.
I wouldnt normally do something like this its my first time posting...so im putting it out there.
Thanks for reading this..if you have any advice i would be so grateful..

oldwan

i really feel you should get some professional advice about this, its a terribly hard situation to be in and im sure a lot of people would tell you walk away and explain to him why but i do feel you could benefit from independent advice.
ask you GP for referral to a counsillor or maybe someone related to drug counsilling.
you probably should just walk and look after yourself but obviously you dont want to just lave him, look for a professional, that will help you both. my uneducated advice!

Esoteric_

I hope I don't sound harsh here, but you're complaining a lot about his issues (which is understandable, I've been in a long term relationship with an alcoholic suicidal man in the past, I understand being annoyed over it all), but you don't mention having done much to try to help, apart from drag him to the doctor. Have you sat your boyfriend down and talked to him, begged him to tell you what's wrong, and told him how you feel APART from the frustration, annoyance and anger? He's not going to respond well to annoyance, anger, criticism or anything like that with the frame of mind he's in now, you need to talk about how sad and hurt you are because of his actions, while stressing that you think he needs help.

Aside from that, have you considered visiting Narcotics Anon, just to talk? They're very accepting of people stuck in relationships like yours, with people who seem dependent on drugs.

Ultimately, you have to decide if your relationship is worth one more chance but ONLY give it one more chance and kick him out for GOOD if he doesn't change. I understand that he's vulnerable (so was my ex when I ended things with him), but it sounds like he's using you, drugs and other things as crutches, instead of actually dealing with what's wrong with him. Before your relationship can become healthy again, he needs to accept that his brother died, grieve for him, look for work and accept and seek help for his personal problems because blocking them out with drink and drugs will just ultimately kill him.

LegacyUser

I'm sick and tired of seeing people being told 12step groups are the solutions to all.

No, they are not. Work great for some. Fab. But for too many others they are far from a solution. For many, the dogmatic and spiritual approach alienates and desolates.

OP, I really feel for you this is heavy stuff for you to deal with.
Suicide of a brother is just huge, and it is obvious that your partner is not a person who can talk about his feelings type of person. Even if he is emotionally communicative at times, the suicide of someone in the family can be such a lifechanging decimation to someone.
Nonetheless, there are a number of organisations out there who deal with the pain of the bereavement of suicide. Console is one and www.1life.ie there are also low cost counsellors in the Dublin area and nationwide who can help you access the help you need and give you confidential support.

This is enormous for you deal with and for him, the drug taking and the company he is keeping is most likely a result of the profound grief.

It is true that there is only so much you can take, and it sounds like both of you need professional help. Easy to say, but much harder to access in life.

tuff cookie

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to reply to me, just getting a reply made me feel less isolated about it so thanks.
Lynda, I have sat down with him and talked to him about it all and he has extremely low self esteem issues along with his grieving. My heart goes out to him and I wish I could fix it but he is unwillling to take the next step to get help, he is just interested in blocking it out with drugs and alcohol. The truth is... I think I am enabling him to keep repeating the same behaviours by being too soft and forgiving like I have in the past.I think the next step is to go to his family again, maybe they can get through to him.

I will look into all of your suggestions and thanks so much again, it really means a lot.

Esoteric_

tuff cookie wrote: »

I really appreciate you guys taking the time to reply to me, just getting a reply made me feel less isolated about it so thanks.
Lynda, I have sat down with him and talked to him about it all and he has extremely low self esteem issues along with his grieving. My heart goes out to him and I wish I could fix it but he is unwillling to take the next step to get help, he is just interested in blocking it out with drugs and alcohol. The truth is... I think I am enabling him to keep repeating the same behaviours by being too soft and forgiving like I have in the past.I think the next step is to go to his family again, maybe they can get through to him.

I will look into all of your suggestions and thanks so much again, it really means a lot.

I have to agree with you that if you're forgiving him and being "soft" on him then it is definitely enabling him to continue what he's doing. If you want to stick with this and make it work then going to his family is the best idea, especially if he won't listen to reason when you talk to him. Maybe his parents talking to him might make him cop on to what he's doing to himself and to you. If it doesn't, you need to think about how many chances you're going to give because if he continues his behaviour, knowing it hurts you, he's basically tossing your feelings aside. Obviously if he gets help, he may slip back at times, but if he's not even trying, then he's not considering you at all and that's really not right in any relationship.