Do you ever downplay your sexuality?

LegacyUser

I find myself doing it more and more. I stay away from low cut tops because I don't want to show any cleavage, or I avert my eyes away from random guys. I hate talking to guys in bars because I don't want them to think I'm interested in them and I'm finding it harder to be friends with men.

It's awful. It's so unfair too because obviously not all men are interested in me (cocky much?! :rolleyes: I'm not I promise) but I have had some bad experiences that make me err on the side of caution.

What about the rest of you? I wish there was a way for me to embrace myself and not give a damn about it but it makes me feel very vulnerable! I'm normally quite confident but I am finding myself getting more and more timid and it sucks.

Pembily

What do you mean by

gettingtimid wrote: »

but I have had some bad experiences that make me err on the side of caution.

What happens when you talk to men / wear low cut tops??

LegacyUser

Well I've had a few bad experiences like I'm sure many women have. For example, when speaking with a man at a bar even after mentioning my bf in passing (so i wouldn't be presumptuous, just to give him a heads up) the guy didn't take the hint and got very suggestive and pushy which made me very uncomfortable. And as for the low cut top thing, I have had comments made to me by random men which are not welcome. I have heard so many opinions where guys say if a girl doesn't want a guy to look at her cleavage then she shouldn't wear a low cut top, so I don't. But I want to be able to without feeling uncomfortable.

I also have had instances where guys who were supposed to be friends got very agressive when they had the 'talk' with me and I told them i was only interested in being friends. I've examined my own behaviour and although I was sure that I wasn't 'leading anyone on' as I would be conscious of hurting someone's feelings, I am now finding myself becoming very introverted to try and avoid these situations.

But I also have this niggling feeling like I shouldn't have to, and that there should be a happy medium. As I said before, I'm ok looking, not model gorgeous or anything, but I'm just finding myself trying to avoid looking s*xy or anything because I don't want any unwanted attention.

I am losing myself a small bit I feel - when I was younger I was more confident and i didn't care, infact i welcomed men's attention. Now I do anything to avoid it. Does anyone else feel like this? I just feel like sometimes I'm getting more and more nervous/shy around men because I don't want them to get the wrong idea (that i'm interested) because I just hate hate hate having to deter the more agressive ones.

fungun

hmmm, sounds odd to me alright. Unless you are stunningly gorgeous which you might be if you are underplaying things. Not wishing to be critical but do you think you are being flirty in any way?

The other thing is that the guy/girl friend thing is rare and do remember this. Most guys would shag their female friends given the chance.

If I review my gfs in the past:
Most have been able to wear low cut tops.
Most have had decent male friends.
Most have not been able to have really close male friends or the friends would end up falling in love with them or sth.
Most would have had to deal with any men they talk to in bars assuming they were interested, so tended to avoid talking to any men in all bars

So if I was to advise:

1. 'random' men in bars....they are likely to be interested in you so having to 'avert your eyes' suggests you tend towards either catching mens eyes or chatting with them.....its not surprising these men come on to you. Unless you actually want to talk to random guys then just not talking to them would be the most obvious solution
2. Friends: male friends are good. Really close male friends are likely to fall in love (generalisation accepted). Advice would be to draw appropriate boundaries. You *can* have male friends but only you know what those relns are like. Anything that involves touching (e.g. dancing) or talking abour problems (esp reln ones) are likely to make male friends feel you are very comfortable with them and make them interested in more.

So to summarise - Id say continue to go out and be sexy if thats what you like....but when you do, try to watch your behaviour to avoid giving out signals you may not mean as a come-on, but an interested male may see as a come-on.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks Fungun, I should probably look at my own behaviour again. I try so hard to not be flirty but maybe unbeknownst to myself I'm putting out these 'available' signals.

Does anyone else feel like this? I just hate the fact that I'm losing my confidence - I used to be the life and soul of the party but lately I find myself trying to make myself invisible. It's like i see men as this kind of threat and I try my best to shy away from unwanted advances, because if they do try anything I feel like a tease/sl*t and sort of ashamed that I was the reason they acted so pushy, because I 'asked' for it i suppose?

And I have a bf who i haven't spoken to about this because with him i'm my old self - he's great and i feel safe and protected and loved when i'm with him, he'd never hurt me. This is actually reminding me of the old PI thread 'I am starting to hate men' because it's slightly how I feel, more than I am afraid of their advances, but I don't want to feel like this.

Cianos

OP, it's completely normal for guys to want to try their luck at a girl they think is hot. Most of the time they will probably come across as bumbling drunken fools making a show out of themselves, but that's just the way of the game. Put it down to nerves and probably too much booze. But don't let it bother you, it's just a sign that you're approachable and attractive which are obviously good things.

You are looking for some kind of idealised social life if you want to dress as attractively as possible and yet not get any attention. Don't you think that's a tad contradictory? Do you expect men to behave like robots and should act precisely the way you want them to? It sounds like you do.

I'm not saying to cover up, girls should be able to dress whichever way you want. But in order to do so you should also have the confidence and ability to deal with the reactions that it causes. If you don't, then by all means cover up if you think it makes your life easier.

fungun

One other comment - the title of the thread...do you ever downplay your sexuality.

Not sure if this is just the phraseology but if not it may be a clue. If you wear low cut tops to be 'attractive' thats fine and you deal with the typical chancers who will try it on. If you wear low cut tops to be 'sexual' then you really cant complain if more men are attracted to you because of that.

May be off the radar here but if I imagine exes asking this they would phrase it as "do you dress up less" or "Do you wear revealing clothes less" or sth like that. I dont think they would consider dressing more modestly as "downplaying their sexuality".
Do you find dressing up makes you more sexual/feel more sexy? By low cut tops do you mean actually very sexy clothes?

Probably worth thinking about - either way though, you should not feel guilty if a man comes on to you, just watch out for it and try to politely refuse/make it obvious you are not interested as early as possible when you see these signs

LegacyUser

gettingtimid wrote: »

I also have had instances where guys who were supposed to be friends got very agressive when they had the 'talk' with me and I told them i was only interested in being friends. I've examined my own behaviour and although I was sure that I wasn't 'leading anyone on' as I would be conscious of hurting someone's feelings, I am now finding myself becoming very introverted to try and avoid these situations.


I am losing myself a small bit I feel - when I was younger I was more confident and i didn't care, infact i welcomed men's attention. Now I do anything to avoid it. Does anyone else feel like this? I just feel like sometimes I'm getting more and more nervous/shy around men because I don't want them to get the wrong idea (that i'm interested) because I just hate hate hate having to deter the more agressive ones.

It sucks that your male 'friends' got aggressive when they had the talk with you. It's a disgusting way to treat a girl full stop. Avoid these male 'friends' altogether. Don't arrange to meet up with them, don't text them back if they text you etc. Getting aggressive is just not on.
In future, be very, very careful of men you might want to become friends with. Watch how they act....if they treat every other woman the same way as they treat you (ie in a respectful way), then you know he's a man who has respect for women and will take a knock back with grace if he does decide to have the 'talk' with you. Be extremely wary of men who are overly nice to you, while dismissing others, these are the type of men who would be most likely to become aggressive if you turn them down after the 'talk'. It takes a while to single out the aggressive types, but you'll get the hang of it.

As for your self confidence, I think that how you judge people's character has taken a knock. It happens to us all. Most people believe they're good judges of character, but sometimes that belief takes a severe knock. And it takes a while to start trusting your own judgement again. It's all just a part of life though. You'll find your feet again, it'll just take a little time to find them!

LegacyUser

Unfortunately A LOT of men have the entitlement-driven attitude that they have a right to impose their company on women they see out socialising, and yes, belligerent aggression is disturbingly common. Not all men behave like this thank God, but unfortunately it is so commonplace that my advice to you OP and to women generally would be to do what I do: Wear whatever the hell you like and when you come up against this attitude just tell the aggressor to fcukoff.