Unloveable

LegacyUser

im a female in my mid twenties with no relationship history, just a few flings and a couple of one night stands.I fear that i am unloveable.

I hate my appearance and personality so much that i dont see how anyone could ever fall for me or love me. The lack of attention i get from men only serves to prove this to myself. Im so lonely and am afraid of never experiencing romantic love. Im not a bad person and I always try to do my best by others.
I put on a happy front with my friends and family but the way i feel about myself is killing me on the inside. I know i have issues with body image, trust in men and intimacy that I am working on with the help of a counsellor but I really fear that I am just using these issues as excuses as to why I can't find love, as a way to distract myself from the real truth in that I am just unloveable.

LegacyUser

I feel the same way OP. I put on a front to people but deep down I feel like Im inherently unloveable. I have no redeeming qualities and people just dont seem to warm to me at all. They're polite and I think people respect me but Im definitely not loved. And I know you'll get the usual responses telling you that you have to love yourself before anybody else can. And Im not saying this isnt true, in fact Id say its 100% true. But the problem is, how does somebody love themselves? Easy to say not so easy to do.
The prospect of never experiencing romantic love doesnt scare me so much, if it doesnt happen it doesnt happen. Thats an external thing and Im not so sure having others love you will hit the spot. Id be happy with just being able to love myself. If you can do that youre sorted I think.

ravima

there's someone for everyone.

don't get overanxious or you might become depressed and bad and all as things are now, they will be a hundred thousand times worse then.

there is no magic formula to get someone to fall in love with you, despite the fairy tales we heard in our childhood.

it might sound weird and stupid, but try a different social outlet. Instead of pubs, try joining a hill walking group, scout/guide group, local Macra na Feirme, toastmasters etc, get involved in your local church group/choir. If you are already trying in these groups, then try the pubs in the nearest big town or city - the local village pub probably isn't the place to meet someone.

Who is your employer - is there a social club or local institute that you could go along to? Do you live at home - could a move out even for the summer help to change your life? there's accomodation available at reasonable rents in the student halls of residence for the summer months.

try to avoid the one night stands - respect yourself; look in the mirror in the morning after you shower and say - I'm beautiful, I'm me and I'm happy.

Good luck

Denimgirl

unloveable wrote: »

im a female in my mid twenties with no relationship history, just a few flings and a couple of one night stands.I fear that i am unloveable.

I hate my appearance and personality so much that i dont see how anyone could ever fall for me or love me. The lack of attention i get from men only serves to prove this to myself. Im so lonely and am afraid of never experiencing romantic love. Im not a bad person and I always try to do my best by others.
I put on a happy front with my friends and family but the way i feel about myself is killing me on the inside. I know i have issues with body image, trust in men and intimacy that I am working on with the help of a counsellor but I really fear that I am just using these issues as excuses as to why I can't find love, as a way to distract myself from the real truth in that I am just unloveable.

You must love yourself first for anybody else to love you.the most important person in your life is you! nobody has a perfect face or body but we all make the most of what we got!your giving off these vibes to men when your out i mean if you don't think your good enough why would anybody else.you need to go to a self esteem course and build up yourself no more one night stands as i sounds like your doing them for the wrong reasons!don;t let people use you!your far too good for that! just concentrate on you,yu want to change your body image to can do that!theres nothing thats impossible.xxx

TheEternal

I'm a 20 year old male and have fallen down a deep pit of depression for the same reasons. Your not the only one who thinks like that. You'd be surprised how many people I've come across lately who feel the same way. How do you love yourself? I really have no idea but if you find a way let me know because at the moment I can't think of a single thing I like about myself

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I think lack of confidence and low self-esteem make people far less attractive than their outer appearance ever could. Perhaps make a pact with yourself that for a year you will avoid anything approaching a relationship or one-night-stand and spend the time with your counsellor working on your self-image and getting yourself in a better place before worrying about anything romantic? Your mental health and confidence in yourself is the most important thing, I think you should be concentrating on that at the moment and puting everything else on hold.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I used to be in the same boat.
What I found was, and I'm not saying this is an instant solution for you or anything, but it worked wonders for me, was I just did things to feel good about myself and challenge myself.

What I became involved in was sport.
Before I started, I swear, I was THE most un-athletic person you can imagine.
When I was in school we had a fitness/bleep test one day.
Everyone was grouped together at, I think it was between 8-15. I came in at 5.

I just found training hard and working up a good sweat and then having a shower and some good food after, I'd just feel like a new man every time.
I just loved it and continue to love it every day.
Not to mention it's a great way to meet new people and so on.
The sport I took up was kickboxing.

Of course my confidence went way up. I began to feel so much better in myself, noticed I began to carry myself better and people definitely began to treat me with more respect and when you feel good, people seem to gravitate toward you more, cause I think that good feeling is infectious.

I hope that helps a little. Best of luck.

Odaise Gaelach

OP, I think everyone's been there at some point in their lives! I certainly have!

The previous posters have given you some great advice. All I can offer is that it sounds to me that you're waiting for love to find you. That you're not getting much attention from men.

If you see a guy that you like, make the first move. We like to feel that we're attractive too. And I like women who show initiative!

Frogdog

Odaise Gaelach wrote: »

OP, I think everyone's been there at some point in their lives! I certainly have!

The previous posters have given you some great advice. All I can offer is that it sounds to me that you're waiting for love to find you. That you're not getting much attention from men.

If you see a guy that you like, make the first move. We like to feel that we're attractive too. And I like women who show initiative!

A HUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEE +1 for the above advice from Odaise Gaelach, OP.

This is the way I look at it. We now live in a more equal society than the one our parents and grandparents grew up in, ie. women can now keep their job after getting married, women are in high positions of power etc. Feminism is a big thing. Women are now "independent" and can live a Sex and the City lifestyle. Gone are the days when men did all the courting etc. Women now approach men. And why not!?! Get yourself out there and do something for yourself. Like another previous poster mentioned, they took up a sport. This has two knock-on effects. The first being meeting new people, and the second is a healthier/fitter you (which makes you more attractive). Socialise more, take more pride in your appearance, try and make yourself more attractive, do things or go places you normally wouldn't go!

The days of sitting around waiting for Prince Charming are long gone m'dear.

LegacyUser

its encouraging to see so many people here offering up their own feelings and advice on how i feel! i have tried so hard to put this issue to the back of my mind, tried doing all sorts of activities to take my mind of things and to boost my confidence but i always end up giving in to the feeling that the boosts of confidence i get is just part of the great big facade I put on. I never feel like it is real confidence. I have a lot of interests and can talk about these things to people. I can happily talk away to anyone but i feel like a fraud most of the time. I just feel like im putting on a great big show for everyone and if i were to stop the show, everyone would realise that im really not worth the time or energy that they have spent on me.

I do try and get out there to meet men. Im a huge flirt and enjoy mens company but after endless rejections (im not desperately trying it on with every guy i meet!) I just dont see the point in it anymore. I do make the best of myself-hair, make up, clothes etc and im not a complete try hard, but ive become so disheartened by rejection, by seemingly being invisible to men that i just dont want to bother anymore. I dont think anyone has ever looked at me and thought i was attractive, even the guys i have hooked up with.

i just feel like my unattractiveness is inherent and that there is little hope of me ever falling in love with someone where the feeling is mutual, which makes me feel a little bit dead inside to be honest. I know i probably sound defeatist and ungrateful for all the suggestions, thats not it at all, its just im at my wits end of feeling like this but dont know how to change the way i feel.

Ickle Magoo

Stop trying so hard would be my advice. Everyone faces mass rejection or we'd all be dating all of the time, there would be no single people - and that clearly ain't the case!

The issue really is down to your low self-esteem how much you take the normal knocks and rejections in life so much to heart - that's why avoiding getting into a position where you have to deal with a romantic rejection is a good idea until you are feeling less vulnerable.

Stop puting on the show and deal with your issues and you'll be much happier in the long run - and that inner happiness will attract, I guarantee it.

Best of luck.

Gillo

The other posters are right OP, at the end of the day if you believe you're unloveable that's how you'll act. I used to find I'd compare myself to other friends who'd found the love off their live, settle down and live happily ever after; all it did was make me concentrate on the bad things going on in my own live compared to how great everyone elses lives where.

Putting it to the back of your mind won't solve anything, as the others said learn to love yourself, think about the good qualities you have (and we all have some), guarranteed ask some close friends they'll be able to tell you how great you really are.

"I can happily talk away to anyone but i feel like a fraud most of the time"
Why feel like a fraud for talking? chat away to someone that you like and interests you and just let the conversation flow, there's nothing wrong in that. Chances are most of the people don't think you're a fraud, so why should you?

As for the endless rejections? yes they can hurt, especially if you really like the person, but OP they are as natural as the sun rising in the morning, everyone has being rejected a fair few times, don't let it get you down I'm sure you've rejected guys too for something as simple as they just weren't your type, maybe thats why some guys reject you. You've said yourself you have hooked up with guys so it's not all being rejections. From my own experience, looking back I always concentrated on "the one's that got away" instead of the ones I did get with, I found changing it around and remembering the great dates I did have or nights I spent withvarious women (not saying I just sleep around) even if they didn't end up going anywhere, it gave a whole new prespective past experience and a much more positive outlook for the future. Yeah I've had more rejections the whatever you'd call the opposite, but hey so has everyone else.

Hope that wasn't too waffley and made a bit of sense.

LegacyUser

hey op, the truth is you need to go after lads on your level. by that i mean, if your not very attractive you need to go for lads who aren't brad pitt. thats the way the world works.....of course there is the odd deviation but usually people end up with partners who are of similar attractiveness. u shouldn't judge your self esteem by how attractive you are....i mean if your ugly, it's no big deal....most lads who go after hot girls couldn't give a fock about their personality......if those same girls were ugly, they wouldn't go after them at all .....its not like they really like the person they are....its literally skin deep! i wouldn't take it too personally. of course you'll get people on here giving you the usual hollywood sh*te about how u need to be yourself but at the end of the day if you looked like cheryl cole you'd be fighting the lads off....even if you were the biggest d*ck ever.

Gillo

Ok, I can kinda see where you are coming from, but do you honeslty think that that is going to help the OP.

LegacyUser

Hey op, I have gone through a similar problem myself recently, and the depression that I have really didn't help and I was really in a bad place as you seem to be.

However I do agree with the above posts get out meet people, keep busy and I guarantee things will change and life will seem better..

Denimgirl

ksdfbks wrote: »

hey op, the truth is you need to go after lads on your level. by that i mean, if your not very attractive you need to go for lads who aren't brad pitt. thats the way the world works.....of course there is the odd deviation but usually people end up with partners who are of similar attractiveness. u shouldn't judge your self esteem by how attractive you are....i mean if your ugly, it's no big deal....most lads who go after hot girls couldn't give a fock about their personality......if those same girls were ugly, they wouldn't go after them at all .....its not like they really like the person they are....its literally skin deep! i wouldn't take it too personally. of course you'll get people on here giving you the usual hollywood sh*te about how u need to be yourself but at the end of the day if you looked like cheryl cole you'd be fighting the lads off....even if you were the biggest d*ck ever.

I would'nt agree at all with anything you say,first of all I don;t think theres such thing as "ugly" beautiful to one person would'nt be to another!beauty is in the eye of the beholder!Just coz you "beautiful" does'nt mean you have it all or hang on to a man Cheryl Cole is single!! her husband slept with numerous woman during their time together her being beatiful did'nt stop that!I don't think the OP should be approaching guys it sounds like she is quite vunerable at the moment and low in confidence I think she should work on herself and learn to love her self and love being her before she starts dating.I know a girl she is quite "plain" looking not a size 10 but she has confidence to bottle and sell! she makes the most of herself and she has men flocking at her when we're out, she has a way about her,and I admire that about her she's a great girl, she's happy in her own skin and it shows which is very attractive to blokes.

fungun

Agree with denimgirl

A woman who is happy in themselves and is vibrant is attractive no matter what the **** she looks like. Using blunt speak, Id still go out with some of the so-called ugliest girls i know because they are fun and happy and would be just really good fun to go out with. But humans are very perceptive even if they dont realise it....men pick up on women who really want a partner, who arent so happy etc etc and these are all signals which warn guys off!!!!

so although its probably the hardest advice, the advice remains....try not to try so hard, try not to worry about it and try to focus on yourself. And when you are happy with yourself I can almost guarantee some men will become interested.

Odaise Gaelach

I think fungun is right unloveable: you're trying a bit too hard.

I hate "fast-food" psychoanalysis, but... I think the whole ritual of your getting dolled up - hair, make up, clothes etc - is you mentally preparing yourself to go out and meet guys. You're trying to make yourself look your "best".

And then if you don't meet someone you feel like it's all been for nothing and that you at your "best" isn't worth it. And you also feel like a fraud, because the people you meet are seeing you at your "best" and not as how you are normally.

So maybe you shouldn't try so hard. Try meeting people in a club or group that you're interested in. Get to know them, and let them get to know you as you are. That way (I find) is better than meeting someone when you're going out, since anyone you hook up barely knows you and you barely know them.


This is all coming from someone with a degree in Computer Science, mind. So I might be well off the mark with all that...

LegacyUser

again appreciate the replies, especially from denimgirl, gillo, fungun and odaise gaelach.

I see where you guys are coming from about the not trying so hard and working on my own self esteem first. I can rationalise in my head everything that you're saying but i suppose i am finding it hard to trust that working on my own confidence and self esteem will be worth the effort in the long run and ultimately not just a huge waste of time in that I might invest so much effort, time and money into my counselling sessions and realising in the long run that im still not really a person whom anybody would want to be involved with me for more than a night or so.

I know i can make friends easily, and i have many good male and female friends, but i really have never experienced anyone ever fancying me or anything other than platonic affection. the one night stands are rare drunken affairs and the flings i had in the past left me feeling used and worse about myself.

I was never this down about the whole issue before. Yes i am always the single one in the group, had the least interest from men but I was never that bothered about it. I used to be so laid back when it came to the dating game, i figured that eventually i would meet someone who shared the same feelings for me as i would for them. I have lots of male friends, have met plenty of friends of friends and people in college, activities and work etc but i am just completely invisible to every male it seems.Im not trying to make every guy i know fancy me, nor do i expect them to find me attractive. And while my most of my female friends and acquaintances are single, they are never short of interest from guys.

I just think that the glaring common denominator in all of this is me and that i am just an ugly, unattractive, asexual freak of nature.

I know im rambling here, i am finding it hard to put words to how i feel and make sense of it. Its really been getting me down lately to the point where i am withdrawing from everything and everyone, which i know will make me feel even worse in the long run.

Denimgirl

unloveable wrote: »

again appreciate the replies, especially from denimgirl, gillo, fungun and odaise gaelach.

I see where you guys are coming from about the not trying so hard and working on my own self esteem first. I can rationalise in my head everything that you're saying but i suppose i am finding it hard to trust that working on my own confidence and self esteem will be worth the effort in the long run and ultimately not just a huge waste of time in that I might invest so much effort, time and money into my counselling sessions and realising in the long run that im still not really a person whom anybody would want to be involved with me for more than a night or so.

I know i can make friends easily, and i have many good male and female friends, but i really have never experienced anyone ever fancying me or anything other than platonic affection. the one night stands are rare drunken affairs and the flings i had in the past left me feeling used and worse about myself.

I was never this down about the whole issue before. Yes i am always the single one in the group, had the least interest from men but I was never that bothered about it. I used to be so laid back when it came to the dating game, i figured that eventually i would meet someone who shared the same feelings for me as i would for them. I have lots of male friends, have met plenty of friends of friends and people in college, activities and work etc but i am just completely invisible to every male it seems.Im not trying to make every guy i know fancy me, nor do i expect them to find me attractive. And while my most of my female friends and acquaintances are single, they are never short of interest from guys.

I bet your single mates are happy in their own skin so they don't give "that vibe" off.

Go out with your mates dres sexy for you!! don;t go out with a notion to meet a guy just think I'm gonna go out have a few drinks and a dance and enjoy my evening.You must change your mind set!your way of thinking! life is not all about bagging a man and if i don't i'm worthless Jese I would miserable all the time if i thought like that coming home with my mates on a Saturday night!talk about put pressure on yourself! jese!! You have to create a NEW YOU!A positive thinking sexy young woman who enjoys life to the full!
xxx


I just think that the glaring common denominator in all of this is me and that i am just an ugly, unattractive, asexual freak of nature.