10+ dates in and still only at first base....

LegacyUser

Yeah, as the title says...I'm not really sure what's going on here

actually just typing the title of the thread and I realise how unusual it seems...or is it?

basically met a girl a few months ago - through the net as it happens - we're both around 30. She's a really nice girl and we've done lots of stuff together but she just seems to avoid much physical contact - any kissing is generally done just when we meet or say goodbye - no hand holding at this point - most meet ups have involved where one of us was driving etc or working the next day and that may have been a factor

I have on one occasion brought her back to my place (her place is not an option as she lives with some much older familyrelatives at the moment) and we lay in my bed, with clothes on I should add and basically kissed and I didn't really try to push things along - then after an hour or so, and me probably dozing off, she got up and went home (probably didn't want her relatives to think she was out all night etc etc) giving her apologies but she had to go

I know I'm going to have to have the awkward conversation - I don't even know how to word it!
-I've had a couple of serious relationships - some with very tactile and affectionate girls - now I'm not crazy into public displays of affection either but when I'm basically getting the opposite I don't really know what to think...And I know she's keen on me ....
bizarrely enough I did go out with a girl from the same general part of Ireland as her when I was in my mid 20's and she was a virgin at the time BUT our relationship was still pretty physical - but I did end it because I didn't love her and we never slept together

so I'm thinking my current (not quite) girlfriend
a)may well be a virgin - which is not a problem for me - but basically zero physical contact..wtf?
b)maybe has never been in a relationship
c)has some other underlying problem with getting physical maybe due to past issues

has anyone else experienced anything like this before? I mean we do french kiss or whatever but she basically doesn't initiate anything

sorry for the babble..am just trying to sort this out in my head

Auldloon

Yes I have encountered something similar, I legged it and never looked back.

Ickle Magoo

Just be honest and ask why she doesn't initiate contact or want to move past kissing. It could be she doesn't have much experience, she could just want to move very, very slowly or you may have differing opinions on what constitutes a pre-marital relationship. If it's starting to bother you then just say it's bothering you...what do you have to loose?

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

It could be one of two things. She might've been sexually assaulted and can't bring herself to do anything intimate with you because she likes you and doing anything intimate will remind her of the attack.
Or she might've slept with men who didn't bother talking to her once they got what they wanted.
Only way to find out is to broach the subject carefully (esp. if she had been assaulted). Outline what you said here, say that the two of you seem to get on well, but you've noticed that there's not a lot of physical contact. Ask her if it's anything you've done (not that you have!, it just might help her to open up to you if you let her know you're not assuming anything is wrong with her).
It could be that she's always been like this and could never get physically close to anyone, and all she needs is someone to talk to about it. Who knows, you might be the first person she talks to about it all, just listen to what she has to say and let her know that you'll be there for her (if that's what you want)

mood

Try holding her hand, kissing etc more and see what happens. With more affecting things should move on. Maybe she is leaving it up to you to make the moves. If she pulls away or something something is wrong and you need a chat.

LegacyUser

OP again, thanks for the replies

yeah, I think pretty much all the possibilities in my head have been covered by the replies

am gonna have to go with a combination of the suggestions, namely taking the initiative myself (with handholding etc) and slowly in other areas and just gonna have to have the awkward conversation and ask her what the story is.... (might be best to ease into that one by asking about any previous relationships - amazingly we haven't actually chatted about that at all yet)

she might just never have ended up having any previous relationships or else the other possibilities that people have mentioned

she is a pretty and confident girl so that makes it all a bit surprising to me but we'll see what happens...
unfortunately she's away for the weekend so will be a while before I know any more..will let ye know what happens if I can

Miss Fluff

wtfisgoingon wrote: »

I have on one occasion brought her back to my place (her place is not an option as she lives with some much older familyrelatives at the moment) and we lay in my bed, with clothes on I should add and basically kissed and I didn't really try to push things along - then after an hour or so, and me probably dozing off, she got up and went home (probably didn't want her relatives to think she was out all night etc etc) giving her apologies but she had to go

Hello Pot, is that you?
Why it is indeed Kettle, you're looking like a chimney sweep today, your face is all black......
How very mean of you Pot, are you calling me, Kettle, black?????

OP seriously, what do you expect? She might not have the imagination or confidence to instigate anytihing. And the one time you do bring her back you kiss her, don't touch her, and then rudely fall asleep????No wonder she left. I can bet she is having a conversation with her mates as to why you're not interested in her physically. Unless she has explicitly said that she does not want to do anything more than kiss then I suggest you make your move very very soon indeed.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Hello Pot, is that you?
Why it is indeed Kettle, you're looking like a chimney sweep today, your face is all black......
How very mean of you Pot, are you calling me, Kettle, black?????

OP seriously, what do you expect? She might not have the imagination or confidence to instigate anytihing. And the one time you do bring her back you kiss her, don't touch her, and then rudely fall asleep????No wonder she left. I can bet she is having a conversation with her mates as to why you're not interested in her physically. Unless she has explicitly said that she does not want to do anything more than kiss then I suggest you make your move very very soon indeed.

OP again

I see where you're coming from Miss Fluff but believe me, things are different with this girl - I'm no Casanova but I've kissed more girls than I can remember (over the past 15 or more years I think that's fair enough) - I have experience of bringing girls back - none have ever left in the middle of the night! and yeah I maybe dozed off but it was 5am! And I didn't just lie there, I was feeling her stomach etc trying to get physical but in a not very aggressive way- it just wasn't reciprocated -

krudler

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Hello Pot, is that you?
Why it is indeed Kettle, you're looking like a chimney sweep today, your face is all black......
How very mean of you Pot, are you calling me, Kettle, black?????

OP seriously, what do you expect? She might not have the imagination or confidence to instigate anytihing. And the one time you do bring her back you kiss her, don't touch her, and then rudely fall asleep????No wonder she left. I can bet she is having a conversation with her mates as to why you're not interested in her physically. Unless she has explicitly said that she does not want to do anything more than kiss then I suggest you make your move very very soon indeed.

Ah here, it doesnt take a genius to figure out someones intentions when you're lying on their bed kissing,even if it doesnt lead to sex then some making out/touching could happen. , but if someone isnt into it you can tell, why would he keep pushing to get nothing back? you'd say something if the girl was in her teens, but this is a near 30 year old woman.

OP just say it to her, maybe there is some underlying issue thats preventing her from going further or shes just got her guard up for whatever reason, but if you're not happy and you're doing what you think is ok from past experience then you need to raise it with her. I couldnt be with someone that cold or unnafectionate, I like being shown affection by my gf.

LighterGuy

I would try to get to the reason of why she doesnt want to take it further than kissing op.
Yes it could be she doesnt have much experience, she had a few guys using her etc - these are the things you would understand and they wouldnt be an issue

On the flip side, it can also mean she isnt over someone or might not be that into you. Which also happens alot. So you have to get to the bottom of this.


If I was in this situation with a near 30 year old woman and after ten dates I too would be questioning whats going on here. I'd have a talk with her then see whats what. If she doesnt give a fair enough reason as to why more hasnt happened. You have to assume its bad. You have to assume this aint going to go anywhere. My money would then be on shes not that interested.

LegacyUser

OP again

no, I do know that she is into me, constantly in touch, inviting me to things with her etc etc

there must be something else going on, maybe just lack of experience, maybe something else...we'll see what happens

LegacyUser

if she said she wants to keep the sex after marriage, is it ok for you?