Alcoholic - Danger to themselves and I dont know what to do

LegacyUser

My mam is a chronic alcoholic. Over the years we have tried everything to help her, she has been in treatment centres, voluntarily and against her will, hosipital too many times to remember with injuries sustained through drink and she's never stopped. I understand now that I cant make her stop, she has to decide that herself and Iv started to accept that im powerless to control her emotions & actions I can only control my own.

the point of this msg is that in recent months shes stopped being a functioning alcoholic. She no longer has any control over drinknking, doesnt bother to hide it and i think dementia is starting to effect her too. Today my brother came home and found a car stopped outside our house where mam was lying stretched out drunk on the road, having fallen and not able to get up again while trying to get a lift to the town. The car had just missed hitting her.
He brought her in and put her to bed which she keeps trying to get up from to go to the town even though she can barely stand up from drink.

Im at work now and I dont know what to do. He said there was no point going home, I couldnt do anything. I dont know what to do when i Go home.

What can we do for/with her? We have spent the last 10years and my dad 20before that banging our heads of a brick wall trying to get help for her in the system. It always came back to the fact that she had to do it for herslf which i understand but now its gone past that point, shes dying on her feet, doesnt eat is survin on whiskey, her health is totally packing in. Shes in her 60s and looks like shes in her 80s.

She nearly got killed today and i dont know how many times iv walked in home with a burner burnt black on the oven and the house filled with smoke. Ive read threads here before and i know alot of you out there are dealing with stuations like this. What to you do when it gets this bad.

Her doctor is useless, we've tried talking to him numerous times, she has him wrapped around her finger and hes the only doctor in the town left that she will go to, she left the others when they tried to help her and got tough with her.

We cant bring her to casulty, shes just drunk at the miute, do we just wait till she hurts herself? and then they medical doctors treat her and dont want to admit her against her will, so we persuade them like the hundred times before to please admit her and she sees a pyshi doctor who admits her to detoxunit, shes get detoxed, refuses to enter longer treatment and is realised and the cycle starts agian.

We had her commited before and when she was in the unit two days they persuaded her to sign herself in voluntarily and then she signed herself out.
She refuses to talk to or see any counsellor.

We have been down every avenue that I know possible to help. Please can somebody tell me what they think we should do if youve been in this situation. My brother has moved home recantly after being away and he cant handle her at all. He is completely stressed and living on his nerves around her. Im looking after myself, seeing a counsellor etc and trying my best to help my bro aswell. What I need here practical advise, is there anything that i can do for mammy or do i just have to sat by and wait for her to smother herself, get knocked down by a car, burn the house down or something? Im sorry if this post is too long and all over the place. I would really appreciate any advice or practical help you have. Thanks

username123

Hi Op.
My father was as bad (or worse!) than your mother.

I went to Alanon to try to get my head together. I came round to the way you are, knowing there was nothing I could to do to control the drinking etc...

I couldnt seem to get my head around how to deal with the madness and dangerous activity though. There was one occasion where he collapsed on the street, was admitted to hospital, walked out of the hospital in his PJs, got a taxi home, persuaded a window cleaner that he was locked out of his house and could he borrow a ladder, somehow climbed up the ladder (after begging 2 different neighbours to who wouldnt), and smashed an upstairs window, cut himself getting in, and all to get to a bottle of vodka that was in his bedroom.

How do you deal with something like that? My answer was I detached. Not with love, I was too angry. I moved out and stopped going to the house. I left him to it. There was no other way. He never recovered and died a few years later in an accident - probably caused by drinking.

There comes a point when you actually have to put the person out of your life to survive yourself - at least thats how it was for me. I was so overcome by stress, worry and a sense of responsibility ALL the time. I was barely functioning myself with the stress and worry.

It actually enables the alcoholic to clean up the mess, or prevent the crisis. Im not saying to leave someone in the middle of the road, but Id only get them off the road, I wouldnt go putting them in bed etc...

Its very very hard. I was consumed by guilt and had a variety of family members trying to pull me back on board when I walked away from it. They just didnt want to deal with it and wanted me to cos I always had. But I couldnt anymore. I went into a kind of grief then, and Alanon really helped. When my father did die all I felt was relief, I had already grieved. I never regretted my decision.

If you cant get away from the situation for practical or emotional reasons then I can only suggest just getting on with your own life and leaving the alcoholic to it. And go to Alanon - it helps so much with the head wrecking feelings.

Taltos

You've said it yourself - you have tried everything.

Having gone thru something similar I would strongly suggest - walking away.
Your mum - the one who loved you as a kid, who would do anything for you is dead - all that is there now is a sick diseased shell of a person.
She doesn't want your help and nothing you can do can change that.

Would suggest 2 things.
1. Final family intervention - all family sit her down - spell it out and say goodbye - you know the ultimatum - the one that you will all stick to no matter what happens.

2. Just cut your ties now. Grieve over you loss and try to rebuild you life starting right now.

In the meantime reach out to the support groups for yourself.

I know this might appear harsh. Our family chose number 1 above. Somehow we got through and 9yrs later she is still sober. But - I am not kidding - the first time she goes off the wagon - the first time I learn that she is using again - that is it - my mum really will be dead for me. We all made this crystal to her, but in her case I think it was the threat of being sectioned that freaked her out the most. Like you we too had strangers picking her up off the road. Never again mate.