Annoying friend - what to do?

Sin1981

Hi,
I have been friends with a girl all the time I lived in Scotland (4 years). She was probably my best friend in Scotland while I was there. She is quite a fun person and I can always have a good laugh with her, she v chilled out etc. However, towards the end of my time over there, I was going through a rough patch, busy with my uni course etc. Just a lot of stress in general. I would sometimes mention my little issues to her, and 9 times out of 10 she'd listen for literally a minute, make a general comment like "oh you'll be fine" then bring the topic of conversation back to her, and her life (sometimes trivial or sometimes not) issues etc. a good example of this, was one night I had a panic attack, it was really scary. She phoned me the next day for a chat, and I mentioned the panic attack. I no sooner had the words out of my mouth when she made no response to my panic attack, merely started speaking about something in her life. I actually can't even remember what it was she started talking about; all I remember was that it was really really trivial, eg. her dog. Anyway, I have always been a bit passive so I let it go.
I moved home, and since then we'd email fairly regularly, most days at work back and forth. We prob email a bit too much to be honest, as in I doss too much sending her and others emails. So I’m home now ~2 years. I think since I've been home I hung around with my old friends who I find a lot more interested in me and my life, and we have a balance friendship. I have visited this friend 2/3 times in that period, and she came here twice. The last time I went over was in March of this year, and to be honest I didn't really enjoy myself all that much. For the minute I got in her car, she pretty much monologued the hours drive to her place. The 3 days I was there she spent a lot of time talking about herself. Eg. I started a story about family stuff on one of the evenings, it was a long story, and I could see her zoning out a lot of the time. It's like she only pauses to wait until she can start talking again. We were out walking her dog also, and again, constant blabbering on about her, her life, her dog etc. Again, on the way to the airport to drop me off she monologued the whole way. I said goodbye at the airport car park and said thanks, and as soon as I walked away to go into the building I felt a relief, and I felt at loss, I also felt no desire whatsoever to go back over again. Since then, I was pulled back from the emailing, etc I simply can't be bothered. I now feel like a sap and a fool cos all these years I have acted as a sound board. Not happy about it.
She wants me over for her 30th in Sept. I'm am adamant that I'm not going, although I haven't said no to her yet. I'll come up with an excuse.
I think her constant self-absorption is ridiculous, and I have lossed all my patience with it. I remember a few months back being on the phone. From the word go she monologued about herself. I looked at the counter on the phone at one point curious to know how long she had been speaking about her stuff, and it was at 42 minutes.
Is there anything I should do, or should I just try to keep contact at a minimum? I hate confrontation, and I'm reluctant to broach the subject, as I think she might change for a day or so, then go back to her own ways. I think she's probably been like this all her life. It really is a one way system and I'm tired of it. I have no interested in spending prolonged periods with her again. I don’t think it’s nice to completely lose friends, but with her, I think cutting down on contact is the best way. Only I think she’d start to notice something is up, in fact I already feel like she's thinks something is up (my lack of emailing, I haven't invited her over etc).... I sometimes think she is a little possessive cos she expects me to make regular enough visits to her, like maybe twice a year, and her visit me twice a year. It all adds up though, and I have other friends abroad who I like to visit and have them stay. My annual leave quota/bank balance isn’t infinite.
Sorry for such a long post!!! Any advice appreciated! :-)

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

Why don't you just tell her how you feel? I don't understand how you can even class it as a friendship if you can't speak to her about something as basic as your feeling taken for granted or ignored?

If you really hate confrontation and don't want to speak face to face or on the phone about it, why not write her a letter or e-mail and say pretty much what you said above and see what she has to say for herself? Perhaps she doesn't realise she's so self absorbed or she thinks you like hearing about her since you haven't indicated otherwise? Either way, her response to your e-mail or letter will probably give you your next step.

I think it's a bit unfair to have said nothing, not mentioned what you like or don't like her doing and then punish her for not knowing she's annoying you. If you really think the friendship has just run it's course & don't want to try to address the issues just phase out contact, say you have no money to visit and you'll just drift apart again but it might do both of you good to be upfront & get some honest closure.

Best of luck.

Taltos

OP - it is ok for friends to grow apart. It happens.

Few choices
1. as per Ickle above
2. Slowly distance yourself - don't respond immed to emails/calls - sometimes not at all. Cut calls short - sorry have to go.... eventually she will get the hint.
3. Swallow your pride and just go for the 30th - bite your tongue the whole time - but then follow 1 or 2 shortly afterwards.

We all change and sometimes that change means that friendships that were once dear are just weights. If you are at that point then it might be time to lighten the load.