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Extended family don't seem to want to know my brother

  • 04-06-2010 3:09am
    #1
    Le King
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,092 ✭✭✭


    To start, not that it matters, but my older brother has Down syndrome.
    Every year since I've been in Ireland me and my sister have taken him back to New York to visit our family since I was 17.

    Up until recently everything was fine. We took him to New York last July, as we promise him every Xmas, to see the whole family. However, after a couple of days of spending time with family I was told that we wouldn't be meeting up much over our stay as my relations were busy with business ventures and all sorts of other excuses. We ended up meeting up with just one of our uncles for the rest of the entire 3 weeks... Found out when I got back to Ireland that most of my family were free as they were in regular contact with my parents.

    Then, I returned, by myself, in September. I had no problems. Everybody was free when it suited me, they all were greatly looking forward to meeting up. I barely got the chance to meet up with one friend as there was so much family stuff going on. There was always something to do with the family.

    Sisters went at Xmas, no problem at all. Same story as when I went out by myself.

    Now we are planning to go again the end of July, early August with my brother. Surprise, surprise, today I rang people to find out what dates suited. They were nearly all free until I mentioned my brother coming...


    To be quite blunt, I'm getting sick of this. And if my suspicions are true well then it's quite the disgusting thought. They have only seen him for a couple of days since we moved to Ireland.

    Before anybody asks my brother is an unbelievable character. He's cool to be around. I can take him anywhere and he will not be a problem to anyone. He behaves exemplary and is the nicest person anybody will ever meet. He's always polite and never rude.

    This has me debating whether or not to bother with my extended family. I'm 99.99% sure that this is the case. OR could someone try explain this to me, if my suspicions are incorrect. I have discussed this with some of my family and they deny it. Although it's pretty obvious.


Comments

  • #2
    Taltos
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    It's really quite hard to draw any other sort of conclusion.

    Would caution writing to them - by all means have dates etc noted out - but why not just call one or two - those you are closest to and those with the most influence and ask them if they can help you understand.

    Going in throwing accusations (while you may be correct) is a fast way to put people on the defensive and knowing egos - it can be hard to back down - even when shamed into doing so.

    Clearly you have a good relationship with them - why else would they want to spend time with you - so use that - make a call - don't accuse - just explain that you need their help in understanding why it appears to you that no-one wants to spend time with your brother. Be calm - be logical - even lie and say - "I probably have this all wrong - and I don't want to insult anyone but I feel that once people hear X is coming over suddenly no-one is free to spend time with us. Maybe I am picking it up wrong - but over 2 / 3 or whatever trips this is really eating into me and is hurting..."

    i.e. play to their egos - help them see the impact of their rejection not just on your brother but on you - and by extension how they are viewed by you.

    I don't know - some folk sometimes just make me angry with their smallmindedness.


  • #3
    LittleBook
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,716 ✭✭✭LittleBook


    Consider for a second ... you take your brother in July which is the height of the summer holiday season, people are travelling, etc. September and Christmas, everyone's home.

    But if you're as convinced as you seem to be that they are actively avoiding spending time with your brother then contacting them in the way Taltos described is the way to go.


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