The mother I didn't know?

LegacyUser

Is it possible to change your opinion of someone after they've died?
I had a difficult relationship with my mother. It wasn't violent or agressive - I just feel like she rejected me and chose other family members ahead of me all my life. She died a long time ago and I have worked on healing myself and dealing with the guilt I felt after her death. I cried more for the mother I wanted when she died, than the mother I had.
So roll on ten years and I have a wonderful life. Supportive hubby, kids - quite a stable and secure home etc. And I have recently gotten in touch with my mums family - cousins of mine etc. They paint a very different picture of my mum - they talk of a wonderful caring woman who they adored. I have found myself softening my attitude towards her. I now realise that she had many sides to her and that these people saw a wonderful person. I still regret that this is not the woman I saw but I feel like I am begining to love this woman, who in real life, I could hardly stay in a room for five minutes without arguing.
So my question is, is this a normal reaction? I know she's long gone and there's nothing I can do about this in my real life - but my emotions are a bit all over the place at the moment and I'm wondering if others have gone through anything similar?

King of Kings

It's nice to hear that you've got over the grief and in answer to your query - yes it is possible to change your opinion

However your feelings are valid - just cos others have positive feeling you about her you don't have to adopt them
I find after somebody dies there is a lot of revisionist history about them, people only talk about the good times. It certainly gives an unbalanced viewpoint.
Finally you were her daughter, i'll wager to knew her a lot better than any cousin she had. She possibly put up a front with them - that's easy to do on the occasion.

But then again it's probably more important for you to move on a get closure than hold any grudges.

LegacyUser

It's not that they have a glorified image of her at all. She died a long time ago, so it's not like when someone dies and they are almost beatified, even though in their real life they were far from it.
These people have genuinely very fond memories of her. They have birthday cards and presents she would have sent them (they are all adults now, over 30). Letters she sent them - photos of her on their mantlepiece etc. Part of me feels almost jealous that she had such a good relationship with them, be it via mail even.
I haven't told any of them about my relationship with her and doubt I will (their illusions will be shattered!). But I almost feel like I'm lying to them when they talk so fondly of her and I nod in agreement....
It must be part of the closure for me tho...

seenitall

Hi OP,

funny these little coincidences in life!

I am currently dealing with a sihtload of psychological consequences of growing up with an abusive parent. I will spare you the gory details, but suffice it to say that this person, as in your case, was/is a "street angel and home devil", having a front of loving and caring person and parent for everyone outside of the home, and then treating helpless children as metaphorical punchbags behind closed doors. Because of all the damage this kind of life has caused, it is still very, very difficult for me to get along with my parent for any considerable length of time, and the best thing I have ever done for myself was to get as far away as possible from them (I moved countries).

The coincidence lies in me just having a think this morning how I would feel if this parent died! Funnily enough, I have come to the conclusion that really mirrors some of your emotions, especially this:

"I cried more for the mother I wanted when she died, than the mother I had."

I would be more upset at losing a parent, rather than the parent who I know, if that makes sense. And I would be upset at never having gotten a closure from my dealing with them, as there is still just a rejection and a denial that they ever did anything wrong on their part. There is a part of me that will never ever stop resenting them (not to put it in a more forceful world) for the damage caused. And these feelings would make me feel guilty as hell after their death, I know it because I can feel a little bit of that guilt even now.

What I am trying to say is, all the feelings that you went through and that you are going through at the moment seem very natural to me, and I am, unfortunately, in the position to know first-hand. Except for the fact that I don't feel jelous of other people having good opinions of my parent, oh no. When others praise my parent, I nod along as it is easier than to say "You don't know the first thing about this person, you weren't their child through years of daily put-downs, humiliations and abuse, so please just shut the fcuk up."

I think that the fact that you are experiencing some kind of conciliatory feelings toward your mother now, can only be a good thing, OP. It means that somewhere along the line, some kind of healing has been accomplished, and most probably your current happiness played a big role in that. Well done!

Be sure to never let guilt get to you too much, though. A certain amount of guilt is natural, especially if you start changing your feelings towards her to more positive ones, but always remember that there was a good reason that you felt the way you did in the past. Things have changed now because you have changed, and there is a good reason for that too. So just enjoy your peace of mind and be proud of yourself in giving yourself permission to remember your mother in a good way!

Des Carter

looking back Is it possible that you were a bit too hard on your mother. I mean you say that

Unregistered wrote: »

It wasn't violent or agressive

So I take it that she wasnt abusive. IMO it is surprisingly common for parents and their children to not have a strong bond. It is also possible that ye had a personality clash or that ye just didnt click. If this is the case it doesnt mean she rejected you and chances are she really did love and care for you but just didnt show it or you refused to see it.

Looking back did she reject you or did you just feel she rejected you?

I say this because it is possible that you may have been a bit rebellious or confrontational as many teens are and as a result your mother may have been stressed or may not have known how to deal with certain situations. (I have no idea what your relationship was like just making a few suggestions).

Im saying this because when you said

So roll on ten years and I have a wonderful life. Supportive hubby, kids - quite a stable and secure home etc.

It seems that she done a damn good job of raising you despite your strained relationship which would suggest that she did care.

LegacyUser

Thank you sentiall.

You are so right about guilt. I have to say, that I was literally eaten up by it in the first few years after her death. But I think we have to actually experience a parents death, and go through the guilt emotions - I don't think we can just switch off the guilt. I'm a better person for having gone through those emotions though.
In my case, my mother was ill for years before she died. I left home and moved back home 12 times in the last four years of her life. I would move back home to care for her (out of guilt) and quickly realise I couldn't deal with her, and move out again, only for the cycle to begin.

The biggest guilt came when I had left for the last time, only to receive a call from a family member telling me 'this is it, she only has hours left...'. I had been told that many, many times. But that time, I didn't go home. And of course she died. And then she left me nothing in will, overlooking me for distant nephews and nieces and my siblings.

Anyway, I digress. I am just finding it strange that I feel like I'm begining to love her - I hasten to say 'again', because I'm not sure I ever loved her. Does that sound dreadful?? Its like I'm hearing about this woman I never knew - I'm hearing about so many other sides to her.

LegacyUser

Hi Des,
Sorry, she rejected me alright. She gave me to her sister to raise for a few years because she couldnt cope with me or my brother. She took us back when we were about 7, but the damage had been done. She wasn't abusive in the obvious sense. Just constant put downs. For example, she told me for as long as I can remember that I had fat fingers. That might sound funny now (Im laughing myself actually), but for years and years, I hated my hands, never wore jewellery, never looked after my nails. Kept my hands in a clenched position whenever possible etc. Someone might comment that I had a nice dress on (as a kid), and she'd always get them to look at my hands saying 'Isnt it a shame about her fat fingers'....seems completely trivial even as I write it, but as an 8yr old girl, it saddened me so much. As an adult, I realise that I dont have fat fingers at all. It was like she wanted to make me feel bad on every level. And that particular example is only a minor one...
And I've worked hard when I was in my 20s to overcome my feelings of inadequacy (counselling, cbt, medication etc). Which is why I have a great family around me now. Took a while though!

seenitall

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi Des,
Sorry, she rejected me alright. She gave me to her sister to raise for a few years because she couldnt cope with me or my brother. She took us back when we were about 7, but the damage had been done. She wasn't abusive in the obvious sense. Just constant put downs. For example, she told me for as long as I can remember that I had fat fingers. That might sound funny now (Im laughing myself actually), but for years and years, I hated my hands, never wore jewellery, never looked after my nails. Kept my hands in a clenched position whenever possible etc. Someone might comment that I had a nice dress on (as a kid), and she'd always get them to look at my hands saying 'Isnt it a shame about her fat fingers'....seems completely trivial even as I write it, but as an 8yr old girl, it saddened me so much. As an adult, I realise that I dont have fat fingers at all. It was like she wanted to make me feel bad on every level. And that particular example is only a minor one...
And I've worked hard when I was in my 20s to overcome my feelings of inadequacy (counselling, cbt, medication etc). Which is why I have a great family around me now. Took a while though!

The fat fingers issue sounds exactly like something that I used to be told in front of assorted company as well, only with some other parts of anatomy... but the gist of it is the same, that what you are or how you look or what you think is not good enough, is not acceptable, and is to be pointed at and ridiculed wherever possible. THIS IS NOT TRIVIAL, growing up with that kind of humiliation heaped upon oneself, and that kind of opinion reflected on oneself will lead a child to believe all that crap about themselves. Lack of self-love will follow, and very often depression, self-destructive and destructive behaviour will follow that. However, I have already had plenty of opportunity to notice that people who have never been through anything similar have a hard time wrapping their heads around the fact that such cruelty is so easily perpetrated by what seems to be a loving parent on a child. It is emotional and mental abuse and I am still dealing with its consequences to this day (self-esteem issues, obviously!).

You are an abuse survivor, and YOU have made a damn good job of getting your life on track and making a success of it. You have my admiration.

I am sure that you will in time find peace with your thoughts and memories of your mother. It may take a little bit more time, but it seems to me like you are well on the way of putting it all together.

Best wishes.