Bully brother

LegacyUser

My brother and I are 20 and 22, and this is a problem I've had since I can remember but I'm close to breaking point right now and sick to death of it. I've just moved home after finishing my degree and I've been here two weeks and I'm dying to get out.
Since I guess my early teens he's abused me; verbally insulting me, sometimes hitting me and punching me and pushing me, insulting the things I liked. I just got on with life, and as I went on I thought he's surely going to grow out of this. Now he's 20, I'm trying to compare him to people I know his age and younger and I can't understand how he still acts like this.

If I came home and met him as I came in the door, I might get a 'where were you?' and if I say where, I could get a response like 'f*g' something just throwaway while he continues what he's doing. This afternoon, he was asking my dad for money to get a sandwich in town even though I had put on something for lunch. I just gave my two cents saying that he's working and should pay for his lunch himself but then he got super angry saying it's none of my business, that he can't just go to the bank and ask for €4 out (?!) that I'm a stupid, nosey b**** and should keep my nose to myself, stupid s****ic. This was all while standing right in front of my dad, who reached into his back pocket for a tenner for him without blinking an eye. It's not the handouts that bother me either, my parents are generous enough, but he's so ungrateful and impolite ('can I get a tenner there?') and he has money in the bank but doesn't use it. He went outside while I washed up with my dad and I asked him does he not notice when he says things like 'stupid s****ic' and he said 'I don't want to get into that now'. My brother called up to my room a second ago to tell me do something for him and when I didn't answer him he again called me a stupid, selfish handicap and a bitch, slamming my door to where my foot was.

A few months back I flipped, I was in hysterics telling my parents I was sick of it, never wanted to speak to him again (same stuff as above, including telling me I'm ugly/fat and saying I'm weird and he's "not the first one to say it", which really sent me over the edge - clearly his friends/people he know think I'm "weird", say it to him and he agrees). My parents' reaction was minimal. They didn't seem to know how to deal with me bawling and hardly able to breathe, except for sitting staring at the TV/floor. Eventually they reacted by saying they were sick of "our" carry-on and that "we" need to stop, with my mam even daring to say that I'm as bad as him (sometimes I try and fight back as in send similar insults his way but he always "wins" because I just get sick of it and he has the last word). I could go on more about that night but this is already long enough.

I had a joint 21st, and a friend of his had been caught on CCTV stealing the bag of cards/money/gifts belonging to my friend. Needless to say he had very little sympathy for me, or the friend who'd lost the cards and money, preferring to stay on the side of his friend and continue being friends with him??! I couldn't do that if someone had done it to one of my other brothers.

Reading back on this it seems kinda petty and a lot of people could take it on the chin but I can't. I've been pretty much trying to put up with his behaviour since I can remember and now we're both in our twenties and I thought it'd have ended by now, it's driving me mad to have to put up with this from someone younger than me and who's supposed to be related to me.

I guess I'm asking where do I go from here. I don't want to have to deal with him ever again but for the summer at least I'm living in this house and if I don't answer him, as I've tried before, he acts up, gets the parents on his side and I have to speak to him.

Taltos

Agree w SF.

At 20 - there is little you can do to change him.

Some pointers.
> no matter how much it hurts - no matter - just show boredom - fyi - this will freak him out - and he may well escalate - but again bored.
> do not get sucked into any discussions with him - no matter how obvious anything you say will be used as a weapon against you.
> talk to your folks - let them know how upset you have been. Tell them what you plan to do for the greater good - but also tell them you expect their support - yes you are both adults but clearly he is stepping across the line.

Finally - be prepared the only real solution here might be to move out - rent elsewhere or something. As long as he carries on like this and no one supports you - well why would you put yourself through that everyday.

Any violence though - seek legal advice - barring order / gardai etc.

Sounds like a class A jerk.

Giblet

Tell him to grow up and get a job and move out and stop being a mooch. He sounds like an embarrassment.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the replies, it's great to get some support since I haven't been able to get it before.

I've always tried the ignoring thing, and it works to a point, but he keeps going and I eventually would snap and then the parents would tune in and tell "us" to stop.

Taltos wrote:

talk to your folks - let them know how upset you have been. Tell them what you plan to do for the greater good - but also tell them you expect their support - yes you are both adults but clearly he is stepping across the line.

I've tried it, those two times but also as I've gone along, saying in the moment 'will you tell him to stop?' where they might say '[name], stop it'. It never leads to any more. I dunno how to get them to listen, because they think it's my fault too and I've no reason to be ratting on him. They just have blinkers on to the whole thing, like when I tried to say it to my dad today, he just doesn't want to hear it.

sunflower27 wrote: »

Sounds like he is incredibly jealous of you and he has sweet FA going on in his life so he fills his time trying to score points for himself by picking on you.

Thanks for all your points, but I don't think that this one is true, he has this huge network of friends and people he knows, and he gets on better with people that I went to school with than me. That's what annoys me too, people seem to worship the ground he walks on - if I'm out, I might get approached by someone who says 'oh, you're so-and-so's sister, he's some legend!' etc etc, which I just can't understand. Obviously he's treating these people like normal people or more, whereas his own sister is worth nothing to him. I had to delete him off Facebook too because he would leave scathing comments on my page and pictures that would be so embarrassing.

I would love to move out, but I'm trying to save so that I can go abroad to work or do a Masters and I don't want to bum off my parents when I do. I've applied for "real" jobs and some postgrads so by September I hope to be out, but until then I'm stuck here and the worst part is that everyone is blind to his behaviour, even my nan and brothers (both moved out) think butter wouldn't melt.

Faith

Is there any way you can move out? I thought you were a guy at first, but halfway through reading I copped you're a girl? I can't believe your parents are turning a blind eye to him being abusive to you!

I'd try to ignore him as best you can. It sounds like he's very good at getting to you, and knows exactly what buttons to press. When he says "I'm not the first to say that", he's lying more than likely. He's just trying to get to you. If you're going to stay there, unfortunately all you can do right now if try to grow a thicker skin, and ignore him.

Moomoo1

do you not have a male friend who can have a little chat with that guy, if you know what I mean?

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

do you not have a male friend who can have a little chat with that guy, if you know what I mean?

lol bro

Yeah, sounds weird, I know you've disagreed with the point on jealousy, but it does sound suspiciously like that's the case.

This might sound really out there, but you know there is such a thing where family members, as in brothers and sisters, can actually be attracted to each other.
It might actually sound like I'm taking the piss with that comment, but I assure you, it's for real.

Maybe in some way, he actually finds himself attracted to you and is trying to mask, maybe even to himself, that attraction with his abusive behavior.

**
I'll give you an example.

I read a case were a son actually broke his mothers arm.
They were so close when they were younger and then when the boy was in his teenage years, he was so ashamed of his emotional dependence on his mother that he became extremely abusive toward her in an effort to distance himself from her and it culminated seemingly, in an infraction where he broke his mothers arm somehow or other.

Maybe it's the same thing, but brother/sister type of goings on.

Oh well, probably not, but might be worth having a think about.

Victor

Moomoo1 wrote: »

do you not have a male friend who can have a little chat with that guy, if you know what I mean?

A "Dude, you're an adult now, stop with the schoolyard-style name-calling, it does none of us any good" chat would be good.

A "cop on or I'll break your legs" chat would be completely inappropriate.

KingLoser

Hi OP,

You're being bullied. You should consider initiating some family counselling, not that I'd expect your brother to join in, but perhaps it would open your parents eyes to the fact that you're the victim here.

I don't normally post here, but your brother sounds like an absolute prick.

LegacyUser

You are in a disfunctional family. It is not just your brother. Your parents are enabling this behavior and they will likely not intervene in this because they haven't in the years leading up to this. The best solution is to move out and leave them in their misery. Don't waste your time trying to change the other members of your family -- They won't, believe me. You have lived there for years with this and nothing has changed and nothing will change in the future either. The family pattern of bullying is set and you are on the bottom rung. The only way to fix this is to save yourself.... MOVE OUT. In six months time you will be much happier, wealthier, and your family won't treat you like **** anymore. If you stay, they will continue to treat you like a doormat.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the comments, it's really reassuring to see that people agree with me on his behaviour. I had a chat with my parents last night. I managed to stay mostly calm, I'd say because I felt like I had some people on my side and agreeing with me! My dad said he'll have a chat with him, although I'm not too hopeful about that because he'll just say "right, I won't do it again" as always. I'm avoiding him and not speaking to him and asked them not to force me to speak with him which they kind of agreed to, so it's a start on the ignoring thing.

There there I just can't imagine that to be the case but thanks for putting it out there regardless!

As for a male friend to speak to him (literally), the only one I'd consider is my boyfriend. He knows what he's like, I'd to ring him that night to try calm down, and if it gets bad I could get him to speak to him. He might listen to him since they actually get on alright. I'll consider it.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I think you need to move out ASAP. The reason your brother is bullying you is because there are no consequences and the reason there is no consequences is because your parents are utterly failing in their duty to protect you from such behaviour in the family home. :mad:

The only way it is going to stop is if you get a third party on intervene and your parents are shocked into seeing how abnormal their inaction with regards to their children's behaviour is or if you physically distance yourself from them. Your brother sounds like he has plenty issues of his own but they aren't your problem, the biggest problem I can see from your posts is how little your parents care that your brother is being physically and mentally abusive.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

KingLoser wrote: »

Hi OP,

You're being bullied. You should consider initiating some family counselling, not that I'd expect your brother to join in, but perhaps it would open your parents eyes to the fact that you're the victim here.

I don't normally post here, but your brother sounds like an absolute prick.

Move out
You are in a disfunctional family. It is not just your brother. Your parents are enabling this behavior and they will likely not intervene in this because they haven't in the years leading up to this. The best solution is to move out and leave them in their misery. Don't waste your time trying to change the other members of your family -- They won't, believe me. You have lived there for years with this and nothing has changed and nothing will change in the future either. The family pattern of bullying is set and you are on the bottom rung. The only way to fix this is to save yourself.... MOVE OUT. In six months time you will be much happier, wealthier, and your family won't treat you like **** anymore. If you stay, they will continue to treat you like a doormat.

That's cool.
Well, whatever the case, I'd have to say I agree with these two posters 110%
No offense, but your brother sounds like a tool, even if he does have the"Mr Popular" image.

If you need to move out bad enough, you can. Just go for it, and as the above said, leave them to their misery.
Don't be surprised if they come grovelling for you for forgiveness in shortly thereafter.

Drops of Jupiter

Hi OP,

I really feel your pain here. Growing up one of my brothers was an absolute nightmare to live with - always playing mind games, saying really hurtful things, stirring up conflict at every opportunity, making up things that others had said about you. Complete manipulator. If anyone ever came to visit he was the essence of charm. Used to drive me insane when people would say how lovely he was and how lucky I was to have such a nice brother!!

Anyway the mask slipped over the years but it was a long time coming. I stood up to him more than others in my my family so he made my life hell. My parents didn't really know how to deal with him so they just put their heads in the sand and we're in total denial. They really didn't support me at all. Basically I ended up travelling at any opportunity and as soon as I could moved out of home.

I guess what I am saying is that moving out my be the only option for you. I know you mentioned that your parents are going to talk to him but don't hold your breath. Your brother has been given a license to bully and he is not going to give that up easily. I know it seems unfair that you have to move but you will be happier in the long run. Families are so complicated sometimes and they don't make any rational sense.

It sounds like your brother has issues (mine certainly did) but don't let him ruin your life. This kind of bullying can really chip away at your self-esteem and do lots of damage. It makes it even worse when parents are standing idly by because I know I started to blame myself.

He sounds like a damaged person who wants to inflict his pain on others - don't be that person OP. Go and live a happy life. I wish you strength and lots of happiness.

LegacyUser

Drops of Jupiter wrote: »

If anyone ever came to visit he was the essence of charm. Used to drive me insane when people would say how lovely he was and how lucky I was to have such a nice brother!!

Drives me mad, in front of extended family he's actually quiet and even shy. My friends don't know what he's like and always joke about what he's put up on his FB last and I just have to laugh along, it'd be embarrassing to admit the truth.

Drops of Jupiter wrote: »

This kind of bullying can really chip away at your self-esteem and do lots of damage.

That's what I'm worried about too and I'd say it's already had an effect on me re self esteem and confidence tbh, or something has.

Drops of Jupiter wrote: »

I wish you strength and lots of happiness.

Thanks so much, your post has given me some hope