I don't know what to do

mainstreets

I broke up with my Ex boyfriend twice in the space of about 3 weeks. I didnt think i wanted to be in a relationship . He was hurt when we broke up . I admit i messed him about . Now though , I am in agony . I have never experienced so much pain. I did not realise how much i loved this boy . He really ment the world to me . Iv spoken to him and he feels that i cant just expect him to get back with me and that iv pushed him too far away and that now his feelings for me arnt the same . I completely understand that . He still cares for me alot and knows the pain im in . He wants us to try being friends and see where things go from there. He did tell me that he thinks i need to get over him aswell tho . because he cant promise that hes feelings will go back to how they were. We met up yesterday, and i cried , and he hugged me and kissed my forehead and held my hand and everything. we spent the whole day together. He was my best friend aswell and i dont have many other people around me at the moment to help me . Should i work on our friendship at the moment and does anyone think that he could get his feels for me back once i get myself back on track and we hang out as friends? Iv explained everything to him , iv told him i understand how he feels , and iv told him i knw the mistakes iv made. He knows i regret everything, and iv told him that if his feels changed back then i would really make him the happiest boyfriend in the world. I dont know what to do from here ... i need some help does anyone think he could love me again if i show him that i did go off the rails a bit at the end of the relationship but im still the same fun loving girl he fell in love with .. im finding it very hard to deal with this pain .

kenbrady

You don't fall out of love with someone that quickly, no matter what they do.
You messed him around. Now he is hurt and trying to protect himself and wants you to respect him and not take him for granted.
The lets be friends thing is his way of making sure you won't mess him around again and to not seem like he just caves in to your every whim.

Or he might not really love you and was only in the relationship because he liked you and wanted to see where it would lead.

funloving

Hi op,
I feel for you.
I dont think staying friends is both good and possible as you love this guy and you had more than a friendship.
I think you you both need space and time as now you can't think straight.
I went through the exact same and I holded on to his words..please move on...staying friends,eventually having feelings is something he might have just said...

if you need to you can PM...

Taltos

OP without really knowing the ins & outs I am going to suggest that you both give each other some space.

Use the time apart constructively - try to identify why it fell apart - honestly now. And see if you can work on those issues alone.
Being hurt he really does need some time - but maybe by showing him you have changed - it might help. Trying to show him you are the same girl he "fell in love" with might not work - that girl in your own words messed him about.

Sometimes relationships just run their course and although it hurts you have to move on and take to heart the hard lessons you will have learnt here.

road_high

Hey OP,

God I think i could have writen this too to be honest. I was always so blasse about my ex and our relationship. I felt the grass was greener when I was with him and did not want to spend time much with him in the final months.

Howver, i felt similar to you about him when we finally broke up. I had messed him around to be honest and his feelings changed for me; he used be stone mad about me. it's so hard to accept but I have to accept it's over and has been such a hard lesson for me. I never knew i loved him so much.

Like other posters, i'm not so sure about the "being friends" thing. Don't think it can work unless the feelings are truly gone, unfortunately.

Hope you are doing ok. Use the time to focus on YOU and getting to know what you want/need in life. Sometimes we loose track of that in a relationship and drift along.

LegacyUser

I feel for you OP, im in a similar situation except im on the receiving end. my girlfriend of 9 years is having doubts and i think she is going to dump me in the coming week. I've known she has been having doubts for the last two weeks and it has been hell. She wants to hang out and just be us to see how she really feels but im a pessimist and so sure she'll end it. If she does, i do think she will regret it in the long run. From your experiences, how can i make her realise that what we have now is not worth throwing away?

Sorry to derail your thread. He is obvioulsy still crazy about you and just doesnt want to be hurt. If my girlfriend breaks it off and then comes back regretting it, as much as i would like to i think i would not take her back straight away because the trust is gone. That is not to say he won't take you back but it may take a bit or alot of work. I hope everything works out for you OP, i know these things aren't easy.

mainstreets

Icanrelate - Well from my experience , there were 2 weeks where my ex knew that i was having second thoughts and i was being distant and he told me that that really hurt him alot for those few weeks. I just thought i didnt want him , and really it was because i thought i would always have him . But then i broke up with him , and yes for a few days he asked for me to get back with him, and when he was doing that i didnt feel any different. but then bang, he kissed another girl on a night out, and he told me that , and from then iv been in bits. I think , for me anyway , it wasnt until i thought i didnt have him that it hit me how much i loved him . but its too late i think . I dont know if i should accept the friendship now that he wants , rebuild the trust and see does he want me back . or should i walk away now and hope he misses me .. but we have an amazing friendship that i cant afford to loose either . im in a bad old way

Moomoo1

Canrelate wrote: »

I feel for you OP, im in a similar situation except im on the receiving end. my girlfriend of 9 years is having doubts and i think she is going to dump me in the coming week. I've known she has been having doubts for the last two weeks and it has been hell. She wants to hang out and just be us to see how she really feels but im a pessimist and so sure she'll end it. If she does, i do think she will regret it in the long run. From your experiences, how can i make her realise that what we have now is not worth throwing away?

Sorry to derail your thread. He is obvioulsy still crazy about you and just doesnt want to be hurt. If my girlfriend breaks it off and then comes back regretting it, as much as i would like to i think i would not take her back straight away because the trust is gone. That is not to say he won't take you back but it may take a bit or alot of work. I hope everything works out for you OP, i know these things aren't easy.

I think the first rule is 'refuse to take any sh*t'.

'Hang out and just be us'... I don't even know what to say to that.

Kimono-Girl

mainstreets wrote: »

for me anyway , it wasnt until i thought i didnt have him that it hit me how much i loved him . but its too late i think . I dont know if i should accept the friendship now that he wants , rebuild the trust and see does he want me back . or should i walk away now and hope he misses me ..

this is what struck me as your answer,

As soon as you thought you didn't have him you wanted him, this to me screams "i don't love him, but i don't want anyone else to have him either" and although it is a valid feeling after a breakup im afraid the world doesn't work like that, it does however i feel show you don't love him as much as you think but the fear of losing him is holding you back to him.

if you want to be friends with this guy in my opinion and personal experiance being friends straight after doesn't work until you do two things.

A:take some space (usually 3 months) from him and re-assess how you feel after that. and by space i mean, no texting, no looking at his facebook, no talking...etc

and B: stop loving him, as much as it may hurt now, you cannot have a friendship until nether one of you has feelings for the other.

you also say should you walk away and see if he misses you. if you are going to walk away do it for you, not for him! otherwise you risk further hurt if you are not moving on and he does.

Honestly i was once told "you will never find another guy as great as me" and at the time i believed him, but now i look back and i've dated 3 guys who were honestly better/the greatest guys on the planet! im still best friends with one (and that was only after doing the above 3 month thing.)and the other one is an aquantence now and the third is my OH.

i really think he's not right for you, and you need to continue on your own until you find the right guy for you, in my opinion too much has gone on here to go back to the way things were.

m@cc@

mainstreets wrote: »

He still cares for me alot and knows the pain im in .....i did go off the rails a bit at the end of the relationship but im still the same fun loving girl he fell in love with.

What about the pain he's feeling? As someone who's been in this situation where my OH didn't want to be in a relationship anymore, I would find it very hard to trust them again and I certainly wouldn't accept things returning to the status quo just like that. If there is any hope for your relationship you're going to have to be patient and let him call the shots.

Also you'll need to you'll need to look at the reason why you went 'off the rails' and what drove you to break up with him. You say you don't have many people around you at the moment, this worries me in terms of your motivation for getting back with him. You'll never truely know if you want to get back with him unless you give being apart a chance.

LegacyUser

mainstreets wrote: »

Icanrelate - Well from my experience , there were 2 weeks where my ex knew that i was having second thoughts and i was being distant and he told me that that really hurt him alot for those few weeks. I just thought i didnt want him , and really it was because i thought i would always have him . But then i broke up with him , and yes for a few days he asked for me to get back with him, and when he was doing that i didnt feel any different. but then bang, he kissed another girl on a night out, and he told me that , and from then iv been in bits. I think , for me anyway , it wasnt until i thought i didnt have him that it hit me how much i loved him . but its too late i think . I dont know if i should accept the friendship now that he wants , rebuild the trust and see does he want me back . or should i walk away now and hope he misses me .. but we have an amazing friendship that i cant afford to loose either . im in a bad old way

Well try and keep the head up. If it's any consolation i gurantee you he is really hurting aswell, and this girl he kissed most likely means absolutely nothing to him. When you were having doubts and he knew it, believe me its really not a nice feeling to be on the receiving end of this and it hurts like hell. You almost wish that if they do break up with you that they will regret it in time, almost like so you can have an 'i told you so' attitude. He right now, for the first time since you brought up your doubts feels like he has some control over the situation and can dictate where it is going to go. He may also be moving on and not want to experience those feelings he had when you broke up. He's probably scared of getting hurt again. These things are not nice and i know how difficult they are, i hope you are alright. Maybe try and talk to him, see how he feels and if he doesn't want to give it another shot then you know where you stand.

LegacyUser

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think the first rule is 'refuse to take any sh*t'.

'Hang out and just be us'... I don't even know what to say to that.

i see your point but its hard to explain. Shes put up with an awful lot from me and after 9 years, ill do what it takes to not loose her

mainstreets

canrelate wrote: »

Well try and keep the head up. If it's any consolation i gurantee you he is really hurting aswell.

I really dont think he is . I mean i think i want to try the friendship , and show to him that he can trust me again . he has sat there with me while im bent over in agony crying so much so he does know the pain im in . He hugged me and kissed my head and held my hand and everything while i was so bad infront of him . We still talk everyday .. does anyone think that i will be able to rebuild his trust again ? If i really try my hardest and show him . I just want to fix for him any hurt that i caused him , i really love him. I want a chance to show it properly ..

mainstreets

also , last night , one of my bestfriends boyfriend died tragically . My emotions are everywhere, i dont know how i could cope if something like that happened to my ex .. my ex offered to come to the funeral with me, cause he knows its a the other side of the country and i would be travelling on my own . if anything happened to my ex i would never get over it

Ickle Magoo

mainstreets wrote: »

I really dont think he is . I mean i think i want to try the friendship , and show to him that he can trust me again . he has sat there with me while im bent over in agony crying so much so he does know the pain im in . He hugged me and kissed my head and held my hand and everything while i was so bad infront of him . We still talk everyday .. does anyone think that i will be able to rebuild his trust again ? If i really try my hardest and show him . I just want to fix for him any hurt that i caused him , i really love him. I want a chance to show it properly ..

Hey OP,

I don't think anyone can answer that, relationships can be and often are damaged beyond repair by either or both parties and peoples behaviour can seriously alter the image and feelings others hold for them. I think you have every right to ask if he sees a future for you and state you are willing to work towards it but I don't think blindly hoping & fearing that anything you might say or do could push him over the edge constitutes a healthy relationship.

You've messed him around and hurt him and you need to give him some space to decide if he wants to give your relationship another go, I don't think hanging around as friends will work or end happily. In the meantime I think you have some work to do to decipher why you messed him around and why your feelings are swinging from dumping him twice to breaking your heart over losing the love of your life - you instigated all the heartache yourself, why?

Best of luck

LegacyUser

mainstreets wrote: »

I really dont think he is . I mean i think i want to try the friendship , and show to him that he can trust me again . he has sat there with me while im bent over in agony crying so much so he does know the pain im in . He hugged me and kissed my head and held my hand and everything while i was so bad infront of him . We still talk everyday .. does anyone think that i will be able to rebuild his trust again ? If i really try my hardest and show him . I just want to fix for him any hurt that i caused him , i really love him. I want a chance to show it properly ..

He may not be showing it to you, but inside of course he's in pain. I think that the dynamic has changed, he holds the cards now. Its like a reversal from when you were having doubts and he would have been more visibly upset. Honestly, with my own situation, i would probably do the same. I wouldn't just jump back into it but try and build it up again. It could take a long time. He may honestly be unsure as to whether he wanst to be with you in that way anymore but i'd be more inclined to think that he is just afraid of getting hurt again. I can only realte from own experience, i know that i would want to take her back in a flash but i wouldn't let her see that, i wouldn't want her to have that satisfaction to know that she can dump me and leave me all alone and then coem back a while later and im just there waiting. I'd want to come across as strong and confident and almost like im moving on and over everything. I also know how a death can really make things messy so im really sory about that. HAng out with him, let him take you to the funeral but don't be too needy. He won't be able to just be friends with you if he wants more and it won't be able to go on for too long without one of you setting everything straight.

mainstreets

canrelate wrote: »

He may not be showing it to you, but inside of course he's in pain. I think that the dynamic has changed, he holds the cards now. Its like a reversal from when you were having doubts and he would have been more visibly upset. Honestly, with my own situation, i would probably do the same. I wouldn't just jump back into it but try and build it up again. It could take a long time. He may honestly be unsure as to whether he wanst to be with you in that way anymore but i'd be more inclined to think that he is just afraid of getting hurt again. I can only realte from own experience, i know that i would want to take her back in a flash but i wouldn't let her see that, i wouldn't want her to have that satisfaction to know that she can dump me and leave me all alone and then coem back a while later and im just there waiting. I'd want to come across as strong and confident and almost like im moving on and over everything. I also know how a death can really make things messy so im really sory about that. HAng out with him, let him take you to the funeral but don't be too needy. He won't be able to just be friends with you if he wants more and it won't be able to go on for too long without one of you setting everything straight.

thanks very much , what your saying makes complete sense to me . I am going to work hard at being a good friend for now . God knows i need one at the moment. in a few weeks , if nothing has changed , and im still deeply in love , then im going to have to take a step away from him and let myself get over him . It just seems like the hardest thing in the world to do he really is my best friend

Taltos

mainstreets wrote: »

thanks very much , what your saying makes complete sense to me . I am going to work hard at being a good friend for now . God knows i need one at the moment. in a few weeks , if nothing has changed , and im still deeply in love , then im going to have to take a step away from him and let myself get over him . It just seems like the hardest thing in the world to do he really is my best friend

Probably the best approach. FYI - I have seen couples come back from this and eventually marry (relation married now 10+ yrs, kids by the bucket and happier than ever). So don't give up all hope. Just focus on the friendship for the moment and at the same time really be honest as to why you were driven to split in the first place - that way if you both come back together you know what pitfalls to avoid.

Micahelxcx

You ditched him. He asked you to reconsider and you refused.
Then you realised you actually loved him and now want him back.
Well I think you have blown your chances.
Nobody likes to be treated with disrespect.
But if you are hoping to be friends with him and for the two of you to get back down the road hear is my advice.

I'd break off all contact with him and try to forget about him for at least three months.
You messed him about and are now regretting what you did. He has tried to move on with his life accepting you no longer loved him or wanted to be in a realtionship with him.
You realised your mistake and the way you mistreated and expect him to come running back to you.
Well, life isn't like that and relationships are complex things that need constant work by both sides.

Your tears didn't even sway him.

So, now be a big girl and get on with your own life. Forget him.
If after 3 months you feel you no longer have the same feelings for him but would like to be friends by all means contact him.
Just don't expect the Mills&Boon stuff like that he is going to come running into your arms.