Really worried about my Brother

backwards

Hi

I am wondering if anyone has any advice really, because I don't know how to handle this…

My Brother has always lived at home, and has not really worked much.
He did work in a family Business for a number of years, and now the Business no longer runs due to the recession, he is not working.

My worry is, he has not worked for over a year, and seems down and depressed. When he did work, he didn’t turn up some days etc if he had something else more important on etc, and because it was a family business, this was accepted.

Anyway.. He seems very down and depressed in himself. He has recently been offered a job locally, but he has no interest in working, and has not bothered with the job. He seems to stay in his room all day on the Laptop, and when it comes to the weekend, he goes to the pub, if he has gotten his dole that week. He has told his friends that he works a few days a week with my Dad, which is not true!

I have tried talking to my Parents about this because I am worried about him, aside from being annoyed with him for seeming Lazy. It doesn’t seem healthy that a Guy in his Mid-Late 20’s is living a life in this way. I have come home from work a lot of days about 7pnm to find out that he has stayed in his room all day.

My Parents do everything for him. He gets take away food most evenings ordered and delivered to him by my Mother, he gets picked up from town and drove to town whenever needed no matter what they might be doing. It’s a 10 minute stroll to town. No one at home seems to acknowledge that this is strange behaviour for a Guy this age.

My problem is when I try to bring it up at home, and ask him what he’s going to do with himself, everyone ignores me and says absolutely nothing, then eventually they leave the room. It’s at the stage where I am giving out about him and to him all the time, because I am sick of the silence. I don’t like giving out about him. He’s a good Guy. But I don’t know what to do besides cause a huge Row at home. I am worried for him, and want to help him get back on track with his life.

My Parents are afraid to do anything to push him or say anything to him because they are worried that he is depressed. I can see it by them, they would rather ignore everything. I’m sure he is depressed. But what’s the point in ignoring how he is acting?

I’m his sister, not his Mother, and I don’t know my place, or what to do?

I don’t know where I see him in 5 years. I just see him wasting his life, and being miserable, and he is not very outgoing, and doesn’t know how to help himself.

It's very frusterating. What can I do?

Thanks

Nevyn

Had he been to the dr to diagnose him with depression or it that he's just down and in low spirits about how his life is atm?
I know you are worried but you can't make him take action or force him to change.
I get you are frustrated with how things are but it's not your responsibility and you should stop nagging.

backwards

Hi

No he has not been to any Doctor. Nothing has been acknowledged that it is abnormal carry on at home, so it has never been suggested.

He is drawn in the face, huge bags under his eyes, barely moves, rarely talks, let alone smile.

I have recently moved back home after being away for years. It's only becoming clear to me now (last 6 months), how his life is such a waste.

I guess I am worried about him if he is feeling depressed. The nagging tbh is more at my Parents recently, because they won't talk about it and admit it's not right..

Thanks. I do know nagging is not the answer, and I am generally not a nagging Person.

LegacyUser

So have you actually gone up to his room and tried talking to him? Maybe he is looking for jobs on his laptop all day or trying to figure out what career he wants?
He probably is depressed but at this time what do you expect him to do? I can understand he would say that he is helping your dad to people just to say that he is 'working'
Without talking to him or without him talking to you I should say its hard to know. What kind of job was he offered? Maybe it was something he really didnt want to do.
My post is rambling a lot but basically its easy to see why someone would be depressed having not worked in a year and tbh it is very hard to get motivated after unemployment as it brings with it a lot of negative feelings including 'whats the point..'

Theres not much you can do besides trying to talk to him, not nagging just asking how he is feeling about everything and if he had any plans? You havent actually said whether or not you have tried to talking to him. Ithink you should try talking to him first as a friend to get a better idea of where he is coming from

backwards

Hi,

Yes I have tried talking to him. I have spent time taking him to the cinema or doing stuff with him, to give us a chance to talk. Finding ways to approach the subject. I have sympathised with him saying he must be so distraught with being bored. And have told him I will do anything I can to help. I have tried being supportive, without spoonfeeding him.

He never says anything. He is just silent.

More to the point. He borrows off his friends constantly to go drinking etc. He recently got himself into a lot of dept, and I got a loan to help him out. Still he rarely gives me money to pay this loan back. He would give me a small portion of his dole maybe once a month! This is why it frustrates me. He won't take a job, yet he can go drinking every weekend, while I am paying a big enough loan for him.

I do understand that he is feeling depressed. But I am very approachable. I rarely nag at him. (I have been nagging more at my parents for ignoring him/it) I tried to help him when a friend told me he could have a job in a local shop. Maybe he didn't want to do it. But at the minute he just lies in his room all day. as far as I know he doesn't have internet on his laptop.

I just really am wondering how to deal with my parents on this? I feel they should be doing more?

Thanks

LegacyUser

I feel for you, because i am in the exact same position as you.

My brother hasn't always leaved at home, but is back living here the last two years. He also worked in the family company, and would also just not turn up to work most of the time, which was just accepted. He eventually stopped coming into work altogether, but i know we're still paying him. He's mid 30s and has two kids, who come and visit my parents house everyday, where he spends some time with them.

He used to stay in all week and go out at the weekend, but now he stays in all week and the weekend, playing his xbox in his room, drinking cans to himself.

My parents pussyfoot with him, do everything he asks in terms of food (like you said, deliverys and what not), getting stuff bought for him, or brought to him.

I've spoke to my dad, he knows its a problem, but doesn't know how to approach it. He's probably depressed, plus he's had accidents in the past, which means he can't really work (when he did work, he was a bike courier) for prolonged periods.

Truth is, my parents are't going to be around forever, to look after him, that's what they and myself worry about.

No idea what to do tbh, its depressing to think about

LegacyUser

It sounds like your really trying, i'm sorry its nots getting you anywhere! Firstly though I wouldn't give him another cent. If he is depressed his drinking is only making it worse. There's really not much you can do here although its frustrating i can imagine, like another poster has said you could try and get him to see a gp.
What can your parents do here? It doesnt sound like they could do much.
As for you all you can do is be there for him, but i suggest you let him take care of his own finances instead of bailing him out, do your parents know about this loan? I would demand a certain amount from his dole every week especially if he is only drinking it anyway. Might do him good to take some responsibility of his finances. Fair enough he doesnt want to work in a shop but if he's going to be borrowing money to go drinking he really has to get real.