OH has an alcoholic mother

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for more than three years, and he's fantastic. When we first got together we were both in college and living at home, he didn't introduce me to his parents for a long time and would only have me over if they weren't there. I found out a while later that his mother has been an alcoholic for years, and he was a bit embarrassed of her. When she's going through a bad period she's usually hammered by dinnertime. Once I was talking to him on the phone and there was a large crash in the background, it turned out she had fallen down the stairs and was unconscious.

Last year, his parents moved away from Dublin back to their home country. We're going on a trip this weekend and are going to be staying with them for a week. I am quite nervous because I have never really spent any time with them, and am worried that she is going to get very drunk in the evenings and I'm not going to know what to do. My boyfriend has told me not to take anything she says after 6pm seriously. I don't want to talk too much about it in advance because I know it will be really embarrassing for him, and I don't want to make it a big deal - I've just never dealt with an alcoholic before, and don't quite know what to expect. From what I can gather she can be quite cruel when she's drunk, if she says I'm fat or something I'm going to find it hard not to take it personally. Does anyone have any tips on how I should handle the situation? Apart from the mother I'm really looking forward to the holiday

Trashbat

This Kind of situation can be very difficult and its going to take all your effort to not be offended by things and not react to things.

I would suggest talking things over with your OH thoroughly though, as he may have dealt with it for a long time and may be a little more flippant about it. Let him know that you will rely on him for support if things go bad. You can't be expected to just grin and bear it. Communication is the most important thing in these situations, and while you need to be as sensitive as possible to his feelings, this does not mean you shouldn't talk about things, thats the makings of an adult relationship.

Taltos

OP - a few things.

If she is an alcoholic - then I doubt you will have to wait until the evening before she is drunk.

Try your best to make sure you have plans to keep you both busy every single day - and out of the house.
Also - have a backup hotel chosen that you know has rooms - so if it escalates you have somewhere safe to go to.
Inform your BF - you will do your best not to rise to her - but you have a reasonable expectation that he will stand up for you. Be crystal clear with him on this. No dodging either way - if she insults you - he defends you - failing to do that you do have the classic - "I will be able to lose weight - but you'll always be a drunk" - kind of why you need a place.

I know this is harsh - but my mum was the same. Our way of dealing was never to ever back down or allow her any room to think what she was doing was in anyway acceptable. You know the rule - stand up to bullies.
But it is your OHs duty here - not yours. Whatever shame you might feel over this - it is a drop in the ocean to the shame and embarrassment he will be feeling - trust me.

Don't put pressure on him - be supportive - but again - set reasonable expectations. You love him - he loves you - and you will not accept anyone hurting him, if it causes a problem with his mum - you are sorry - but you will not start anything...

Best of luck - and remember those backup hotels.

LegacyUser

Hi!

My mother is an alcoholic too.

She drinks around the clock, 24hrs a day, a fully dependant alcoholic, non-functioning. She is violent ALL the time. She passes out all the time. This woman sounds like she can function during the day for the most part until she gives in and gets drunk. Is that true? Also, are you going abroad for this visit?

I would never stand-up to an alcoholic, its an absolute waste of your time. They don't hear what you say at all. You will end up getting yourself upset and angry if you let anything she says affect you in anyway.

If she is in anyway threatening or violent or doesn't want you in the house, then I would just leave. Its not worth the hassle. If you are going abroad I would definitely have a back-up plan.

I hope everything goes smoothly though. I also hope you can meet the real person behind the alcoholic. Its a pity you have to meet her in these circumstances. (I wish my BF had met my 'real' mother).

Good luck with it OP.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks so much for the replies.

I am going abroad for this trip. Any time I've met his mother before has been during the day when she's been sober and she's quite nice. It's usually in the evenings that she starts drinking heavily, mostly vodka. I don't think she is violent, my boyfriend has never mentioned anything about that. From what he has told me it sounds like she can be quite mean, and will say horrible things. She also seems to drink herself into a stupor a lot of the time, and will fall asleep in strange places in the house or pass out on the bed. I think sometimes she can;t walk from the drinking. His older sister used to get into shouting matches with her when she was drunk, but I think his way of dealing with it is more to ignore her and stay out of her way.

She has gone through stages before where she has stayed off alcohol for several months, but always falls back into it. He said it got really bad when they first moved to Ireland (maybe ten years ago) because she didn't know anyone and wasn't terribly happy. They moved back home last year, but she still drinks a lot, and apparently is going through a bad patch of drinking for the last few months.

It's not so much the daytime I'm worried about, but the evenings. Their hometown is quite small and there isn't a big nightlife scene or anything, sure we can go out for dinner and things but I don't think we can stay out all night every night we're there. I suppose I'm just going to have to see what happens when I get there, I just can't help being a bit nervous.

Incidentally, my boyfriend doesn't drink