Very Close Friendship... Could be more...?

LegacyUser

I'm very good friends with this guy, and from the off, there was always something in the air between us. We've been friends since last autumn.

When we first met each other, I was still head wrecked and getting over a bad break-up. So was really just looking for friends, rather than re-bound material. (I still thought this guy was hot though, and since we've gotten to know each other, I think he's an absolutely amazing person) So me and him hung around with the same crowd, and became really good friends, and there have been quite a few "almost" moments.

I really thought something was gonna happen for a while, but I was terrified to actually go out and make a move myself. From what I can tell, I think he is the same. I don't know if it's cos he's just not that interested, thinks I'm not interested, doesn't wanna mess up the friendship, or is just shy.

A few months ago, this girl at a party dived on him, and the next thing, they started going out. I was absolutely gutted cos we'd been hanging out all day, and been very close the day it happened, and it felt like such a kick in the teeth. He was a bit funny about it to me, but he started going out with her, so I just kept some distance for a while and left them to it.

Around the same time, my ex started getting back in contact with me and back into my life, and I think I let it happen because I was so disappointed about what had (not) happened with my friend. My ex is not a great guy tbh. I won't go into details, but he can be really insensitive, selfish and uncaring. My friend is the total opposite. He's really sweet and kind, and a total gentleman.

So anyway, my ex has just caused me a lot of head wreck and heart ache all over again. I didn't get back with him, but he's been back on the scene. My friend has been there for me, and been a total hero in a few ****ty situations where the ex was just stirring trouble at parties etc.

So he's been ridiculously good, and we've become really close again, and whatever it is, I think we have a really strong connection. I haven't been trying to lure him away from his girlie or anything like that, and even got on really well with her when I got to know her. In fact, I was actually glad in a way he was taken, cos I felt like it took the tension out of the air. (I find it hard to handle sometimes!)

So now he's split up with that girl, and immediately the tension has come back, and it's a million times more than before. I've also finally gotten the ex completely back out of my life because it's become very obvious that we can't be friends. Part of me feels like something is gonna happen again, but part of me thinks that he has seen my absolute worst weaknesses now in all the scenarios that have happened with my ex. I'm sure that's a big turn-off, and he said he was so disappointed when he met him, that now I'm convinced he must think I have low self esteem issues for going out with such a douche bag!

So I guess I'm wondering, from the lads point of view, would it turn you off a girl if you saw her ex being an uncool guy, treating her very badly and her getting all wound up over it? Would you think she was a bit of a pathetic loser?

Unique User Name

Hi Op. I can't speak for all guys and certainly wouldn't try to. From my persepctive though it really wouldn't concern me about the ex so long as she wasn't still hung up on him. I say go for it with this guy carpe diem :-)

LegacyUser

Hi there,

In answer to your question, no I doubt he would think you are at all pathetic at all, we all have bad times like that, and he was there for you....

So now he is free...this is your change girl..Take it...the next person he meets maybe more serious..
I have been in this situation and I know its scary, and the fear of rejection is horrible, but if you dont you will always wonder. My situation was different, my bff was bi, and although we love each other, it would have never worked as more than friends..

Just go out one night, and make a move, I think from what you have said he may well have feelings for you....Then if he doesnt feel the same, it will hurt at first, but you will know it wasnt meant to be okay.

Best of luck..

Very Close wrote: »

I'm very good friends with this guy, and from the off, there was always something in the air between us. We've been friends since last autumn.

When we first met each other, I was still head wrecked and getting over a bad break-up. So was really just looking for friends, rather than re-bound material. (I still thought this guy was hot though, and since we've gotten to know each other, I think he's an absolutely amazing person) So me and him hung around with the same crowd, and became really good friends, and there have been quite a few "almost" moments.

I really thought something was gonna happen for a while, but I was terrified to actually go out and make a move myself. From what I can tell, I think he is the same. I don't know if it's cos he's just not that interested, thinks I'm not interested, doesn't wanna mess up the friendship, or is just shy.

A few months ago, this girl at a party dived on him, and the next thing, they started going out. I was absolutely gutted cos we'd been hanging out all day, and been very close the day it happened, and it felt like such a kick in the teeth. He was a bit funny about it to me, but he started going out with her, so I just kept some distance for a while and left them to it.

Around the same time, my ex started getting back in contact with me and back into my life, and I think I let it happen because I was so disappointed about what had (not) happened with my friend. My ex is not a great guy tbh. I won't go into details, but he can be really insensitive, selfish and uncaring. My friend is the total opposite. He's really sweet and kind, and a total gentleman.

So anyway, my ex has just caused me a lot of head wreck and heart ache all over again. I didn't get back with him, but he's been back on the scene. My friend has been there for me, and been a total hero in a few ****ty situations where the ex was just stirring trouble at parties etc.

So he's been ridiculously good, and we've become really close again, and whatever it is, I think we have a really strong connection. I haven't been trying to lure him away from his girlie or anything like that, and even got on really well with her when I got to know her. In fact, I was actually glad in a way he was taken, cos I felt like it took the tension out of the air. (I find it hard to handle sometimes!)

So now he's split up with that girl, and immediately the tension has come back, and it's a million times more than before. I've also finally gotten the ex completely back out of my life because it's become very obvious that we can't be friends. Part of me feels like something is gonna happen again, but part of me thinks that he has seen my absolute worst weaknesses now in all the scenarios that have happened with my ex. I'm sure that's a big turn-off, and he said he was so disappointed when he met him, that now I'm convinced he must think I have low self esteem issues for going out with such a douche bag!

So I guess I'm wondering, from the lads point of view, would it turn you off a girl if you saw her ex being an uncool guy, treating her very badly and her getting all wound up over it? Would you think she was a bit of a pathetic loser?

ManOfMystery

Very Close wrote: »

So I guess I'm wondering, from the lads point of view, would it turn you off a girl if you saw her ex being an uncool guy, treating her very badly and her getting all wound up over it? Would you think she was a bit of a pathetic loser?

I can't speak for every other guy, but if I was interested in this girl and saw that her ex was a bit of a dick, I'd actually want to be there for her and make sure she gets treated better.

I think you know the only way to fix this situation is to lay your cards on the table - one of you has to do it or this time next year you'll be in exactly the same spot.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Eek! Thanks for the advice. I was really worried he'd think I was the kind of girl who liked being treated bad or something, and that I was a drama queen. Hmmm... Well, the drama queen thing might be a bit true.

My friend told me I really need to not give a ***k what other people think and just do what I want in life. Maybe I should take his advice and use it on him!?

How much time is time enough to give him to get over his break-up though? He split up with the girl because he just wasn't into it enough, and seems okay, but it was only two weeks ago... I don't wanna crowd in on him.

HavingCrack

Look type something along these lines for men out there and you'll get thousands of hits on google. The name given to it is the friend zone. It doesnt seem to happen to women anywhere near as much (don't know why-I'm no psyciatrist) but basically if you think there s something there jsut go for a kiss next time together. You knwo what they say-its the thigns you don't do in life that you regret!:D

Soul Stretcher

Go for it now basically is my advice.

He wasn't that much into his ex which seems to be which they split up. Therefore, he isn't a besotted lover grieving the death of his true love - I wouldn't say he needs a whole lot of time. Besides there is no Manual for this. You two could be fantastic lovers. I'd risk it.

Go for it this week please.

And let us know how you got on !!

funloving

hi OP,
how long have you been going out with this guys?
I know a lot of lads here said go for it but honestly..when you like someone, don't you try and get more intimate?
Only you,OP, know him so only you can say if he's shy and afraid he might ruin the friendship or we are very close friends who dont't totally dislike each other from a physical point of view.

best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here again.

Boo guys! I think he isn't that into me after all. We were supposed to hang out today, and we weren't sure what we were gonna do, but I was really looking forward to it. (it wasn't a date btw!)

But when I met him, there were a few of our other friends as well, including his best friend, who dragged him off somewhere else without inviting me along. It's hard to explain as it's related to our work, but I think he could have escaped. And he said he'd give me a shout when he was finished with them, but then he just texted me and said sorry for messing up our day, and that we'd hang out next weekend and plan it better.

I think... he's just not that into me. Maybe he was afraid I was gonna pounce on him.

(His best friend is a moody so and so, and controlling, and jealous, but I don't wanna make excuses)

Odaise Gaelach

Very Close wrote: »

Boo guys! I think he isn't that into me after all. We were supposed to hang out today, and we weren't sure what we were gonna do, but I was really looking forward to it. (it wasn't a date btw!)

But when I met him, there were a few of our other friends as well, including his best friend, who dragged him off somewhere else without inviting me along. It's hard to explain as it's related to our work, but I think he could have escaped. And he said he'd give me a shout when he was finished with them, but then he just texted me and said sorry for messing up our day, and that we'd hang out next weekend and plan it better.

That still sounds promising. The fact that "it wasn't a date" should have suggested that it wasn't going to be... well, a date! He said that he wants to hang around with you again: doesn't seem too bad to me!


And, by the way...

Very Close wrote: »

So I guess I'm wondering, from the lads point of view, would it turn you off a girl if you saw her ex being an uncool guy, treating her very badly and her getting all wound up over it? Would you think she was a bit of a pathetic loser?

No. For two reasons:

1) It's not your ex that I'd be interested in, it'd be you.

2) He's treating you badly, being uncool and making you unhappy. No wonder he's your ex.

Basically, the only real way an ex would turn me off a girl is if she constantly moans about him in front of me. You need to be over your ex if you want to be with another guy.

Take care.

LegacyUser

Hey, thank you. I wasn't expecting it to be a date, but I wasn't expecting him to ditch me about twenty minutes after I arrived! So, I hear you on it being promising if he genuinely does wanna hang out next week, but still - he kind of left me stranded, and I don't think that was cool.

I might see how things go over the next week or so. He's allowed to not fancy me I suppose! I'll keep you posted!

LegacyUser

dont have the talk with him. if he likes you, he would do it, he cant wait to tell you. he's a guy. guys would chase women he likes enough. if he doesnt chase her, he doesnt really like her that much. wait until he likes you enough. but dont wait for him, see other guys as well.

dress up yourself next time when you meet him, suggest to go to a place that is quiet and a bit romantic... and leave other things to him to do. he would do something if he likes you.

HavingCrack

hamby did wrote: »

dont have the talk with him. if he likes you, he would do it, he cant wait to tell you. he's a guy. guys would chase women he likes enough. if he doesnt chase her, he doesnt really like her that much. wait until he likes you enough. but dont wait for him, see other guys as well.

dress up yourself next time when you meet him, suggest to go to a place that is quiet and a bit romantic... and leave other things to him to do. he would do something if he likes you.

Women constantly do this-it really isn't fair on guys :mad: Its the 21st century, if a woman likes a man why can't she approach him. Basically you're advising the OP to do nothing even though she's interested and instead leave all the work up to the man who might be as nervous as the OP about the whole situation. Honestly, its women like you that are the cause of so many confused men out there.

LegacyUser

I learned from my experience. Guys never really treasure the gals who chases him. My exs complained that i should let him do the work and my chasing made him confused whether he really liked me or it's because i chased them. and not just one guy i learned this experience.

maybe i am unlucky that i havent met you yet.

to be fair, i was not advising op do nothing. do you know it's harder to give out signals than tell directly? if i can choose, i would prefer to tell directly. but my experience told me that it's a big no no.

if men can 'man up' to do their work, the relationship would be much happier for both the females and males, generally.

men like chasing, it's implanted. those who doesn't because he is not yet 'man up' for that girl.

now, i would not prefer those who has no guts to tell me their feelings. what they need to do just to start the talk and i would then do my work. i dont think it is too much to ask from a man.

Yes, it's just MY opinions.

HavingCrack wrote: »

Women constantly do this-it really isn't fair on guys :mad: Its the 21st century, if a woman likes a man why can't she approach him. Basically you're advising the OP to do nothing even though she's interested and instead leave all the work up to the man who might be as nervous as the OP about the whole situation. Honestly, its women like you that are the cause of so many confused men out there.

Micahelxcx

Firstly, don't meet him with a gang of friends hanging around. Suggest to him that you both meet up for lunch somewhere and then take it from there.
I wouldn't read anything into the fact that his best friend took him off somewhere last weekend.
If I was in your shoes I would tell him how you feel about him and see what happens. Relax and have fun.

Regarding his take on you having seen how your ex treated you I wouldn't be put off in the slightest. There are a lot of guys who chase their 'ideal' girl and are really nice to her. Once they start going out the guy just treats them like doormats. Don't worry, it's nothing to do with you.

LegacyUser

Micahelxcx wrote: »

There are a lot of guys who chase their 'ideal' girl and are really nice to her. Once they start going out the guy just treats them like doormats. Don't worry, it's nothing to do with you.

That's very true.

but then, most relationships that started from women initiate the talk ended up no good. either the guys querying themselves about the feelings towards the guys or the gals querying themselves about the feelings the guys have to them.

again, i am not asking op to do nothing, but just take it easy and give out hints instead of expressing herself explicitly her feelings towards the guy.

dress up, suggest a quiet dinner next time when the guy suggests to hang out / OP suggests to 'hang out', some touches (on hands)... guys would be able to pick the signals up and do their work if they are interested.

Odaise Gaelach

hamby did wrote: »

but then, most relationships that started from women initiate the talk ended up no good. either the guys querying themselves about the feelings towards the guys or the gals querying themselves about the feelings the guys have to them.

again, i am not asking op to do nothing, but just take it easy and give out hints instead of expressing herself explicitly her feelings towards the guy.

dress up, suggest a quiet dinner next time when the guy suggests to hang out / OP suggests to 'hang out', some touches (on hands)... guys would be able to pick the signals up and do their work if they are interested.

I think that that's a bad idea to assume that the guy will do "their" work for the girl. A lot of guys - myself included - are pretty shy about making the first move. Some - myself included, again - are also bad at picking up the signals.

To quote Delia Koudelka: "Some fellows you have to hit with a brick to get their attention. Some you have to hit with a BIG brick."

I also don't think it's fair to assume that the relationship won't work out because she makes the first move. Relationships end badly for loads of reasons, and not every relationship starts with both parties knowing that they love each other.


In my opinion, Very Close, you should make the first move if you like this guy. If he reciprocates then brilliant. If he doesn't then at least you've tried. You cannot do more than that.