Performance anxiety (and I don't mean in the bedroom ;)

LegacyUser

I seem to spend my life beating myself up, mainly at work.
I work twice as hard as anyone, deliver better result and statistics but find a reason to criticize myself no matter what.

Nothing I do can be good enough even if the boss tells me I do well.
I'd compare myself constantly to my colleagues, like Joe then did 20 so unless I do 60 I'm a failure and worthless as a person. Everyone must be laughing at me and waiting for me to fail I seem to believe. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts often but couldn't imagine what it'd do to my parents, realy that's a lot of why I've never done anything

Management don't put stress on me, it's self imposed!
In the place you have a turnaround time of 90 minutes for a task, feck it I can do it better then almost anyone.
But I operate on the basis I'm going to be fired within 90 minutes and this means working through lunch and I'm scared to leave without checking things multiple times. If everyone checks a report once I must check it 6 times.

Trust me, if you convinced yourself you'd be fired in 90 minutes you'd be stressed and upset too.

A little bit of anxiety can be a good thing I suppose. But I take it to an extreme. If I make a mistake I have a panic attack at the desk, shortness of breath, seems the world closing in on me and a wave of terror overcomes me. I feel very weak also
I've broken down in tears in the disabled toilets many evenings.

I took to drinking most evenings to unwind. Visited the GP, told to kick the booze and exercise. Good advise and I'm working on it. I know nothing about medication.

I understand I cannot ask for medical advice, is this common though?
Even at home, I have to check the door is locked multiple times (10?) and tour the flat several times checking the oven, immersion and windows before going to bed.
Sames goes with locking my bicycle, I don't check the chain once or twice to see it's secure, I could be there for minutes checking it, convinced I've missed something
I just cannot relax

ManOfMystery

My friend used to be the same, it was an obsessive compulsive disorder of sorts. But as we're not allowed to make any medical diagnosis on Boards.ie I'm only telling you what he had - not suggesting it's what you have.

LegacyUser

I can identify with some of what you're saying. I can be very vigilant as an employee, afraid Il be fired, afraid of getting criticised and criticism I take very personally. It can be devastating to me.

Youre life is not the way it can be. I would recommend talk to your GP not just about drinking but about your anxiety. Definitely try some counselling. You sound like an ideal candidate for counselling.