Always second choice?

LegacyUser

My friends are all in relationships, Im the only single one left. Ive found a lot, over the last while, that Im always the back-up or second choice. This has been going on a while, like I said, but it really only hit home recently. The girlfriend of one of my friends went to asia and australia at christmas, she was due to stay 7 or 8 months. Before she went away Id be lucky to hear from this friend once every 3 weeks. A lot of the time, we'd make plans but he'd cancel to be with the girlfriend instead. But when she went to Australia Id hear from him a fair bit. His girlfriend came back early and now I dont see him for dust. I feel like a silly teenager for saying this, but I feel like Ive been used.
And its the same with my other friends, they only contact me when their wives/girlfreinds are away. It seems like Im always second choice.
I dont mind being single, but its not just a case of being without a girlfriend, that I can handle. Im kind of without friends aswell, as a result of being single. Ive been excluded from parties and nights out because Im single. Which makes me feel even more like second choice.
I suppose what Im asking is, Am I being used here, are these bad friends I have or is this the way of the world and I should just accept that I'll always be the back up or second choice to wives/girlfriends?

LegacyUser

You're not being used, although your friends are being fairly sh*tty alright! Get a new circle of friends. Go away with groups on surfing/diving/go karting weekends. Meetup.com is a good website for, you guessed it!, meeting up with people. All sorts of groups on there.

I was the only single one in my group for years. Got sick of sitting in on Sat nights. Started doing things I like to do. If I had someone to go with, good, otherwise I went on my own. Went to plays, gigs, etc. And I'm a woman. It's a bit easier for men to go to pubs etc on their own.
Also went to meet ups using the website I mentioned up above. Got in contact with friends I hadn't seen in years as well. After a month or six weeks of all these different activities, I had a four or five new friends (who were single) to head out with. I still keep in contact with my attached friends-lucky for me in that they're the sort to keep in contact even after they met their partners-but now I'm not sitting at home with the sinking feeling that life is passing me by!

good luck, and the next time your friends call you when they're at a loose end, tell them you're not too happy about being the fall back guy! Maybe it just needs to be pointed out to them!

niceoneted

I know exactly how you feel, I have very few single friends left on the scene. I am was getting fed up always being the one to contact the ones that were attached and low and behold once kids came along it was always having to call to them, some have never called to my house in years as it's not easy with kids blah blah blah. I got sick of always visiting them having to sit in - it's grand for the company but when you want to meet someone it's nice to have the opportunity to be outdoors anywhere where you might meet them.
I have like the last poster started doing things that I like even if on my own, I've even gone on hols on my own. Some people think I am mad others admire it. I am after all not going to be waiting around for someone to hold my hand if there is something I really want to do.
I have made some other single friends over time and the married with kids ones - well a few of them - have gotten thick that I don't call them - on the phone or to the house. I try to tell them that calling is a two way thing but they think because I am single I have all the time to do it. Go figure.
I'm living my life and if they don't want to be along for the friendship ride that's there loss.

LegacyUser

niceoneted wrote: »

I know exactly how you feel, I have very few single friends left on the scene. I am was getting fed up always being the one to contact the ones that were attached and low and behold once kids came along it was always having to call to them, some have never called to my house in years as it's not easy with kids blah blah blah. I got sick of always visiting them having to sit in - it's grand for the company but when you want to meet someone it's nice to have the opportunity to be outdoors anywhere where you might meet them.
I have like the last poster started doing things that I like even if on my own, I've even gone on hols on my own. Some people think I am mad others admire it. I am after all not going to be waiting around for someone to hold my hand if there is something I really want to do.
I have made some other single friends over time and the married with kids ones - well a few of them - have gotten thick that I don't call them - on the phone or to the house. I try to tell them that calling is a two way thing but they think because I am single I have all the time to do it. Go figure.
I'm living my life and if they don't want to be along for the friendship ride that's there loss.

I do lots of stuff on my own, like you said, I dont wait around for someone to hold my hand. My problem is how to deal with the friends who only call when their wives/girlfriends are away. Theres no clear cut protocol or ettiquette. A big part of me wants to tell them to shag off when they come calling, I want to tell them that Im not there to be used only when their other half isnt around. But the problem with that is, Im a man and we cant really say stuff like that to each other. I think it would be more socially acceptable for a woman to take her friend aside and tell her that she thinks shes being used. If I took one of my men friends aside and told him I thought he was using me I'd be laughed at and called a pussy. So its a tricky situation.
I think all I can do is to tell them when they call that Im not available even if I am. Which I know is lying and I hate lies but I think you need to teach people how to treat you. Honestly I think this situation would run the way it is indefinitely, my friends would never cop on that they are using me.

In regards to the meeting of other single people, its not such a straight forward thing. I live my life and I do the things I like to do and I meet people alright but all the people i meet are kind of sorted in the friends department already. And Im not even talking about something as difficult as meeting a girl, im just talking about ordinary friendships. Its rare I meet another single person. And I dont want this to come across as sounding mean or anything but invariably they're a few sausages short of the barbeque. So its hard to meet other single people in a similiar situation, who are in charge of all their faculties.