I feel like my family is falling apart

kronsington

i dont usually do this but im at a a complete loss right now and just need to vent some feelings right now.

basically my family life at the moment is bad as it has ever been. and it was never that great to begin with. i know all families go through bad periods and fight etc but things in our house are very tough at the moment. there is a constant air of tension in the house that recently has started to make me feel physically ill. there is a huge amount of tension between my brother and i.

he is 6 years younger than me and we've never fully got on. he's impossible to talk to, thoughtless, selfish, ignorant, rude and a nightmare for my parents. he's back from college for the summer a weeks and has already been at the centre of numerous fights here. a lot of his sh*t causes fights between my parents, who seem not to get on at all really anymore and it seems they put on a show when people call over.

i would like to have a better relationship with my parents and brother, but i cant seem to make it happen. a lot of the tension in the house is down to me also. im 28 and am out of work at the moment, spend a lot of time at home and my frustrations at not being able to find work right now cause some problems. and its also a case of me not being a good communicator.

ive messed up my life a bit over the last few years with some stupid decisions career wise and have always struggled to move forward with life. but right now i dont know what to do. i dont know if this crap in my family can be rectified. i feel like a burden on my parents sometimes and thats get me depressed. i have friends who are getting engaged and married yet i feel like such a F*cking loser as im nowhere near that stage. ive blown numerous potential relationships through my own bullsh!t also. but its the family situation which is the hardest to deal with. the tension really is constant at the moment.

the brother and i came very close to a punch up last friday. i went away for the weekend with some mates to get away from this and basically drank myself stupid for 2 days and when i got back yesterday basically went straight to bed to avoid everything. i dont know what to do. my mum and i have always been close but we seem to fight more and more as i get older. maybe i was (unintentionally) a bit hard on my brother when i grew up, i just wanted him to do well, maybe i saw a lot of what i didnt like about myself in him, i dont know, i never had a big brother and i tried my best, but i guess i failed. and while i accept my faults in all this, my family members should too.

ive never really seen my parents happy together- my own dad asked me why i hated him once- i never hated him at all, i love him to bits- but something i must have said or did or my general attitude made him feel this, we've never really been close but it wasnt like we never spoke. i feel sort of embarrassed typing this. and i cant talk to my friends bout this. i have one friend who had a very tough upbringing and was basically like another brother in the house when we were growing up so he kind of knows where inm coming from.

but i dont know how much more i can take. it seems like one blow after another. had an interview with a top firm in dublin recently which i really thought might be the break i really need in my life, but i didnt get it. i want to change virtually all aspects of my life cos nothing is going my way. sorry if im a bit incoherent, even typing this is upsetting. i feel at a total loss.

kronsington

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Nevyn

kronsington walls of text are very hard to read and will put people off, so it's not surprising people are not replying.
I suggest you get out of the house more, go to your local library and read teh paper even for an hour to break up the day. Volunteer a few hours with a charity, find out what is on in your area that you can get involved in.
It will get you out of the house, work towards your self esteem and looks good when you go for an interview that you can say you kept yourself busy.