Ex girlfriend, did Ii say the right thing?

LegacyUser

Hey guys, feeling a bit guilty here and i need to know did i do the right thing?

Its about my ex girlfriend who i was going out with for a year and who broke up with me 2 years ago. It didn't end on good terms at all, i was off to america for a summer and that was her reason for breaking up with me, thinking i'd kiss some other girl or more etc etc, she broke up with me over text message and refused to answer my calls, i was heartbroken to say the least after even in the shortness of going out for a year we went through so much together! To add insult to injury after i got back from america i found out she scored with my best friend, I had words with him and her and was extremely angry at her. Then 2 months later i find out she slept with another one of my friends (didn't know him that well just an acquaintance), F*cked her out of it and told her i didn't want to speak or hear from her again, which i didn't for two years, i despised her for a long long time, not bitter just really didn't like the person she was and how i could let myself be involved in a person like that, anyway we both moved on!

Now that that background is said i'll get into the proper stuff, last friday i hear from one of my friends that her sister committed suicide! Now i really wouldn't wish this upon anyone at all it is a horrible thing, and my heart literally broke for her when i heard! I heard friday and the removal was last night,i didn't go as thought it would be very very odd after the things i last said to her, all my friends went as they are friends with my ex too. I was going to give her a quick text to say sorry for your loss to show my respects but i wanted to do it after all the commotion.

She got on to me before i could, last night she text me in the early hours of the morning. She said 'i know you think i deserved everything i got but i'd love to see you her' I gave my apologies and said that i was very sorry to hear, then she wrote back asking for me to ring her she needed to talk. I refused kindly saying i didn't think it was a good idea and that she needs someone that knows her now and that we haven't spoken in 2 years.

She asked again, i refused again.
Was i wrong to to refuse to talk to her when she obviously needed to spill her heart out about her sister? Was i being selfish in thinking i don't know this girl anymore, i can't be put in this position now, i can't be listening to her cry down the phone to me when i don't know her or see her anymore. Was i selfish in thinking i can't be held responsible to be her shoulder to cry on?

By the way she has a boyfriend, so i really don't know why she'd get onto me.
My current girlfriend keeps saying it was the right thing to do but i just feel so selfish and my gut tells me i should have listened to her.

Thanks for reading!

amybabes

hi op,

I think you are right to distance yourself from it, and her. For her sake too.
Maybe send a condolence card to the family, or even just her....tell them how sorry you were that you couldnt make it or something to that effect.

Coming from someone who's been bereaved by suicide - yes it's the hardest thing in the world someone will go through.
It is ongoing, its not just now - i struggle with it still 5 years on.

You're not being selfish. It's hard to know how to be there for someone when something like this happens. It's not your responsibility to carry the burden of it. I hope i don't sound harsh - but i know how awful it is, and the awkardness that other people felt about not knowing what to say to me or do when i broke down about it.

I can honestly say one thing that the whole experience has taught me is to never go to bed on cross words, never end a phone conversation to my family without saying love u, try my damned hardest to apologise for things ive done wrong, be very forgiving - maybe that's what she's trying to do now - mend bridges for her wrongs in the past
If you do forgive her - tell her, if u dont then just leave it at im sorry for your loss. My guessing is that she just wants peace of mind. But don't feel guilty about your choice of action - its an awful emotional burden trying to me there for someone.

Hope this helps mate, a x

LegacyUser

Don't want to sound preachy, but the next time your ego or pride is wounded, think twice before you f*ck someone out of it. Always remember that everyone, without exception, will feel the harshness of life at one stage or another. No-one escapes.

I would go to meet her just once, and make it clear to her that it will only be the once. She is at a very raw stage in her grief, she has asked for your help (which isn't a necessarily easy thing to do) and your presence might be of some sort of comfort to her in this awful stage. It is ultimately up to her to get through this, but a well placed shoulder at the right time might give her the strength to face up to it all.

LegacyUser

amybabes wrote: »

hi op,

I think you are right to distance yourself from it, and her. For her sake too.
Maybe send a condolence card to the family, or even just her....tell them how sorry you were that you couldnt make it or something to that effect.

Coming from someone who's been bereaved by suicide - yes it's the hardest thing in the world someone will go through.
It is ongoing, its not just now - i struggle with it still 5 years on.

You're not being selfish. It's hard to know how to be there for someone when something like this happens. It's not your responsibility to carry the burden of it. I hope i don't sound harsh - but i know how awful it is, and the awkardness that other people felt about not knowing what to say to me or do when i broke down about it.

I can honestly say one thing that the whole experience has taught me is to never go to bed on cross words, never end a phone conversation to my family without saying love u, try my damned hardest to apologise for things ive done wrong, be very forgiving - maybe that's what she's trying to do now - mend bridges for her wrongs in the past
If you do forgive her - tell her, if u dont then just leave it at im sorry for your loss. My guessing is that she just wants peace of mind. But don't feel guilty about your choice of action - its an awful emotional burden trying to me there for someone.

Hope this helps mate, a x

Thanks Amy! I know a lot of people that go through that realization of being forgiving and amend all their mistakes and it often happens after a loved one died! I know one friend that was a total pr*ck before pardon my french! but now he's the most loving guy ever!
I went through that realization too months ago and tried to make amends with old friends that i cut, etc.

I did tell her last night what happened happened and i don't hold any grudge as to what happened we both moved on! But i really don't think it was about that last night, i helped her a lot when her granddad died and she said she couldn't of got through it without my help so maybe she's looking for me to do the same with her for her sister?

I just felt very rotten and insensitive for refusing to speak to somebody who obviously needed to reach out! I put it in the nicest way possible and was very comforting afterwards saying goodbye! I really do hope she'll be ok but i don't think i can be responsible to listen to her when she's upset when i don't talk to her anymore and especially since we are both in relationships now!

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

Don't want to sound preachy, but the next time your ego or pride is wounded, think twice before you f*ck someone out of it. Always remember that everyone, without exception, will feel the harshness of life at one stage or another. No-one escapes.

I would go to meet her just once, and make it clear to her that it will only be the once. She is at a very raw stage in her grief, she has asked for your help (which isn't a necessarily easy thing to do) and your presence might be of some sort of comfort to her in this awful stage. It is ultimately up to her to get through this, but a well placed shoulder at the right time might give her the strength to face up to it all.

Thanks, i do realize that when i f*cked her out of it 2 years ago i was being very childish/ immature and not thinking straight, i was just so hurt after her getting with 2 of my friends and breaking up over text message and not in person i had no respect for her!

I am older and wiser now so if i could go back i would be more civil about it with less swearing!

Maybe, i could meet her just once but in no way could we be friends or her shoulder, we're past that! Just to mention to she wasn't always apologetic and trying to be friends with me over the years she learned to despise me too, so i'm fairly shocked over the situation!

amybabes

honestly my ex was there for me when it happened to me........ and could not have got through it with out him. then we broke up and a lot of horrible things were said and done.....
even after that, when my dog died (had him 11 years) i was so upset and he was the first one i instinctively texted asking if i could see him. he didn't even write back saying no and it was so hard. At the time i felt him ignoring me when he knew how much i loved that dog was cruel and inhumane.

But now i'm thankful - i would have relied on him for every time i was upset and that wasn't his responsibility, nor would it have been good for me ro be so dependant and keep holding onto the past.

Don't be so hard on yourself

muinteoir09

For what it's worth OP, I think you did the right thing. Don't beat yourself up about it and certainly don't feel guilty. You have to do what is right for you (and your current girlfriend), not for your ex of 2 years.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your replies people, ye put my mind to rest!

Cullen82

There's no question about how terrible it is what has happened in this girls life but I think the opinions so far have said just about everything you need to know - You definitely did the right thing mate.

Wagon

RIGHTTHING? wrote: »

Maybe, i could meet her just once but in no way could we be friends or her shoulder, we're past that! Just to mention to she wasn't always apologetic and trying to be friends with me over the years she learned to despise me too, so i'm fairly shocked over the situation!

I wouldn't meet her. I would forgive her over the past just in case it might put her mind at rest somehow. But based on these past actions, i wouldn't meet her. Regardless of who died, she broke up with you 2 years ago and made that decision to cut you out of her life. She can't use you for emotional support 2 years on. She has a boyfriend for that.

I agree with your missus on this one. You absolutely did the right thing.

Denimgirl

RIGHTTHING? wrote: »

Hey guys, feeling a bit guilty here and i need to know did i do the right thing?

Its about my ex girlfriend who i was going out with for a year and who broke up with me 2 years ago. It didn't end on good terms at all, i was off to america for a summer and that was her reason for breaking up with me, thinking i'd kiss some other girl or more etc etc, she broke up with me over text message and refused to answer my calls, i was heartbroken to say the least after even in the shortness of going out for a year we went through so much together! To add insult to injury after i got back from america i found out she scored with my best friend, I had words with him and her and was extremely angry at her. Then 2 months later i find out she slept with another one of my friends (didn't know him that well just an acquaintance), F*cked her out of it and told her i didn't want to speak or hear from her again, which i didn't for two years, i despised her for a long long time, not bitter just really didn't like the person she was and how i could let myself be involved in a person like that, anyway we both moved on!

Now that that background is said i'll get into the proper stuff, last friday i hear from one of my friends that her sister committed suicide! Now i really wouldn't wish this upon anyone at all it is a horrible thing, and my heart literally broke for her when i heard! I heard friday and the removal was last night,i didn't go as thought it would be very very odd after the things i last said to her, all my friends went as they are friends with my ex too. I was going to give her a quick text to say sorry for your loss to show my respects but i wanted to do it after all the commotion.

She got on to me before i could, last night she text me in the early hours of the morning. She said 'i know you think i deserved everything i got but i'd love to see you her' I gave my apologies and said that i was very sorry to hear, then she wrote back asking for me to ring her she needed to talk. I refused kindly saying i didn't think it was a good idea and that she needs someone that knows her now and that we haven't spoken in 2 years.

She asked again, i refused again.
Was i wrong to to refuse to talk to her when she obviously needed to spill her heart out about her sister? Was i being selfish in thinking i don't know this girl anymore, i can't be put in this position now, i can't be listening to her cry down the phone to me when i don't know her or see her anymore. Was i selfish in thinking i can't be held responsible to be her shoulder to cry on?

By the way she has a boyfriend, so i really don't know why she'd get onto me.
My current girlfriend keeps saying it was the right thing to do but i just feel so selfish and my gut tells me i should have listened to her.

Thanks for reading!

It was the WRONG thing to do IMHO, she knew you obviously knew her sister and don;t think it was for any other reason both of you have moved on but sounds like you have'nt gotten over all the silly stuff that happened in the PAST now supposed to mean nothing! and obviously your gf thought it was a good idea she does'nt want you talking to your ex that you have a history with!I'd personally would give her a call that was a bad thing to do mate!be a bit more mature and stop living in the past she just wanted to chat to you!I would'nt meet up with her just give her a call to give your condolences and some support you have your own life now.

S23

You did absolutely nothing wrong. You are not beholden to be there for every person you've ever dated in your life when something goes wrong.

Every single one of us will suffer with something in their personal life at some stage but its up to the people we are surrounded by at the time to see us through those phases not some previous flame that you haven't even spoken to in 2 years.

I wouldn't worry about having given her an earful back a couple of years ago. Not the most mature thing to do but understandable all the same. It was a very minor thing and the pair of you went your seperate ways after that.

Of course you have enough empathy in you to feel sorry for her situation but you don't need to, nor should you IMO, get yourself involved any deeper than to pass on your condolences to her and her family.

m@cc@

Denimgirl wrote: »

It was the WRONG thing to do IMHO, she knew you obviously knew her sister and don;t think it was for any other reason both of you have moved on but sounds like you have'nt gotten over all the silly stuff that happened in the PAST now supposed to mean nothing! and obviously your gf thought it was a good idea she does'nt want you talking to your ex that you have a history with!I'd personally would give her a call that was a bad thing to do mate!be a bit more mature and stop living in the past she just wanted to chat to you!I would'nt meet up with her just give her a call to give your condolences and some support you have your own life now.

Unless you the know the girl in question, you don't know what she wants. The OP doesn't owe this girl anything and if she doesn't have the support she needs, that's really her own business.

There has been no attempt on her part to reconcile in the two years previous, it's really not a good idea to do it when she is in such a vunerable state. And especially if it in anyway compromises his current relationship, it's even more ridculous.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

I think you did the right thing...risk causing tension in your current relationship because an ex that slept with your mates two years ago wants to bypass her friends, family and current beau & latch onto you for comfort? I think you are well past the point of owing her a shoulder to cry on. As awful as dealing with suicide is, you shouldn't feel bad for telling her you don't want to be her support.

Best of luck.

Denimgirl

m@cc@ wrote: »

Unless you the know the girl in question, you don't know what she wants. The OP doesn't owe this girl anything and if she doesn't have the support she needs, that's really her own business.

There has been no attempt on her part to reconcile in the two years previous, it's really not a good idea to do it when she is in such a vunerable state. And especially if it in anyway compromises his current relationship, it's even more ridculous.

when she asked him to call her twice and he said no IMO was wrong she just wanted to speak with him after her sister died!not get back together!!I'm sure if she wanted him back she would have called him in much different circumstances and not wait 2 years he mentioned she has a bf also.everybody has an opnion and that was my opinion!I'm sure you don;t know the girl in question either!

m@cc@

Denimgirl wrote: »

when she asked him to call her twice and he said no IMO was wrong she just wanted to speak with him after her sister died!

And he chose not to as he wouldn't feel comfortable. As I said he doesn't owe her anything.

Denimgirl

m@cc@ wrote: »

And he chose not to as he wouldn't feel comfortable. As I said he doesn't owe her anything.

Yes and the reason why he's on here is because he's asking for people opinions if he did the right thing and in MY opinion i don't think he did i reckon he should have spoke to her!my opinion was for the op ,I don't question other peoples opinions if they don't agree with mine everybody is different!

LYDIABANK

I think it was a bit selfish of you to be honest, im sure your a really nice person but you could have made her feel ALOT better, suicide is an awful thing, its not like dying from natural causes,the thought of your sister commiting suicide and the helplesness your ex feels must be brutal. your ex could feel a deeper connection with you than she does with her present boyfriend and feels you could probably understand more. A suicide in a family can make you do desperate things and i think you really need to recognise that. what your ex did was a number of years ago,ye have both groen up and moved on, what she feels now is probably 10 times worse than what you felt. what is so hard in accepting the call? you probably wouldn be this bothered if you let her confide in you. im sorry if it seems like im having a go at you but you could really help her.

Micahelxcx

You should have called her. Regardless of the past she asked you for help. I have a basic rule regarding people, exes, etc. Treat them as I would like them to treat me.
She wasn't asking you to go back with her. She obviously still has feelings for you and likes you.
Yes she has moved on, yes she hurt you. But from reading your message she slept with your two friends or whatever after you and her broke up. That's her business, not yours.
She lost her sister to suicide. Put yourself in her situation. She wanted to talk with you, maybe to chat about things past.
Be there for her. Don't be analysing it too much.
Very recently, a girl who broke up with me and hurt me and didn't want to even be my friend had a puncture on the M50. She wasn't in the AA and didn't know what to do. She called me and asked me nicely if I would help her.
I drove to the M50 near the CAvan exit and I fixed her tyre.
We both went our seperate ways and she thanked me.
Two days later she posted me a lovely card with a gift voucher attached.
She said she was so sorry for the way she treated me and asked that we could be friends. She explained she was under lots of pressure at the time she ended it.
I called her and thanked her for the voucher and kind words. We met for a coffee afterwards. She said she regretted what she did and only realised what a kind personn I was by my actions.
We now keep in contact. Nothing will ever come of it 'cos I have moved on.
Last time we met she said goodbye to me with tears in her eyes.
My point here to always give people a break. You never know what is going on in their lives to make them act a certain way towards you. Just be there for them.

Wagon

Micahelxcx wrote: »

You should have called her. Regardless of the past she asked you for help. I have a basic rule regarding people, exes, etc. Treat them as I would like them to treat me.
She wasn't asking you to go back with her. She obviously still has feelings for you and likes you.
Yes she has moved on, yes she hurt you. But from reading your message she slept with your two friends or whatever after you and her broke up. That's her business, not yours.
She lost her sister to suicide. Put yourself in her situation. She wanted to talk with you, maybe to chat about things past.

She has a boyfriend for that. not a ex of 2 years.

LYDIABANK

Wagon wrote: »

She has a boyfriend for that. not a ex of 2 years.

Well there must be a reason why she feels the need to confide in her ex boyfriend? i agree two years is a long time but isnt there always that person we will always have something for.

Ickle Magoo

LYDIABANK wrote: »

Well there must be a reason why she feels the need to confide in her ex boyfriend? i agree two years is a long time but isnt there always that person we will always have something for.

I suppose it depends which side you are looking at...while one party may feel something the other may feel complete apathy, maybe even dislike an ex if it was an acrimonious break-up...

Why should someone have to be at anyone's beck and call and risk the harmony of their own life because once upon a time they dated? She's having to deal with an awful event, granted, but she has a boyfriend, she has family, she has friends - I don't think it's fair to expect anyone to drop everything and see or speak to their ex regardless of what's happened to their ex and irrespective of why they are ex's...so while I accept she must have her reasons for contacting the OP, I think the OP has equally valid reasons for rejecting contact.

magotch07

i think you defo did the right thing....keep your distance....as you said you dont know her now so someone how does would be better for her to talk to

LYDIABANK

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I suppose it depends which side you are looking at...while one party may feel something the other may feel complete apathy, maybe even dislike an ex if it was an acrimonious break-up...

Why should someone have to be at anyone's beck and call and risk the harmony of their own life because once upon a time they dated? She's having to deal with an awful event, granted, but she has a boyfriend, she has family, she has friends - I don't think it's fair to expect anyone to drop everything and see or speak to their ex regardless of what's happened to their ex and irrespective of why they are ex's...so while I accept she must have her reasons for contacting the OP, I think the OP has equally valid reasons for rejecting contact.

It was 2 years ago, he is completely over her. He didn't mention that this would affect his current relationship. The ex has never tried to contact him before so he is not at her every beck and call and he is not dropping everything. It is only a phone call, not a date. The OP obviously feels guilty in some way for not accepting her call or else he wouldn't be on this. I think to put his own mind at rest he should talk to her, if she then makes a habit of it then i would simply tell her its not a good idea for her to become dependant on him. Bearing in mind this is the 1st time that she has tried to contact him.I think he should give her a chance. I suppose neither of us can really judge him as its hard to know exactly how he feels. We should all put ourselves in both positions. In my opinion i think where ever there is an opportunity to help someone in need , we should take it.

Ickle Magoo

The OP said he didn't like her and that his current gf wasn't enamoured with the idea of him being his ex's shoulder to cry on - that means it would be impacting on his current relationship & risks setting a precedent that he clearly doesn't want to encourage. Of course giving someone who is grieving anything they want is the uber nice thing to do but if he puts his gf concerns to one side just to talk to someone he doesn't really know any more and didn't like 2yrs ago then he's puting his ex before himself and the people currently in his life for someone who treated him pretty shoddily two yrs ago...which is crazy.

Let's be fair to the OP, calling someone you dumped by text 2yrs ago and expecting them want to support you is asking a lot...too much, imo. I like the idea of helping anyone you can where appropriate - I don't think asking an ex who is in new relationship to support you when you have others to do the job is appropriate...though I suspect bearing in mind the bad news she has had, appropriate behaviour/how the OP is feeling is last thing on her mind...and perhaps all the more reason why the OP is justified in stressing he's not the right person for the job?

m@cc@

Micahelxcx wrote: »

Yes she has moved on, yes she hurt you. But from reading your message she slept with your two friends or whatever after you and her broke up. That's her business, not yours.

I wouldn't consider doing anything with my ex's close friends unless I was really into them. There's just an unwritten code of conduct with friends (granted the friends aren't much cop either to have slept with her).

If the OP is no longer friends with the ex and has no contact with her, is it really ok that she only makes proper contact when SHE needs him? She has made decisions in her life that she needs to live by. Sleeping with a close friend of his and cutting contact has consequences. You can't treat people like that. If the OP doesn't feel in his heart he wants to be there, then it's perfectly understandable.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I think you did the right thing. You have genuine reason to be pissed off at her for what she did when you broke up with her. She probably wants you to forgive her. It would be hard for you to say you don't forgive her with what's just happened so you're best keeping a distance, at least in the short term.

Wagon

LYDIABANK wrote: »

Well there must be a reason why she feels the need to confide in her ex boyfriend? i agree two years is a long time but isnt there always that person we will always have something for.

Yes. A boyfriend and she has one. She broke up with the OP and slept with his friends. And i say "friends" loosly.

m@cc@ wrote: »

If the OP is no longer friends with the ex and has no contact with her, is it really ok that she only makes proper contact when SHE needs him? She has made decisions in her life that she needs to live by. Sleeping with a close friend of his and cutting contact has consequences. You can't treat people like that. If the OP doesn't feel in his heart he wants to be there, then it's perfectly understandable.

Completely agree with this.

I think some people forget that when you break up with someone, you actually break up with them. She clearly didn't need the OP 2 years ago and proved that by breaking up. But it's never fair to go back to someone and want some support *regardless of how awful it is) after absolutely no contact since then. She has friends, a boyfriend and family for that. The OP isn't any of those and that's the way he wants to keep it.

LYDIABANK

To be honest i'm actually really surprised with the amount of people thinking he did the right thing, But everyone is different i know. Ive talked to at least 4 other people i know and they said that he should have talked to her, but thats neither here nor there.I just personally wouldn't have the heart to say no to lending an ear. They only went out for a year, im sure they were only teens as wel? thats just a guess obviously. I saw a comment that someone said "he doesn't owe her anything" - for me, thats summing up what everyone is saying in favour of the op. Its not about owing her anything . Forgive and forget, theres no point holding a grudge over something that happened over two years ago. Im sure most of us have been through a few things with some people, including myself, but it was 2 years ago and it wasnt even that bad. Holding a grudge isnt healthy. be the bigger person.Anyway i could talk and talk about this..

cheekyass

The OP knows the situation better then any of us, and he made a decision which he thought was for the best......that, to me, is the right thing to do.

Denimgirl

cheekyass wrote: »

The OP knows the situation better then any of us, and he made a decision which he thought was for the best......that, to me, is the right thing to do.

Yeah but he feels guilty for a reason and he did say his gut feeling was to speak with her

Liam Byrne

LYDIABANK wrote: »

Well there must be a reason why she feels the need to confide in her ex boyfriend? i agree two years is a long time but isnt there always that person we will always have something for.

She didn't appear to have anything for him (not even basic human respect) when she broke up by text.

That's not petty, or holding a grudge, or revenge.....it's just a fact.

LYDIABANK

Liam Byrne wrote: »

She didn't appear to have anything for him (not even basic human respect) when she broke up by text.

That's not petty, or holding a grudge, or revenge.....it's just a fact.

She didnt appear to have anything for him.....thats a bit of a general statement, we are only hearing one side of the story.

m@cc@

LYDIABANK wrote: »

She didnt appear to have anything for him.....thats a bit of a general statement, we are only hearing one side of the story.

Notice the poster said 'appear'. Well what else are we to base our opinions on, her side of the story? We've been giving a serious of statements and offered advice based on that, this isn't Dr.Phil. It's not for us to speculate what has or hasn't went on.

LYDIABANK

m@cc@ wrote: »

Well what else are we to base our opinions on, her side of the story? We've been giving a serious of statements and offered advice based on that, this isn't Dr.Phil.

i said it because he was going on about facts, then he made a statement that we dont know is true , i dont need to be told that this isnt dr.phil, but thanks anyway.

m@cc@

LYDIABANK wrote: »

i said it because he was going on about facts, then he made a statement that we dont know is true , i dont need to be told that this isnt dr.phil, but thanks anyway.

'appear' is an opinion where I'm from.

LYDIABANK

m@cc@ wrote: »

'appear' is an opinion where I'm from.

no offence but i dont really care and im not bothered challenging you, it was for someone else!!

Ickle Magoo

His gut feeling was to say no, wasn't it - because that's what he did - twice. It was only after the fact he felt bad and thought perhaps he should have. I think it's just a big grey area and there is no real right or wrong but going on his instinct to say no at the time and his reasons why, I think he did the right thing.

I think it's only natural for anyone with an ounce of compassion to think in hindsight they could've/should've/would've done anything to help someone who is upset but equally, it's not difficult to understand why someone you have treated badly in the past while romantically involved with is hardly going to be jumping at the opportunity to offer the milk of human kindness - for all manner of reasons, I don't think bearing a grudge has anything to do with it. The request obviously made the OP feel awkward and it felt inappropriate, or he would have spoken to her and we wouldn't be having this discussion.