I can't find a reason to live

Anon_IRL.Joe

I just can't find a reason to live anymore. I've mentioned before all my issues in other threads I made but I've reached a point now in thinking that the longer I live, the worse I feel and the quicker I want to be out of it. I've been taking ADs for about nearly two months now and going through counselling but I don't feel any different. My AD dose steadily increased from 5 mg, 10 mg and then my counsellor saw that I should go to 20 mg last week. I haven't started on the 20 as today is meant to be the first day I take it but I don't want to take it anymore. I used to want to help myself and try and cheer myself up by doing the things I enjoy but I don't enjoy them anymore so I don't see any point in helping myself. To put it briefly, I'm depressed, heartbroken, I don't see any positives to myself or in anything I do and I don't see a future for myself in anything. My counsellor told me to think of the positives but I really can't see them.

The only reason I chose not to kill myself before was because of my father. I love him dearly and when I had mentioned doing it before, he said that it would kill him so I didn't do it in the end. Now though, my mind is leaning towards the thinking that it will devastate him but he will move on. You're all probably wondering why I'm posting this if I already made the decision to do it but I guess I did it as a sort of last hope by seeing things differently.

amdublin

Please talk to someone.

Please ring your counsellor. Or you father. Or a friend.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Please ring someone and talk to them.

You sound like you are working on getting better (taking medication, seeing a counsellor). Don't give up now. Things might seem bad now but it will get better. You can do it. You will feel better.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi Joe

I'm so sorry that you feel this way and I have been suicidal on two occasions (once was because xanax didn't suit me and the other time I just couldn't adjust to my life and felt hopeless but both were brought on by severe heartbreak). Luckily I was able to pull myself out of it. I think mostly because I have a dog and I knew that if anything happened to me then the dog would be put back into awful kennels and i love him so much and couldn't do that to him. That may sound silly to you but its genuine.

What are you doing in your everyday life? I think the key to a good life is giving, not getting. I always thought I'd be happy if I got certain things but thats not necessarily true. You should try giving your time to something worthy and learn to appreciate small things. I know this probably sounds like bull right now but I feel for you and want to offer even some advice.

I've always hated hearing when someone has commited suicide but at my lowest point, it seemed do-able and thats not a good place to be. Maybe your counsellor isn't matched well to you. Telling you to look at the positives is a bit dismissive to me tbh. I think you should try someone else who specialises in more serious cases.

Its good that you've written here. It means that something inside you says 'hold on, this isn't right' and its more than your dad. Its something within you.

What stuff have you enjoyed doing in the past?

zxcvbnm1

My sister was in a similar opsition befire. she suffered from depressiion fior years. attempted suicide etc. COuldn't hold down a job.

One day she found that a mix of ADs just worked for her.
Although she is not entirely sure if it is the ADs or was it just her getting better naturally.
(she had been in a few various hospitals)

She has never been happier than she is now.
She can hold down a job, she is in a a relationship and now out of debt also.
She can actually look back on one day when it all changed.
(She got hysterical crying with her situation that day - and from then on she just seemed to get stronger and stronger)

My point is, people do get better. Obviously every case is different but there's n o reason why it can't happen to you either OP.
WHat you need is hope. I can understand how you lose hope in the meds - but try the new upped dosage. Also -explain exactly how you feel to your counsellor.
Otherpeople cant necessarily work miracles - but they can help.

Micahelxcx

Your counsellor should not be prescribing the dosage of medication for you that is up to your GP.
Do not increase any dosage of medication before getting the ok from your GP.
Talk to your GP about how you are feeling.

LegacyUser

Re the meds. the last time I had a depressive episode he upped the meds to 15mg. Then to 20mg. It was only when I was on the 20mg for a while that I felt good again.
Keep the hope alive. Talk to someone. Its one thing having a counsellor. But its good also if you can have a family member or friend to talk things through with when you really feel like your struggling. Youre doing everything you can to lift out of this. It will happen. Keep us posted.

pwd

Some ADs cause an increase in suicide ideation in a small portion of patients. Not a doctor or anything, but it sounds like maybe the medication doesn't suit you. Whether or not it's making you worse, it doesn't sound like it's making you any better.

Your father might not move on at all if you do decide to kill yourself. Depressive tendencies are largely hereditary and I can't think of many things more likely to cause depression than the suicide of your offspring. It's pretty horrifying to hear of anyone at all killing themselves really.

WesternNight

You said that you think your father will be devastated but will move on. No parent ever, ever, ever gets over losing a child. It just doesn't happen. He may get to a point where he can live a seemingly normal life, but really he'll be heartbroken and that won't go away.

I know it seems like there are no more options. There are many medications out there and it's not a case of "one pill fits all". It's a matter of finding the right one for you, and unfortunately that can take a while. But there are always options.

I'd also suggest trying out different counsellors because finding the right one of those can make a lot of difference as well.

I really hope you find something that works for you.

George Orwell 1982

Have you tried cognitive behavioural therapy?

Your Dad is right, if you died it would be the worst thing that could happen for him. Its good you can talk to your dad about being depressed and that he supports you.

You have only being taking meds and getting counselling for two months. Thats a very short time. Stick with it. I know it feels totally helpless but just hang in there until you talk to the professionals about how you feel.

LegacyUser

Your post is only a cry for help and realy, since you are seeing a GP you already know about medication and different organizations that may help you
So make use of them

Realy OP, if you were going to commit suicide you wouldn't have posted your problems on multiple threads on Irelands most popular forum. You would have done it already

You know the options, do nothing drastic and get the help you need

Bob the Builder

Three friends of mine have hung themselves. Two in the space of a week.

Their families have never moved on. And will never move on.

I can remember watching a crying father stumbling into an abandoned building to be brought to see where his son was hanging from a rope. And then the ambulance personnel carrying out a stretcher with a body bag on it. The memory etched in my mind forever. Your father will never move on. He will never get over it. The most he'll ever be able to do is come to terms with it, if even that.

I'll be honest here. In my experience, Counselling does sweet feck all for anybody in the grand scheme of things. All a counsellor does is try to encourage you to seek a solution yourself. I think you should remove yourself from where you are and go somewhere far away - whether to the other side of the country or the other side of the world. But if you are not enjoying the things you used to enjoy, then try doing things that you have never tried before and you may be able to see things in a whole new perspective.

I've never taken AD's but from what I've seen of other people, they are all hit and miss. Some will work and some won't. It's a matter for you to experiment and see what best suits you, and which helps you to feel better, faster.

At the end of the day, of my three friends who died by suicide, I think that every single one of them would come back to life if they had a chance. What may have sounded like a good idea at the time, I'm sure they would have a far different perspective on it now. If you die by suicide then you have allowed life to beat you.

I am asking you, I am begging you, to please think about what you are doing. The decision is ultimately yours. But please, think about what you are doing to both yourself and other people. I know you are not making the decision light-heartedly, but such is the seriousness of what you are considering, there would be no turning back.

LegacyUser

The only real advice I can offer to you is that while life has no meaning, and while suicide is your choice, there is is always a capacity/prospect of change. You don't have this when you aren't alive. I suggest you try to keep depressive state under the rug, because admission of depression can have severe implications for job/insurance prospects among other things. It ain't easy at all, but you have to at least pretend everything is ok. Maybe your doctor, but don't ever mention it outside a very small group of people. People in general could use this as a "black mark" against you so to speak. Hang in there OP.

Denimgirl

Hi OP,You mentioned your heart broken,did you know thave a bad break up?You know everybody has had been depressed at some point in their lives but not a lot of people admit it,some bounce back quicker then others but everybody does eventually bounce back,Please stay positive you will get there,try meditation the mind is very powerful try to awaken your dreams and aspirations.stay away from negatative people and situations/news etc;you need to build your inner strength up and look after you!Life can be tough but it is wonderful and you have so so much to live for!The fact that you took action to overcome this chapter of your life is fantastic your doing great!you taking control and you really are a fighter!Keep at it your future is bright and you will soon realise this yourself!xxx

pajodublin

Hi OP

I've been there (except for the meds)
The only difference for me is that i could not talk to my family about it
My friends listened to my crap for such a long time
I persevered and got through it and i couldnt be happier than i am now

There is hope OP
Please keep your chin up. Your solution is out there somewhere
Take care

LegacyUser

Don't kill yourself OP, your poor father would be heartbroken. Is he the only family you have to turn to? then you must be all he has too? You don't mention your mother, so I am guessing its just you and your dad?

Go and talk to your dad again, tell him how bad you feel. Maybe the two of you can do something together to take you mind off things. I know when you are totally depressed its the last thing you want to do. But getting up and getting out of the house can be literally a breath of fresh air. Maybe take a walk with your dad, have a chat and maybe talk about plans for the future, not about how bleak things are now.

I'm trying to be more positive, but I'm stuck in a black hole myself right now. I'm looking into CBT.

And someone before me said about findin the right AD for you? That is a good idea, as I was on prozac before and it did nothing for me.

Good luck and know that life is not always going to be this bad.

castle

Look at that great person in the mirror that is a great reason to live, best of luck

Anon_IRL.Joe wrote: »

I just can't find a reason to live anymore. I've mentioned before all my issues in other threads I made but I've reached a point now in thinking that the longer I live, the worse I feel and the quicker I want to be out of it. I've been taking ADs for about nearly two months now and going through counselling but I don't feel any different. My AD dose steadily increased from 5 mg, 10 mg and then my counsellor saw that I should go to 20 mg last week. I haven't started on the 20 as today is meant to be the first day I take it but I don't want to take it anymore. I used to want to help myself and try and cheer myself up by doing the things I enjoy but I don't enjoy them anymore so I don't see any point in helping myself. To put it briefly, I'm depressed, heartbroken, I don't see any positives to myself or in anything I do and I don't see a future for myself in anything. My counsellor told me to think of the positives but I really can't see them.

The only reason I chose not to kill myself before was because of my father. I love him dearly and when I had mentioned doing it before, he said that it would kill him so I didn't do it in the end. Now though, my mind is leaning towards the thinking that it will devastate him but he will move on. You're all probably wondering why I'm posting this if I already made the decision to do it but I guess I did it as a sort of last hope by seeing things differently.