Did I do the right thing?

LegacyUser

This has been playing on my mind for a little while and I feel very guilty about it.

When I was in my teens I was in an abusive relationship for a few years. It ended on his terms and after some counselling and a couple of other relationships I can now say I'm well and truly over it. I am currently in a very loving relationship with a wonderful man who knows a small bit about the abuse but no big details. I don't feel I need to talk about it anymore. As far as I'm concerned it's now something in my past that I learned from and nothing more.

A few weeks ago my ex emailed me essentially saying he was attending counselling and in order to help him could I outline exactly what he did and how it affected me. I told my current OH and he hit the roof, telling me I shouldn't reply and gave me some very good reasons why I shouldn't. However I couldn't really get it off my mind. I emailed back to my ex, just outlining a couple of things and then told him I wished him the best and was happy he was seeking counselling but not to reply and not to contact me again. So far he hasn't and I'm not expecting him to.

At the moment now I'm racked with guilt over going behind my OH's back and replying. I don't want to come clean and say I replied because it will just hurt him and he'll think I'm a fool for doing it. He thinks my ex has no right to ask me to do something like that and he's probably right, but something about the email just got to me and I decided what the hell, if he's being genuine, I'll do what I can to help, and if he's trying to hurt me, then it hasn't worked.

Did I do the right thing? What would you have done in this scenario?

DontYaThink

Hi OP

I can understand where you boyfriend is coming from, you owe your ex nothing and why should you "help" him when he treated you the way he did. And maybe he thought it would drag it all back up.

I also understand where you're coming from, not only did you get the chance to tell him exactly how he treated you but you also felt like it was good that he was seeking help. And in a way, showed him that you were over it ad he can't hurt you anymore.

You can see now that he knows he was wrong in the way he treated you which was good for you to hear.

I don't think what you did was right or wrong, it was entirely up to you. You weren't betraying anyone by sending that mail. Maybe you needed to do it for yourself?

What's done is done now, don't be too hard on yourself. You felt it was the right thing for you to do so it obviously was.

My friend was in a similar situation with an ex of hers, when he went for help he text her out of the blue to apologise for the way he was in the realtionship. She accepted his apology and moved on with her life - she was also seeing someone else. It's all part of the process apparently.

I wouldn't tell your boyfriend, there's no need. Just try to forget it and move forwards, you've nothing to feel gulity about.

LegacyUser

Thank you I think that exactly what I needed to hear. All I can do now is move on and be thankful I have a great boyfriend and at the very least an apologetic ex

KillerKity

If anything OP I think it shows how far you've come. You proved to yourself that you moved on from this abusive man and you had the strength to deal with him again.

While I understand where your current man is coming from I agree it's something you needed to do so don't feel bad about it.

Hope all works out for you

Miss Fluff

DontYaThink wrote: »

I don't think what you did was right or wrong, it was entirely up to you. You weren't betraying anyone by sending that mail. Maybe you needed to do it for yourself?

Agreed. You did what felt right at the time. You have to go with your gut. I think him contacting you and you responding is the final ever chapter for you in your dealings with this man and that's worth rejoicing. Go easy on yourself.