How to pull?

LegacyUser

howdy, im a 19 year old man and i'm looking for a bit of advice...i know this question has come up before but still....so im 19, go out fairly often, yet can't get a girl..the thing i do when i go out is dance on the dancefloor, act confident and dance around a group of girls or one single girl, sometimes they look at me then look away quickly, some dont look at me at all....

thing is you might say you need to start chatting to girls, well why does the whole dancefloor thing work for alot of lads and not for others....i dont drink so its hard to get the balls to appraoch women, in fact ive never approached a girl on a night out...for a few reasons,firstly...i dotn know what to say to them, could say "hi hows things?" etc but i do be thinking that shes thinking "he's tryin to chat me up" or "he thinks he has a chance with me" or "please get me away quick"...

also there has been a few occasions when im dancing on the dancefloor where girls i.e, last night i was dancing on the dance area in a pub and there were 3 tall girls, gorgeous girls now and i was dancing and one of them felt my hair, then the other kinda threw herself towards me and they all started laughin with each other....then there was another incident that night where i was dancing near this girl and she pointed to her friend as if "will u get with her?" but her friend wasnt interested...

there has been a few occasions like that, what do they do it for, i don't look funny and i don't look funny dancing as far as i know...why do girls do it?!??!

so basically how do ya get confidence to approach women, what do you say to them and any other tips you have share them please...from a 19 year old lad whos never kissed a girl

LD 50

Niteclubs can be fairly hard places to pull. The loud music makes trying to talk to one another difficult and awkward, since you basically are shouting in each others ears. Not the best way to chat someone up. And at least one of you will be drunk. As you don't drink, it won't be you. I'm guessing you don't smoke either. No harm, but you can't really ask her, 'coming out for a cigarette?'.

The girls you described sound childish and immature. Then again one of them could be interested. It's hard to say. The only way you can get the courage to do it, is to just do it. Sounds silly, but that's the way it works. Like with the girl who asked if you'd get with her friend, you could have said something like 'your friend doesn't seem to want to. How about you?' I know it's difficult to think of these things on the spot though.

Other advice that's good is to join a club or group. Something that interests you. You can meet new people, if you're lucky you'll meet someone that you like and ask her out.

There is no how to guide. Just be yourself.

kjl

LD 50 wrote: »

Niteclubs can be fairly hard places to pull.

Yeah, you are right, noooobody every pulls in a niteclub.

Silverfish

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Thank you.

LegacyUser

hes right in fairness to him...most people, even ugly people pull...oh and i forgot to mention that i do be on msn and i talk with alot of girls that i dont know like, get their adresses from a site and most of them tell me i am goodlookin so i don't understand why girls don't seem to want me when i go out, like i ask them, "if you were out, would you get with me?" and most say they would....

Sounds to me like you need to relax a bit about the whole thing. Maybe focus more on having a good time than on getting with girls. I'm a girl and I go out to have a laugh, so try making fun your priority. Make a joke, do some funny dance moves. Whatever. Sometimes I'll be somewhere with my mates and random guys will come up and dance with us, and there's a pretty clear distinction between guys who are having fun and guys who just want to get off with someone. Granted, fun guys are looking to get with people too, but they don't make it seem like their biggest priority, and to be honest they're usually the guys that succeed.
Also, girls are very quick to judge guys as being creepy. I've done it myself and it's usually completely unfounded. The more laid back you seem, the less likely you are to be seen as being weird. So relax!!!

LegacyUser

you see the thing i do be nervous about, even if i was out to just have fun and do a funny dance move in front of a girl or whatever i would be thinking that shes thinking "he wants to get with me" which is the same thing as me blatantly trying to get with the girl...

degrassinoel

if its not broken dont fix it.

if its not working..its either bad luck or you need a new strategy, try using your head instead of your hips hehe good luck with whatever you try

LegacyUser

what can i try?

unattendedbag

shes thinking "he's tryin to chat me up" or "he thinks he has a chance with me" or "please get me away quick"...

Chances are that if a girl is thinking the above then she is not available and your best off not wasting your time on her. Even if your aren't trying to pull her jut move on and make her look like the one with the problem. There are some girls out there that are so up themelves that they think every lad in a nightclub is after them.

You know yourself that there is nothing wrong with your current approach. The only thing id say is that you might lack a little bit of confidence in yourself. Maybe you feel that you will fail even before you start. Just begin with "how's things", "whats your name?", "Where you from?" "can I get you a drink", etc... If you keep things light hearted and friendly then she will by the ignorant one for not responding.

Finally sometimes set your goal to having a good chat and getting her number instead of trying to just score her. Then a text the following day or week might lead to what u want.

LegacyUser

thanks...still dont think id have the balls to approach a girl with her friends about...

myfatherrsson

Read 'The Game' by Neil Strass!! ok its about pickup artists but who better to learn from? Inspiring book really for this sorta thing:D
Most of its a loada sh1te lik, wouldnt work here at all but some fairly good ideas and just gives a whole can-do attitude towards the whole thing!

Monkey61

I think you need to use your brain on this one, not just some dance moves.

Girls are approached by guys all the time in clubs, on dancefloors etc and it becomes a major pain in the ass. Also, and this might sound a bit harsh, but nobody wants to spend their whole evening telling randomers their name or where they are from if they aren't immediately attracted to them, you have to do a bit better than that or it's just boring.

Also, if all you want is to score just anyone in a club (as opposed to someone that you really like the look of, or wanting a possible girlfriend) then girls can sense that a mile off. I know you are only 19, but even by then a lot of people can be getting sick of the whole "ooo let's just kiss everyone in sight for the laugh" buzz.

Okay I'm a bit older than you now, but I spent the college years getting danced at by guys on dancefloors etc, plenty of unwanted attention that often just seems creepy - especially if the lad is on his own with no friends in sight. It never worked. Never even wanted to talk to them.

What did work (at least to the point of striking up fun conversations) is when somebody did something different and acts like a confident normal person.

- A guy out on his own once approached me at a table in a bar when I was reading a book, told me he was alone in a new city and wanted to meet people but just had to come over and talk to me. He was totally confident and funny and I ended up bringing him on a night out with my friends.

- Striking up a conversation about the music that is playing, asking what a weird looking drink is, asking an interesting question that requires an opinion when someone is at the bar - non-threatening and more likely that someone will stick around and chat to you for a bit.

- Also, the best one really and I think this comes from The Game (which actually has an awful lot of useful basic stuff in it if you strip away all the silliness), is if you see a girl you like, go over to her and say that you just have a minute because you have to get back to your friends (possibly have a few drinks in your hands) but that you just wanted to say hello etc. This way she doesn't think that you are going to latch onto her if she is friendly and she won't be able to get rid of her.

- Following on from that one, if a girl is with a group of friends and possibly doesn't want to be disturbed. Briefly approach her, tell her that you would love to talk to her and that you are sitting wherever and that if she wants to she should come over later and chat to you.

LegacyUser

thats great advice about just going over and saying hello and saying you have to go, but what else could you say to her after saying hello?

BobbyOLeary

dub244 wrote: »

thats great advice about just going over and saying hello and saying you have to go, but what else could you say to her after saying hello?

Ask her opinion on something. Doesn't matter if it's real or not, she won't know nor care. One of the best ones I had for breaking the ice with women I didn't know was pointing out a mate of mine (or not, some randomer will do too) and asking whether or not he was right to keep scoring his ex. I've yet to meet a girl who didn't have some form of opinion about that issue.

To be honest it sounds like you're not much of a conversationalist (is that even a word?). The trick, and this is going to sound vague and ambiguous, is to take charge of the conversation, don't leave lulls where neither of you say anything.

You probably won't get the score then and there but all going well she'll remember you and you can pick things up later in the night. If you're leaving her ask for her number to ask her out. It'll take practice to get to the point where you don't care if she says yes or no but bear with it.

Bob the Builder

I've looked at all sorts of dating sites and everything when I was younger. Going by my experience, David DeAngelo, an american "dating" guy had some of the better methods for attracting girls.

Then if you have Sky TV, look at programmes like "How I met your mother?" and "Two and a Half Men" - Whilst their methods are crazy, you will gather together some great lines and quotes to talk about - other than the usual Sports and cars things that women aren't interested in as such.

At the end of the day, it's about having confidence, a good attitude, a positive personality and still being funny at the same time.

HavingCrack

Look avoid nightclubs if you can. They're not great places to meet girls. If you're still a little nervous of asking girls out in college/work/bookshop/on the street however (as with me but I'm trying my best to work on it ) I always found house parties or bbqs are great places to talk to girls. People are outgoing and not as stressed as in clubs/bars etc.

Oh and have a look at the pick up artist books and websites out there. A lot of ****te but some good stuff in there as well.

Lastly-the dancefloor is easily the worst place in a club to meet girls-i only ever succeed when I'm chatting to them at a table/smoking area etc.-good luck

Greyfox

The vast majority of guys started out at the exact point you are at now and gradually gained the condidence to approach and chat up women by practice. I avoid dancefloors like the plague as often their full of women who want to dance with their girlfriends rather than meet a guy.

You need to realise that walking up to a girl and saying Hi, and introducing yourself is no big deal, if you get blown out theirs loads of other women you can try to talk to, and the more you approach the more chance you have of scoring and you'll start to learn that girls are almost never mean when it comes to rejecting a guy.

All guys don't really know what to say when they start out, try ask her opinion on anything, make a comment on something or think of an interesting story to tell, or ask a question and be a good listener. Aim to maintain a conversation for 1 - 2 minutes and only when your comfortable with this aim for soemthing higher. The fact is the ONLY way you become good with talking to women or by knowing what to say is practice, practice and more practice. What happens is after a while you become use to talking to random females and you'll find yourself naturally coming up with things to say to keep a conversation going

LegacyUser

some great advice so far..any more???

seanbmc

Don't go to the clubs with the intent of scoring OP, go to have the craic with your mates.

If you see a girl you like dancing with a bunch of her friends, get one or two of your mates to come over, you won't be as nervous and don't come across as if you want to get with them.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Hey man. how's things?

Funny that several people have mentioned Neil Strauss here, it's not bad stuff.

I'm 27 now and looking to get back into things (you may see other posts here with me talking about a recent break-up).

Once I was like you, didn't feel like I could approach girls. But hey you're only 19 so absolutely no panic at all! I must say I'd love if I could turn the clock back 8 or 9 years and be back in college again but with all the experience and knowledge I have now!

Anyway, here's my tips:

# Confidence - this is the big thing. You need to try and relax and imagine yourself with lots of girls. Visualisation is key. Visualise yourself meeting girls, chatting with them, having a laugh, kissing them etc. Visualisation techniques are used widely in professional sports, do a bit of googling. When I was trying to improve myself with girls I needed to do this a lot in order to create 'false' confidence. After a while that 'false' confidence will be replaced by real confidence.

# Warming up - this is another huge thing. Don't be the guys that spend all night discussing about chatting up girls, only to try one just before closing. In fact don't talk about pulling with your friends much at all, just have a laugh when out! What you do do though is talk to girls every opportunity you can. At the start of the night you will find yourself under less pressure as there is less expectations (kissing, going home with her) as there would be towards the end of the night. Ever girl you will chat to that night will boost your confidence. Back in my old single days I would chat to girls on the bus into town, at the ATM, and in ever pub if possible. This will help hugely with anxiety and confidence. Even if you don't get a number, you may meet her again in a club later that night and you will already have broken the ice. It's also like warming up for a long run or workout!

# Have a few interesting stories, or ask a girl her opinion on something. Girls are sick of being asked 'how's things', 'can I buy you a drink'. Plenty of stuff on the net regarding that.

# Attempt to keep your expectations fairly low. This includes (and no offence girls, I'm not trying to be totally un-PC just want to help a guy out) not putting girls on a pedestel. Girls are girls, they're really not spectacularly special. They like a lot of the same things guys like, they like to meet the opposite sex and they also have sexual needs. You just need to tap into things correctly.

If I think of more (the hamsters in my head need to start cranking those wheels!) I'll post them.

Good luck!!

BumbleB

The post preceding this is quite good, The visualisation idea is very good and extremely effective because it will give you a game plan. Ali ,Maradona and Pele all used visualisation.

I'm a musician and I have effectively dealt with any problems that came up on stage by having done mental rehearsal.

The main thing in your visualisation is to imagine yourself extremely relaxed and having fun. also another powerful tool in your visualisation is to be able to imagine girls and see the world from their P.O.V.

I wouldn't read the game as its complete rubbish but it is entertaining netherless ,but to me sounds like all fantasy really.All the pUA stuff is about becoming a player if thats what you want ,personally its not my bag.

If I were you i would hone their social skills, practice on old and younger people than you.Guys who are good at talking to girls are generally good with everybody.

Another thing is to seperate yourself from the rest of the sheep .If you carefully look at everybody you will discover that nearly every guy looks like every other guy in a nightclub ,and there is very few people who challenge the status quo .

Really you shouldn't really shouldn't care about whether a girl thinks you are hitting on her or not,thats nice guy behaviour and its to be avoided at all costs , just don't be sleazy thats the main thing.


About dancing , Most people you see on the floor in Ireland are useless dancers .
Obviously dancing isn't really working for you, because if you are a good dancer you will have lots of girls coming onto you.

If you want to hone your skills there ,you need to practise in front of a mirror.

You also have to set yourself as non threatening .I think women see all men as a threat and that's why they are rarely alone.The best way to be non threatening is simple ,smile !.


About things to say ,there is endless possibilities talking to girls. Do your homework here .There's an incredibly poxy tV show now called Glee ,its the biggest pile of pish ever ,but girls really like it.and also xfactor .Thats a great starting point.

good luck.

HavingCrack

One thing I left out before-all the advice you've gotten on this is utterly useless unless you put it into practice

LegacyUser

lol, you're right!

Shiny

I have never 'pulled' in a nightclub and when I was your age I was in
the EXACT same position. Would go to a night club with my friends and
use various combinations of dancing, shouting in ears etc without one
shred of confidence to back it up.

Where I have met girlfriends is in various groups, societies and clubs
that were organised either in secondary school or college over the
years. You never said whether you were in college or not but I can
only assume you are at 19?? If you aren't these groups exist outside
of college also.

Every group/society will have a certain 'mix' of both sexes but some
have huge gender imbalance, think Xbox Society vs Nursing Society.
I joined the photography society last year and was shocked by the
huge number of women and only a couple of lads. I had genuinely
assumed that it (photography) was a men's thing but this is changing
big time!

So for example, you join these groups, meet and become friends with
plenty of the members. You then have a mutual interest and as with
the comments above, the ice is already broken. You are then bound
to be more relaxed and might not have to bother going to a nightclub.
These clubs organise their own nights where everyone is more at ease
and would facilitate you working your charm.

As someone who hates nightclubs, I offer this advice as a pleasant
alternative.

LegacyUser

thanks a million!!!!

finbarrk

Buy the Neill Strauss book that was mentioned. It won't do you any harm to read it.

Frogdog

Read the book! Read the book!

Honestly, it'll give you some tips. Try it out.

LegacyUser

thanks again...i was out since but i didnt have the courage to do anythin, i will soon though!

dub244

dub244 wrote: »

hes right in fairness to him...most people, even ugly people pull...oh and i forgot to mention that i do be on msn and i talk with alot of girls that i dont know like, get their adresses from a site and most of them tell me i am goodlookin so i don't understand why girls don't seem to want me when i go out, like i ask them, "if you were out, would you get with me?" and most say they would....

listen lad your not the only one in Ireland that goes through this. its the psychotic nature of alot of Irish women. They think they are Beyonce. I suppose from their point of view it can be hard if lads are genuinely making a nuisance of themselves which i do see a lot of but most of these divas behave like bitches to genuine guys.
the best advice is to go out to enjoy yourself and not with intention of scoring. have craic with the lads. as someone said, women appreciate a guy who can relax and enjoy himself and not someone who is tensed up with one aim in mind.
it isn't about looks. consider good looks a bonus rather then a deal breaker.

jamesr123

Deleted User wrote: »

its the psychotic nature of alot of Irish women. They think they are Beyonce.

Not to start off a fight but I do agree with that point, There is a girl down here exactly like that. For some reason she thinks she is better than everyone and because of it everyone hates her. I don't think you'd get anywhere in life acting like that.