How do you get the spark back?

LegacyUser

Been with OH for a couple of years now, live together, love the bones of each other but seem to have got stuck in a rut. Kisses and sex are not as frequent as they used to be, not out of lack of love but just routine and laziness I guess. Used to get "Luv u, miss u" texts, now just get "get me shower gel in the shopping" texts! Practicalities, necessities and schedules seem to have taken over our lives, even in the bedroom. Do other couples experience this after a few years? How do you get a bit of the magic back so it doesn't fizzle out into a house-share with a good mate??!!

krudler

Go on a break away, it'll relieve any boredom or feelings of being in a rut, somewhere neither of you have ever been before. You'd be amazed how a long drive can open up conversations you never had with someone you've know for years. New experiences will give ye both something to talk about, and hopefully some nice memories. Me and my gf make a point of going away for a night or two every 2 months or so at least, gets us away from the standard couch/cinema/pub routine and its always something we both look forward to. plus hotel sex is always great

dublingal80

im so envious of you. my oh thinks we are stuck in a rut so broke up with me!!!

i think, on a week day, when he least expects it, get on your sexiest undies, have candles on and surprise him when he gets home from work! id say that will put a spark into things

krudler

dublingal80 wrote: »

im so envious of you. my oh thinks we are stuck in a rut so broke up with me!!!

i think, on a week day, when he least expects it, get on your sexiest undies, have candles on and surprise him when he gets home from work! id say that will put a spark into things

Good idea spontaneity is key to keeping a relationship alive, its nice to have some bit of routine and comfort, but sometimes you gotta do something a bit crazy and out of the blue to reignite things.
Things werent going so well between me and the missus a while back, just work and family stuff getting in the way of seeing each other, and it strained us a bit as we were seeing each other here and there but not what you would call quality time, so I took her away for the weekend, found a hotel that had a jacuzzi in the room, got some of her favourite wine, bought a few bath bombs to lob into the jacuzzi, loads of suds, some chocolate, got nicely tipsy and stayed up all night talking and...well ya know Came home and missed each other as soon as we said goodbye, couldnt wait to get together again after that, worked wonders

Dudess

OP, are you a man or a woman?

steddyeddy

Dudess wrote: »

OP, are you a man or a woman?

Op if you are a man i wouldnt wear a sexy bra ect it would really put a crimp in your plan!

Anyway krudler has the best idea long drives or times alone do wonders it lets you open up again and drop all the tension and defenses that everyday life brings.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the suggestions guys. Kudler,I think a few nights away from the mundane routine of our everyday lives might be just the ticket alright, remind ourselves why we fell in love. I'm just wondering though, do you find that ye slip back into the old routine again once you get home?!

Dublingal, I'm not too sure about slipping into sexy undies in the middle of the day to surprise him. I love the idea but the truth is I don't really do the sexy undies and seduction thing coz I'm a bit overweight and would not feel comfortable with the lights on, let alone that. My OH in fairness is always telling me I'm beautiful and that he finds me very sexy so it's not him, it's just my own personal issue. I suppose that's probably why I get so paranoid about losing the spark too. I could never see myself doing a striptease or anything like that, I would rather die! I know I shouldn't worry, just can't help it though.

Oh yeah and I am a girl!

krudler

Sparkgone wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for the suggestions guys. Kudler,I think a few nights away from the mundane routine of our everyday lives might be just the ticket alright, remind ourselves why we fell in love. I'm just wondering though, do you find that ye slip back into the old routine again once you get home?!

Nope, it genuinely put the spark back in, we had a really long talk on the way down, got a tiny bit argumentative but not actually arguing, and sorted out every issue we had with the situation we were in, by the time we got to the hotel we couldnt keep our hands off each other Not seeing each other wasnt either of our faults and it was just what we had to deal with, but it definitely changed things for the better getting away and sorting out everything, it can be hard to bring these things up in everyday routine life so you need a break, trust me it works.

LegacyUser

Thanks! Will give it a go.

shellyboo

Sparkgone wrote: »

Dublingal, I'm not too sure about slipping into sexy undies in the middle of the day to surprise him. I love the idea but the truth is I don't really do the sexy undies and seduction thing coz I'm a bit overweight and would not feel comfortable with the lights on, let alone that. My OH in fairness is always telling me I'm beautiful and that he finds me very sexy so it's not him, it's just my own personal issue. I suppose that's probably why I get so paranoid about losing the spark too. I could never see myself doing a striptease or anything like that, I would rather die! I know I shouldn't worry, just can't help it though.

Oh yeah and I am a girl!

Don't take this too harshly, OP, because I used to be the same way and I say it with kindness. You need to work on your self-esteem issues, because I'd be prepared to bet that's what's causing the distance between you and your partner.

You need to have the confidence to give yourself to him totally - I'm not saying you have to wear lingerie etc, but sex with the lights off can get fairly frustrating when you want to enjoy and luxuriate in your partner. If you're placing limits on his enjoyment of you because of your self-consciousness, then that is going to cause distance sexually.

Take baby steps. Saying you can't help it isn't enough... if you want to revive your sex life then you're going to have to work on these insecurities. If you can't have the lights on, start with candles - so, so forgiving and romantic. One or two to begin with, then add more as your grow in confidence, then maybe you'll be able to switch those lights on. Once you overcome these little hurdles and see how much your partner loves it, that will hopefully give you (and him) more confidence and make you both more keen to explore eachother.

Good luck!

Taltos

shellyboo wrote: »

Don't take this too harshly, OP, because I used to be the same way and I say it with kindness. You need to work on your self-esteem issues, because I'd be prepared to bet that's what's causing the distance between you and your partner.

You need to have the confidence to give yourself to him totally - I'm not saying you have to wear lingerie etc, but sex with the lights off can get fairly frustrating when you want to enjoy and luxuriate in your partner. If you're placing limits on his enjoyment of you because of your self-consciousness, then that is going to cause distance sexually.

Take baby steps. Saying you can't help it isn't enough... if you want to revive your sex life then you're going to have to work on these insecurities. If you can't have the lights on, start with candles - so, so forgiving and romantic. One or two to begin with, then add more as your grow in confidence, then maybe you'll be able to switch those lights on. Once you overcome these little hurdles and see how much your partner loves it, that will hopefully give you (and him) more confidence and make you both more keen to explore eachother.

Good luck!

+1
Also involve your OH in all this.
Let him know you miss his texts. Ask him to help you work on expressing how you each care.
I was a bit surprised when my OH had this chat with me - but now I just love those texts - yes sometimes they are annoying but talk to him as well. In the meantime follow the advice above - but keep communicating...

shellyboo

Taltos wrote: »

+1
Also involve your OH in all this.
Let him know you miss his texts. Ask him to help you work on expressing how you each care.
I was a bit surprised when my OH had this chat with me - but now I just love those texts - yes sometimes they are annoying but talk to him as well. In the meantime follow the advice above - but keep communicating...

Oh good point Taltos! Definitely involve your partner, OP. Let him know you need help and encouragement to feel more secure in your sexuality.

Taltos

shellyboo wrote: »

Oh good point Taltos! Definitely involve your partner, OP. Let him know you need help and encouragement to feel more secure in your sexuality.

Yup - defo - relationships take two people to keep working. It only takes one though to slack off to break it though.
Be clear though - you want him to work with you on making the relationship work and grow stronger - the grow stronger thing is the item to focus on...

This is not about him having to help you per se to feel better in yourself - you have to recapture that yourself (sorry) - and to be honest that is a hard task to lay on anyones door. But at a minimum you need his help - ongoing - never ending in making the relationship work.

In the meantime just keep reinforcing in your own mind how special you are, and how much you have to offer - don't dwell on the specifics just yet - just believe that you are a special person whether someone tells you that or not.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,
I'd recommend that you try and spice up things for yourselves.
There is a book I read a few years ago, it's by a new zealand sex therapist, tracy cox, it's called 'hot sex' (it has like a pink cover). She has loads of books, but this one is the best. You can buy it online if you're shy going into easons to get it!

Hope things work out well..

LegacyUser

Thanks so much everyone, I know ye are all right coz I've given the same advice to others in this situation!! It's just different when it's you, y'know? Harder to think with your head instead of your heart. I know in my head my partner loves me and finds me sexy but it's me - in the heat of things, I don't want to look down and see my jelly belly wobbling coz then I would be worrying about my flab instead of enjoying the moment and everything would be ruined. That's why I prefer the lights off - in the dark I can pretend I look like Kate Moss!!

I realise that the advice here is spot-on and that it's up to me to sort myself out and I will try but I can't be the only one who feels like this?

Miss Fluff

You need to get to the gym and work on changing your diet to lose weight then. If you want a red-hot love life you need to feel good about yourself and how you look. Inhibited, self-conscious sex is not good sex. Sex when you are feeling good about yourself and happy in your own skin is.

Personally I can't imagine having sex with the lights off. Men are very visual so let him see how gorgeous you are!! Confidence is SUCH a turn-on.You don't need dentists chair lights shining brightly on you, how about some candles or a dimly-lit lamp? If you are conscious of your tummy buy a bodice where you can expose your breasts and fanjita but cover some of your tummy. And avoid positions that are less than flattering if your tummy is wobbly, if you have the lights on choose doggy style or reverse cowgirl etc...

In the meantime, inject some spontaneity into your love life. Join him in the shower before work/give him a blow-job when he least expects it, i.e. catch him totally unaware/send him on a magical mystery tour, cook him his favourite food without telling him. You don't need to make injecting a spark a military exercise. By doing so he will want to follow suit and please and impress you too.

And don't lose sight of your own life and interests. Too many couples move in together and merge into a mutant "we" and live in each others pockets. Go out with your girlfriends, take up classes or a hobby and have some time away from each other. Giving each other the chance to truly miss each other when apart is always a benefit.....just think of the joyous reunions

Wednesday2

You are definitely not the only one, and it's a really lonely place to be. Best thing to do is to try and talk about it with him...I give this advice, and yet don't take it the advice, as in a similar situation. Been living together for almost three years, and spark always seems to go...every now and again, we talk about it, and try to liven things up, but we always seem to get back into the same old rut. Slept in spare room last night cos he was asleep and didn't want to wake him, and know that's not a good place to be heading..

Shivers26

I am in a relationship for over 5 years and with jobs, mortgage and 2 kids to worry about routine can absolutely take over. We sometimes forget we are a young couple!

The main thing is that you have identified the problem so what are you going to do about it?
Lots of great suggestions given here already.

Those short satin nighties cover a multitude of sins so maybe invest in some of them. My OH loves them. Just slip into bed with that on and nothing else. If your OH tells you that you are beautiful, believe him! He loves you for who you are so you just need to learn to love yourself. Make an effort to do whatever you need to that makes you feel good. I know I always feel sexier if I wear a skirt (even a casual one), straighten my hair, put on a bit of make up etc. I feel better in myself, more confident and that is attractive.

Weekends away are always a great idea. Myself and OH recently got 3 nights away with no kids and had a lovely time. We went somewhere we had never been before, climbed a mountain together, had early nights, talked laughed, ate, drank....bliss!

Whats stopping you sending the cutesy texts? I remember a few months ago my OH hadnt text me by mid morning (he was away working) so I text him and I eventually said 'I am actually a bit annoyed that you didnt text me' and he was like 'is there something wrong with your phone that you couldnt text first'.....hmmmm....lightbulb!

If you make some effort I am sure your OH will thoroughly appreciate and reciprocate in kind so it will be worth it.

One final thing (I am even scared typing this). My internet at home has been broken for the past 2 weeks and it has actually made such a diffference to us. We are chatting more, watching movies, going for more walks, playing cards, laughing. Usually he'd have his laptop and i'd have mine and we'd just be distracted doing our own thing. I have identified that as a wee issue in my own relationships so will bring in 'no internet nights' after it gets fixed tomorrow.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks so much everyone, loadsa great advice here. I definitely am going to invest in a satin nightie and make more of an effort on my side to keep things passionate and exciting instead of always expecting him to and then getting annoyed when he doesn't!

And I have already suggested a few nights away together to him and he totally agreed, said he'd been thinking the exact same thing! So yay! Some much-needed romantic alone-time on the way and must remember to make a special effort to keep it up when we get home too, that's the key.....

Thanks again!