Fight with ex's new fella

LegacyUser

So Im in a bar last weekend, and noticed the ex (we were together 4 years and very close) split up with around a year. I decided to go over as I felt really bad about something that happened while we were together and wanted to make sure she knew. So I motioned to her for a private word, she was standing in a group, and this chump decides to be the big man and confront me. So I tell him Im her ex and I just want a quick word, and he says I dont think thats a good idea, so I tell him he's going through a window if he doesnt back off, she's kind of tugging his arm to back off that its okay, but he persists and next thing I know Im kicked out. I feel completely humiliated, and as far as I know they just got together that night or arent together long, not that it matters, I just wanted a quick word with her.
Am I in the wrong?

Giblet

Keep away. If you need to have a word, send her an email. I recommend you don't though. You offered to put him through a window? I'm surprised he didn't smack you in the mouth then and there.

hightower1

Yeah OP, a bit of tact when approaching someone you have a history with on a night out is needed. Maybe wait til she's coming back form the toilet or bar and say hi, do you have a min.

Ok yer man was probably making a play for god knows how long before you saw her but he was wrong also to think that he can speak for her, she's a big girl and has a mouth of her own I am sure.
That guy sounds a bit controlling tbh.

Just if you see her again wait til she is by herself and ask for a chat?


Dont be humiliated though, that due sounded like a right ar*e. Any man who decides to speak for a woman is a tool and she shoulda realised that. No harm done, as Robbie Williams sang....."Its Saturday.... I'll go out... and find .... another you"

Faith

To be honest, yeah, you are in the wrong. She's your ex and you've no rights to her any more. Maybe she would have talked to you if you hadn't gotten aggressive and threatened to put her boyfriend though a window! That was completely out of line, and a behaviour you should really look at more closely.

At the end of the day, you've been broken up for a year, she has moved on, and apologising for some past behaviour is fairly pointless. It's not going to achieve anything. Let her be now.

hightower1

Faith wrote: »

To be honest, yeah, you are in the wrong. She's your ex and you've no rights to her any more. Maybe she would have talked to you if you hadn't gotten aggressive and threatened to put her boyfriend though a window! That was completely out of line, and a behaviour you should really look at more closely.

At the end of the day, you've been broken up for a year, she has moved on, and apologising for some past behaviour is fairly pointless. It's not going to achieve anything. Let her be now.

I dunno, I think thats a bit harsh no? I mean ok a bit of descretion when approaching her would have done the job but he only threatend the new guy when he was physically stopping him talking to her?
It really was none of this new guys business who she talks to is it?
The only reason as far as I can see that the new guy would stop the ex talking to her is that he wa afraid she'd like it.

If some guy told me who I can and cant talk to I'd be none too polite ether and I would never speak for any woman I was with, if she didnt want to talk to her ex she should be the one to decide... no one else.

Oryx

You are wrong for squaring up to the guy, absolutely. Theres no question that you should have walked away the minute there was a hint of aggravation. Why do that to a girl you were hoping to apologise to anyway?
'Scuse me for a minute love while I fling your caveman boyfriend through a window, now, as I was saying, sorry about last year...'

I also wonder was the girl eager or reluctant to talk to you? If it was the latter, I could actually understand why someone stepped in. Were you drunk? (also would explain his reaction, and your agression).

LegacyUser

Op you were 100% in the wrong. Threatening to put someone through the window like that is only asking for trouble. Clearly this girls is better off away from you. Why the hell possesed you to try and explain somethingthat happened over a year ago. Get over yourself and move on. Stop being such a child.

Faith

hightower1 wrote: »

I dunno, I think thats a bit harsh no? I mean ok a bit of descretion when approaching her would have done the job but he only threatend the new guy when he was physically stopping him talking to her?
It really was none of this new guys business who she talks to is it?
The only reason as far as I can see that the new guy would stop the ex talking to her is that he wa afraid she'd like it.

If some guy told me who I can and cant talk to I'd be none too polite ether and I would never speak for any woman I was with, if she didnt want to talk to her ex she should be the one to decide... no one else.

Maybe it was harsh. Maybe it wasn't. It's impossible to know the real story from one person's 5 line account of it. Regardless, I don't think threatening physical violence is acceptable in any scenario unless it's self defense, and using the threat of it to try and get your own way doesn't sit well with me.

To be honest, if the op is that readily moved to violence, I can see why perhaps the girls new boyfriend was stopping him talking to her. We have no idea what their relationship was like - it might have ended extremely badly. She might have been afraid he was going to get violent with her, she might just not have wanted to talk to him, she might have wanted to talk to him and was being restrained by her new bf. We've no idea. But if it was me, I'd talk to someone if I wanted to, and no-one would stop. If my ex approached me and my new bf tried to stop him talking to me, I'd tell my new bf to cop on and give me a minute. However, if we'd ended on bad terms, I'd probably have mentioned that at some point to my new bf, and I'd be happy for him to intercept the ex.

Now there's a lot of speculation in this post, and I'm not for one second suggesting the op was ever violent with his ex, but I'm pointing out that there's dozens of reasons why the new guy might have stopped him from talking to his ex, and that if his ex wanted to talk to him, she would have done. If she was borderline about talking to him, his threatening to put her new bf through a window may have put her right off.

Chinafoot

hightower1 wrote: »

The only reason as far as I can see that the new guy would stop the ex talking to her is that he wa afraid she'd like it.

If some guy told me who I can and cant talk to I'd be none too polite ether and I would never speak for any woman I was with, if she didnt want to talk to her ex she should be the one to decide... no one else.

OR perhaps the ex had spotted the OP earlier and said to her new fella "Oh god, he's here. I hope he keeps away from me." OR perhaps the new fella is aware of what happened between them and what the OP wanted to apologise for and he knew the girl didn't want to talk to him.

Attempting to speak to your ex who is enjoying a night out with her friends in the pub was a really, really bad idea. Even if her new boyfriend hadn't been there, you probably would have ruined her night by dragging up the past. You were completely out of order by threatening her new bloke and deserved to be kicked out.

Take Faith's advice and leave the girl alone.

steddyeddy

Faith wrote: »

Maybe it was harsh. Maybe it wasn't. It's impossible to know the real story from one person's 5 line account of it. Regardless, I don't think threatening physical violence is acceptable in any scenario unless it's self defense, and using the threat of it to try and get your own way doesn't sit well with me.

To be honest, if the op is that readily moved to violence, I can see why perhaps the girls new boyfriend was stopping him talking to her. We have no idea what their relationship was like - it might have ended extremely badly. She might have been afraid he was going to get violent with her, she might just not have wanted to talk to him, she might have wanted to talk to him and was being restrained by her new bf. We've no idea. But if it was me, I'd talk to someone if I wanted to, and no-one would stop. If my ex approached me and my new bf tried to stop him talking to me, I'd tell my new bf to cop on and give me a minute. However, if we'd ended on bad terms, I'd probably have mentioned that at some point to my new bf, and I'd be happy for him to intercept the ex.

Now there's a lot of speculation in this post, and I'm not for one second suggesting the op was ever violent with his ex, but I'm pointing out that there's dozens of reasons why the new guy might have stopped him from talking to his ex, and that if his ex wanted to talk to him, she would have done. If she was borderline about talking to him, his threatening to put her new bf through a window may have put her right off.

I dont think you were harsh at all the the op has no rights to his ex anymore, op i do think you were a bit untactful to aproach her on a night out with her mates and her new boyfriend could have been right maybe it was a bad idea.

LegacyUser

I think you are all wrong.
I dont think anybody has rights to another person.
I do think that pretending someone is a ghost all of a sudden that you spent four years with is pretty ****ed up.
I was sober on the night. Maybe I shouldnt have gone over full stop, but only out of respect for her and the possibility of disrupting her night.
The guy was a dickhead trying to be the big man speaking for the group by cutting me off, seriously cmon you're calling me aggressive?
He gave me hostility, and I won't be talked to in that way by anybody.
I'll say this, it took serious heart to walk over there, it ****ing buries me a thousand times to see her with someone else, even though Im the one who broke it off. but this thread isnt about that, its about this idiot starting **** when it wasnt his place to do it.

arybvtcw0eolkf

OP yes you were wrong. But in that situation most blokes would have done the wrong thing so don't go stressing over it.

dixiefly

As was said earlier can you not send her an email/ letter to apologise.

Also, I note that its a year down the line and you are only getting around to apologise now, It doesnt sound as if its anywhere near the top of your priority list.

Also, you came in here asking for advice (which you dont have to take on board), I thought that you were pretty dismissive of that advice.

D-Generate

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I think you are all wrong.

Then you shouldn't have come looking for advice here. But general consensus is usually right and general consensus says you were in the wrong.

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I dont think anybody has rights to another person.

Too right, so why did you think you had a right to speak to her that night? Neither of you had a right to decide who she gets to speak to, not you or her new boyfriend.

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I'll say this, it took serious heart to walk over there, it ****ing buries me a thousand times to see her with someone else, even though Im the one who broke it off. but this thread isnt about that, its about this idiot starting **** when it wasnt his place to do it.

Move on OP, you weren't going over there for her, you were going over there for you. If she wants to talk she will talk. You were selfish and you ruined her night, her boyfriends night and your own night so the quicker you forget about it and move on the better.

steddyeddy

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I think you are all wrong.
I dont think anybody has rights to another person.
I do think that pretending someone is a ghost all of a sudden that you spent four years with is pretty ****ed up.
I was sober on the night. Maybe I shouldnt have gone over full stop, but only out of respect for her and the possibility of disrupting her night.
The guy was a dickhead trying to be the big man speaking for the group by cutting me off, seriously cmon you're calling me aggressive?
He gave me hostility, and I won't be talked to in that way by anybody.
I'll say this, it took serious heart to walk over there, it ****ing buries me a thousand times to see her with someone else, even though Im the one who broke it off. but this thread isnt about that, its about this idiot starting **** when it wasnt his place to do it.

Listen man first of all you broke it off and one of the consequences of that is having to see her with someone else and yes it will probaly feel bad but thats not her fault or its not his fault.

If someone who i loved broke up with me thats exactly what they would be to me, a ghost it would be necessary for me to heal.

As regards the exs boyfriends threathing behaviour i would find it offensive in itself if my ex came over to me on a night out if she broke up with me, how do you know your ex didnt tell her friend to cut you off?

If my girlfriends ex came over to us on a night out i would certainly stand up for her (unless she wanted to talk to him, even then id still go into male agression mode lol).

Chinafoot

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I think you are all wrong.

So you posted here why exactly?

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I dont think anybody has rights to another person.

Correct, and that includes you.

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I do think that pretending someone is a ghost all of a sudden that you spent four years with is pretty ****ed up.

That depends entirely on what happened during those four years with. Having had a romantic relationship with someone does not entitle you to continued contact once that romantic relationship ends. You say you were attempting to apologise to her. Maybe she doesn't want your apology. She has clearly moved on.

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I was sober on the night. Maybe I shouldnt have gone over full stop, but only out of respect for her and the possibility of disrupting her night.

There's no maybe about it but be honest with yourself OP, you weren't considering her at all. There was absolutely no respect given to her on your part there. You were thinking only of yourself.

yazoolover33 wrote: »

The guy was a dickhead trying to be the big man speaking for the group by cutting me off, seriously cmon you're calling me aggressive?
He gave me hostility, and I won't be talked to in that way by anybody.

Now who is trying to be the "big man". You won't be talked to like that by anybody? Who do you think you are? If someone gives you hostility in that situation the best thing you could have done for both yourself and your ex is walk away. Threatening to throw him through the window is pretty pathetic behaviour especially considering he said, and I'm quoting you here, "I don't think thats a good idea." Now how exactly that warrants the response you gave is beyond me tbh.

yazoolover33 wrote: »

I'll say this, it took serious heart to walk over there, it ****ing buries me a thousand times to see her with someone else, even though Im the one who broke it off. but this thread isnt about that,

Do you want a medal? Do you think you should be commended for approaching your ex that you obviously hurt in some way (why else would you be apologising) while she is on a night out with her friends? Your feelings towards her are none of her concern now. You dumped her and she has moved on. Such is life.

yazoolover33 wrote: »

its about this idiot starting **** when it wasnt his place to do it.

Ah but you see OP, you started it when it wasn't your place to do it. You should not have gone anywhere near her and when you were told to go away you should have taken his advice. Instead you acted like a tool and got a well deserved kicking out.

Move on with your life and leave the girl alone.

Nevyn

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
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Thaedydal

Gladiator.

OP I think you shouldn't have been such a mouth! Threatening to throw him through a window...

Surely it would have been easier to throw him through the double doors and watch them swing like in a cowboy movie , you may have even impressed your ex.

Nevyn

yazoolover33 yes you were wrong yes you screwed up just learn from it and don't do it again.

I am locking this thread as people cant' seem to post in a manner expected in this forum.