Torn two ways

LegacyUser

First off let me say i have no real clue what im doing here aside to say im desperate for some input from someone else rather than kicking this round in my head over and over.

I genuinely believe I am in love with two women.

The first is my current partner of nearly 4 years. She is 10 years older than me, formerly my boss at work and has 2 children. Originally we were both single and call it a mutual desire developed that lead to us jumping into bed. That lead to us spending more and more time together until one day i didnt so much as move in, as came round and never left. Yes it is fair to say that it happened fairly quickly over just a few months but at no point did it feel rushed at the time.

Second is the woman i fancied some 8 years ago who is a couple of years younger than myself, we fancied eachother but never quite got to getting it together. I got with someone else, so did she, our ways parted. but i never lost the feeling deep down inside that i got from being around her. She got married and settled down. Recently her marrige has broken up and while we have always been friends we have become closer as she trusts me to talk to about how she is feeling. Soon as we started really talking again that deep feeling is back again.

I find both women attractive physically and share alot of common ground with both of them. I care about both of them and have realistically considered moving away from the area and cutting ties with both of them to remove the "choice" but this is still going to hurt one or both of them.

Now im torn between the two. On the one hand I have the woman I am with, who has shared the last 4 years of her life with me and who i cuddle up to at night. Who i have shared the ups and downs of 4 years with. On the other I have i suppose something of a childhood swetheart but who i have always had inexplicably deep feelings for.

As im sure there are those who will read things into this...
this is not trading in for a younger model...
this is not about getting sex...

I genuinely care for both these women and am hoping someone out there will be able to give me pointers on how i should go about making a choice, a choice i know i have to make. But im aware that the choice will hurt someone and while it pains me, i know its got to be done, but if i have to hurt one of these women it has to be right.

Please can anyone offer some advice as im about at my wits end.

Miss Fluff

Mr Unregistered wrote: »

Second is the woman i fancied some 8 years ago who is a couple of years younger than myself, we fancied eachother but never quite got to getting it together. I got with someone else, so did she, our ways parted. but i never lost the feeling deep down inside that i got from being around her. She got married and settled down. Recently her marrige has broken up and while we have always been friends we have become closer as she trusts me to talk to about how she is feeling. Soon as we started really talking again that deep feeling is back again.

What's the nature of your current relationship with this other girl? Are you "together"? Are you having an affair? Or to what extent does she know how you feel about her? Do you know how she feels about you?

sbsquarepants

To be honest with you mate, i don't really believe you!
That is to say i think you know yourself which one you'd prefer to be with, even if you don't want to hurt the other.
I think it's simply a case of you have to choose one or the other and somebody is going to get hurt. Life is messy sometimes. But it's also short, so do what you know is right!
Good luck

muinteoir09

sbsquarepants wrote: »

To be honest with you mate, i don't really believe you!
That is to say i think you know yourself which one you'd prefer to be with, even if you don't want to hurt the other.
I think it's simply a case of you have to choose one or the other and somebody is going to get hurt. Life is messy sometimes. But it's also short, so do what you know is right!
Good luck

+1

buswankers

Have to agree with sbsquarepants....

Also think you may want to be with the girl you've had feelings for for some time but dont want to hurt your OH of the last 4years...which is understandable seeing as you have been in a relationship with her for some time...
But if you are really & truly in love with your OH then i dont see how you could have such deep feelings for another woman? I know you do have a past with this girl but if your heart was completely with your OH then would you really be able to have feelings for someone else regardless of your history? Personally i'd hate to think the man i was in a relationship with & shared a bed with had such feelings for another woman...the fact that this could happen to me puts a question mark over how committed you are to your OH.

You need to make a decision....& while yes inevitably someone is going to get hurt...you need to do what will make you happy in the long run because if your not true to yourself then i think you'll find yourself right back in this situation again.
Good luck - hope it all works out for u!

ncmc

This is a difficult one OP, but think carefully about this before you make any drastic decisions. I would also be interested in what your relationship is with the childhood sweetheart, are you having an affair with her or are you just friends?

I think this could be a case of 'grass is always greener on the other side'. You have been going out with your partner 4 years. In that time, you have probably had to deal with alot of mundane stuff, problems with kids, maybe money worried etc. It is very easy for the spark to go out of a relationship after a few years, especially when there is kids involved.

On the other hand, you have this other woman, someone who reminds you of your life 8 years ago when things were probably a lot simpler and life a lot easier. It is also probably quite an ego boost for you that this woman finds you attractive (especially as she is a bit younger than you ).

There is nothing wrong with these feelings, but look at it logically, if you split with your partner and went with woman 2, do you really believe your life would be so much better? Do you have a realistic view of what your life would be like, or have you put this woman on a pedastal and imagine your life together as perfect? The reality is that your relationship with her wouldn't be perfect, you would have the same problems and stresses that you have with your current partner. You never got together with woman 2, how do you know you would even be compatible? Great friends don't automatically make great partners.

I think it's perfectly normal to think 'what might have been' especially if you are going through a difficult time in your relationship. It's all to easy to look at woman 2 through rose tinted specs.

I think you owe it to your partner of 4 years to give this relationship one more chance. Try and cut all contact with woman 2 for the moment at least. Try and put some of the spark back into your relationship and try and find what attracted you to your partner in the first place. If you truly believe that your relationship isn't going anywhere, then it is ok to end it. Sometimes things just don't work out no matter how much you try. I notice you use words like 'care for' when talking about your partner, not once in your OP do you say that you LOVE her. I am getting the impression that you kind of drifted together and just stuck with it because it was easier than leaving? I could be totally wrong there, but it's just the feeling I get from your post. You need to be totally honest with yourself and examine your TRUE feelings for both these women. Just make sure you are looking at things through cold clear eyes, not a rose tinted version of what might have been, good look OP, I hope things work out for you.