How often is your family in touch with you

LegacyUser

I am a male 30 and have 1 brother older,2 sisters older, and 1 younger brother. Father alive, mother deceased a few years. I get on with all of them in diferent ways.

I live in Dublin city and rest live near each other in cork area. I call down to area once a month in general. I phone one sister and father once/twice a week. The only time father rings back is if he missed by call. Only time sister rings is i she has a problem or needs something.

Not sure what I am trying to get at. Bascially I seem to be the one making the effort to keep in touch. I am different from my family and in touch with my emotional side while the rest of family would see this as a weakness. I asked my father to go away for a weekend to-day but he was not interested.
to call
Just wondering is it normal for one relationhip where one person does all the ringing and make effort to keep in touch?

If i stopped contact it could be weeks or a month before they may make attempt to call me. I brought it to a head 7 years ago and they seem concerned at time that i felt that way about lack of contact. It seems back to square 1, I am making all the contact now.

Maybe i am making bigger issue out of it

miss5

It sounds like it has become routine for you to make the effort regarding contact.
I'm sure it isn't intentional people get busy with their own lives and tend to forget
to make time for family members. It would probably really help if you had a chat
with them because it is very unfair.

muinteoir09

Every family is different. I live in Dublin, my brother in the UK and the rest in the North of Ireland. I see my brother maybe twice a year at most and we rarely call each other but that doesn't bother either of us. I see the rest of the family once every 2 months or so and call home occasionally but not with any kind of regularity. We all have our own lives and no one gets upset but some people think our lack of regular contact (phone, Skype, etc...) is bizarre.

On the other hand, I have a friend who is always in touch with his parents, regularly visits for 'family dinners' and will drop any plans if the family invite him over. In my opinion, this is bizarre and very unhealthy.

So, different strokes for different folks. I don't think it's unfair of them not to call or visit you but I do think it is unfair of you to expect it of them. Many families don't get on very well at all (there is a lot of truth to the cliché You can't choose your family). Try and find some other interests and activities to do so that your family are not on your mind so much.

tenchi-fan

If your life is full of other things (friends, hobbies, etc) you probably won't rely on your family as much.

My brother has been in australia for the past 9 months and I only spoke to him once on the phone since he left. We actually get on pretty well.

My mam generally makes a big effort though... she visits me or phones me nearly every day. Over the years there were actually times when I had to ask her to give me some space. I know that sounds awful!

I have a cousin though who I call to once a week. I doubt he would even pick up the phone and call me if I didn't. I'm not too annoyed though, because generally it's out of boredom that I visit him - he lives around the corner.

Ever2010

It's probably just routine OP - they know that you ring each week to have a chat so why would they ring you another time? It probably wouldn't occur to them that it might be nice for them to give you a shout once and a while!

Maybe next time say "how about you give me a shout next Monday?".

StillWaters

IME, once your mother is gone, there is normally one person who will take on the role of being 'the hub', the person who ensures contact remains, organises family stuff etc.

Its normally a woman, so in your case it is unusual. I think you have to figure out how important contact with your family is, if it is important to you, you may have to carry on with the role you have created, if not, just let it go and see what dynamic evolves.

lukegriffen

I think the location is important. When you move away from your family, they become more important. I know Dublin isn't a million miles from Cork, but if you're still in the same house / town you grew up in, ie. familiar surroundings, you've got the rest of your family/friends around you, you're not going to dramatically miss 1 member who's further afield.
OP - I wouldn't take it personally. You have realised how important family relationships are, if the others don't, there's nothing you can do about that. If it really hurts you that 1 or 2 people never make the effort to contact you, then say it to them. But look at if from their aspect too, they've probably no news whatsoever !

Oh, I should also mention, that I think the other family members wouldn't have any idea of how you're feeling, so don't go hard on them. You've made a break, you might choose to go back and live in Cork, or you might choose to live abroad, but it sounds like most of your family wouldn't have the guts to live outside their home city.

ash23

I moved away from my family. We keep in touch but yes, it is generally me who calls them aside from 2 of my sisters who also live away.

I think it depends on how busy your life is.
My dad calls me most evenings but not to talk to me, to talk to my daughter who is the apple of his eye! Generally then i'll chat to my mum when they are done talking. I'll often call my mum aswell for a chat so I'd talk to her most days.

One brother and two sisters have work and 2/3 small kids so they rarely ring. I'd ring them but not often. But we visit each other.

Two of my sisters call me often and I call them. Neither have kids. One lives in the UK and she calls us all regularly because she feels being away and she misses home. The other sister calls too as we meet up for nights out.

I could go weeks without ringing or visiting and then other weeks I'm on all the time. Depends on what else is going on in my life.

I found facebook a great way of keeping in touch with all my siblings. We're all on it and post messages frequently and keep up with what is going on.

Might be an idea.

Monkey61

Well if you want to be in touch more than they do then that's up to you.

Some people just don't need to rely on family so much because they have got other things going on. I live in a different country to mine and while I would probably ring my mum in an emergency, other than that she would maybe send an email saying hello or phone once a month...possibly less.

gagiteebo

muinteoir09 wrote: »

In my opinion, this is bizarre and very unhealthy.

You're absolutely right when you say different strokes for different folks. Some people aren't that close with their family and only see each other at family occasions etc but other people, like myself, are very close to their families and fair enough you think it's bizarre but I think it's a bit rude of you to call it unhealthy.

I often don't see my family for long periods because I live away from home but I would talk to at least one of them everyday or every second day. I don't have an unhealthy, dependant relationship with them, I just happen to like them and get on really well with them (we're not the Brady Bunch, if I lived at home we would kill each other in 5 seconds flat) but I appreciate them more when I don't get to see them as often as I'd like. I have my own life and interests and friends but my family are an important part of my life.

I wouldn't call it unhealthy if someone just spoke to or saw their family once or twice a year, like you said different strokes for different folks.

OP it is obviously something that is bothering you deeply so my advice to you would be to talk to them again and explain how you are feeling and go from there. Like someone mentioned before we get caught up in the daily goings on of life and it's easy to let contact slide. There's usually one person that makes more of an effort though, usually a woman, but in this case it's you so don't worry too much about it. Just have a chat with them! If your dad doesn't want to go away for the weekend then maybe do something with him that he's interested in like golfing or whatever!

Good luck

Edgedinblue

gagiteebo wrote: »

You're absolutely right when you say different strokes for different folks. Some people aren't that close with their family and only see each other at family occasions etc but other people, like myself, are very close to their families and fair enough you think it's bizarre but I think it's a bit rude of you to call it unhealthy.

Its very true different strokes for different folks.

I'm not close to my family, although they like to pretend we're a very close family :rolleyes: but ill be honest i find it very weird when people are overly close to their families. Ive lived with a few friends in the past few years who ring their parents everyday just tell them every detail of every second that went by from their last phonecall. and who feel that their needed to go home every weekend. but then again i dont do these things, havnt been home in six months and dont talk that often on the phone to my family so its natural for me to find this kinda stuff weird.

as for it being unhealthy i think it is after a certain extent like dropping plans just for a sunday dinner with the folks but thats just my opinion from my experience

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I know what you are saying, i think you should have compassion for yourself as its not easy with family sometimes and your mum is not gone long you might have been feeling like a bit of effort from your family would have been nice especially since you moved away, i think it is a realization that your relationships with your family are not very deep, all you can do is love them and accept them but if i was you i would not make so much effort as you usually do, for your own personal development, resign that with yourself and seek out the loving relationships that you deserve,

I had to do this myself, I never lived with my dad and my mum left me when i was in my teens and she has never made any effort to have a relationship with me since, it was tough in my 20's as i had no one and you need a soft place to fall sometimes but i got through and i am my best parent to myself now, and have loving relationships in my life, i had to accept my mum for who she was but it was also important for me to not give her too much of my energy cause it is draining chasing something that just isn't there. So now its just an odd email from time to time.

All the best, i hope the move to Dublin goes great for you. XOXO

LegacyUser

I am in the same situation as you op. Felt the same during the week. Just mighty p1ssed off that noone will visit.

My mom worked very hard to raise me and my siblings and i am very eager for family especially my mom to come and visit. All though we are now all grown up, my siblings are at home and she still 'minds them'. i have wanted to book dinner, concert tickets - a concert she will like, even go out for drinks, sunday lunch, anything at all for a treat and for her to get away from that maddness. and stay the night if she wishes. god knows she deserves. i really want them to visit.

i know they are busy during the week. and so am i. and weekends can be busy too. but not once in 6 months did they call or visit me. its me making all the effort. i am not far away either. same town. 3 or 4 miles away.

i have a friend. her family comes to visit from the other end of the country once a month.

gagiteebo

Edgedinblue wrote: »

as for it being unhealthy i think it is after a certain extent like dropping plans just for a sunday dinner with the folks but thats just my opinion from my experience

Well I wouldn't drop plans just to go to dinner with family but I do take offence to it being called unhealthy to have a close relationship with family. So far anyone who has called it unhealthy are those who don't have a particularly good relationship with their own family. I don't know anyone else's situation but each to their own, let's not judge eh. I have a few friends who have, how shall I say, difficult relationships with family, particularly parents, and they only wish that they could call them up every second day for chit chat!

rosie79

Personally, I live away from home, my mother is deceased and my father phones most evenings. My father calls to my sister most days as she lives near home. I'm sure he would call to me daily if I lived close by. However, I do have a friend with just one parent left who only gets a call from a family member if something is needed.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think there is any such thing as a normal family relationship. But if you're feeling left out or uncared for then it's an issue, even if it's just your issue. We all get complacent about things and maybe your family need a reminder every 7 years not to take your contact for granted.

muinteoir09

gagiteebo wrote: »

Well I wouldn't drop plans just to go to dinner with family but I do take offence to it being called unhealthy to have a close relationship with family. So far anyone who has called it unhealthy are those who don't have a particularly good relationship with their own family.

Just to clarify, at no stage did I write that I do not have a good relationship with my family. On the contrary, I have an excellent relationship with all of them. We just don't need to talk to each other every day or meet each other once a week (or more) to demonstrate it.

And I stand by my unhealthy comment.

Edgedinblue

gagiteebo wrote: »

So far anyone who has called it unhealthy are those who don't have a particularly good relationship with their own family.

I have a great relationship with my family, but im still not going to talk to them everyday. tbh id find it very unbearable to hear from them everyday.

i'm with muinteoir09 on this one, still find it strange to feel the need to chat to your parents everyday.