Moving on after breakdown/breakup

LegacyUser

Hey,

Two months ago, my girlfriend of 7 1/2 years came to me one day and said she was leaving. She comes from a very messed up background with a controlling and from what I can gather, almost psychotic mother. This obviously had a profound effect on her and she was a very shy person who was low on confidence and struggled a bit in the world. She came straight from the home environment to living with me and for whatever reason, I took care of all of the daily running of our lives...bills, cars, booking flights etc. We moved around a bit for my work and lived abroad but wherever we were I tried to ensure that she wouldn't have to work much and would be able to focus on finding her place in the world/ furthering her education, whatever she wanted...just basically making her life easier.

We moved back to Ireland about 18 months ago and she found it very difficult to get work, and when she finally did, it was a horrible place and she left at the end of last year because she couldn't manage the stress anymore. Also being back home and in contact with her siblings and home situation again was tough on her. She had mentioned to me before about wanting to find her own independence in life and maybe trying to go it on her own for a bit, but she left work shortly after that and we really struggled financially over the past winter. We had also gotten into a bit of a rut where I would sit on the PC and she would watch TV every night. I know this type of slump is fixable and probably happens to a lot of couples, but just filling in the story. When she finally found something new, she took the plunge and left to try and become her own person and sort her life out.

Obviously I was destroyed by it all but I'm coming to accept now that its what she had to do to save her own life in a way. I recently met up with her after about 6 weeks of almost no contact because I needed some questions answered for my own healing and she's in a really bad state. She's struggling financially and the world is really getting on top of her because she has little experience of doing things for herself. She really looked frazzled and worn out.
She's currently exploring the idea of going back to the country we lived in and trying to start afresh there, but she doesn't really know the language (she claims she'll learn it but I don't think shes the language type). Now it may be a good thing for her to be away from all the home troubles etc and she was a happier person when we lived there, but she could get into worse trouble of there as her initial job prospects will be very limited.

I asked her if there is any possibility of a future for us and she said she just can't even contemplate anyone else but herself at the moment and that I should move on with my life. Its just weird for me because 'we' never had a meltdown or a blowout and she's never really painted me as any sort of villain or said she doesn't love me. In any case I know she's quite damaged and it may not even be best for us to get back together, but I think its natural to hang onto the past a bit.

I guess the point of this post is what should I do? Should I keep her in my life as friends and if she moves away then so be it, should I cut her out altogether? My gut feeling is that I could manage OK and still heal and move on with her still as a part of my life but I'm not sure if this is just fantasy.

Kimia

Op you know what screams at me throughout your entire post - it's all her her her. There is nothing about you - what about you developing yourself as a person? It sounds like you have spent the last 7 years taking care of her like you would a child - or living through her and ignoring your own issues?

I don't know. I'm only going on what you have posted. But it really really sounds like you're not taking any notice of yourself. You wrote nothing about how you felt on seeing her after 6 weeks - just how she appeared to not be coping.

She has taken the step to independence and fair play to her - she had it easy with you by the sounds of it - but you need to let her go do her own thing now. Maybe she's not as stupid/dependent/f*cked up as you think? I don't mean any offence but you are not in charge of maknig her life easier - people need to make their own way and you've taken away her independence by doing this.

It was never going to work. People need to be, just on their own, be able to manage life without the crutch of another person. Maybe it coudl work in the future but how can she possibly be happy (and you for that matter) when she's sounds like she has no life of her own?

Take a step back and let her find her feet. You have to stop worrying and try and take control of your own life.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

Op you know what screams at me throughout your entire post - it's all her her her. There is nothing about you - what about you developing yourself as a person? It sounds like you have spent the last 7 years taking care of her like you would a child - or living through her and ignoring your own issues?

I don't know. I'm only going on what you have posted. But it really really sounds like you're not taking any notice of yourself. You wrote nothing about how you felt on seeing her after 6 weeks - just how she appeared to not be coping.

She has taken the step to independence and fair play to her - she had it easy with you by the sounds of it - but you need to let her go do her own thing now. Maybe she's not as stupid/dependent/f*cked up as you think? I don't mean any offence but you are not in charge of maknig her life easier - people need to make their own way and you've taken away her independence by doing this.

It was never going to work. People need to be, just on their own, be able to manage life without the crutch of another person. Maybe it coudl work in the future but how can she possibly be happy (and you for that matter) when she's sounds like she has no life of her own?

Take a step back and let her find her feet. You have to stop worrying and try and take control of your own life.

Plus you taking care of her could be preventing her from becoming her own independent person.

And you run the risk of helping her to get sorted in life. Then she leaves you, because she no longer needs you as a crutch and you remind her of the pass when she was, as you put it damaged.

Moomoo1

hate people like that with a passion

if she wanted to just find her independence she could have done it without breaking up. So either she blamed the relationship for her problems now (=very unfair on you, who moved mountains for her), or she's fallen out of love and strings you along because she cannot admit it.

LegacyUser

Kimia wrote: »

Op you know what screams at me throughout your entire post - it's all her her her. There is nothing about you - what about you developing yourself as a person? It sounds like you have spent the last 7 years taking care of her like you would a child - or living through her and ignoring your own issues?

I guess I give that impression alright, but I'm just trying to give a general sense of things to convey where she is at (imo) so I can get advice on how I should proceed...I'm lucky enough to be reasonably balanced and stable. Obviously I have my own problems and I've worked on myself a lot since things came to a head and 'fixed' a lot of stuff and am living more positively now.

Kimia wrote: »

I don't know. I'm only going on what you have posted. But it really really sounds like you're not taking any notice of yourself. You wrote nothing about how you felt on seeing her after 6 weeks - just how she appeared to not be coping.

I kind of alluded to how I felt towards the end of my post, where I said it was weird because there had been nothing between us specifically that went wrong...well nothing 'terminal' if you get me.

Kimia wrote: »

She has taken the step to independence and fair play to her - she had it easy with you by the sounds of it - but you need to let her go do her own thing now. Maybe she's not as stupid/dependent/f*cked up as you think? I don't mean any offence but you are not in charge of maknig her life easier - people need to make their own way and you've taken away her independence by doing this.

Yeah I definitely respect her courage and determination for doing something about how she felt, but its she just said 'this is it, this is the way I'm doing it and there's no compromise'. After so long together I thought maybe we could have sat down and worked something out, but I guess not in her mind! I think she was that dependent and will struggle to get on top of things, but she does have great determination.
I don't think its fair to say I took her independence away really. Wherever we went I ensured she had enough freedom to choose her path in life by not having to work much etc. and she ended up using the time to just have fun and live easy rather than doing something about it, which didn't bother me at all once we were happy and could live comfortably.

Kimia wrote: »

It was never going to work. People need to be, just on their own, be able to manage life without the crutch of another person. Maybe it coudl work in the future but how can she possibly be happy (and you for that matter) when she's sounds like she has no life of her own?

Take a step back and let her find her feet. You have to stop worrying and try and take control of your own life.

Yeah ultimately I suppose everyone needs to be able to make their own way in life and relationships without that equality are heading for trouble. To be fair she did have a life of her own with friends, interests, passions but it was the practical stuff (I suppose the stuff thats primarily responsible for self worth) that was lacking.
I dont want to paint it as all doom and gloom. When we were together and all this stuff was in the background we could spend forever happily in each others company just talking/ being together. Even when we met recently we talked for 3 hours and it was really enjoyable and fun (when not talking about our situation).
Thats kind of the bit I'm looking for advice on...is it wise to keep meeting up and enjoying her company as her friend, letting her develop and getting on with my own life at the same time?