ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?

Via

Hey guys!

This is a thread for Only Children, to discuss how that background has affected you. Im sure you appreciate that the more honest you are, the more you stand to gain from hearing the accounts of others.

I am also interested in groups for only children to meet and discuss their experience. We are much more rare than people realize, and the disposition is perhaps one of the two most influential factors in human development, so its about time there was a platform for us. Feel free to introduce yourself!

Best wishes,

Romeo

WesternNight

Is this for some sort of project or just for your own interest?

Wibbs

Its not that rare. I know about four excluding myself. Never saw the big deal with it TBH. Might make you more selfish, less family orientated, but beyond that? I dunno. Even there some of the most selfish, least family orientated people come from big families. The only thing Ive noted is that only kids tend to be much better at being on their own and amusing themselves.

liah

It could be rare here, there are an awful lot of absolutely massive families in Ireland due to the whole Catholic thing. It's not that rare elsewhere though.

Either way, I'm an only child but I wasn't raised here. I was raised in a lot of different places. Being an only child has affected me massively, but mostly because of circumstance and not necessarily solely because I'm an only child.

I was moved around a lot as a kid. Within the first seven years of my life I was moved all around California and Arizona, to about 10 different towns and cities and I don't remember how many schools. Between seven and now, I've lived in various places in Canada, the UK, and here. I never had a chance to stop and make proper friends, I don't have friends I grew up with or have history with, and due to being an only child with a single working mother, father who abandoned me, and relatives who live very far apart, my social skills were pretty severely stunted and are still miles behind most people. I get by, but it was an awful struggle that I've only just come out of at 22. I'm a "normal," confident girl day-to-day.. but only as short as two years ago, I couldn't answer the phone, make calls to even friends or family, order food at a restaurant, talk to any strangers, etc. I still have shy lapses. I have abandonment and loneliness issues. I still communicate better with animals than people, as I always had dogs in the place of human friends as a kid. I communicate better in written text than vocally.

But, I'm a mind over matter person, and many people are honestly surprised when I mention that I'm shy or I mention my past. People see me as a perfectly normal, confident, self-assured girl, perhaps a tad on the quiet side before I get to know someone but hardly what I used to be.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been through something similar, so if anyone else has and is reading this-- you'll get through it. It's hard as hell, but it's not impossible.

Still.. I wish I'd had a sibling. I always did. I think it would've made it a lot easier on me growing up. An awful lot easier. People with siblings don't realize how truly lucky they are. I know siblings fight and all that, but at the end of the day.. they're always going to be there. I know it's not the case for everyone with siblings but it holds for the majority. Family's family. I don't really know what the word means.

maggie82

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hobochris

liah wrote: »

It could be rare here, there are an awful lot of absolutely massive families in Ireland due to the whole Catholic thing. It's not that rare elsewhere though.

Either way, I'm an only child but I wasn't raised here. I was raised in a lot of different places. Being an only child has affected me massively, but mostly because of circumstance and not necessarily solely because I'm an only child.

I was moved around a lot as a kid. Within the first seven years of my life I was moved all around California and Arizona, to about 10 different towns and cities and I don't remember how many schools. Between seven and now, I've lived in various places in Canada, the UK, and here. I never had a chance to stop and make proper friends, I don't have friends I grew up with or have history with, and due to being an only child with a single working mother, father who abandoned me, and relatives who live very far apart, my social skills were pretty severely stunted and are still miles behind most people. I get by, but it was an awful struggle that I've only just come out of at 22. I'm a "normal," confident girl day-to-day.. but only as short as two years ago, I couldn't answer the phone, make calls to even friends or family, order food at a restaurant, talk to any strangers, etc. I still have shy lapses. I have abandonment and loneliness issues. I still communicate better with animals than people, as I always had dogs in the place of human friends as a kid. I communicate better in written text than vocally.

But, I'm a mind over matter person, and many people are honestly surprised when I mention that I'm shy or I mention my past. People see me as a perfectly normal, confident, self-assured girl, perhaps a tad on the quiet side before I get to know someone but hardly what I used to be.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been through something similar, so if anyone else has and is reading this-- you'll get through it. It's hard as hell, but it's not impossible.

Still.. I wish I'd had a sibling. I always did. I think it would've made it a lot easier on me growing up. An awful lot easier. People with siblings don't realize how truly lucky they are. I know siblings fight and all that, but at the end of the day.. they're always going to be there. I know it's not the case for everyone with siblings but it holds for the majority. Family's family. I don't really know what the word means.

I am also an only child with a very Similar upbringing to yourself(Only difference is I'm a man), moved around a lot when I was younger,lived in the Uk, Never knew my real father and travelled a lot due to my step fathers Job.Then when I was 13 my Mom and my step dad split up and we came back to Ireland.

I've always felt like an outsider In most places, I'd make friends easy enough but never know them long enough to really get to know them bar one or two Who I've tried to stay in touch with.

Usually people say that an only child gets all the attention, this is true to some extent,But when my folks split I became the man of the house Which Is a lot or responsibility for a 13 year old and aged me very quickly, Learning how to fix things and support my mother while trying to do all the normal things someone in their teens should be doing.

Like yourself I feel my social skills are underdeveloped, I sometimes find myself trying to hard to compensate for this.Despite this, I come across as confident to most people.

I am still haunted by the issues from my upbringing: loneliness,anxiety(not as much),abandonment etc.

It annoy's me to be stereotyped as selfish or spoilt by people who have no clue about my past other then I am an only child, Almost as much as it annoys me to see another only child living up to these stereotypes.

liah

Yeah, the "only children are selfish" thing really grinds my gears. Just because I'm the only one doesn't mean squat. We never had money. I was always the last of my friends (who have siblings) to get the latest and greatest-- sure, I got my first N64 about 5 years after it came out, when everyone was playing their PS2s or xboxes. I never got to watch TV or had a computer til I was in my late teens. Never got to eat fast food or have sweets in the house, couldn't afford it.

Everything was basic for me growing up, my mom did the best she could but there was only so much she could do on her own. When people say I must've been spoiled I just want to slap them and tell them to look at what they have.

Via

Hi Liah!

Thats hard. And I agree with the misperceptions. Interestingly, you also basically described my experience word for word as well. To the letter, even. First of all Id like to encourage any and all onlies on the forum to add their accounts, so that similarities such as these can first be recognized.

I grew up in extreme poverty as a traveler, and by now I have lived, against my deepest wishes, in Thirty different places. Considering Im not even thirty, it has been as mad as it sounds. I am the son of an only child too, and he was the son of an only child as well. My father was a rake, a demonic Greek womanizer, and my parents filed for divorce on the day I was born.

If you have any similarities, please detail, if not, whats your story?

best wishes,

Romeo

WesternNight

WesternNight wrote: »

Is this for some sort of project or just for your own interest?

Would appreciate an answer to this before I go into any detail about my own experiences. Gathering research or just curious?

Via

Western Night:

If you want to talk about it, youre very welcome to go ahead, as the rest of us are doing. To me personally, that question is irrelevant, as all I think you need to know is that I (the OP) am an only child, and whatever you say wont be used officially or recorded in a way accessible to organizations by me. It isnt for a college or research project affiliated with any group, its just onlies finding out more about being one. Im sure some of our experiences are the same.

WesternNight

Via wrote: »

Western Night:

If you want to talk about it, youre very welcome to go ahead, as the rest of us are doing. To me personally, that question is irrelevant, as all I think you need to know is that I (the OP) am an only child, and whatever you say wont be used officially or recorded in a way accessible to organizations by me. It isnt for a college or research project affiliated with any group, its just onlies finding out more about being one. Im sure some of our experiences are the same.

Perfect, that's all I wanted to know.

My experience of being an only child wasn't particularly bad. Growing up I always wanted siblings, but it wasn't to be. It was lonely at times and I may have benefited from a bit more of a social environment but overall I think I turned out pretty well.

As for only children growing up to be selfish and greedy...I can't say I agree. I know that I didn't, but that's got nothing to do with being an only child or not. That's more to do with the parents and what you learn from them. Perhaps only children are more likely to be over indulged, but it's certainly not exclusive to them.

Eve_Dublin

liah wrote: »

Still.. I wish I'd had a sibling. I always did. I think it would've made it a lot easier on me growing up. An awful lot easier. People with siblings don't realize how truly lucky they are. I know siblings fight and all that, but at the end of the day.. they're always going to be there. I know it's not the case for everyone with siblings but it holds for the majority. Family's family. I don't really know what the word means.

Sorry, don´t mean to butt in on your thread only children but just want to say one little thing to dispell the "happy families Brady Bunch myth": I´m the youngest of your typical, last-of-a-dying-breed large Irish family and your comment above struck me. My mother died when I was young (probably from the stress of so many kids) and I was heartbroken over it for years and still am to some degree...the idea of going through that again with my immediate family members wakes me up in cold sweats sometimes but I know as the youngest of this large family, if things go the way nature intended, I´ll have to endure the deaths of 6 more people I love more than anything.

I don´t mean to sound flippant but this is one reason I was always a little jealous of only children or those from smaller families. They won´t always be here and the inevitable pain that´s in my future is not easy to deal with if you´ve already had a taste for it.

And yeah siblings do fight but some siblings fight more than others...we´ve one or two "black sheep" (to put it kindly) in my family.....they´re a constant worry and have always been a source of stress for all of us. The grass isn´t always greener.

WesternNight

Actually, another thing about being an only child.

It's only really occurred to me in the last few years, but being an only child (for me anyway) means that when one of my parents dies, it's me that'll have to carry the majority of that burden. It's me who'll have to look after things financially and practically...and when both my parents are gone, I'll pretty much be on my own. No brothers or sisters, no nieces or nephews. I'll have my OH and extended family, and any children I might have...but as far as actual family goes, I'll have no-one.

That's a real reality check for me and it's something I'm absolutely dreading.

If I ever have children I'll be having more than one (not too many more, mind you!). Either that or none at all.

Via

Western Night and Hobochris, thanks very much for your contribution. It is exactly to realize more about our disposition that I started this thread, and I empathise with the "sole survivor" phenomenon. Partly I get over it by hating and distancing myself from my parents, though they did a good job of that too. One suggestion would be to distance yourself from them for several years, giving you a taste of what its like to be your own man, a lone wolf in the world. When you survive those years, you may well, like me, have a different emphasis. Im only suggesting this in such clear terms because it has worked for me.

Hobochris, again I saw several similarities between your history as you described it, and another contributor here. And mine as well.

In starting this thread, it was my hypothesis that the variable of Only Child or Having a Family would be one of the most significant predictors of ones nature, outlook and fate. I welcome any Only to add theirs, and for those who have already spoken out to see how much they can divulge in the name of progress. We have to know this enemy.

Via

WesternNight

Via wrote: »

Western Night and Hobochris, thanks very much for your contribution. It is exactly to realize more about our disposition that I started this thread, and I empathise with the "sole survivor" phenomenon. Partly I get over it by hating and distancing myself from my parents, though they did a good job of that too. One suggestion would be to distance yourself from them for several years, giving you a taste of what its like to be your own man, a lone wolf in the world. When you survive those years, you may well, like me, have a different emphasis. Im only suggesting this in such clear terms because it has worked for me.

Hobochris, again I saw several similarities between your history as you described it, and another contributor here. And mine as well.

In starting this thread, it was my hypothesis that the variable of Only Child or Having a Family would be one of the most significant predictors of ones nature, outlook and fate. I welcome any Only to add theirs, and for those who have already spoken out to see how much they can divulge in the name of progress. We have to know this enemy.

Via

I wouldn't distance myself from my parents purely to try to soften the blow of being without them when they die. It sounds like you have other reasons for doing it yourself, but really, it's a terrible suggestion.

Also...what is the enemy?