Closing my heart

nicegirl

I have been so hurt in the past by men, that I have now decided to completely close my heart, and be single for a long time. I have lost hope of a nice lad actually getting to know me, and I'm too shy to talk to lads anyways. I have realised it is impossible to find a needle in a hay stack and in my case, them to find me, cos I'm too shy to talk to anyone, and have no confidence at all that way.

Would I be right with my decision? Has anyone decided this as well, being better off single instead of meeting someone, and inevitably getting hurt in the long run anyways? Anyone being single for years? Have you been better off than getting hurt in the long run?

PK2008

Yep and Im not gonna lie its great, I love it. I do what I want, when I want, never have to worry about anyone, did I say the right thing, did I say the wrong thing, listen to moaning etc etc.

Loads of great points to it

sexdwarf

nicegirl wrote: »

Would I be right with my decision? Has anyone decided this as well, being better off single instead of meeting someone, and inevitably getting hurt in the long run anyways? Anyone being single for years? Have you been better off than getting hurt in the long run?

There's nothing at all to say that you'll be 'inevitably hurt', we've all had bad experiences and baaaad boyfriends but don't become too cynical. There are plenty of nice guys out there!

I'd say that when you do meet a nice lad, why not just take it slowly, don't invest too much too soon and then you won't be hurt as badly if things go sour. As for the shyness, that's something you can work on. Why not try one thing a day that makes you feel uncomfortable. Say hello to someone in the corridor, speak even when you don't want to.

I'm a shy quiet person and I never thought I'd find a nice guy after all the duds but I did!

nicegirl

sexdwarf wrote: »

There's nothing at all to say that you'll be 'inevitably hurt', we've all had bad experiences and baaaad boyfriends but don't become too cynical. There are plenty of nice guys out there!

I'd say that when you do meet a nice lad, why not just take it slowly, don't invest too much too soon and then you won't be hurt as badly if things go sour. As for the shyness, that's something you can work on. Why not try one thing a day that makes you feel uncomfortable. Say hello to someone in the corridor, speak even when you don't want to.

I'm a shy quiet person and I never thought I'd find a nice guy after all the duds but I did!

I have just lost heart in the whole thing. The person I want does not want me, and the one that wants me I don't want them! I'm just tired of getting hurt. I have no problem with my friends that are lads, and get on great with lads at work, but if its someone I like, I can't do anything about it cos I'm very shy. Just tired of ending up heart broken, and its not worth it

sexdwarf

I know exactly how you're feeling, we've all been there. Maybe the best thing to do is just to give yourself a little time to get over the current disappointment. Look after yourself and enjoy the time and freedom you have while single. If, down the road, you feel open to pursuing a relationship, why not. If not, that's fine. Don't make any big life decisions now while you're feeling hurt and miserable. Hope you feel better!

Nidot

nicegirl wrote: »

I have just lost heart in the whole thing. The person I want does not want me, and the one that wants me I don't want them! I'm just tired of getting hurt. I have no problem with my friends that are lads, and get on great with lads at work, but if its someone I like, I can't do anything about it cos I'm very shy. Just tired of ending up heart broken, and its not worth it

I think you need to take a step back here nicegirl.

For everyone they don't always get the person they fancy the most at some point in time, but that's called life. I wouldn't look into it too much.

It's interesting to note that you seem to define that you seem to need to be either looking for someone or not from your post. Like you say that you just give up looking.

I would of thought that for most people they never give up looking. You need to realise that being with someone is just one aspect of your life, it does not define who you are or what you can do.

Why give up looking completely, why not just take it as it comes, there's no problem with taking chance as they arise. But closing yourself off from all opportunities would be the one thing which I would not recommend.

nicegirl

sexdwarf wrote: »

I know exactly how you're feeling, we've all been there. Maybe the best thing to do is just to give yourself a little time to get over the current disappointment. Look after yourself and enjoy the time and freedom you have while single. If, down the road, you feel open to pursuing a relationship, why not. If not, that's fine. Don't make any big life decisions now while you're feeling hurt and miserable. Hope you feel better!

Thanks for your comment, you are very kind. I have been single for a few years, but more recently have been really hurt, and just left in tatters. I'm just so disappointed with all of it, and tired of being hurt, and I can't go through it again, cos I'm a really sensitive girl!

It would be great if a nice lad would come along and that, but he would have to come along to me, cos I'm too shy, and then I would have to like him, and then if we get on alright and that! I just think I'm cursed with lads, and its all like rubber and glue for me. I mean lads never approach me when I'm out anyways, so not much I can do about it all.

Sorry I don't mean to sound negitive, or seek sympathy or that, maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself at the moment or something

sexdwarf

You're entitled to feel sorry for yourself from time to time! Mightn't be a bad idea to start working a little bit on the shyness, life's too short to let these things hold you back.

Guys rarely ever approached me on nights out when I was single, I'm not like the back of a bus or anything, but that's just the way it was! I realised (and I was VERY shy!) that I had to make things happen for myself, take a chance with people and see what happened. It defo worked for me.

I don't mean start flirting like an insane person with every guy who comes your way, just start pushing yourself a little further in terms of conversation with people - men and women. You'll find that it gets easier the more you do it...

Kimia

Nicegirl I am sympathetic up to a point but when you constantly say things like:

I'm too shy to talk to lads anyways

if its someone I like, I can't do anything about it cos I'm very shy

he would have to come along to me, cos I'm too shy

so not much I can do about it all

I am not surprised that you're alone. You have completely taken yourself out of the equation and seem to be passively waiting for a nice man to come along and take charge.

It doesn't work like that. What you put in, you will get back. If you're happy enough to accept that you're shy, therefore you'll never meet anyone, that's fine, but it doesn't sound like you're happy like this.

You need to realise that you have to take a chance, and keep taking them even if you get hurt or rejected. As someone said before, that's life. If we all crept into a cave and hid every time we got hurt or rejected there would be noone left out in the world!!

So dust yourself off and lick your wounds for a while, but don't just accept this as 'there's nothing you can do'. There's loads you can do. Best of luck.

Nidot

Kimia wrote: »

It doesn't work like that. What you put in, you will get back. If you're happy enough to accept that you're shy, therefore you'll never meet anyone, that's fine, but it doesn't sound like you're happy like this.

You need to realise that you have to take a chance, and keep taking them even if you get hurt or rejected. As someone said before, that's life. If we all crept into a cave and hid every time we got hurt or rejected there would be noone left out in the world!!

So dust yourself off and lick your wounds for a while, but don't just accept this as 'there's nothing you can do'. There's loads you can do. Best of luck.

Have to completely agree with Kimia here. Life's what you make of it, yes right now it probably hurts but that will fade. And you know what, it'll fade faster the more you get out there.

Maybe take a few weeks to re-evaluate what you're looking for and then go out there and get it.

For instance if it's someone you can have a meaningful relationship with, then maybe not looking for it in the places you already are looking for it in would be the way to go.

There are people everywhere and it's in the things that we're interested that we find people who we connect with. Like the guy in the bookshop who's looking in the same section as us, or the guy in the gym who seems to be doing the same stuff as us, or a million other places where we have the opportunities for interaction but we choose not to take them.

What I'm trying to say it, don't close youself off from people, if anything right now is the time when you should open yourself up more as you will have great opportunities to develop yourself.

katie99

I don't agree with the general statement that you have to 'proactively' get out there and look for the person. Not everybody has the self-confidence to do that.
Let's be clear. Not everyone goes to a gym, bookshop or whereever and can just strike up a conversation with the guy or girl already there.
My own take is that Nicegirl has been hurt more than once and feels helpless to do anything about it. Yes, she can work on her self confidence and self esteem.
But for me the problem is that people who are married or are in relationships don't give a tuppeny ****e about those of us still single.
They only want us around when their other half is away or for the one night a month girly night out.
From my experience when I do out with my married friends or friends in relationships all they ever talk about is themselves. They never ask me how I am doing.
So, I've now dropped them 'cos they are no good to me. One of them actually admitted to me recently that she didn't invite me to her Bar B Cue 'cos I was single and she only invited couples. She said half jokingly you can come next time if you have a partner.
I understand exactly how Nicegirl feels right now. I am in the same boat. And I am pissed off listening to 'close' friends telling me I am so good looking and attractive.
Being advised to join a club is one thing. But why don't the people dishing out the advice come out of their cocoon and join with me?
Don't advise friends to do something if you are not prepared to do it yourself.
Sorry for the rant here, but I am sickened with people here advising singles to join a club as if that is going to make everything better.
Nicegirl you take time out and be yourself. Maybe work on your shyness but don't change your personality. You are who you are. And don't ever allow yourself to get hurt again.

Nidot

Hey Katie 99,

I'm sorry if my message came across as maybe being not very supportive. I do understand where the OP comes from. I'm single myself aswell and I know how hard it can be to get out there. What I'm trying to point out here is that by closing herself off from people the OP losses all chances of meeting someone who is right for her. I try to meet people myself but then you do run into people who have taken on the same position as the OP in that they don't want to get hurt. But unfortunately getting hurt can be a knock-on effect of putting oneself out there. I consider myself one of the good guys, who would like to meet a nice girl, but how could I if nice girls like the OP have shut themselves out.

Anyway OP hope you let everyone know how you get on, and what you decide.

Taltos

OP

as someone who was also hurt long ago - here is my advice for what it's worth.

Spend time on your own, with friends and family.
Try new things - new activities.
Get out there and just concentrate on having fun.
Learn to really appreciate yourself - learn how to be happy just being you - not being someone you think somebody else wants you to be.

Now - in doing all this - you might just surprise yourself and meet someone. It could be that a friendship may develop into something more - ideal - as that friend will know you as you. I could be totally off the ball here - none of this might happen - but instead think of all the fun you will be having and the new friends you may make.

It worked out for me - now happily married to someone who at the time was one of my best friends (that is a whole different issue though - taking chances to lose a friendship or gain a partner). But it can work.

Key thing in all this is you.
As some of the above posters said - get out - be proactive - not necessarily in meeting potential partners - but just in getting out and meeting people - learning from them and finding more out about yourself.

If you just wait - look - chances are you will attract the wrong type - those that prey on people they perceive to be victims - huge generalization - but hoping to scare you out of you cocoon here a bit and into living your life the way you want it to be lived.

LegacyUser

"And don't ever allow yourself to get hurt again".
This has to be the worst most self indulgent piece of advice I've seen on boards. How does this help the Op?
Op.. you have a choice to make. You either pull down the shutters and enjoy the security of being single or you decide to take ownership of your vulnerability and stay in the game!!
Regarding your shyness, you have to take ownership of this also. Do you really think being shy is innate? Or do you think it's a mechanism that's developed through experiences?
Either way, the more pertinent question is what do you want and how does being shy affect you obtaining what you what?
If it is a case that you want to find reciprocal love then it is not possible to achieve without being vulnerable because although it is little discussed, love if forged from recognition of another's vulnerability and acceptance.
If it is a case that you have been hurt too many times and you refuse to 'allow yourself to get hurt again' then you will find security and a certain piece of mind.
But, make no mistake if you choose to be single then you will never experience the depths of reciprocal love that two people can share - I've been heart broken twice and I'd do it all over again for a shot at reciprocated love.

Kimia

Agree with the above. Katie I'm sorry that you've been hurt in the past but your post just comes across as bitter and resentful of your friends who are happy and in love. Have a look inwards to see why they don't ask you to bbqs or to go out with them anymore - it may not be because you're single, but because you're single and angry and that puts people off.

OP this is the best bit of advice from Pullingdowntheshutters:

Op.. you have a choice to make. You either pull down the shutters and enjoy the security of being single or you decide to take ownership of your vulnerability and stay in the game!!

It's really up to you.

jimmycrackcorm

There's no harm in taking some time out to be single but you do end up coming back to the same issues. I would say that there is something to the saying "no pain no gain"

LegacyUser

Kimia I thought you gave good, sound advice in your first post on this thread but I think youre jumping to conclusions by saying Katie's friends didnt invite her to that BBQ because she is angry and bitter. If she said she wasnt invited because she was single then she wasnt invited because she was single, end of story. Anything else is projection and speculation.

Kimia

username_today wrote: »

Kimia I thought you gave good, sound advice in your first post on this thread but I think youre jumping to conclusions by saying Katie's friends didnt invite her to that BBQ because she is angry and bitter. If she said she wasnt invited because she was single then she wasnt invited because she was single, end of story. Anything else is projection and speculation.

I don't mean to jump to conclusions but it's just my opinion that maybe Katie should look at other reasons for her friends not inviting her. It may not just be that she's single, ya know? But you're right, i have no way of knowing for definite.

Taltos

Very valid observation though.

While the OP may think it is because she is single - it could be for a variety of causes. Why not just ask one of her friends what has changed - it could be the tip she needs - from someone she knows and trusts.

katie99

So she should 'just get out there' like that. hey so simple.
You shouldn't generalise from the particular,
and Nicegirl should put herself FIRST. If she meets a guy she can take it easy with him until she feels herself ready to make a bigger committment to him.
I'm laughing to myself at the general advice to nicegirl. Get out there are enjoy yourself; take up a new pastime;
Where does she do all of that?
None of you have alluded to her friends and the very important role they need to play in all of this.
Or perhaps you think she should go it alone?

LegacyUser

Katie99....
You have placed two posts that are primarily about you thus far. The advice you have given the Op is '..you take time out and be yourself. Maybe work on your shyness but don't change your personality. You are who you are. And don't ever allow yourself to get hurt again.'
And... 'If she meets a guy she can take it easy with him until she feels herself ready to make a bigger commitment to him.'
The rest of your posts are about your issues with your friends and criticism about the other contributers to this thread who have actually offered advice.
Op.. please do not end up bitter because of past heartbreak... please be optimistic and as some of the other guys have stated.. take some time for yourself, get out there (this may be a book club/sports/social group) and get to know yourself.
It is only by pushing yourself into situations that you will challenge yourself and gain a fuller understanding of who you are. This can be done gradually or the 'jump in' method.. whatever suits.
But whatever you do don't become pessimistic or bitter because there is so much of living that you'll miss out on.
Best of luck.

MD!

Hi OP, please don't close off your heart altogether......finding someone is not a race, it can happen at any time and at any age. not everyone is goin to meet and fall in love by the time they are 30, it could happen much later than that. im in my mid 20s and single, would consider myself quite shy and don't have a whole lot of experience relationship wise. rather than close myself off i have just reached the conclusion things are going to happen a little different for me...as they could for you. there is nothing wrong with self-potection, you may even meet someone when your not looking (a piece of advice my coupled up friends give me all the time:rolleyes:)

I think some people are being a bit harsh on Katie99....being deliberatley excluded because of being single. i would be devasated it that were me-a real friend would never do that. i know any time i have been seeing someone i have made huge efforts to include all my friends in get togethers. people can show their true colours when they become coupled up and start showing a very selfish nature that wasn't there when they needed you to go out and manhunt with them.

bedrock#1

A great man once said..... "Truth is, everybody's going to hurt you.... you just have to find the ones worth suffering for"

arsenallegend

I personally think its great been single cause the amount of crap you have to put up with in a reltionship is crazy in my experience anyway. The women i've been with i can't say have been the "one" so maybe that change when i find that person i could be 100% into or Love.

shellyboo

I'm with Kimia, OP. You have to take responsibility for your role in your past relationships, and in life in general. If you sit back waiting for love to knock on your door -- well, it won't.

You have a choice -- fear or love. And life's too short to live in self-imposed fear.

Practical advice? Sorry to say it Katie, but it IS just as simple as getting out there. No need to join a club or start a course; just use the social networks you already have to go out and be open to life and its possibilities. Boards is a great place to start - go to a beers, meet new people, make new friends, create new opportunities.

If you cut yourself off from men and love because it's 'too hard', you'll end up bitter and resentful.

nicegirl

Hi everyone,

OP here. Thanks for all your replies, and sorry I'm only replying now, my laptop is kind of sick at the moment!!

Now I'll start on replies!

nicegirl

sexdwarf wrote: »

I know exactly how you're feeling, we've all been there. Maybe the best thing to do is just to give yourself a little time to get over the current disappointment. Look after yourself and enjoy the time and freedom you have while single. If, down the road, you feel open to pursuing a relationship, why not. If not, that's fine. Don't make any big life decisions now while you're feeling hurt and miserable. Hope you feel better!

Well see I have been single for quite a long time, and have gone out and about and all that, and in all that time only a couple of lads approached me after lots of drink, and I either was not attracted to them (Which is most of the time) or they were after one thing which is not my thing!

My last relationship was 3 years ago, and go out, have a great time with my friends, but this is the story! With regards to me, I like who I am (But am not arrogant at all, but am happy with me) and have a normal level of confidence, and am not shy in any way at all, have loads of great friends, but if I like someone, there is no way I could talk to them or approach them. How many girls would go up and talk away to someone they like?

nicegirl

Kimia wrote: »

Nicegirl I am sympathetic up to a point but when you constantly say things like:









I am not surprised that you're alone. You have completely taken yourself out of the equation and seem to be passively waiting for a nice man to come along and take charge.

It doesn't work like that. What you put in, you will get back. If you're happy enough to accept that you're shy, therefore you'll never meet anyone, that's fine, but it doesn't sound like you're happy like this.

You need to realise that you have to take a chance, and keep taking them even if you get hurt or rejected. As someone said before, that's life. If we all crept into a cave and hid every time we got hurt or rejected there would be noone left out in the world!!

So dust yourself off and lick your wounds for a while, but don't just accept this as 'there's nothing you can do'. There's loads you can do. Best of luck.

See I have been hurt so many times at this stage, I cannot go through it again, as it has flattened me. On the other hand, I am a confident enough girl, and all that, but I just cannot talk or approach someone I like. I wouldn't have the first clue what to say to them.

And as for joining clubs etc, I have alot of other crap going on at the moment, and joining clubs or that does not interest me at all. I spend lots of time with my friends, as well as other business at the moment.

Its all just a Catch 22 situation, that I am sure many girls maybe can relate to?

nicegirl

Nidot wrote: »

Hey Katie 99,

I'm sorry if my message came across as maybe being not very supportive. I do understand where the OP comes from. I'm single myself aswell and I know how hard it can be to get out there. What I'm trying to point out here is that by closing herself off from people the OP losses all chances of meeting someone who is right for her. I try to meet people myself but then you do run into people who have taken on the same position as the OP in that they don't want to get hurt. But unfortunately getting hurt can be a knock-on effect of putting oneself out there. I consider myself one of the good guys, who would like to meet a nice girl, but how could I if nice girls like the OP have shut themselves out.

Anyway OP hope you let everyone know how you get on, and what you decide.

I'm referring to the part in bold here. When I say I've decided to close off my heart, I'll continue to go out with my friends and have a good time and all that, but won't be going out anymore with the idea possibly of meeting someone. (Someone approaching me, as it just dosn't happen)

The top and bottom of the situation is, as crap as it is, I'm way too shy to appraoch a lad, (Partly cos I've been so badly hurt in the past), and then when I am out lads don't approach me.

I would like to meet a nice person, but with the problems I have mentioned above it will be alot harder. Then on top of that, should someone approach me that I like, it would more than likely end, and getting hurt again, and back to square one again. So at the moment, I'm just going to forget about it all, and have been so hurt in the past, I don't think I could go through it again

My english is useless, and I hope it doesn't seem like a contradiction, but I hope you get what I am talking about. I am terrible at explaining things!

nicegirl

MD! wrote: »

Hi OP, please don't close off your heart altogether......finding someone is not a race, it can happen at any time and at any age. not everyone is goin to meet and fall in love by the time they are 30, it could happen much later than that. im in my mid 20s and single, would consider myself quite shy and don't have a whole lot of experience relationship wise. rather than close myself off i have just reached the conclusion things are going to happen a little different for me...as they could for you. there is nothing wrong with self-potection, you may even meet someone when your not looking (a piece of advice my coupled up friends give me all the time:rolleyes:)

I think some people are being a bit harsh on Katie99....being deliberatley excluded because of being single. i would be devasated it that were me-a real friend would never do that. i know any time i have been seeing someone i have made huge efforts to include all my friends in get togethers. people can show their true colours when they become coupled up and start showing a very selfish nature that wasn't there when they needed you to go out and manhunt with them.

I just can't see things changing when I go out, and am just getting tired of being disappointed and ending up hurt all the time. Thats what I am trying to explain in my thread as well.....with my terrible way of trying to explain it

shellyboo

nicegirl wrote: »

I just can't see things changing when I go out, and am just getting tired of being disappointed and ending up hurt all the time.

If you go out and act the same way then nothing IS going to change. How do you expect things to change by doing the same things you always do?

Your attitude is shockingly lazy, to be honest. You can't expect other people to do 100% of the work when it comes to making you happy in a relationship. If everyone took that attitude, nobody would approach anyone.

If you want to hide behind excuses like "I'm too shy" and expect the world to bend itself to your needs, go for it. But here's a tip: It won't.

nicegirl

shellyboo wrote: »

If you go out and act the same way then nothing IS going to change. How do you expect things to change by doing the same things you always do?

Your attitude is shockingly lazy, to be honest. You can't expect other people to do 100% of the work when it comes to making you happy in a relationship. If everyone took that attitude, nobody would approach anyone.

If you want to hide behind excuses like "I'm too shy" and expect the world to bend itself to your needs, go for it. But here's a tip: It won't.

Ok, well thanks for your opinion on my issue

Denimgirl

nicegirl wrote: »

I just can't see things changing when I go out, and am just getting tired of being disappointed and ending up hurt all the time. Thats what I am trying to explain in my thread as well.....with my terrible way of trying to explain it

first of all take this time to look after yourself pamper yourself and don't be worrying about guys if you get eye contact with a guy you like smile at them,then go about your business the guy will know your interested he may approach you and strike a convo. the summer is here and walking for fitness is a great way to meet people plus stay in shape.i think just loving being you and have a good well being will change your attitude and you'll give off positive vibes,enjoy your life do things you always wanted to do,travel meet up with girls on the boards here and go out and have fun!don't be down about guys.the good thing about being older is the guys you meet don't tend to play games and know themselves more so they want to settle down too.but give it time to suss them out!

nicegirl

Denimgirl wrote: »

first of all take this time to look after yourself pamper yourself and don't be worrying about guys if you get eye contact with a guy you like smile at them,then go about your business the guy will know your interested he may approach you and strike a convo. the summer is here and walking for fitness is a great way to meet people plus stay in shape.i think just loving being you and have a good well being will change your attitude and you'll give off positive vibes,enjoy your life do things you always wanted to do,travel meet up with girls on the boards here and go out and have fun!don't be down about guys.the good thing about being older is the guys you meet don't tend to play games and know themselves more so they want to settle down too.but give it time to suss them out!

Thanks denimgirl I have the best friends anyone could ever have, and love them all. I'll be grand, just down hearted about it all at the moment

,mnb

Ive been single for 11 years. Ive had lots of dating in that time but no girlfriends in the true sense. Man do I feel weird sometimes but thats just the way my life has been so far.
I think you should lick your wounds for a bit. It can be a really useful exercise. Sometimes its OK to feel sorry for yourself for a while. Once it doesnt last forever. Sometimes life does deal you bad cards and you can feel sorry for yourself.
Then I see you meeting someone and falling in love. Because ultimately you want it and its important to you. For me its not a priority and Im afraid of commitment. Im trying to work on that in lots of ways. Some people say its just I havent met the right person. But for you, you dont have that problem.
I think you should work on your confidence though. It will make you more attractive. When you get to a point where you say - Jesus Im happy now, I couldnt care less if I have a boyfriend or not is probably when you will appear most attractive to men.

degrassinoel

done exactly the same thing as the OP, and oddly enough men suffer from shyness too. You're not alone, and it IS a good idea to close the heart for a while, however you may as well be trying to tell the tide not to come back.

being single can be a great thing for self confidence and independence, it can also damage both if you completely seal yourself off from everyone.

keep the pilot light on with your friends and family as i'm sure you will.
Time heals all wounds

dublingal80

my ex of about 6 years ago was completely and utterly messed up. he was my first proper relationship and i was niave so i hadnt a clue. It was unbelievable. When we finished it i was like, im SICK of men, so i had baout 2 years of just having fun with my friends and going out and having a laugh. Then i met my most recent ex (just broke up this week) and we were together for 4 years. It was an amazing relationship and such a pity it had to end, but even though my heart is completely broken, the positive thing im getting out of it is that i now know how i deserve to be treated, as he was very good to me, and i hope to meet someone that has his qualities, plus a few more, in the future and i know i deserve it.
Im not gonna settle. I now know what i deserve

Do what you need to do and usually when you arent looking is when u will find him