Wedding - to go or not to go - the question

LegacyUser

Just looking for some outside opinions as i think i've thought about this issue so much to the point where i've confused myself and am now unsure what to do.

Basically I've been invited to the full wedding of a colleague. Its a bit of a long story but the synopsis is;

i was informed approx 4 weeks ago i would be invited to a wedding by the groom. i did not expect an invite and thought it was to the afters however i was given the invite approx 2 weeks ago and it was for the full wedding which is on in just over a week.

apart from the lack of notice the main issue is that the invitation said just me..as in no guest or plus one?? i am single but assumed that it was always basic manners to put a plus one on the invition of a single person??

as i said before it is to a colleague's wedding and i shall know some of the other guests not really friends but associates. would just appreciate some outside opinions as to whether i should ask if i could bring a plus one ( feels very rude to do this! ) or just get on with it and go along ignore the slight awkwardness that could possibly occur try enjoy myself or not go at all (feel this could be rude also).



sorry for the complexity of my post but would just appreciate some outside opinions on this issue from someone else as i am relly unsure over what to do and do not have long left to decide have yet to rsvp! so what would you do if you were in my position?


Thank you!

gandalf

TBH your best bet is to just ask. As you say its normal for a single person to be invited +1 but check with them to be sure.

IzzyWizzy

If it doesn't say plus one, I would assume it isn't. Am in exactly the same situation myself and decided not to go. I only know a few of the bride's friends and they're either couples or all went to school together, I'm not going to a wedding to stand around like a plank for hours. Unless it was a really good friend, I'd just give it a miss. I consider it pretty rude not to put plus one on invitations of non-family, tbh.

shoes34

A lot of couples don't put a + 1 on their invitations if they know the person isn't going out with someone, or might know other people at the wedding as they may be trying to keep numbers/cost down.

I have received invitations for just myself and also with a + 1.

I wouldn't ask if I could bring someone, its kind of rude and as you said you know some of the other guests but they are not really friends then maybe just turn down the invitation.

ManOfMystery

Why not go yourself for the wedding & meal but ask them if you can bring someone along to the evening reception? That's normally the point that initial conversation has wore off and people on their lonesome start to get a bit restless. That way there's no real extra cost for the wedding and you're not stepping on anyone's toes.

krustydoyle

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Why not go yourself for the wedding & meal but ask them if you can bring someone along to the evening reception? That's normally the point that initial conversation has wore off and people on their lonesome start to get a bit restless. That way there's no real extra cost for the wedding and you're not stepping on anyone's toes.

+1 exactly what i was going to say.. Trust me they wont get offended by you asking..

dudara

Would you consider missing the meal, but attending the afters? Though a lot of weddings I've been to recently have no afters.

cafecolour

I've never understood this - to me it would be odd to bring someone to a wedding when I was single. It's a bit much of an occasion to bring a casual date and it'd be weird to me to just ask a friend to tag along to a wedding with me when they didn't know the person. I've gone single, even to weddings of coworkers where I literally knew no one else, and I've had a blast.

Back in the day, when they were more formal, I think the whole point was the singles came single, and got seated at a 'singles' table, where, god forbid, they might meet someone

LegacyUser

Thanks ver much for the replies so far.

The lack of notice perhaps was only an issue as i'd less time to think about the issue of going on my own. perhaps a good thing in a way tho!! I woulnt consider it as an "afterthought" invite hard to explain without giving all the details but thinking about that now its more a result of the grooms forgetfulness! everyone else i know who he had invited got the same lack of notice but his wedding had been a topic of conversation for a good while so they all assumed they were going as its the done thing in he group to invite everyone while i'm not there as long so was unsure.

perhaps my main hope in posting this thread was for some people to say i've been there went to the wedding and actually had a great time.which i see some posters have said! also i dont think there is an afters to the wedding. (which i dont get myself really what that means since i havent been to many wedings, just that there are no separate guests invited later??)

also i'm a girl does this make any difference, i often feel it does as lads seem to blend in better an stand around at social occasions. maybe thats just me tho!

Walls

Clarifying the invite isn't rude in the slightest, it happens all the time. In terms of going by yourself, maybe they thought they were inviting a group from work who would be all going together, so a plus one invite wouldn't be the thing. Go ahead and ask around after speaking to the groom and see who else is going.

stackerman

possibleweddingguest wrote: »

just get on with it

You said it.
You didnt expect an invite, yet now your wondering if you should ask to bring someone else

Go on your own and enjoy.
Cant for the life of me think why you would think the answer would be anything else.

Cheap Thrills!

Thats a politeness invitation. Reading between the lines there I'd say they expect you to decline.

Reason being a weeks notice (who gives a genuine invite a week in advance to the WHOLE wedding?) and no plus one. If 'and Guest' does not appear on the Invite then it's just for you.

So they gave very short notice and you have no companion to bring and only know aquaintances there....I'd decline....

With wedding invitations the most important thing is you need to accept or decline in writing (if the invitation is in writing) in order that the couple know the final figures for the meal.

If you him and haw and don't tell them till too late or tell someone to tell them and that person forgets to tell them etc (you get the picture) then the couple end up paying up to €100 for your meal. So don't do that.

People are not that bothered whether you come or not, it's more whether you clearly let them know what you are doing.

ash23

I would assume if it doesn't say "plus guest" then it's just you who has been invited. I'm single and aften get asked to weddings alone. I don't mind. The bride/groom usually makes an effort to seat me with people I know.

It's more craic than dragging someone along who doesn't know anyone at all and minding them all night. Plus the option is there to pull. I'm going for a groomsman hat trick at the next wedding

LegacyUser

I'm due to go to a wedding this weekend myself and to be honest, I'm not particularly looking forward to it. It's one of my closest friends though so I'll obviously go.

I'm going on my own though and other than him and his immediate family, I probably won't know anyone else there. I'm invited to the ceremony and the reception.

What I'm wondering is, would it be really bad form if I went to the ceremony and to the reception for a couple of hours, but then disappeared before the dinner? I don't really have anywhere else I need to be or anything, but I don't really fancy hanging around on my own for ages.

The last time I went to a wedding alone, I had a horrible time.

Cheap Thrills!

Goingur wrote: »

I'm due to go to a wedding this weekend myself and to be honest, I'm not particularly looking forward to it. It's one of my closest friends though so I'll obviously go.

I'm going on my own though and other than him and his immediate family, I probably won't know anyone else there. I'm invited to the ceremony and the reception.

What I'm wondering is, would it be really bad form if I went to the ceremony and to the reception for a couple of hours, but then disappeared before the dinner? I don't really have anywhere else I need to be or anything, but I don't really fancy hanging around on my own for ages.

The last time I went to a wedding alone, I had a horrible time.

It would be bad form to disappear before the dinner, your empty place will be noticed and it would be hurtful to the couple! Not to mention a waste of a lovely dinner which will have cost them an arm and a leg !!!!

What you could do is after the church head off while the photos and all that are being taken and come back just before the dinner. Have the dinner stay for the speeches and toast and the first hour or two for the music.

You could head off then just about.

stackerman

Goingur wrote: »

It's one of my closest friends

Doesnt sound like it tbh

The day is about your friend, not you. Suck it up and be there for your friend, it will not kill you.

For the record, I am not the type to have a problem if people came/didnt come to my wedding (a while back now ). But I think it is the least to ask for people to 'be there' for their friends, esp their 'closest friends' !
I would never walk out on a friends wedding, no matter how torturous it was.

username123

Ive gone to loads of weddings alone, when I was single. I actually used to rsvp and say that although the invite was +1, Id prefer to come alone.

Reason being its much more fun to just look after yourself and not have to
'mind' someone if you dont have an actual bf/gf.

Weddings are social events so its considered fine to just happen up to anyone at all and just start chatting. Always an easy conversation opener 'do you know the bride or the groom?'. Great place to find single men, and great place to have a dance with someones grandad or granny and just generally have a bit of craic.

Ive always assumed no +1 meant the invite was for me alone and that Id be seated at a table where I either knew people, or would get to know people.

Redpunto

Just reply nicely that you cant go Doesnt sound like you really want to go anyway.

muinteoir09

OP,

I wouldn't consider a 'single' invitation rude in the slightest - do you have any idea how much a wedding costs in Ireland?

Of course it's possible that you were a last minute invite as someone else had pulled out but is that really a reason not to go? If there are work colleagues there then you'll probably be seated with them. Or maybe with other singles. Most couples do give a lot of thought to who sits where and will make an effort to ensure everyone is at a table where they can have a good time.

But, if you don't want to go then don't go. As someone else posted, the important thing is that you let the couple know so that they aren't paying for a meal that won't be eaten (it really is very annoying).

LegacyUser

keving wrote: »

Doesnt sound like it tbh

The day is about your friend, not you. Suck it up and be there for your friend, it will not kill you.

For the record, I am not the type to have a problem if people came/didnt come to my wedding (a while back now ). But I think it is the least to ask for people to 'be there' for their friends, esp their 'closest friends' !
I would never walk out on a friends wedding, no matter how torturous it was.

I didn't say I wasn't going at all. I was just wondering about heading off kind of early as I'm going on my own. I will go to the ceremony and the reception and I will stay for the dinner and speeches and stuff and I'll see how things go after that. I might disappear for a while between the ceremony and the dinner as I don't expect there will be much happening.

I knew it was a bad idea to try and take off before the dinner so I won't do that. Probably shouldn't have even thought of it or mentioned it.

OP, it's really up to you whether you go or not. Last year I got invited to a wedding abroad, it was a girl who I'd used to work with when I lived in that country. She'd told me about the wedding and being engaged quite a long time in advance but hadn't invited me until 4 weeks before the actual date. She mentioned that she'd somehow overlooked inviting me and would really like it if I went. I knew she'd invited other people a lot earlier as I was in contact with someone else and we both know the girl who was getting married and this other girl also lived abroad and she'd been invited several months in advance.

In the end I didn't go as even though I could have made it, I didn't really think 4 weeks notice was enough as attending was going to require me to take time off work, as well as book flights and accommodation. She's a nice girl and we get on well but I had this nagging voice in my head that she perhaps didn't want me there that much. I could well be wrong, but that's the way things go. I'd figured if she wanted me there she'd have invited me sooner, especially on the account of the extra travel plans I'd have to make in order to attend.

We're still in touch and still get on well and she's mentioned inviting me over this summer with some other people so I'll see how it goes.

pookie82

I know I'm against the grain here but I think it's a bit rude not to put a plus one on a wedding invitation unless you're absolutely sure that the person is going with a pre defined group. Regardless of whether you're single or not at the moment, at a non-family wedding where you're unlikely to know many people, it can be difficult, particularly early in the day, to mingle with other couple or groups you have never met before. If I went to a wedding on my own that was non family I can imagine a lot of awkward standing around outside the church and between the church and the meal on my own.

If you're incredibly extroverted and are happy in these situations then go for it. By the way I have gone to weddings single but they have almost always been family ones and I have always been asked to bring a plus one regardless of my relationship status. It was then up to me to decide whether or not I was comfortable going solo.

I'd be pretty unimpressed if someone invited me to a wedding I didn't know many people at without allowing for a friend to come too. Standing around alone at a wedding can be pretty cringeworthy.

username123

pookie82 wrote: »

Standing around alone at a wedding can be pretty cringeworthy.

See - I dont get this (no offence btw), but its a wedding, a bunch of guests invited to the same place at the same time - why would you stand around alone? Just talk to people. Youre all at the same party. Unless there are VERY defined cliques (which is quite unlikely at a wedding tbh, there are always some people who dont know many other people), just mingle.

Ive never stood around alone feeling cringeworthy at a wedding alone. Im not madly extrovert. You have to make a effort to get something back, you can stand around and deliberately NOT talk to people - then you will end up on your own feeling cringeworthy, or you can go and talk to people and have a good time.

Goingur - I think you shouldnt go to the one youre invited to - its clear you dont want to go, so if you dont want to be there - then dont. Its hard as a bride or groom to spot someone standing around not into it - which is pretty clear by your posts that youre not. Just make a polite excuse and beg out of it. You'll be happier, and if the bride or groom knew how you were feeling(you dont want your guests to be dreading the day, you want them to look forward to it!), theyd be happier.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Goingur - I think you shouldnt go to the one youre invited to - its clear you dont want to go, so if you dont want to be there - then dont. Its hard as a bride or groom to spot someone standing around not into it - which is pretty clear by your posts that youre not. Just make a polite excuse and beg out of it. You'll be happier, and if the bride or groom knew how you were feeling(you dont want your guests to be dreading the day, you want them to look forward to it!), theyd be happier.

Thanks for this, although to be honest I don't think I'd forgive myself if I didn't go. I'm not hugely thrilled at the prospect of going but at the same time I'm not dreading it either and I'm sure it will be grand.

Chinafoot

pookie82 wrote: »

I know I'm against the grain here but I think it's a bit rude not to put a plus one on a wedding invitation unless you're absolutely sure that the person is going with a pre defined group.

But she is, she's going with the work crowd, or at least that would be the groom's assumption. I don't think the issue is that the OP is single, but rather that she's a colleague. He's invited a few of his mates form work and expecting a +1 for each person (which means people the bride and groom may not know at all and adding to the cost) is a bit much.

OP, you said there are no separate invites for the afters. To me that sounds like the couple want a small wedding. You should go with the work crowd and have a good time. You'll more than likely be seated at the same table as them so it's not like you won't have anyone to talk to.

IzzyWizzy

username123 wrote: »

See - I dont get this (no offence btw), but its a wedding, a bunch of guests invited to the same place at the same time - why would you stand around alone? Just talk to people. Youre all at the same party. Unless there are VERY defined cliques (which is quite unlikely at a wedding tbh, there are always some people who dont know many other people), just mingle.

Ive never stood around alone feeling cringeworthy at a wedding alone. Im not madly extrovert. You have to make a effort to get something back, you can stand around and deliberately NOT talk to people - then you will end up on your own feeling cringeworthy, or you can go and talk to people and have a good time.

Goingur - I think you shouldnt go to the one youre invited to - its clear you dont want to go, so if you dont want to be there - then dont. Its hard as a bride or groom to spot someone standing around not into it - which is pretty clear by your posts that youre not. Just make a polite excuse and beg out of it. You'll be happier, and if the bride or groom knew how you were feeling(you dont want your guests to be dreading the day, you want them to look forward to it!), theyd be happier.

You' say you're not madly extrovert, but you're evidently not an introvert either. Going to the wedding of someone I didn't really know, alone, would be hell on earth for me. I don't think it's particularly immature or antisocial not to want to go to a social event which is hours long and where most people are family members/know each other really well, all on your own. I recently went to a hen party where I only knew the bride to be, and it was incredibly awkward. I did make an effort to chat to people but it felt like I was crashing a private occasion. It would be ten times worse at a wedding. The only reason I'd endure such a thing would be if the person was a very close friend and this is not the case with the OP.

As for the bride and groom, I wouldn't worry too much what they think. Yes, it is their wedding but they invited her at ridiculously short notice without a plus one. If I did that, I'd only expect someone to be standing around awkwardly. Just because it's someone's 'big day' doesn't mean there shouldn't be any consideration for the guests. It goes both ways.

ash23

It's a workmate though? So surely there will be other guests there from work? And I'd imagine they didn't get a plus 1 either.
I went to a work colleagues wedding last year. There were 8 of us invited, no plus ones (even though some were married) and we were all seated together.

Personally if I were getting married, I'd do the same. As in invite my workmates only, not their partners and expect them to mind each other and have a laugh.

pookie82

username123 wrote: »

why would you stand around alone? Just talk to people. Youre all at the same party.

Although you say you're no extrovert, and I believe you, it takes a certain type of person to be able to do this unrelentingly all day long (and a wedding is a long day!).

I've been at social occasions before where conversation runs dry with a stranger after a few nice preliminaries. It would personally exhaust me to do this all day long. I know the OP said she knew other work people there but called them "associates" rather than friends. She may have nothing in common with these people, so it's difficult to go beyond "nice day isn't it? Lovely food" etc.