My wife thinks her Brother & wife are swingers

castle

My wife was out Tuesday night with her friends in a pub she normally would not be in. While she there she saw her brother's wife kissing a strange man.At this point she was about to ring me to ask what should she do but then her brother walked over to his wife hand in hand with another woman and also kissed this woman .
They could not see her but now she does not know what to say when she see's her brother and wife this weekend as they are minding our children Saturday.
I have told her not to say anything as it is their own affair but she feels odd and even suggested not leaving our children with them on Saturday to which I said that minding our children is completly nothing to do with them swinging and of course I still want them to stay over with their counsin's.
This couple I have to say always seem happy so I say leave them to it but wife can't get it out of her head and feels her duty to say something,no talking to her when she is like this.

krudler

Its none of her business, swingers arent deviants or paedophiles, they're consenting adults who look to people outside their marriage for sex.

cafecolour

Well, you seem to know the deal - i.e. it's none of her business, it's still fine leaving the kids with them, and she definitely shouldn't say anything.

So I gather you are asking advice on how to persuade your wife? That's a hard one. She seems to like creating conflict and drama if she wants to confront them on this. Possibly suggesting to her that that's not healthy, and suggest counseling.

LighterGuy

Thought Id add my opinion on this one...

if they are swingers. It is there own lifestyle choice. And hey, im on the side of thinking swinging is mental :P why on earth would/could you let someone sleep with the person you love/date/care about. I think its madness. But its peoples choices. I dont think this should worry you about them looking after your kids.

I can understand why you wife would be worried to a certain degree. But in the wrong context. Alot of swingers are known for trying to share their lifestlye onto others (not all.. but alot do) But your childen are children. Swinging doesnt make them pedos. I'm pretty sure your brother in law & wife would be responable as any other.


If your kids were teenagers. Then yes. I can see why your wife would be worried. Teenagers would be entering a sexual stage in their life. Conversations/curiousity may arise. They are in that stage of exploration. But also immature and ... dare I say, naive. Teenagers aint stupid. They might even ask certain questons. Swingers have a very big tendacy to share their lifestyle. Almost like trying to "convert" others. Its alot like the way religious people trying to say "this choice is good" .... I would not leave a teenager with a person who swings. Out of fear certain coversations might arise.

But from the sounds of it your children are kids. So alot goes on personal charactistics than choice of lifestyle. If you left your kids at someone who was gay (say a family member) it doesnt make him a pedo. But you certainly wouldnt leave your kids with someone who is a drunk or does drugs.

Beruthiel

castle wrote: »

I have told her not to say anything as it is their own affair but she feels odd and even suggested not leaving our children with them on Saturday to which I said that minding our children is completly nothing to do with them swinging and of course I still want them to stay over with their counsin's.
This couple I have to say always seem happy so I say leave them to it but wife can't get it out of her head and feels her duty to say something.

Her duty? On what grounds?

You have it exactly right, it is none of her business.
Hey, there are many things out there that people do which would make me run a mile, but it's hardly any of my business now is it?
Humans come in all shapes, sizes, types, none of us alike. All with different needs and tastes.
Just because your wife does not approve, it hardly gives her the right to push her way of living life on her sister!
They are grown adults and will be quite capable of taking care of your kids. After all, up until this point, none of ye knew about this side of their relationship. Therefore, it's not being shoved in your faces. Your wife needs to count to ten and think first.

sam34

castle wrote: »

but wife can't get it out of her head and feels her duty to say something,no talking to her when she is like this.

her duty??

its their private life, absolutely none of her business

how would she like it if they started poking their noses into your sex life

dory

Lots of people are swingers, or knowingly let their spouse sleep with other people. It doesn't make them bad people. I don't understand it myself, but would never judge anyone else for doing it.

But as for convincing your wife - haven't got a clue.

AnonoBoy

Here's the scene:

Your Wife: I saw ye in the pub. I know what you're up to.
Brother and Wife: Oh yeah. We're swingers. *slight embarrassment*
Your Wife: Well I thought it was my duty to say something to ye.
Brother and Wife: Eh...... ok?
*awkward silence*
Brother and Wife: Would you like a biscuit with your tea?
Your Wife: Yes please ya pervert.


Can't see what good would come of it to be honest.

catmelodian

Perhaps a little swinging could stoke the embers of your own marriage?

Cheap Thrills!

If there is no talking to her, there isn't much you can do really.

If she doesn't 'get it' that it's none of her business let her go ahead and do her 'duty' and make a show of herself!!!

6th

catmelodian wrote: »

Perhaps a little swinging could stoke the embers of your own marriage?

Unhelpful post. Infracted and banned for 1 week.

tbh

add another vote to the "tell your wife to mind her own business" pile.

Neyite

its her brother, so if its her duty, why has'nt she said anything already?

sounds like she wants you to back her up on this when she blows the lid off it - and it will blow up - how can you explain without explaining to the grandparents why you dont allow your kids over anymore? how do you explain frosty atmosphere at family gatherings?

if you dont want to get involved - and it sounds like you dont, make it clear to her that you will not support her on this, publicly or privately. if she has a duty to say something, surely they then have an equal duty to discuss and judge her sex life? would she be happy with an open discussion with her brother on what you both do between the sheets? if she isnt, then she should rethink her stance.

Oryx

Your wife phoned you from the pub to see what she should do about it?? What was she thinking of doing? Phoning the guards? Joe Duffy maybe?

Her brother and his wife are still the same people they were before she knew this, the only thing that has changed is her nose is out of joint about it. But you know this, youre trying to get her to see sense.

Ask her to consider this: How would she feel if these people or other close family refused to call to your house because you:
Have a vibrator under your bed/Eat pork on Sundays/Dont go to mass/Do go to mass/Crashed your car once/Play online poker etc etc I doubt she would like people making assumptions about her based on certain isolated (and private) things she does. Ask her why she is so upset about it, what is it that is niggling her so, and why she feels it is her 'duty' to do something.

Your wife is inflicting her own version of morality, and her ideas on what kind of person swings, onto these people. They are adults, she is not their moral guardian. Unless they are being lewd or use suggestive behaviour in a way that directly affects her, or they do things that affect the kids, she has no right to interfere, imo.

Swinging does not necessarily make them dangerous, deviant, or bad to be around. Its a choice they have made and it seems to work for them. I doubt they exactly advertise the fact to all and sundry. If she has a problem about it and cant help interfering, then she should approach them directly and explain that she has seen them with someone, and that it makes her uncomfortable. That at least gives them a chance to talk to her about it. Though I would presume it will inevitably lead to long term awkwardness.

In this case, least said, soonest mended. Contrary to what she might think, swinging is a choice, not a contagion.

stackerman

sam34 wrote: »

her duty??

its their private life, absolutely none of her business

how would she like it if they started poking their noses into your sex life

+1
Op It sounds to me like your wife is just itching to get the gossip, and thats all. The rest is just an excuse to stick her nose in wher it does not belong !
Keep out of it.

username123

None of your wifes business and the part about not leaving the kids with them just shows she doesnt understand what swinging is. Would she be reluctant to leave the kids with a single person who had maybe 5 or 6 different sexual partners in a year? With a single homosexual? With a homosexual couple? With a celibate?

Why would someone elses sexual interests be any of her business - so long as they are consenting adults?

How would she feel if the brother phoned her and said he felt it was his duty to speak to her because he heard you making a loud grunting noise as you jumped off the wardrobe to have sex with your wife?

Their lives, their choices. Tell your wife to cop on and stay out of it.

She has a duty to mind her own business and thats it.

Redpunto

I would have to say its more scandal than anything, I can understand her being shocked by it, I suppose her reluctance about leaving the kids with them might be more to do with the fact that she thought she knew everything about teh couple and now suddenly she feels she doesnt know them at all. Definately wouldnt say anything but saying that I would have second thoughts about leaving my kids with people who participate in an activity that I wouldnt agree with.

fungun

its your wifes brother, if she wants to talk to him let her at it id say but make it clear you wont have anything to do with it.
the fact that they were kissing other people in the pub suggests that they arent hiding it anyway and will be fine if its brought up (although its not clear to me that this was definitely more than a flirty kiss on the cheek, but maybe it was)

You try to persuade her not to talk = you getting hassle now and every time this comes up

You saying you dont want anything to do with it and her choice = less hassle from her and maybe she will realise not to be like this in future!

Elle Collins

The swinging is obviously none of her business but who she wants to leave her kids with is.

OP, I agree with a lot of what the other posters are saying but I don't think you should be pushing her about where to leave your children. She has as much right to a say in that as you have and forcing her to put her children in an environment she's not comfortable with could well cause resentments that will spell trouble for your own marraige not to far down the line.

Anyway, it doesn't seem worth it; I don't think this will be a long-term problem. I think if you leave her be for a while she will most likely come round to the idea that leaving the kids there is fine.

Miss Fluff

I think it's no harm for your wife to bring it up with her brother. You said she sees it as her "duty", her "duty" presumeably being to your kids.

There is a good chance that your wife probably thinks that her brother and his wife have a couple of people in gimp outfits nipple clamped to the dining room chairs while your little 'uns sit up for tea beside them in their high chairs. I think it's no harm for her at all to say it if she feels compelled to do so if only to set her own mind at ease that they are not weirdos, they are not riding rings around themselves while on babysitting duty, that they are not perverts, and that their sexual preferences does not make them bad people.

To be honest it IS none of her business but she sounds determined so let her, just make it clear that the confrontation is coming solely from her.

Chinafoot

Oryx wrote: »

Your wife phoned you from the pub to see what she should do about it?? What was she thinking of doing? Phoning the guards? Joe Duffy maybe?

Uhm, read it again maybe...

castle wrote:

she saw her brother's wife kissing a strange man.At this point she was about to ring me to ask what should she do but then her brother walked over to his wife hand in hand with another woman and also kissed this woman.

She didn't ring him and when she was considering ringing him it was because she thought she had just caught her brother's wife having an affair. Perfectly reasonable really. I'd probably ask my partner for advice too if I had seen something like that. She didn't ring, however, when she discovered her brother was also getting amorous with another woman in his wife's presence.

OP, I agree fully that it is none of your wife's business at all and its very easy for us to say "tell her to keep her nose out". She's probably just completely shocked because its her brother. Chances are she never thought in a million years he'd be into swinging. It's probably just going to take her a while to calm down and wrap her head around it. Don't be too hard on her but do try and make her see sense, gently.

If she does decide to speak to him about it (and I don't see it as being any massive catastrophe if she does, I agree with MissFluff that it could be a good education for your wife) do tell her she's doing it alone.