Baby involved - need advice

fabio aurellio

Hello, I am a 26 year old guy, living out my worst nightmare. I have a partner who has suffered from depression since the birth of our baby 19 months ago. The most important issue here is my childs well being, and would really, really appreciate some sound advice.

I’ll try to keep this short, however my problem is fairly complicated & im at my wits end.

I’ll start with a few years back, I had a fairly good job, was earning a good living and had just gotten an apartment of my own (albeit rented) and life just couldn’t have been any better. I had just began to get things right in my life, since leaving college & splitting from an ex who I had a 3 ½ year relationship with. That was a fairly tough experience, but in the end I dealt with it and moved on.

Then after moving home, an old girlfriend ended up back on the scene. So after a few nights out, few dates, one thing lead to another and so forth. Then one day she phoned me to say she was pregnant.

At first I was shocked, but agreed with her that the best thing to do would be to have the baby and that I would be there to support her, both financially and emotionally. We met a few times after that to discuss what the best plan of action would be. I really liked her, thought she was funny, good to talk to, good looking, had a good job, basically ticked all the boxes. So over the first four months of her pregnancy a good relationship developed between us and it ended up that we would give things a go and she moved in toward the end of the pregnancy.

I lost my job when she was 8 months pregnant, and money became an issue. After the baby was born she began to develop the signs of post natal depression. Her mother is an alcoholic and has proved absolutely no help to her at all in the first months after the baby was born.

I got another job after 6 months of unemployment and things again were looking up. However her depression became a constant worry for me.

Her depression began to rub off on me, until the point where I had to go and see a doctor. My personality has totally changed in these few years. I’m aggressive, irritable, drink too much when I go out, cry, despair. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve run out of things to try help her with. Before all this I was known as a really positive person, easy going and good to be around. Im not that person anymore and I don’t think shes the person she made herself out to be during the pregnancy.

She went to see a doctor however I can see no change in her, shes taking antidepressants but I think things are worse than ever. Sex is a no-go, talking has turned into shouting, I cant sit in the same room as her. Im really worried about the effect that this is having on the baby. She doesn’t seem to want to help herself anymore than just take the antidepressants. She sleeps about 9 hours a night then goes back to bed during the day with the baby.

My partner is a good mother. But things are at the point where I feel I cant go on any longer, I do love her but I want to finish with her and move out of our house however I cant bring myself to do it for the sake of my child. I don’t want to leave the baby with her, I feel guilty that I can get out of the situation and the baby is left in a situation someone so small doesn’t belong in. With my partner suffering from depression already, this is surely going to make things worse with her depression and have a detrimental effect on the baby.

So my dilemma is do I stick it out in the hope that things change? Or do I move out and hope that the baby will be ok?

Nevyn

Go to your dr tell them you all need help, go to your local health clinic and ask to speak to the socail workers there, they have access to services and supports to help familys.

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I really feel for you... I suffered pnd for over a year after my little girl was born, I got all the help I needed very early on thankfully, I got anti-depressants, sleeping tabs etc...I have to say it was the most horrible and scary experience I ever went through, I didnt want to love feeling that way....But I had the support of my partner...
I am so happy to say I came out of it and will always be so grateful that he was with me through everything. Now I know for sure it was very hard on him aswell, as he was working very hard, and then coming home to me, not knowing what mood or state I would be in...

Anyway I would suggest that you go and get some help for yourself, try make her go back to the doctor, as it doesnt sound like your partners tablets are working for her at all, she may need to change or review her dose.. I had a friend who was on them aswell, and she slept her life away..the ones I was on did not make me feel that way, so please try and make her go...

I know you are so unhappy right now, but please believe me things will get better, it is very hard on everyone being a parent with little support....
There is lots of networks for mums that may help her also, maybe suggest she goes to a playgroup, some of the chats for mothers who are in the same situation.

If it doesnt improve and she doesnt get more help, then you may have to choose. I will say that when my partner was around I relied and leaned on him, but when he went to work, I slowly start getting up and out on my own, when you are depressed and especially pnd even the smallest thing feels good when you do it on your own and can make an effort..if that makes sense??
What also worked for me was doing one of two things a week that I did before the baby, made me feel human again, and I finally after a year went back to work, and never looked back...I was back in the land of the living. She is in a black hole right now and probably cant see a way out.....

I would like to tell you for all the reasons above to give it another try, but that is totally up to you...only you can decide this. But do look after yourself, and maybe do some stuff on your own with the baby, bring her out etc...And also you and your partner should go out together even second weekend or month if you can get a sitter, you two need alone time aswell...

Best of luck it wil get better :-)

fabio aurellio wrote: »

Hello, I am a 26 year old guy, living out my worst nightmare. I have a partner who has suffered from depression since the birth of our baby 19 months ago. The most important issue here is my childs well being, and would really, really appreciate some sound advice.

I’ll try to keep this short, however my problem is fairly complicated & im at my wits end.

I’ll start with a few years back, I had a fairly good job, was earning a good living and had just gotten an apartment of my own (albeit rented) and life just couldn’t have been any better. I had just began to get things right in my life, since leaving college & splitting from an ex who I had a 3 ½ year relationship with. That was a fairly tough experience, but in the end I dealt with it and moved on.

Then after moving home, an old girlfriend ended up back on the scene. So after a few nights out, few dates, one thing lead to another and so forth. Then one day she phoned me to say she was pregnant.

At first I was shocked, but agreed with her that the best thing to do would be to have the baby and that I would be there to support her, both financially and emotionally. We met a few times after that to discuss what the best plan of action would be. I really liked her, thought she was funny, good to talk to, good looking, had a good job, basically ticked all the boxes. So over the first four months of her pregnancy a good relationship developed between us and it ended up that we would give things a go and she moved in toward the end of the pregnancy.

I lost my job when she was 8 months pregnant, and money became an issue. After the baby was born she began to develop the signs of post natal depression. Her mother is an alcoholic and has proved absolutely no help to her at all in the first months after the baby was born.

I got another job after 6 months of unemployment and things again were looking up. However her depression became a constant worry for me.

Her depression began to rub off on me, until the point where I had to go and see a doctor. My personality has totally changed in these few years. I’m aggressive, irritable, drink too much when I go out, cry, despair. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve run out of things to try help her with. Before all this I was known as a really positive person, easy going and good to be around. Im not that person anymore and I don’t think shes the person she made herself out to be during the pregnancy.

She went to see a doctor however I can see no change in her, shes taking antidepressants but I think things are worse than ever. Sex is a no-go, talking has turned into shouting, I cant sit in the same room as her. Im really worried about the effect that this is having on the baby. She doesn’t seem to want to help herself anymore than just take the antidepressants. She sleeps about 9 hours a night then goes back to bed during the day with the baby.

My partner is a good mother. But things are at the point where I feel I cant go on any longer, I do love her but I want to finish with her and move out of our house however I cant bring myself to do it for the sake of my child. I don’t want to leave the baby with her, I feel guilty that I can get out of the situation and the baby is left in a situation someone so small doesn’t belong in. With my partner suffering from depression already, this is surely going to make things worse with her depression and have a detrimental effect on the baby.

So my dilemma is do I stick it out in the hope that things change? Or do I move out and hope that the baby will be ok?