miserable - depressed?

LegacyUser

I know there's a limit to advice people can give me here because, well, ye don't know me, but I'll try and keep it as brief as I can.
I'm 31. I have an interesting, good job, but it's temporary and I'm under pressure to put my best foot forward all the time in order to "network" or give a good impression so I might get taken on permanently or get a job somewhere else. But, in fairness, in this day and age I'm lucky to have any job.
I have a boyfriend of 3 years, but we live at opposite ends of the country and we're not without our problems. He doesn't really understand the pressures I'm under with my job, doesn't understand a lot of things, and I can't really talk to him. When we see eachother he wants sex...alot, obviously because he doesn't see me, but increasingly I find I can barely go through with it. I can't get aroused, in fact I'm almost starting to panic if I sense he wants that.
I have some friends, but they don't amount to much. I used to go out alot, drinking etc, used to be a real party girl but now that I can't because of my job, and/or growing up nobody seems to be there. I have nobody I can call up, nobody I can call around and see.
I only have a much younger brother and I can't talk to my mother, at least I'd realy rather not, she has enough problems...and in the end, I can't actually figure out whats wrong with me so what would I even say?
I'm fine when I'm at work, but, for example, several times recently as soon as I've got in the door to my house I'm crying.
I feel lost, lonely and trapped and I don't even know why. Everyone would say I should be glad, I have loads compared to some people, and this guilt that I should be happy is making me worse. I'm starting to get very panicky and upset for no reason, although only when I'm on my own. The only person I'd try to talk to is my boyfriend, and it's usually over the phone and very strained. He doesn't know whats wrong with me, just thinks I have PMT or something. I'm not on the pill so thats not the reason, I used to think that might cause it but I'm no different.
It sounds corny but it's got to the stage where I need to do something. I've always pulled my socks up before and got over things but I seem to be getting worse. I have no idea how to go about getting a counsellor and I can't ask my GP as I feel embarrased and he's old and knows my mother. I have hardly any money as I'm paying back debts - are counsellors expensive? Would that even help? I can't keep on like this. I feel so stupid for not just being able to get it together, I'm supposedly a "career woman" and I'm meant to be strong! I'm scared that one day I'll start crying in the office or something and be mortified. My mother suffered from depression for years and I'd hate to end up like that, especially when I have so much to feel lucky about.

Kevster

Hi,

I think you need a consistent 'output' for all of your pain, anda a reliable counsellor is the obvious choice. However, going to your local doctor isn't out of the question either, as he/she could then just refer you to someone else who could help you more. At least by going through the GP, you're more likely to get the right person ultimately.

Taking focus away from your job as the main thing in your life would be advisable too (...or do you even see it that way at present?). You need something to look forward to every day after work, whether it be taking a stroll around the shops, a stroll through a park, or treating yourself to a take-away one night per week to avoid having to make dinner.

...just don't do the same things each and every day. Oicture yourseld as being caught-up in a cycle of bad habits right now, ones which must be changed.

Regarding your partner - well - it's unfortunate that he appears disinterested in your feelings. If you don't love him, then you know what to do. At this point in your life, be aware that by going forward, you might have to take a small step(s) backwards first.

kevin

LegacyUser

Last poster gave some great advice.
I think you would benefit greatly from going to a counsellor. You were able to articulate your problems in writing which in itself is a good exercise I find. Now you need to go one step further and go to a counsellor.
Re the doctor find a GP you are comfortable with. If you cant share this with him then who can you. Any GP will have had a number of people coming in that day complaining of anxiety or depression. This can all be arranged in an hour. Your doctor gives you the phone no. of a counsellor. You ring the counsellor and pay about €50 per hour and arrange a session that week or the next week.
I have had my own problems with anxiety and depression in the past. They never fully go away and while I was grand for the last 6 months Im feeling more anxious the last few days. I find the best cure for me is medication and talk therapy (counselling or psychotherapy). Talk therapy includes talking to an expert or family. Youd be surprised how just sharing a problem can take the pressure off. I am lucky to have some family to turn to. Less and less I have friends to talk to as they get caught up in their own lives with kids and they get older.