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How do you move on?
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25-05-2010 2:57pm#1
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hey thanks for your reply
im not the type of girl to "hook up" so that aint gonna happen first of all
He said he just needs a break to think about everything, us and other stuff. he seems just really confused. he said he doesnt want the next 6 weeks for us to have no contact, he wants to know how im doing, but i have told him that i'll be needing him to contact me cod i dont wanna email or text him and for him to think its too much and im not giving him the space. gonna just get on with things the next few weeks, if he gets in touch-fine, if he doesnt, not to worry. and we will meet up in 6 weeks to see how we both feel. just really wanna try and get over him incase he doesnt properly want to get back. just tough.
but im strong. been through worse
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Well good for you. You sound super strong. I had the same experince with a girl and we got back together and broke up again and got back together and broke up again ad naseum!!! Don't go down that road either. Save yourself from the repeated c**p. Not saying that always happens for everyone though sometimes people do get back together and it works out. You have taken a good stand on it though so well done you!! You will have tough days too so plenty of drinks with friends and ice cream and girly movies (or whatever it is ladies do to forget about things) 0
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hahahah ice cream and girlie movies... and you probably think we have pillow fights in our underwear too
nah i know i'll be grand. he is an amazing person, really and truly and if this really is it, i know what i deserve in the next guy im looking for. he treated me so well, and i know i deserve that now 0 -
Haha apologies if it sounded sleazy
Genuinely though most girls I know do the whole ice cream and film thing though I think it's some kind of guilty pleasure though
Glad to hear you'll be grand though good for you. Go enjoy yourself and your friends and if i doesn't work out you will find somebody who is even better I'm sure of it 0 -
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Oh thats great so. Its more manipulative friends that I was thinking about. I also read this thing yesterday about how women use facebook pics to manipulate situations which I thought was hilarious Thats great that he's away though, it'll give him time to analyse the situation and come to the right decision!!! 0
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Hey OP, kinda an unenviable situation that you find yourself in but the one thing is you will get thru it. These are times when it is great to have friends that you can depend on. I would focus on doing the things that you like, heading out can be great craic and the opportunity to meet and have fun with will keep it in mind that there are other people worth spending time with. Anytime it happened to me I kept myself busy and I found great joy in the stuff that I did. Gave me the bit of strength that I needed to get over the breakup.
P.s. still wish you well even after you have shattered my illusions on underwear clad pillow fights ah well. 0 -
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Hi OP,
sorry to hear about your issues.
The first thing I will say to you is that I suspect this is over. I think your OH knows it as well but is hoping that you'll work it out for yourself and save him having to say it. I could be wrong but that's how I see it.
If you can't imagine being with anyone else, then don't. Allow yourself time to grieve and get over this. When I was going through my break up my friends were telling me 'You should whore around for a while' but the reality is that they didn't have a clue what they were on about. It doesn't solve anything and especially if you don't even feel you want to do this, you'll feel (unnecessarily) guilty in the morning.
It's been a couple of months since I broke up with the gf and at the time I felt I wouldn't find anyone better. But you know, it's not about finding someone better in general. It's about finding someone who's better for you, someone who wants to be with you for the rest of your life and shares your hopes, dreams and expectations.
Friends will be shocked and will tell you stuff like 'You'll work it out' but don't read anything into this. The only thing that truely matters is the signals coming from your OH. Anything that has been said in the past by him means nothing, it's what he says today and in the future that matters.
When you get out there in the world on your own, you'll see that there are some really great people in the world who when you tell them your story (don't go on about it, mind) are more than willing to commiserate and offer advice on how they overcame a break up.
Good luck with all and there's folks on here who'll help you push on should you need to. 0 -
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Hi OP,
sorry to hear about your issues.
The first thing I will say to you is that I suspect this is over. I think your OH knows it as well but is hoping that you'll work it out for yourself and save him having to say it. I could be wrong but that's how I see it.
If you can't imagine being with anyone else, then don't. Allow yourself time to grieve and get over this. When I was going through my break up my friends were telling me 'You should whore around for a while' but the reality is that they didn't have a clue what they were on about. It doesn't solve anything and especially if you don't even feel you want to do this, you'll feel (unnecessarily) guilty in the morning.
It's been a couple of months since I broke up with the gf and at the time I felt I wouldn't find anyone better. But you know, it's not about finding someone better in general. It's about finding someone who's better for you, someone who wants to be with you for the rest of your life and shares your hopes, dreams and expectations.
Friends will be shocked and will tell you stuff like 'You'll work it out' but don't read anything into this. The only thing that truely matters is the signals coming from your OH. Anything that has been said in the past by him means nothing, it's what he says today and in the future that matters.
When you get out there in the world on your own, you'll see that there are some really great people in the world who when you tell them your story (don't go on about it, mind) are more than willing to commiserate and offer advice on how they overcame a break up.
Good luck with all and there's folks on here who'll help you push on should you need to.
hey, thanks for your replies. I know its not any of his friends chewing the ear off him. most of his friends are settled, ie; engaged, pregnant or just been with their partner a long time. i love his friends and we all get on so so well and those that know are completely shocked by it.
also, i appreciate you telling me that its over. thats what i need to hear, because everyone else is holding on that he will change his mind and i really dont wanna hear that right now, i dont want any hope, because i'll more than likely get crushed again. When we were talking last i did ask him, look, if you really think this is it and you dont need the break to think, just let me know, because i dont wanna wait 6 weeks to hear that if i can be told right now and he said it wasnt, but he couldnt tell me we would get back together. he just has to think
oh and i wont be whoring around! believe me, thats not me at all, never has been. was thinking for my first night out to go to a gay bar. that way yeah there will be guys around, but none will be interested in me so i wont get freaked out.
i know i'll be grand. im a strong lady! 0 -
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we didnt argue, and if we had a disagreement he would never give in, usually cos he was right
he said he was thinkin like this for a few weeks, but it was while he was away with work for a few weeks and when he came back we both werent well so we didnt really see eachother that much, so any "signs" i dont think i could have seen
And I said that to him too, I said, i cant believe i didnt see it coming. I said that for the last few weeks any time we did see eachother we had so much fun and im just surprised i missed any signs and he said that there wasnt any signs. that when he came back from being away he wanted to see how the next few weeks went before he made a decision and i told him it wasnt really fair to do that, because we werent well. we both couldnt see eachother properly or spend proper time together, so how could he use that time to see how we got on.
he still hasnt said anything to his family yet. his sister in law was talking to me on facebook last night and wants the four of us to meet. it wasnt my place to tell her because the whole family would know, but just strange its been a week and he hasnt told them.0 -
dublingal80 wrote: »we didnt argue, and if we had a disagreement he would never give in, usually cos he was right
I'm sorry, I can't see how this statement is true. Was he always right or was he more stubborn than you? No one is right even 80% of the time. Relationships are littered with mistakes on both sides, that's the challenge of overcoming them.
Obviously, I have no knowledge of said arguments but I do wonder what he has done to your esteem that you believe in most of the arguments, he was right. I wonder what would have happened if you were as stubborn as he was. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself.0 -
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dublingal80 wrote: »thats what im trying to do. Im telling my friends to stop talking about when cos im convinced that it isnt going to work out, as much as i want it to, i really dont see how it could, and mainly because we were together for 4 years and this is what he does. he obviously wasnt sure for a long time and even if he is afraid to say it, he has fallen out of love with me
Im keeping myself busy, im going away this week and hwen i get back im off down the country to a wedding with a friend and im gonna be going out loads and just trying to forget about it and move on. i have the worst case scenario in my mind which i know is going to happen. all i can say is thank god it happened now and not when we had a place together
heya DubGal, you seem to be very much of the preparing for the worst (personally given the situation I think you are doing the right thing). Keeping busy is the key and trying to maintain a positive prospective outlook helps greatly. You will probably run a gamut of emotions over the next while, from bafflement, to anger, to hurt, disposable with a couple of others thrown into the mix just for good measure. Going thru them is part of the grieving process and its quite ok to feel them all. If they start to come around, dont completely avoid them, ie allow yourself time to grieve if you need to, but dont let them take over. This is were I find the keeping busy aspect tantamount. I have seen people, and did myself in my earlier relationship days, get taken over by the emotions and just do nothing but mope. Breaking that cycle can be very tough. Remember each day will be a little bit less filled with the mental crap of the day before, and eventually all the negative feelings will be disappear. Filling your time with things you enjoy and seeing people keeps you in touch with people and redevelops friendships and will speed up the whole process.
Try to act with pride in how you carry yourself now, if you get to a situation where you have a decision to make, think how you will feel six months down the line from either option... too many times people try to cling onto something that isn't there anymore. Again I put my own hand up there. It can be quite difficult to not fight for something that was so important in your life, but given that the decision is not being made by you and he did not discuss the matter with you, you might just be fighting in vain. The mature thing would have been to discuss this and whatever issue he is having, nice as he is, he didn't see this as an option. Not having a poke at him, just pointing out something, he chose the individual approach to this.
The other thing to consider would be if he did say 'ok missus, lets give it another bash' would you be able to walk back into that relationship? When you spoke in earlier posts I was not too sure if you had hopes of getting back and your know the situation the best so I didnt wish to say the above stuff. Now its clearer you seem more about how to get over it, so I felt I would elaborate a bit more. Anyways you sound like you are taking a sensible approach. I particularly think its a good idea to grab a really good friend and just say 'I need someone to be my biatch' somebody who you can let fully loose the crazy upon/vent when you need to. If everyone is asking how you are about it, each time you go into full explanations of the lay of the land, it refreshes it all in your mind. Eventually you wont talk of this at all, no harm starting yourself down on the right path.
hope that makes sense, though it might be a bit all over the place
Enjoy the time away, and the wedding
ps to any pedants, quite aware that bafflement and disposable are not really emotions 0 -
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Try to act with pride in how you carry yourself now, if you get to a situation where you have a decision to make, think how you will feel six months down the line from either option... too many times people try to cling onto something that isn't there anymore. Again I put my own hand up there. It can be quite difficult to not fight for something that was so important in your life, but given that the decision is not being made by you and he did not discuss the matter with you, you might just be fighting in vain. The mature thing would have been to discuss this and whatever issue he is having, nice as he is, he didn't see this as an option. Not having a poke at him, just pointing out something, he chose the individual approach to this.
Thanks for your reply. At the moment im SO surprised at how strong i have been, As Cheryl Cole says - you gotta fight for the love, and my god that is exactly what I want to do. I wanna call him, email him, text him and try and talk him around but I have said everything I could at the start of the week, so there isnt anything else I can say. He has made his decision and said he needed space, so its exactly what Im giving him. I havent texted him or anything, as frickin hard as it is but I know it will get easier. I want to keep my dignity in all of this.
I just cant fathom why he wouldnt talk to me about our issues, even though they are such small issues!!! I was talking to my friends about this and they were telling me about their friends that are still in a relationship despite: being hit by their boyfriend, by their boyfriend telling them they are ugly, that they dont like the colour of their hair, that they dont have sex any more because they arent attracted to eachother, that the ex wife is more important than the current girlfriend, that the boyfriend has no interest in the girlfriend or the baby and he just sleeps all day.... it just seems such a pity and a waste to throw it away but the more i think about it, the more it just shows that basically he wasnt bothered. he has checked out of the relationship even if he hasnt realised yet. The fact he doesnt want to try says a LOT.
so with my head held high im going to try and move on 0 -
dublingal80 wrote: »
I was talking to my friends about this and they were telling me about their friends that are still in a relationship despite: being hit by their boyfriend, by their boyfriend telling them they are ugly, that they dont like the colour of their hair, that they dont have sex any more because they arent attracted to eachother, that the ex wife is more important than the current girlfriend, that the boyfriend has no interest in the girlfriend or the baby and he just sleeps all day....
Sweet Jebus folks are crazy. Though its never easy to walk away from a relationship it never ceases to amaze me what people will settle for. Thankfully my relationships so far have been pretty healthy and not having me as a runner for appearing on jerry springer, though I think I have too many of my original teeth for that anyways 0 -
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