Engaged..and now preggers!

intothewest

So we had been planning on getting married early May 2011 to coincide with another family occasion that people would be travelling over for. We haven't announced an engagement yet, but had decided on a venue (no deposit paid) and were going to give people the 'head's up' around now, mainly for the purpose of planning their trip (not getting the ring until later in the year). Anyway, we have since had the bombshell news that I am pregnant...roughly 8-9 weeks. I won't be getting the scan for another 4-5 weeks, and so we are reluctant to break either news until (a) scan is done and we know all is well, and (b) til we get our head around what we want to do about getting married.

I am personally very on the fence about a wedding in May now. The dates the doc told us for the new arrival is mid-Jan, but we won't know for sure until we've had the scan. It's not even for the vanity reasons of getting into shape (though I'm not gonna lie, one would prefer to put one's best foot forward!), but more so the financial aspect. The marriage part is important to us, but not the inflated prices everywhere charges just because the word bridal/wedding is before it. Anyway, we were doing a toned down gathering for a smallish crowd, but was still going to be costing a fair whack of money (considering it's for one day). We had said we would do it on the basis that we'd save hard and get as much of it as possible paid off in advance. With a wee one on way though, splurging that kind of money now seems very fickle and I don't want us under additional pressure with all the changes that we will have in the next 12 months.

We found it very difficult to do something low key/non-typical wedding for the number of guest we have (110), and in my opinion, for what we are/were doing I still feel the prices are 'wedding inflated'. Anyway, I 100% know it's down to each couple individually as to what to do in this situation, but just wondering:
- has anyone been in a similar situation and gone ahead with wedding? What was your experience with it?
- if were to go ahead, has anyone has any thoughts...announce baby or engagement first??! I know it really doesn't matter, but just to get opinions.

OS119

hi OP, firstly, congratulations! i would suggest - and i've no idea if you've looked into it - there are, in Ireland, very good legal reasons for getting married before the baby is born: primarily, the rights of the father - if you aren't married, he has none. you can go to court to have guardianship confered on your partner, but it can't be done prior to the birth, and, as far as i'm aware, still doesn't give him the same status as a man married to the mother of his children. lawyer required i fear...

i think, sadly, that harsh reality needs to intrude into what was fanciful 'wouldn't it be nice' stuff - you can no longer concentrate on what would be convenient for others, or indeed what you would like for your wedding, merely what needs to happen. unfortunately, because of the legal situation that probably means getting married before your baby is born, and your financial situation means spending as little as possible doing it.

two things make a wedding expensive - numbers, and decoration.

you need 5 people to get married: Bride, Groom, two witnesses and a registrar/priest. everyone else is superfluous. no flowers, dresses, hairdo's, suits, honeymoon, cars, champagne, banquet, disco, band, rings, fireworks, photos, videos, confetti, or open bar are required for either a wedding or a marriage.

my advice - talk to a familiy law solicitor about the situation regarding guardianship and all the other variables of legal parenthood (the first 30mins are usually free), then have a low key, non-dressy wedding with a minimum number of people - parents, siblings and few very good friends - and then should you wish, have a relaxed party (bbq, cheese and pineapple on sticks type job) at a pub for the wider group of people you were going to invite to wedding plan#1.

don't worry about missing the 'big day' effect - 9 years down the line i couldn't tell you about my wifes dress, or what we ate, or who came, or what the entertainment was like, or if the hotel was nice - but i could tell you how much it cost...

good luck.

intothewest

Hi OS119 - thanks for the frank opinion. TBH, I hadn't thought of the legal aspect of things, so that is defo something we need to think about. The OH is more into the wedding thing, (though he is so without really doing the sums on it all and with the knowing it would be me that would arrange the most of it!!), but I think the thoughts of not having the same rights if we weren't wed would put a different spin on things for him. I've been at enough weddings to know that the whole who-ha is not for me, and he is the same. You want to do something different, but locations that can host such an event aren't as flexible...or at least their prices sure aren't.

Not the most maternal person in the world, but I just cannot justify that kind of money when there is a kid to consider.

Thanks for the info..looks like its back to the drawing board and see what the best thing to do is.

3DataModem

The advice above about a low key wedding is excellent. I would 100% echo that advice. The money will be much better spent (or put away for) baby expenses.

Marriage is more important than a wedding.

PS congratulations - kids are wonderful.



(speaking as a father who's 4 month old daughter is waking every 3 hours, and who's 4 month old son in teething and running a temperature).

Penny Dreadful

Comgratulations OP on your pregnancy, I hope your scan goes smoothly.
As OS119 said you need only 5 people to get married and there are many good reasons given for getting married before the baby is born. You could have an ultra low key wedding pre baby and then, if you wanted and finances allowed, have a bigger welcome baby, baby naming ceremony, Christening, whatever you wanted, type party afterward that celebrated the arrival of your baby and your wedding. Two for one.

Whispered

Congrats OP!

Pennys idea is a good one. You can have your low key cremony now and then a bigger celebration along with your christening/welcoming party.

Where in the country are you? Are you looking for a religious ceremony or one in a hotel. We are doing ours on a very very tight budget and found savings in loads of places.

My dresses are less than 400 for mine and 2 bm's, exactly what I wanted.

We have hired an amateur photographer who is starting out, for a very good price and he has been nothing but professional so far.

We were going to do without a car, but my dad booked that for us. If you were going for a civil cremony, you could cut out all transport costs. You could also have a friend with a nice car to be your chauffer.

Flowers don't need to cost a bomb at all, depending on where in the country you are, there are flower markets where you will probably get a more unique and less "formal" boquet for small money.

Instead of decorating the venue with loads of flowers, we're having candles, ordered from ebay, for next to nothing.

We did spend a bit on the band, but that was a choice we made as the band is very important to us. We could have spent as little as 250 for a DJ. One wedding I was at had the music through an ipod and to be honest, the band wasn't missed.

Call in any favours and accept any offer of help from family or friends. A lot of people offered to cover aspects of our wedding instead of giving a gift. This is great (flowers and cake are covered for us, the transport and half of the cost of the dresses).

Depending on where in the country you are, you can get really good packages for as littl as €30 per head for everything including wine with the meal. I reckon you could push for less and that is when going for a traditional wedding set up. It might cost even less to go for a private room in a restaurant.

It's definately possible to do a wedding quickly and with a tight budget. It takes 3 months for the paperwork to go through. Imagine you could be married by the end of August.

tinkerbell

First of all congrats on both your engagement and your pregnancy. I definitely think that you've got very different priorities now. I also would advise getting married first. Also take into account how many months you will be when getting married. The last thing you'll wanna do when you're 8 months pregnant is getting into a wedding dress. Perhaps you should consider getting married in Sept this year or something? Have a small low key ceremony now with only close family and friends. Then like others suggested, have a bigger party for after the baby is born. Good luck!

namurt

I'm sure it won't bother you but just be prepared that people may ask if you're getting married because you're pregnant. I got engaged at the very end of March and we're getting married in August and a few of his family asked was I pregnant.....not out of any badness but just because it's a short engagement.

If you do decide to get married in a few months don't worry about the silly people who say they "couldn't possibly do x, y & z in only a few months". I just felt sorry for them being such bad sales people and moved on to somewhere else where they were glad of our business.

Good luck with everything.

belle1234

First off a big congratulations to you! It's really exciting news and such a special time. try not to let wedding deliberations get in the way as the time flies by so enjoy every minute of it.

1 mth after getting engaged I found out I was pregnant. At that time we contemplated still getting married as planned the following year. But then we found out we were having twins so the wedding was put off again!

The advantages of getting married when pregnant would be the legal rights of your partner to your child and that you're still free! Once that little baby arrives you will never have that feeling of freedom again. The two of you could go off on a lovely honeymoon and spend some quality time together before the baby arrives. The disadvantages would be you'll be tired, you might find it stressful organising everything on top of getting all the baby stuff sorted and you definitely won't be in your dream dress!

I'm getting married later this year and the girls will be 20months then. The advantage of waiting has meant that we put our savings into me taking unpaid leave and working reduced hours when I went back to work. We now have a new budget for the wedding and are less likely to overspend as you just can't justify it when you have children. And it will be so gorgeous to have the girls with us on the big day.

The disadvantage is tiredness! You're pretty much permanently wrecked and it's hard to take time out to organise it all so it has been stressful. And as we couldn't leave them for a week they'll be coming with us on the honeymoon too; it's not going to be the most romantic of holidays!

There's a family section on weddingsonline. You might get some more feedback there. Best of luck with it all!

Beruthiel

intothewest wrote: »

we were doing a toned down gathering for a smallish crowd, but was still going to be costing a fair whack of money

We are having a very simple wedding in September. We will be having a civil ceremony on the grounds of the place we are eating in.
There will just be our very immediate family and a few friends. Less than 40 in total.
The only thing we are spending money on is the food and wine. (We're foodies, so it will be a tasting menu)
We won't be spending money on anything else. Not interested in buying flowers. Friends will take loads of photos. A dress can be bought in Monsoon or the like. Invitations sent by e-mail. I see no reason to spend loads of money on things that can be worked around.
The important thing for us is just to have those people there and enjoy an evening of good food and wine. Nothing else will add to that.

intothewest

Hi everyone - thanks for the advice. When I say that the wedding was still going to be costing a fair whack, I should have added that that was by our standards...we are by no means wanting to get into the bells and whistles of it all. I got my bridesmaid dress for €80 (just having one) and the wedding dress I was/am looking at was €120 online...we wanted a celebration rather than a wedding. The location was non-functiony (a small boutique hotel...no venue fee per se, but end up paying for it in the per head fee) and as we wanted that kind of setting, it was more than the 'average' hotel.

We're gonna have to have a long hard think about it. I can see the benefits of getting married in advance of the birth. It's a shame of the three month thing here..we'd need to get the finger out now to get that ball rolling in time before I'm like a house! If we did do something pre baby though, I think it would be immediate family in a restaurant somewhere, cos I just wouldn't be arsed with anything bigger...these things spiral very easily, and before you know it, it's more fuss than you wanted!

Arrrggghhhh...I hate decisions!!!!!!

How Strange

intothewest wrote: »

I think it would be immediate family in a restaurant somewhere, cos I just wouldn't be arsed with anything bigger...these things spiral very easily, and before you know it, it's more fuss than you wanted!

We had something like this and it was such a fantastic afternoon/evening. There's a lot to be said for low-key, small and simple.

Ever2010

Op my best mate brought his wedding forward because his fiance was pregnant. They had a small enough wedding for about 40 people in a old little hotel in Wicklow - his wife was 6 months pregnant. Great day! She will say that she was absolutely shattered and would've liked to stay up with everyone else til the early hours of the morning but the little fella made her so tired!