Advice Needed

LegacyUser

Hi guys, ill try and keep this as short and sweet as possible as im sure you've all seen this type of issue many times before. Basically my girlfriend of 9 years is having doubts about our relationship and im pretty worried this could be the beginning of the end. She had been acting strange the last few weeks, i thought i was just being paranoid but after having a chat the other night it would appear my suspicions were well founded. I always thought our relationship was solid but now i'm terrified im loosing or have already lost her.

We spoke for a good while the other night and we are still together. She wants to just spend as much time together as possible in the next few weeks to see how she feels. Ill do whatever it takes but kind of feel like im in a trial period and everything i do will be scrutinised. She said the usual last night, its not me. its us, she feels like we are best friends and there is no spark there. She says she is still in love with me, still finds me attractive etc but has these thing niggling at her the last while. She wasn't actually going to mention anything but i made her talk last night as i knew something had been up.

I really don't know why i'm posting. I guess what i want is reassurance that these doubts can disappear and everything will be fine. Im a pessimist though and see this as the beginning of the unraveling of our relationship. Has anyone been in a similar position and come through it. Im so crazy about this girl and love her to pieces. I know that our relationship may lack the passion and spark that newer relationships would have but i thought for 8 years together, we were doing great. Since she brought it up, I’ve been in a pretty bad way. Feel like crap, cant really eat or work and am having trouble sleeping.

stackerman

inamess
Look at it as a wake up call, try to make more of an effort and try to put that 'Spark' back in, but dont go OTT. It could be that she just feels that things have gone a bit stale and she may be reading more into that then need be. One the other hand, relationships sometimes just fizzle out and people move on. Just stop stressing about it and make more of an effort to keep things fresh, but again DONT GO OTT. At least if things do fizzle out, you can look back and not question if you should have made more of an effort.
Good luck

katie99

How long are you living together? Sometimes, relationships just fizzle out.
Nine years is a very long time and perhaps for her she feels you are just taking her and your relationship for granted.
Does she want to marry you? Do you want to marry her?
Who tidies the house if you ARE living together? Who cleans the loo and the bathroom sink?
Do you take it in turns to cook for one another each evening?
These are questions to basic everyday chores, but if one of you isn't pulling your weight it may affect the relationship.
Has she met anyone else? Maybe through work or some hobby she has met a guy and likes him. She may be comparing this guy to you.
Seems to me that she has reached the end with you.
By telling you she is going to give the relationship a few more weeks, to see if there is any spark left really means she is going to split up with you.
Have you asked her what if any changes she would like you to introduce to your relationship?
Maybe as other posters have said the relationship has run its course and now she wants out.
If you really love her you will respect her wishes.

m@cc@

inamess wrote: »

She wants to just spend as much time together as possible in the next few weeks to see how she feels.

I don't know what other people feel about this but I'd be tempted to do the opposite and for both of you to take a bit of time out to think about the future.

dublingal80

i know exactly what you are doing through. am going through the same thing as you except mine guy wasnt acting weird about anything, so i had no clue and just hit me with it last week that it wasnt working. so i've 90% lost him.
have begged him to try and make it work cos we are so good together but he already has decided he needs space

Maybe the two of you go away for a romantic weekend down the country, get out the house, away from family and friends and just spend some time together. but also, you still have to be you. you cant walk around egg shells around her, afraid if her wanting to end it. sorry dude, hope it works out for you

How Strange

m@cc@ wrote: »

I don't know what other people feel about this but I'd be tempted to do the opposite and for both of you to take a bit of time out to think about the future.

+1
If my OH and I were in trouble and I were the one having doubts I think spending too much time together and trying too hard to fix things would send me over the edge.

OP, I'm not totally suprised your OH is questioning things after 9years. Where do you stand in terms of committment to each other. Do you live together, own property together, have plans to get engaged, married or show signs of joint committment if marriage isn't your thing?

9 years is a long time especially if you've been coasting along. I'm of course presuming that because you haven't said as much. However, in my experience from friends and family, relationships that coast along for too long without committment can sometimes turn into friendships. People fall into a routine and get complacent. It's no-ones fault but it is a hazard of a long term relationship. IMO the strong relationships work through these problems and the others don't.

If I were in this position I'd take a step back, perhaps start dating each other again. Start making an effort with each other, go for dinner, go to the cinema, do things during the week like you would've at the very beginning instead of just going home or doing what you normally do. Start to see each other as individuals rather than just X my gf who I know everything about.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies guys, ill try and give a bit of backround info. We don't live together, we both still live at home and are in our mid twenties. I don't live at home out of real choice, we have a big old house and my mother cant afford the up keep so i live with her and financially support her. I guess this is something that she hasn't been too happy about which is completely understandable as we haven't moved in together. We have just been coasting along, and i have been the one who has been lacking in commitment though. Thing is, i've been thinking long and hard about this the last month or two and i've realised i cant just take her for granted anymore and i've wanted to properly commit to her. I've been try to organise with my family a way of setting my Mum up so i can move out and move in with my girlfriend, but now i'm feeling like i'll be lucky if we are still together this time next week. It’s not the fact that I might loose her that is making me want to commit to her fully, I’ve been thinking about it a lot the last while but I may have left things that bit too late.

I feel like i have just been smacked in the face and have a sudden realisation of what the hell i've been doing. When she first brought up her doubts i was pretty shocked as i thought we were so solid but now having thought about it long and hard i'm shocked she's only brought it up now. I'm fully ready to completely commit to her and take our relationship to the next level, but my realisation has coincided with her doubts and is perhaps too little too late.

To the poster who was saying maybe the best thing is not to spend time together. When she brought up she was having some doubts I thought the best thing would be too leave her to herself to think things through and not smother her but she is the one who wants to hang out. I saw her last night (her idea) and she was acting fine, normal and affectionate but I feel as if im on trial, im so unsure of myself, im lacking confidence and I feel vulnerable. We’re going to get away together for the weekend (again her idea), we have access to her sisters place who is away so it’ll be just the two of us. I cant help but feel though that she may have already made up her mind and this weekend will just confirm how she is feeling. I feel like I have just woken up from the coma of sailing along in this relationship and I am just absolutely in turmoil that where as once I had the opportunity to spend my life with this girl, my complacency has all but maybe ruined that.

I hope you okay yourself ’dublingal’, it’s not easy, I’m in bits.