Waiting For Someone To Die

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Hi, I'm 15 and in secondary school. Earlier today, I overheard my parents talking and discovered that after my granny went for an MRI scan, they found cancer in her lung. She's decided against chemotherapy and wants to just make use of what time she has left.

I'm heartbroken. I was so close with her and now it feels like I'm just waiting until she progressively gets worse and dies. It's such a horrible feeling. I also have no one I can talk to, because I also overheard my mam saying she doesn't want me to know as I'm already stressed studying for my Junior Cert, which seems totally pointless in comparison to something like this.

So, basically what I'm asking is - what do I do in my situation? I don't think I can talk to my granny on the phone right now, as I fear I'd break down crying. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want me to know either and certainly not to be worrying about it. How do I get past the feeling that we should be planning her funeral already? The cancer is very small and she still could have quite a while left, I hope.

Thanks in advance,
Damien.

krudler

To be quite honest, I admire your gran. I had an aunt who died a slow, miserable death from cancer, and the chemo and endless, fruitless treatments only prolonged it. I always swore to myself if I ever find myself in that situation and can go on my own terms, without doctors operating,treating and medicating me to the point where I no longer enjoy life, then I'd rather die sooner than later. It may sound cold but seeing a loved one die suddenly rather than slowly and painfully is a lot easier, I wouldnt want anyone to go through that, so her decision should be respected.

Enjoy the time you do have with her, visit her more if possible, do things for her you know she'll like, do you have any photo's of yourself you'd like her to have? It will be hard not letting her know you know whats going on, but dont sacrifice your studies either, yes in the face of this it seems so insignifigant, but I doubt your grandmother would want you to fail because of this. Do her proud.

MicraBoy

I'm sorry to hear about your Granny. It's very tough having to deal with that kind of stuff at your age, and with your Junior coming up.

Frankly I think you should just go ahead and tell your folks you over heard them. It's insignificant next your granny's bad news. You should not try to deal with this on your own. Talk talk talk, its the only way to deal with it.

Canard

Hey, I'm doing my Junior Cert too.

I'd just tell your parents you know so that they won't be walking on eggshells. It could be difficult for your granny trying to act normal around you, to make sure you're having fun in your time with her, when really its pointless if you're hiding that you actually know anyway, if you get me?

I know what you mean about the difficulty in studying. My mam died about 6 months ago suddenly, studying's hard but I know it's what she would've wanted, so make the most of your time with your granny first and foremost of course, but make sure to at least try and do well in your exams.

Thats a pretty hard thing to go through, I hope you feel better.

WanderingSoul

Damien, I think if you can you should let your parents know you heard them. I was in a similar position before in that I overheard my parents discuss my aunt who was in a coma and I didn't know. I overheard but I didn't say it to them and I cracked in school one day because I didn't say it to anybody.

For all that your granny and parents wouldn't want you to know, unfortunately you do and that can't be changed. Talking to people on here or maybe a friend will help but I think you should talk to your granny or your parents at least.

Do you live close enough to your granny that you'd be able to visit? I think you'll end up breaking down whether you want to or not because it's so much worse knowing what's going to happen and having to "wait for someone to die" than when someone dies peacefully. The feeling that one should be planning the funeral already is a horrible feeling I wish to never experience again. Unfortunately, it's hard to get rid of, especially for the first while. It does get easier though, eventually.

Damien, just try and think of her as you would have thought of her before you overheard your parents, you''ll only make things harder for yourself otherwise. It's still incredible difficult but just take everything one day at a time.

Would you be able to not go to school tomorrow? Even if you don't feel you can tell your parents you know, maybe just fake a headache. Not something I'd normally advise but for the first day maybe that'd be best. After that though you should go back as school can work as a good distraction and help you cope a bit.

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Patchy~ wrote: »

Hey, I'm doing my Junior Cert too.

I'd just tell your parents you know so that they won't be walking on eggshells. It could be difficult for your granny trying to act normal around you, to make sure you're having fun in your time with her, when really its pointless if you're hiding that you actually know anyway, if you get me?

I know what you mean about the difficulty in studying. My mam died about 6 months ago suddenly, studying's hard but I know it's what she would've wanted, so make the most of your time with your granny first and foremost of course, but make sure to at least try and do well in your exams.

Thats a pretty hard thing to go through, I hope you feel better.

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mam, I hope you're alright.

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WanderingSoul wrote: »

Damien, I think if you can you should let your parents know you heard them. I was in a similar position before in that I overheard my parents discuss my aunt who was in a coma and I didn't know. I overheard but I didn't say it to them and I cracked in school one day because I didn't say it to anybody.

For all that your granny and parents wouldn't want you to know, unfortunately you do and that can't be changed. Talking to people on here or maybe a friend will help but I think you should talk to your granny or your parents at least.

Do you live close enough to your granny that you'd be able to visit? I think you'll end up breaking down whether you want to or not because it's so much worse knowing what's going to happen and having to "wait for someone to die" than when someone dies peacefully. The feeling that one should be planning the funeral already is a horrible feeling I wish to never experience again. Unfortunately, it's hard to get rid of, especially for the first while. It does get easier though, eventually.

Damien, just try and think of her as you would have thought of her before you overheard your parents, you''ll only make things harder for yourself otherwise. It's still incredible difficult but just take everything one day at a time.

Would you be able to not go to school tomorrow? Even if you don't feel you can tell your parents you know, maybe just fake a headache. Not something I'd normally advise but for the first day maybe that'd be best. After that though you should go back as school can work as a good distraction and help you cope a bit.

Hi Alexis. Sorry to hear about your aunt. I'm glad someone can relate to what I'm going through.

Sadly no, she lives 100 miles away so I can't visit regularly, but once I get my head around this, I'll be phoning a lot more regularly. Luckily, I don't actually have school tomorrow - so it'll save me from the worry of breaking down in school.

Thanks for your advice and to everyone who replied.

WanderingSoul

As I'm sorry to hear about your granny.

That's lucky you don't have school but make sure you keep yourself occupied tomorrow. Maybe go for a walk/cycle etc?

Just remember, you'll get through this Damien.

seenitall

Mostly sound advice you got on here, OP, I am just going to join in with my 2 cents' worth.

I had a gran who I loved, she was good to me and I don't think I ever was able to properly communicate to her how much she meant to me. Also, she then died while I was away abroad, and I took it badly, worse than I thought possible, actually.

Now, 8 years after her death, I still have recurring dreams of her being alive, and of me telling her how much she means to me. For all I know, these dreams may stay with me throughout my life, and I think that perhaps it would be a different matter if I had done things differently. That is my experience and my opinion. I think it is something for you to think about at this point in time. Make as much time for your gran as possible in these last months or even a couple of years, it will be so worth the effort.

On another point, one thing that I find a bit puzzling in this country is how much children and teenagers seem to be mollycoddled and sheltered from some basic facts of life. It sometimes seems to me like death is a dirty word or even taboo in some cases. I think this is really unhealthy long-term.

My advice would be also to bring things out in the open with your parents, not to freak them out, but on the contrary, to reassure them that you can deal with what is happening in a mature way. Show them that you have more maturity and mettle than they currently give you credit for. It sure seems to me like you do, anyway.

The best of luck with everything. I wish your granny whatever she would wish herself at this point in time.