How to end it for good

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I was in a relationship for 3 years which ended recently. The relationship was great at the start but became very toxic. For a few reasons I was unable to (and worried about the repercussions) of ending the relationship, I realistically should have ended it much earlier.

Recently I just decided to end it completely. It was incredibly difficult but I got through it, but at the end my resolve wavered. I wound up agreeing not to see anyone for a set amount of time, then see what happens after that with us. I feel it is unreasonable but the breakup lasted hours and I really just wanted to get out of there.

Since the breakup I've gone out a lot, spoken to a good few people and am really regretting agreeing to this. I've even deliberately not taken one persons number because I almost felt like I was cheating.

Anyway, I need advice on this if people don't mind. I want to end the belief that I have any interest in getting back into the relationship at all in the future. In the opinion of this person, this equates to me saying that the last 3 years were worth nothing to me, which obviously is not true.

Can I tell them I'm no longer interested by text (i've already broken up in person, and it was incredibly difficult)? Am I essentially cheating on this person by acting like this, or pursuing other people? Any advice on how to approach it?

This person still loves me, but I just cant say the same. I don't want to hurt them, but I just cant be with them again

Any advice is appreciated, this is weighing very heavily on my mind.

Faith

Honestly, the fairest thing you can do is tell your ex in no uncertain terms that it's over. It might be harsh, but you have to stamp on any little flicker of hope they have that you might come back to them. Otherwise, they'll just cling onto that and never move on. I know you're trying to be kind by agreeing not to see anyone new, but it means that your ex is just waiting for you to come back.

By destroying any hope they have left, you'll make them hate you. You'll crush them even more. But you'll actually be helping them in the long term. They need to accept it's over to move on, and the sooner that happens, the sooner they can start getting over you.

It's a horrible position for you to be in, but you just have to stick to your guns. You've already hurt them tremendously; go the whole hog now and don't just drag it out for both of you, prolonging the pain .

Katgurl

Hey op, that sounds tricky.

A letter might be way to go, kind but firm that it's over. I understand you don't want to go through it in person but seriously a text after3 yeears is way too cold even if he is delusional.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thanks for replying.

Yeah Faith I figured as much alright, guess I just needed to see it said by someone else. Sorry I phrased part of the post wrongly, I didn't mean do it by text message, I more meant not in person. I know its not ideal its just very difficult to get it across in person, I'm wondering if its acceptable.

Beruthiel

Unregistered wrote: »

I just cant be with them again

In the back of their mind, they know this already. They don't want it to be true and are hoping for a miracle, but they know.
As Faith said, bite the bullet and finish it. Dragging the whole thing out just makes it all the more painful.

bedrock#1

Beruthiel wrote: »

In the back of their mind, they know this already. They don't want it to be true and are hoping for a miracle, but they know.

Yep this is about right. They were probably given a few chances and messed it up and have probably come to the conclusion themselves. it's funny tho when you break up with someone it takes a good few weeks for the rose tinted specs to come off, they might not feel the same about you now that they've had time to think about the relationship (OP said it went toxic).

Text probably wouldn't be the best way to do it, after that amount of time (3 yrs) you should do it face to face. They already know you're not getting back together and this might be what they need to push them over the line to getting over the break up.

just my opinion

Cheap Thrills!

Unregistered wrote: »

For a few reasons I was unable to (and worried about the repercussions) of ending the relationship,

Was the person threatening self-harm or suicide ?

Unregistered wrote: »

I wound up agreeing not to see anyone for a set amount of time, then see what happens after that with us. I feel it is unreasonable but the breakup lasted hours and I really just wanted to get out of there.

I hear you. It sounds like this person was quite manipulative/controlling. If they were threatening suicide, that is awful. Most unfair. The thing is if that was the case you are not responsible.

Its emotional blackmail.

Unregistered wrote: »

Anyway, I need advice on this if people don't mind. I want to end the belief that I have any interest in getting back into the relationship at all in the future. In the opinion of this person, this equates to me saying that the last 3 years were worth nothing to me, which obviously is not true.

That is emotional blackmail as well. This person is being manipulative saying these things. You need to just let her/him say whatever and try to let it roll off you.

Unregistered wrote: »

Can I tell them I'm no longer interested by text (i've already broken up in person, and it was incredibly difficult)? Am I essentially cheating on this person by acting like this, or pursuing other people? Any advice on how to approach it?

I would just cut contact and start living your life. You did already break up with this person. You made a few false promises, that was a mistake but there is nothing you can do about it now. The ex will probably stalk you for a while but I can't see much point in continuously hammering home the truth to her/him if they refuse to accept it.

If they are refusing to accept it then it's their fault and problem not yours.

You dont need this person's permission to live your life as a single person. You ARE single now. Just cut contact with the person.

Unregistered wrote: »

This person still loves me, but I just cant say the same. I don't want to hurt them, but I just cant be with them again

Stick to your guns. If you don't love them, you don't love them. You are free now. You already broke up, if they are not getting the message there is nothing more you can do. Don't keep getting sucked into their drama.

Stay strong and enjoy your freedom!

miec

I pretty much agree with everything that Cheap Thrills has said. Your ex is being incredibly manipulative and whilst they may say they love you, their actions (not letting you go) is not loving. You need to be responsible for yourself only, your ex is responsible for their life, even though they want you to carry them. I can understand your sense of being overwhelmed and burdened.

If the person is threatening self harm or suicide or harming you, then I would send them a one line letter stating that you want to end the relationship permanently and you have no wish to keep in contact. The less said the better because the other person will try to pick holes in it or try and wheedle round you. You have to be firm in your own mind, you are not responsible for their happiness etc and if they choose to emotionally dump on you rather than look at themselves, leave it with them, you know you are doing the right thing by being honest with yourself and them.

LegacyUser

Hi, its OP.

Yeah suicide was threatened but the threat was revoked towards the end of the talk. There were other factors that I cant really go into because they would jepordise these anonymous posts, but we'll say I was worried bout how they'd act, if they would resign themselves not to care about life, as thats what I was told: "whats the point in living?"

They've had similar outbursts previously in the relationship but I suppose just avoided them and blanked them out, I could never be sure it was an empty threat though. I wasn't threatened with harm (although I got a slap during the course of the breakup, crime of passion, wasn't too bothered).

Cheap Thrills!

Well look, its a classic manipulative tactic. No-one can guarantee whether they will or won't but you can't go out with someone you don't love in case they take their own life if you break up with them.

You've got to distance yourself fromt this person. They sound very domineering and you sound gentler. The way they had you trapped for hours not letting you out until you promised them things when you were breaking up with them.

They can only control you if you let them. Change your number and get on with your life.

quibbles

OP, I really dont see what the prob is?
Are you married to her? Do you share property, children, pets?
Do you live together?

If not then whats the problem. Draw a line under it and do the usual things that people do when breaking up. Dont contact her, Dont think about her, Leave her alone.

You dont have to change your number, but block her , or filter her out.
Its over. There's absolutely no need for a ridiculous arrangement like the one above... *lets not see anyone else for a while.*

That to me sounds like a BREAk, rather than a breakup.

If you NEED to break up with her, Then do it!
As for the veiled suicide threat, leave her to it.


This works both ways though, if you really are breaking up with her, make sure you dont go back to her after youve been out with someone else and decided that theyre not her, dont measure up. There is no turning back from the point of breakup, and you have to respect her privacy after this.
You dont call her, you dont try and set her up with someone else, to make her feel better, and you DONT DONT DONT discuss her and the breakup with anyone else.

Good luck OP. Plenty more fish in the sea. For you and For her. :pac: